Chapter 6
"Oh no, dear. I'm too old for that. You should do it." Heike's laugh sounded so casual nobody else would have guessed she was on a fishing trip for a delicate truth. "There's a reason I'm retiring, you know?" Heike pinned the phone between her ear and shoulder to give Sharon's hand a pat as her laugh quieted down. "So, it's true then? Jaap said so? Ah yes, yes. I know. I know. It's Tár we're talking about. Yes. Definitely. I'm sure the maestro has her reason. Now, tell me about your trip to India again. Was it that good?"
The rest of the conversation disappeared into background noises as Sharon focused back on the laptop sitting on the dining table in front of her. She had spent more than half an hour on the search engine, poisoning her own mind with data and details of one particular woman. A girl. A ghost of her recent days. The screen showed a youtube video now and despite her better judgment, Sharon leaned close to watch.
Young and beautiful were the ideal adjectives for the red-haired conductor indeed. Perfect height. Perfect posture. Perfect visage. Her velvety black midi dress was clearly a carefully chosen fit of plunging neckline with gold accents around the hips. Her moves were mesmerizing. The fair skin of her arms gleamed under the light as she commanded the NY Youth Symphony. The ensemble was treading Florence Price's symphony number one, with Krista succeeding in making the superfluous exposition repeat palatable. Krista's eyes were looking sharp yet Sharon could feel the delicate passion she had for the piece she was conducting. The whole performance itself showed that Krista's beauty matched her talent all the way. The score hit its scherzo and Krista Taylor moved with such rapture with the upbeat. Sharon couldn't hold back her quiet gasp.
That girl performed like Lydia. Different looks, extra feminine, similar style. They both shared that power and prowess belonged only to people who were born with them. It was inevitable for Sharon to imagine Lydia giving a similar performance in her early conducting days. The jealousy that stung Sharon in the heart was justified.
"You need to stop." Heike practically slammed the laptop shut.
Sharon leaned back on the dining chair, closing her eyes. "One thing for sure, she's good."
"I said stop."
"Too good for all those orchestras to reject her without anyone pushing them to."
"Yeah, Clarence confirmed it," Heike spoke almost as dejectedly as Sharon, setting her phone down. "Jaap received an e-mail from Lydia to not take that girl in his orchestra."
Sharon said nothing. She could actually see this coming. Why she let Heike solidify her fear probably came from Sharon's tendency of hurting herself. And she did hurt herself badly this time. Her heart ached now.
"And if Jaap and Gustavo both got e-mails with a similar tone, I don't think we need to contact the others."
Nodding, Sharon stood up. There was always dizziness that came with her every waking now, especially if she rushed to it. One hand flying to grip the edge of Heike's dining table, Sharon rubbed her neck with the other.
"Take it easy." Heike was quick to stand up, helping her sister back on the cair before massaging her shoulders.
"I need to talk to the girl."
"No." Heike's hands stopped on their course. "Don't get crazy."
"I need to see what she's about. Find the other side to this story."
"Oh, Sharon. Fuck it. There's no other side to this story." It was clear that Heike had been holding herself back for the last two days. One quick glance at Sharon's midriff was all Heike needed before spewing more venom toward Lydia. Of course, almost all of them flew over Sharon's head.
"You don't even listen, do you?" Frowning, Heike moved to the stove where her signature beef goulash was bubbling in the pot. She added spices to the already nice-smelling dish, hands moving with such practiced movements that somehow reminded Sharon of Lydia's hands.
Lydia. Lydia. Lydia.
It was borderline crazy how Lydia seemed to occupy every space in Sharon's mind when she was supposed to keep an emotional distance from her. How could she think clearly now?
"The only person you should talk to is Lydia. Draw that line, Sharon. Leave that bitch." Turning off the stove, Heike turned around. The wooden ladle in her hand was now pointed rather too aggressively at Sharon's belly. "If not for yourself, do it for that baby. Do it for Petra."
