THE ONE AND ONLY

While most people had no idea of what they wanted in life, Linda Tarr had already seen the shape of her future since she first got a hold of her grandfather’s accordion. She wanted music. She wanted to translate the constant melodious hum in her brain into a bigger art form. That shape turned even more solid when on one fateful afternoon, her brother  Tony salvaged an old tape of Leonard Bernstein's first episode of Young People's Concerts from the landfill and gave it to Linda. Upon watching the tape, the young out-of-place genius also realized that she wanted to be in that center stage. She wanted the grandiose power music can hold.

Therefore, from the workers housing by the Fresh Kills landfill of Staten Island to Herbert-von-Karajan-Straße in Berlin, Linda Tarr’s life had been a series of brilliantly-structured plans. All were executed with steel focus. Learning classical music. Getting into competitions. Elbowing her way into scholarships. Changing her name. Building any relationships. All were plans, a mountain of stepping stones to get where she wanted.

Never had Lydia Tár ever lost focus. Until she knew Sharon Goodnow.

They met the first day Lydia was introduced to the orchestra but Sharon hadn't even attracted her first. The first violinist of the Berlin Philharmonic was Kieffer Hartmann back then.  Andris’ favorite second only to Sebastian.  The easiest way to win the hearts of other members was through Kieffer and Lydia already had a blueprint on how to tame the man.  She had been merrily executing said plan during the first party she attended in Berlin when Sharon literally slow-danced into her field of vision, and of course, grabbed her attention.

Sharon’s dress was a shimmering blue one. Strapless with a perfect slit that was long enough to entice wild imagination. Her blonde curls were tamed into a loose ponytail. Her lips were too red and too luscious at the same time. Her dance partner was Alma Atkins from logistic; a fringe who clearly didn’t fit both the jazz number and Sharon’s grace.

From behind her glass of wine, while faking interest in whatever Kieffer had to say about his latest bowing technique, Lydia observed the clash between Sharon’s smooth moves and Alma’s attempts to not step on her own shoes. Her savior complex, flared by the fuel of her narcissistic trait, begged Lydia to step in and yank Sharon’s body into her arms. Her focus on Kieffer slowly evaporated as she started to think of how Sharon’s skin would feel on hers. How those lips would look a little bit closer.

At one point, the dancing disaster came close to where Lydia was and Alma tripped Sharon hard. Lydia had a chance to steady the beautiful violinist by holding the small of her back, reeling when the tips of her fingers grazed the exposed skin. They both smiled at each other a little bit awkwardly.  Kieffer laughed. Alma drunkenly apologized a few seconds too late.

“Thank you.” Sharon blinked. Her smile reached her eyes and Lydia could swear the sparks in them weren't proverbial at all.

“May I?” Handing her glass to Alma, Lydia grabbed Sharon's hand and twirled her to the center of the room. Sharon's smile got impossibly wider. Lydia couldn't stray her eyes from those lips. Chet Baker's number started playing in the background, and they took their first steps as if they have been dancing together for a lifetime.

Lydia deemed their dance as the most perfect experience ever. Their bodies got closer and closer as more songs passed by. When Lydia's feet almost gave in, Sharon gracefully turned the rest of the night into a long conversation. Something that Lydia just didn't do with anyone. Together in the quietest corner of the joint, they shared a bottle of wine and a debate over the merit of having Bach’s double violins concerto as the pairing piece for the orchestra’s year-end performance.

“What are you doing with Kieffer?”

“Huh?” Lydia was too absorbed by the way Sharon’s curls frame her beautiful jaw to understand what the question was about.

“Kieffer.” Sharon sipped her drink slowly, eyeing Lydia knowingly. “He can't help you.  Andris is rotating him out.”

“Is he?” That was new. Lydia thought she had Andris read like a book.

“Uh uh. He had issues with a much younger tutee or something. Harassment issue."

“Oh?” Lydia tried not to sound too curious. "Who will be the next concertmaster then?"

“I don’t know.” There was a twinkle of tease in Sharon’s eyes when she said those words. “There’s always conclave.”

“Yeah.” Lydia couldn’t resist the tip of her finger from touching one loose strand of Sharon’s curls, the one that had dared to cover Sharon’s beautiful eye. She swiped the soft strand aside, realizing that she also liked how soft Sharon’s lips looked. “There’s always that.”

Came Tuesday, when Lydia had a chance to guest-conduct a practice for the first time, she saw for herself how good Sharon was. Whether it was her fingering or bowing, how she befriended her fellow members or commanded some of them, Sharon was the center of the Orchestra. By then, Lydia already knew who the next concertmaster will be. By then, she already had a plan on what to do with Sharon Goodnow.

Until she didn’t anymore.

It took only three days for them to hit it on. By the end of the month, they had gotten tangled in each other deeply, both literally and figuratively. In the concert hall, in bed, and in Lydia’s mind, Sharon was all she see. Lydia had been so good at shutting out her heart, trading her feeling for something more practical like flirtation or one night stand. She didn’t expect Sharon to linger, not this long. Months flashed into a fulfilling year and suddenly there were days when Lydia felt so lonely without Sharon. She would lounge alone in her apartment, wondering what Sharon was doing at the moment before grabbing her keys and going to see the brilliant beauty, no matter what time of the day it was. Suddenly, pouring over scores and reviewing performances didn’t feel challenging anymore. Not when Sharon wasn’t there to share her deliberations.

Sharon ruined her compass. Sharon confused her in so many wonderful ways. The center stage, the podium, and the music itself had started to lose meaning when Lydia's eyes didn’t catch Sharon on the first chair.  Her steel focus faded under the glow that was Sharon’s touch and brilliance. Lydia kept stealing glances, craving kisses, longing for their endless conversation. There was nothing more annoying than finding herself orbiting another person and enjoying every moment of it, yet Lydia didn't mind this deviation from the plan at all.

Sharon was it.

So, it was both crazy and logical that, in the after-glow of their lovemaking one Thursday evening, Lydia proposed.

Sharon chuckled, kissing and licking her own nectar from the corner of Lydia’s mouth. “You don’t want that.”

“I’m being serious.”

“It’s Angela, isn’t it? I didn’t realize you are that jealous.”

Lydia could only scoff. Yesterday, after practice, the fucking bitch had the audacity to whisper something in Sharon’s ear. Something that made Sharon giggle.  It took every ounce of restraint for Lydia not to poke Angela’s eyes with the conducting baton.

“Relax, maestro.” Sharon laughed again, picking up Lydia’s striped shirt from the floor. “You don’t have to tie me down to keep me away from others. Just keep fucking me the way you just did and we’re good.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.” Andris was stepping out of the glam and Lydia knew the conducting position was hers. Getting rid of Angela, or any other Orchestra member mad enough to try flirting with Sharon, would soon be as easy as breathing out Sharon’s name.

“Or is it Heike?” In her attempt to put on the shirt, Sharon made her tantalizing breasts even more prominent. Her areolas were still wet from all the worshipping from Lydia’s mouth, calling for another prayer. “You want me to sway her into giving your first record deal a go, do you?”

Lydia groaned, wounding her hands around Sharon’s waist from behind. Those jutting nipples were too distracting. She couldn't have Sharon doubting her sincerity by keeping on glancing at those mean boobs. “How hard it is to trust my pure intention? I want you to be mine. Forever.”

Sharon tittered, turning her head to capture Lydia’s lips in a kiss. One that she should have trademarked and marketed as the most intoxicating kiss in the world. “How much of Andris’s truffle-infused vodka you pilfered this afternoon, huh?” She said after breaking away a few seconds later. “Go to sleep and see if you still find me remotely attractive tomorrow.”

“God damn it, Goodnow.” Grabbing her robe and putting it on while stepping out of the sofa bed, Lydia made her way to the bookshelves. From one of the drawers, she pulled out a red square box and held it up on her palm for Sharon to see.

“No way!” Sharon, still trying to put the shirt on, gasped. “You ARE serious!”

“For your consideration, this box had been hiding in that drawer for two months and twenty-seven days.” Grinning, Lydia walked over to her half-naked girlfriend. “Do you want me to kneel to further prove my point?”

“No. No. No.” With a rub on her face, a wide grin, and a spark in her eyes later, Sharon looked up. “Wait. Yes. What the heck? Let me see the great Lydia Tár kneeling.”

“Alright.” It was so easy, to kneel before this wonderful being and presented a bond of a lifetime. Even with the disheveled look and the messy background of her ugly apartment, Lydia could still see Sharon as her beauty queen. A partner for life with whom she could entrust her feeling. “Miss Goodnow, would you be kind and marry this boring hag?” She opened the box while grinning.

“Yes.” Propping her chin on one hand, