Chapter 4
Honey, please pick up my call. I'm worried.
Is it the baby? Are you hurt?
At least text me.
Lydia stared at the unwavering screen of her phone with such animosity. The point of having this annoying machine in her possession was to avoid stuff like this. Stuff that made her wish she was a robot. No anxiety. No hard feelings. No pulsating migraine coming from worrying about Sharon and their baby.
"Are you sure she's fine?" She turned to Francesca, trying hard to keep her frustration inside.
"She said so. I even offered to drive her.”
"Did she really look okay? Was she heading home or somewhere else?”
"Well..."
"Damn it, Francesca!" Lydia only realized she had yelled when the buzzing orchestra members behind her suddenly went quiet.
"She did look a bit under the weather though."
Groaning, Lydia grabbed her coat. "I'm going home. You can help Sebastian wrap up."
"I asked if it was her heart, and she said no." Francesca followed Lydia's hurried steps out of the hall. "I'm sorry but you have a lunch appointment with Perrin in an hour and another meeting with Lucian's team after."
"Fuck them."
"Maestro, slow down! Watch out!”
Too late. Lydia already ran into some logistic guys hauling a huge heavy box. "Ouch! Shit!" She fell to the floor, head pulsating even more.
"You okay?" Francesca immediately knelt beside her.
"Are you blind?" Standing up, Lydia lashed out at the guys while rubbing her forehead.
"I'm sorry, ma'am. You ran out of the door at full speed. We didn't have enough time to hit the break." The biggest guy sneered. "It's not like this heavy shit had a premium disc brake on it or something but yeah, wasn't our fault.”
"You son of-"
"Sorry. We're sorry." Francesca came between them, leading Lydia aside. "Please, Lydia. Calm down."
"Those ass-" Lydia stopped. Her phone rang. Forgetting about her anger and bruised forehead, she immediately picked up the call. "Sharon, honey. Where are you?"
"Heike's place."
"Huh?"
"I need some time out."
"What? What's going on?"
"I'm okay. The baby is okay."
"But, Sharon. What-"
"Heike's going to get Petra after school. We're staying here for a few days."
"Darling, please." Leaning against the wall, Lydia could only rub her face. This was too confusing and too sudden. Having read half a dozen books about it, she knew all about pregnancy mood swings. She had triumphantly dealt with some of it these past few weeks too. Patience was a must at times like this but it was too irritating to not getting full control of everything. Especially now with all the stuff going on with her life. "Is it me? I'm sorry if it is."
Sharon didn't answer. Silence hung in the air, telling Lydia that she had messed up big time.
"I'll call you later."
The connection ended. When Lydia tried to call back, it got rejected. "Fuck!" She was all but throwing the communication device at Francesca who was still standing there with her agenda and Lydia's bag in her hands.
"Is everything okay?" The girl asked rather too carefully.
"Swell." If wasn't for her well-catered image, Lydia would have slid to the floor or banged her head against the wall.
"Is there anything I can help with?"
"If you were ever pregnant, maybe you can tell me how much more of Sharon's hormonal stuff I have to deal with." Lydia rubbed her face. "I'm going crazy."
"P... pregnant?"
How Francesca's face instantly went white didn't go unnoticed by Lydia. It served as a jab to her stomach too. "Oh shit. I'm not supposed to tell anyone yet."
"Sharon is pregnant?"
"Sssssh." Head swiveled to check if anyone else was around, Lydia couldn't help but feel a little silly. "She's very superstitious. We're supposed to wait until the second trimester or something."
"Oh, my God," Covering her mouth with the agenda, Francesca now looked scared. "I... I didn't know. I am so sorry."
"Sorry?" Finding Francesca's shock a bit amusing, Lydia smiled a little. "You meant congratulations?"
"Yes. Congratulations." Francesca gasped, moving to hug Lydia but stopping herself midway. "Congratulations to both of you.”
"That’s more like it." The smile turned into a grin, Lydia couldn't help but feel proud. Of course, she would prefer to look cool about this whole stuff, but the prospect of having a mini version of herself or Sharon had been persistently turned her into a much giddier person these days. She actually couldn't wait to announce their baby to the whole wide world. “I’m so happy. A bit confused but happy.”
"God. I should've known." Francesca zoned out a bit. "I'm so sorry, maestro."
"No. No. No. Not your fault. We kept the whole procedure tight under wrap on purpose." Lydia straightened up. Patting Francesca on the back, she typed I Love You and sent it to Sharon. "It's a bit hard on Sharon. Her mood changes often. I'm trying to be more understanding but it's too nerve-wracking sometimes."
"If there are two people that can get through this, it's you and Sharon.” Francesca smiled. “Do you want me to check on her? I can drop by while you're having your lunch meeting. "
Lydia gazed at her phone. There was no usual Love You Too coming from her wife. There was no use in bothering Sharon when she was like this. Sending Francesca to check on Sharon at home would probably add more fuel to the flame. "No." Sighing, Lydia tucked her phone back in. "Let's carry on with today's schedule."
"Sure, maestro. Lunch with Perrin at one. Do you want to change first or should I call the driver now?"
"Ugh, Perrin." Lydia glanced down at her attire of sweater and wide-leg trousers. "I definitely need to dress up."
"I have your suit ready at the office.”
"Great. Oh, Francesca." A brilliant idea suddenly popped in, Lydia halted her steps. "Do you remember last weekend when Sharon asked me to bring a meat pie from a restaurant? Was it from Brilliante or Tim Raue?"
"Tim Raue, maestro. But they don't do takeout. You had to ask Britta to make her father call the chef, remember?"
"Exactly. I'll ask Britta's help again. We're getting a dinner reservation this time. Sharon would love it."
"When?"
"What do you mean when?"
"When are you planning to have dinner? Your schedule is full until next Friday."
"Really?”
"We have a flight to NY scheduled first thing tomorrow morning, maestro."
This time, Lydia actually banged her head against the wall.
For Lydia, New York was no longer as exciting this time around. The lights, the food, the drink, and the five-star service, all felt stale. Her class at Julliard got even more boring than before. Those students seemed more and more interested in every other stuff but the art itself. A bunch of inferior souls so busy scrutinizing labels they had deterred themselves from actually learning something. Earlier today, two female students had come seeking her attention after class but Lydia couldn’t find the usual will to engage. She tried to hit her favorite bar early but even the bartender could tell that Lydia Tár was not her usual self. That was why, ten minutes shy of eight, Lydia uncharacteristically found herself on the hotel bed. Phone in hand, she weighed the pros and cons of bothering Sharon with a call. She was so keen on getting out of this dog house but afraid of taking the wrong steps.
“The W interview starts at 9 tomorrow.” Francesca, standing by the foot of the bed, peeked from over her agenda. “I already have five of your approved fits ready in the closet in case you want to check them tonight. The make-up team should be here by 7.”
“Why so early?” Grunting, Lydia sat up and tossed the phone onto the mattress. She missed Sharon so much. She missed the attention and concern riding on each of those calls. She was now missing the stuff that she used to find mundane. Ironically, she couldn't remember when was the last time she felt this way.
“You’re supposed to have lunch with Hildur and her husband at 12, followed by an appointment with Nan A. Talese’s representation after.”
Stretching her hands up. Lydia walked to the grand piano. “Cancel them all.”
“Cancel them all?”
Lydia almost laughed at the utter confusion on Francesca’s face. The girl’s knowledge of Lydia’s work ethic was second to none. Lydia Tár didn’t just cancel. “Kidding.” Smiling instead, she sat down and flexed her fingers.
“Are you not feeling well?”
“Have you ever missed someone so bad everything in this world feels ailing, Francesca?” Lydia started on the first bar of Beethoven’s 14. “Have you ever felt so confused because of one single person?”
“Once, I guess.” Francesca closed her eyes briefly before gazing at Lydia, far too tenderly. “Are you really okay?”
Lydia immediately looked away. Those kinds of gazes always caught her in trouble. She couldn’t afford to be in another one right now.
“You haven’t had anything since breakfast. We can still order from Nakazawa. How about the usual Nigiri set?”
“Oh, Francesca. You know I can never finish their set alone.” Letting herself laugh a little, Lydia's gaze drifted to the young girl again. Francesca was a perfect assistant. Always a step ahead. There were days when she thought her life would suffer without the girl. There were days when they got impossibly close and she wondered if it was exactly how she would feel to have a girl best friend; a sister even. Ucayali ruined everything though. There was an unspeakable distance between them now. “You're the one hungry, aren't you?”
Also laughed, Francesca stepped to stand beside Lydia. “Beethoven’s 14.” She played along. On the black and white keys, her leans fingers danced incredibly in sync with Lydia’s. “I never knew you play a sweet sonata. How romantic.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. I play anything I want.” Lydia scoffed but played still. “And you shouldn’t be one to fall into Rellstab’s scam. This is Beethoven getting frustrated and confused, not in love.”
“Well, translation depends on the translator. I say this sonata is about being hopelessly longing for someone. About love.” Her phone dinged, Francesca stopped playing and reached into her pocket. Her expression changed immediately.
“What?” Lydia also stopped.
“Krista.”
“I told you to cut every means of communication with her.”
“I can't. She’s a friend."
“Tsk.”
“May I go talk to her?”
“Boundaries, Francesca.”
“But-“
“Fine. Talk to your so-called friend.” Suddenly feeling a pulsating headache, Lydia stood up. “What you do in your free time is none of my business anyway.”
“I’m sorry. “
“Maybe you can share that Nigiri set with her.” Krista’s name brought a bad taste to Lydia’s mouth. Rubbing her temple, Lydia hurriedly reached the bedside table for her pills. That was when her phone signaled an incoming text. “Put it on my tab if you can get that deranged maniac away for good.”
“Krista is not-“
“See you at 7.” She was curt, of course. What had happened in Ucayali should have stayed and died a miserable death there. Krista should have known better and Francesca shouldn’t even have dared to mention Krista again.
“Alright. Goodnight, maestro.”
Not even bothered to acknowledge Francesca’s defeated sigh and retreat, Lydia already beamed at the text that simply read Petra’s looking for you. She let go of the pills bottle, throwing herself on the bed almost too excitedly.
“Hey, baby.” She smiled at her little girl as soon as the facetime got connected. “Can’t sleep?”
“Uh uh.” Her baby nodded, rubbing her eyes. Curly hair a mess, doe eyes looked a bit red, Petra leaned on what surely was Sharon’s chest. “Where are you, Lydia?”
“New York, honey. I’m at the hotel.”
“You didn’t say goodbye.”
“I’m so sorry, sweetheart.” She could tell Petra’s protest bothered Sharon. It was because they were at Heike’s place Lydia had not been able to bid Petra a proper goodbye. “Won’t happen again.”
“I want to sleep in my room.” The girl yawned and stretched. Her move somehow get the phone kicked and now the view on Lydia's screen appeared tilted. “I want you to hold my foot.”
“You will, baby. Soon.” Catching a glimpse of Sharon’s face after almost two days without, Lydia could tell that her spouse still has the same annoyed expression. If only she knew what was it that bothered Sharon so much. If only they could talk alone right now. “Are you okay? How’s your flu? Does your nose still feel stuffy?”
“No, Lydia.” The girl grabbed the phone, effectively filling Lydia’s screen with a close-up of her wonderful face. “Sharon made me take the pink syrup again. I don't like it."
"It surely is better than the orange one." Lydia made a yucky face. "We hate the orange one."
"We HATE the orange one!" Petra yelled, copying Lydia's expression.
“How about mommy, is she okay?”
“Are you okay, Sharon?” The lull in Petra’s voice was something that Lydia had always treasured. Oh, how she wished she was there next to the little girl so she can ask Sharon the question herself.
“I’m fine.” Sharon's answer was mumbled from behind Petra.
“I think Sharon lies, Lydia. She’s not so okay. She frowns a lot.” The three last words were whispered in a rather conspiratorial tone by the little girl. "We hate it when Sharon frowns."
“Aren’t you such smarty pants?” Sharon’s comment was followed by Petra’s giggle. From the sound of it, Sharon probably had their daughter tickled on the foot. The image on the screen shook. A yelp and a burst of laughter erupted from Sharon a few seconds later. The two were probably in their usual tickle fight now.
Lydia smiled. The call had made her night. “Petra, I can’t see anything but your fingers right now. Hold the phone up, baby.”
There was a rustle, another yelp, and more giggles. All was too wonderful to be far away from. All tempted Lydia to jump on the next flight back available.
“Sharon, can you hold it?” Petra always sounded so cute when she demanded something.
“No. Just put it against the pillow.”
“It’s too far.”
“Then you hold it.”
“My arm tired.”
“Petra.”
“Please, Sharon.”
At the end of Sharon and Petra’s argument, which was clearly won by the latter, Lydia’s screen finally showed the two loves of her life. There was a twinkle in Sharon's eyes, probably the remnant of her laugh before. Petra's hair got even messier but it only made the girl look even cuter. Heart brimming with longing, Lydia beamed at them. “You guys are beautiful. Messy but beautiful.” Her fingers hovered to touch the screen, wishing she was there. There was an oh-save-it look in Sharon’s eyes when Lydia gazed deeper but she feared none of it. She just wanted to say the words. “I miss you guys so much."
“It’s almost 2 a.m here, Lydia. I'd rather trade that BS for a help on putting our girl to sleep."
“Alright. Alright. Sorry.” It was a relief to hear 'our girl' from Sharon. There was still 'us.' Her wife wasn't all that mad. Taking the phone outside and resting it on the music stand of the piano, Lydia sat down and smiled at her baby. Babies. “Hey, Petra. How about I play you a song?”
“A song?”
“Uh uh. Ask mommy to dim the light.”
“I don’t like dark.”
“Just a little. You can still see me after.”
A few seconds later, the light got dimmed and Lydia could no longer see her sweethearts. There was comfort in knowing that they were there though, seeing her sitting in front of the piano. “Kiss me goodnight and close your eyes, baby.”
“Goodnight, Lydia.” A wet smack could be heard from the speaker, making Lydia chuckle.
“Goodnight, baby. Now, imagine you and mommy sleeping in your room at home while I play my piano outside.” Lydia started on Brahm’s Wiegenlied for the obvious reason.
“Lydia?” Petra called after only a few bars in.
“Yes, baby?”
“I’m sleepy now, thank you.”
“You’re welcome, dear. I love you.”
“I love you too, Lydia.”
Lydia played and played, absentmindedly humming the lyric until she was sure Petra had fallen asleep. She played the far too popular lullaby for another round before switching back to the Beethoven’s she had played a few minutes ago. Thinking that after this number she will probably get tired enough for sleep to come easier, she was surprised to hear Sharon on the other end.
“Really, Lydia. Moonlight?” Sharon’s voice came deep and a bit accusing.
“Oh, you haven’t fallen asleep yet?”
“Hmmmhh.”
“Sharon…” Lydia took a deep breath and stopped playing. “I’m sorry.”
“For?”
“For being the usual stupid.” She said after a long deliberation on what to say.
“You have no slightest idea of what I’m mad about right now, do you?”
“No, I don’t. I’m sorry.”
There was a long pause. Idleness was always too painful for Lydia, so she started to play again. Her fingers were gentle against the keyboard. Her heart was aching from fear of Sharon shutting her out completely. “Whatever it is, I want to fix it.” The screen was dark. Lydia could only imagine Sharon lying there with Petra in her arms. “Show me how to fix it.”
Lydia played until the last bar, waiting for Sharon to say something. When she didn’t, Lydia put her gloomy solo to an end by closing the fallboard. “Goodnight, love.” She whispered, reaching for the phone. “I love you.”
There was no I love you too. There was no easy sleep for Lydia that night.