"My kids are the reason why I need to talk to that girl," Sharon mumbled under her breath. With one hand rubbing her lower belly, she used the other one to grab her phone. Sending a text to Francesca regarding her plan for Krista was easy. The hard part was suppressing the doubt within her, befriending the fear that this vague plan she was having might backfire. "Our family deserves o chance."
"Yeah? Tell me. How many chances have you given her?"
Truth was, Lydia had never needed one before. If it was because Sharon had always been too ignorant or because Lydia had never actually crossed that line, Sharon just couldn't tell anymore. If the line was the issue, Sharon knew she was at fault for letting it get blurred for so long. This could have been stopped since the first sign, the first girl, the first of what she had always told herself was harmless flirtations. If leaving Lydia was ever an option, Sharon would have already done it before the baby, before Petra, before she let Lydia put the ring on it. It was too late to retract those steps now and listening to Heike didn't make Sharon feel better at all.
"Here, let me." Sharon stood up slowly and came to Heike's side. Her dear sister was still firing her displeasure toward Lydia so Sharon chose to take the ladle from her grip. Anything to stop her from yapping stuff that Sharon already knew.
"Let you what?"
"Have a taste." Stirring the rich-looking soup, Sharon just knew half of the beef going to end in her stomach before Dashiell and Petra came home. "I'd die if I have to wait for dinner."
"Let me get you a bowl."
"Let's do it mom's style first." She gave a piece of carrot a poke before spooning a bit of the broth and letting a drop fall on her palm. The smell already drove her crazy. "You should consider opening a restaurant." She licked the drop clean before dropping some more.
"Just so I can yell at different customers every day?"
"Exactly." Sharon grinned. "The broth is perfect but Petra won't eat any meat or veggies unless they are soft."
"What do I care? Dash like them with a bite." Grabbing the ladle back, Heike nudged her sister aside but turned the stove back on anyway. "How soft?"
"Mushy." Sharon smiled, thinking that the reason behind every daring decision in her life was probably Heike's unlimited love and support. "They need fifteen more minutes on the fire, I think."
"Fifteen? I'm not making a goddamn porridge!" Rolling her eyes, Heike grabbed another pan and start separating some of the goulash. "God, I hate Társ."
"All four of us? Including this tiny one?" Sharon pointed at her stomach while taking out a bowl from the cabinet and shoved it Heike's way.
"Yeah. Such a headache, all four of you. Hate it."
"But we love you." Grinning again, Sharon gave her sister a one-armed hug. "We love you so much, Tante."
“Kiss me goodnight and close your eyes, baby.”
“Goodnight, Lydia.” Sharon almost laughed when Petra gave the phone screen a wet smack that left it with a smear of saliva. The little girl had been restless and fussy since the beginning of the night but It only took her a short talk with Lydia to calm down.
For someone who came very late into Lydia's life, someone so innocent and often so helpless, Petra was the only one holding the key to the most secluded part of Lydia's heart. Vice versa. The two were a perfect fit. The father-daughter bond was unmatched and often the source of both Sharon's envy and tenderness toward Lydia. It was the thing that made Sharon so sure of the love Lydia was capable of. The only reason why Sharon was so set on bringing another child into their life.
“Goodnight, baby. Now, imagine you and Mommy sleeping in your room at home while I play my piano outside.”
As gentle as her voice, Lydia started playing. Sharon closed her eyes, savoring the first notes until the moment she realized It was the fucking Brahm's lullaby. Had they been in the same room, Sharon would have given the back of Lydia's head a good smack. This composition was just not it. On the first year of Petra's arrival, this particular melody had been their lifesaver. The one that had gotten them through the endless nights as new parents. The only means to calm Petra down. It had been played on so much repeat, Sharon had sworn to never voluntarily listen to it again.
“Lydia?” Yawning wide, Petra held out her foot for Sharon to hold. It was a sign Sharon had been waiting for. They both could probably sleep easier tonight.
“Yes, baby?”
“I’m sleepy now, thank you.”
“You’re welcome, dear. I love you.”
It irritated Sharon how soothing Lydia sounded at the moment. Not because she envied Petra but because she wanted that tone whispered straight into her ears. She missed Lydia's presence and the comforting touches that come with it. It was easy to blame the tiny being in her uterus for all the intimacy she was suddenly craving but Sharon knew she had always been like this whenever Lydia wasn't around.
“I love you too, Lydia.” Petra yawned once more.
Spooning the precious girl, Sharon quietly hummed the words to the song. From the other side of the call, she could faintly hear Lydia humming as well. This felt a lot like the good old days. She wanted to go back to those old days.
Petra fell asleep not even five minutes later but Sharon didn't let go, afraid of the emptiness she might feel if she rolled around and found no Lydia by her side. Staring at the wallpaper, she listened to the tunes with an intensity that betrayed her resentment. It was easy to picture Lydia's long lean fingers moving about the keys like a sacred dance. It was easy to see the way Lydia's eyes flutter close at the exciting bars; they always did. Music moved Lydia inside out. Music was what bound them together in the first place. This stupid lullaby somehow brought back fond memories, lulling Sharon's heart into forgiveness. Suddenly, she felt like forgetting all the pain she had been feeling these past few days. She was ready to ask Lydia to come for them when the maestro got into a different melody. Another song Sharon was not so delighted to hear.
“Really, Lydia. Moonlight?” The maestro clearly needed to get smacked on the head. One random night so many full moons ago, Lydia had played the song for her as a joke. It was a song that sparked their first kiss, their first time together in Lydia's ugly apartment.
“Oh, you haven’t fallen asleep yet?”
“Hmmmhh.”
“Sharon…” The composition stopped midway. “I’m sorry.”
“For?” Sharon waited, hoping that Lydia would just confess and make this nightmare easier to thread on. Silent cut deep into the night as the will to forgive eroded slowly. Sharon asked herself if there was actually enough reason for her to carry the torch on and if it would be worth the pain.
“For being the usual stupid.”
“You have not the slightest idea of what I’m mad about right now, do you?”
“No, I don’t. I’m sorry."
In the dimmed room, Sharon shook her head. Lydia was Lydia. Carefully untangled herself from their daughter, Sharon lay on the bed with one hand covering her eyes while the other resting on her belly. They were yet to find out the gender of the baby. She hadn't put too much thought into it before but now she wanted the baby to be a girl. A strong woman likes Heike. Someone to protect Petra shall their parents messed up.
“Whatever it is, I want to fix it,” Lydia whispered over the sound of the grand piano. “Show me how to fix it.”
Sharon took a deep breath. How could Lydia fix something she wouldn't even admit? How would Sharon show Lydia the way out if Lydia herself didn't even realize where the problem lays? Turning on her side, Sharon gently touched Petra's cheek. The girl mumbled Lydia's name in her sleep and Sharon could feel her heart constrict. Petra came when her parents were the happiest. Petra was the blessing that changed Sharon's life and softened her heart. The girl was too innocent to catch the burnt of her parents' bad decisions. The baby in Sharon's womb too. Sharon couldn't let Lydia mess them up.
“Goodnight, love.” She heard Lydia whisper. Her heart ached to hear the words in person and to kiss Lydia goodnight. “I love you.”
Sharon almost said I love you too.
Almost.
It had taken a lot of convincing from her Ob-Gyn and pressure from Heike for Sharon to take the sleeping pill. To her dismay, it helped a lot. As soon as she woke up early in the morning, she already felt more relaxed than she had ever been the past few days. There was no longer pulsating pain coming from the back of her neck or lightheadedness. Her lower back felt way better. Definitely no nightmare too. She lay still on the bed, savoring the feeling without opening her eyes. She wouldn't take the pill again soon but it would definitely stay within her possession just in case.
"Good morning, babies." Blinking her eyes open one full minute later, Sharon had one hand rubbing her belly while the other reached out for Petra. She felt nothing but a cold pillow. There was no Petra by her side. Sharon's heart jumped as she jolt out to a sit. "Petra!"
"Hey, it's okay. She's downstairs."
A touch landed on her wrist and Sharon turned her head way too quickly it hurt. "Lydia?" She blinked to see clearer.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Even under the dimmed light, Lydia's worried expression shone through. "I didn't mean to wake you up."
"What are you doing here? Why is Petra downstairs?" Sharon was already halfway out of the bed. Trying to reach for her robe while putting on her slippers all at once, she almost tripped over. "Is she hurt?"
"No. No. No." Lydia quickly rounded the bed. Holding Sharon by the shoulders, she gently sat her back down on the mattress. "She's fine. She's sleeping."
"Sleeping? Downstairs? Why?"
"She sent me a voice note last night, asking me to come." Crouching on the floor, Lydia held Sharon's hands and rested them on SHaron's lap. "She was scared."
"Oh, God. No. Did she try to wake me? Did she cry?" Sharon freed one hand to rub her temple. She had slept through another one of Petra's nightmares. What an awful time it must have been for the little girl, trying to wake her up to no avail, probably crying all night long. "I'm such an awful mother."
"Not your fault at all, love." Lydia cupped Sharon's cheek now, rubbing it with her thumb. Despite the voice in her head telling her not to, Sharon found herself lean into the touch. Savoring the gentleness Lydia always had to offer was second nature to her. "You must have been so tired." Rising up while not breaking contact, the look in Lydia's eyes was getting clearer as a bit of dusk started peeking into the room. "Go back to sleep, I'm sorry I disturb you."
"It's this pill. Andrew swore it was mild but it made me sleep like a log." Still trying to stand up, Sharon gasped. "What if Andrew prescribed me the wrong dose? What if it hurt the baby?"
"Sssssh, come on now." Lydia sat beside her on the bed now, gathering Sharon into her arms. "We promise we won't do this to ourselves again, remember? The baby is fine."
In the first days after embryo transfer, Sharon had been such a nervous wreck. Mad scenarios of them failing the procedure had created immense anxiety in her day-to-day life and Lydia had been her only anchor back then. Just like those moments, Lydia's words and touches kept Sharon from overthinking now. Just like those days, Lydia was Sharon's safe place this morning. Sighing into the crook of Lydia's neck with one hand clutching that thin shoulder, Sharon could feel her irrational fear dissipating.
If only Lydia could do the same to their problem. Her problem.
"Sleep now, honey." The kiss Lydia planted gently on her forehead, the way she rubbed her arm up and down, and the safety of her embrace, all were Sharon's undoing. She decided to sweep this problem under the rug. Just for a few hours. Or just for today. She told herself. She just wanted to stay this way a little bit longer. "When you wake up you'll have Petra and me here. Don't worry."
No matter how fleeting it was, how temporary, the assurance of having Lydia by her side again brought Sharon back to comfortable drowsiness.
Lydia kept her word. When Sharon woke up, the maestro was still by her side smiling down softly. It was a treasured view, the way Lydia propped her head on one hand while the other rubbed Petra's foot. The two of them had always become a morning booster for Sharon and she realized now how much she had missed waking up to this sight.
"Good morning." Still in her lollypop-printed pajama, Petra greeted her mom with a hint of a yawn.
"Good morning to you too." Sharon fully turned on her side, caressing Petra's head. "I'm so sorry for last night, baby. Were you having a nightmare?"
The girl nodded. "Can we go home now? I miss my room."
"Your dad's coming to pick you up. Of course, you're going home."
"Really?"
"Really."
"Yay! Thank you!" Petra toppled herself onto her mother, almost kneeing Sharon in the belly if Lydia didn't hold her back a little.
"Careful there, miss bulldozer." Lydia tried to pull Petra all the way but Sharon shook her head.
"It's okay, come here." Sharon sat up on the bed and opened her arms. Happy when Petra immediately sat on her lap, Sharon hugged her daughter as tight as possible. "I love you so much, Petra."
"I love you too."
"Be good with Daddy okay?” Sharon smiled at Petra while tucking the wild curls behind her cute ears. "Remind her to use conditioner for these mad curls."
"You're not coming with us?" Lydia beat Petra to the question. Her brows furrowed as she inched closer to touch Sharon's shoulder. The maestro probably thought that she was not in the dog house anymore but if she didn't come forward with the truth, Sharon would have to take matters into her own hands.
"No." Sighing, Sharon strayed from Lydia's touch. The morning had started so perfectly and they could stay like this all day, every day, but Sharon had made her decision. “Petra, go downstairs and help Heike with breakfast will you?”
“Can we have pizza?”
“Pizza? For breakfast? I don't think Heike would agree.” Sharon smiled. Heike would probably go hunting for a unicorn if Petra requested her to.
“But Dash will.”
“Maybe, why don't you find out and come get us when everything's ready?”
“Okay.” The girl slipped herself down the bed but climbed back up to give a kiss on Lydia's cheek. “Don't leave without me, Lydia.”
“I won't. We're both going home today.” Returning the kiss, Lydia watched the girl go out of the room before reaching for Sharon's right hand. Kissing the knuckles reverently, her eyes conveyed so many feelings but none reach Sharon's heart this time. “ Come home with us. If it's space that you need, I promise I'll keep my distance. If it is me, I promise I'll do better. I miss you. I miss us. Forgive me. Take me back.”
With her left hand, Sharon touched Lydia's cheek and looked as deep as she could into those eyes too. “Remember when you asked me to marry you? Remember when you promised that I will be the only one?”
“Like it was yesterday, sweetheart.”
“Am I still the only one?”
“Aside from Petra and our little bug?” Lydia rested her hand on Sharon's lower belly, gaze drifted away. “Yes.”
“That wasn't the question.” Covering Lydia's hand with hers, pressing it gently against their unborn baby as a reminder for Lydia of how precious this family was, Sharon once again locked Lydia's gaze. She had no idea what she is searching for. Truth, maybe? Honesty? Love? She just couldn't see any of them in Lydia's eyes right now. “Tell me, am I still the only one?”
The clock ticked, and Lydia gulped. "Sharon..."
"I see." That split-second delay, the loss of one definite answer, was enough for Sharon. She couldn't find what she was searching for. At least not at the moment. Sighing, she broke contact and set to get out of bed. "Take good care of Petra, alright?"
"Sharon, please." Lydia grabbed Sharon's wrist, pulling gently. “I've made mistakes. Stuff I'm not proud of. But yes, Sharon, you're my only one. I love you. I love us so much. Don't leave me."
"Then give me what you've promised. The truth."
Their eyes met and Sharon waited, hoping for Lydia to just come forward. She could simply mention Krista right now, fuming and all. She could just corner Lydia to that point she knew the stubborn maestro hated the most but that would mean no turning back. It would hurt Lydia's ego so deep there was no way it would heal. That would mean ruining their children's chance of having a complete family. She couldn't do it.
Lydia blinked. It looked like she was about to open her mouth only to bite her lower lip a split second later. "Can't you just trust me?"
"I can ask you the same question, Lydia."
The battle ended one long minute later with Lydia letting go of Sharon's hand, rising up from the bed, and shaking her head. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."
Sharon sighed and rose up too. The door flew open and Heike came in, eyeing Lydia with what could only be described as utter hatred. "I don't remember giving you permission to come up here."
Lydia shook her head again, exiting the guest bedroom with a defeated look and sadness in her eyes.
"Are you okay?" Heike came to Sharon's side, touching her shoulder.
Sharon too could only shake her head.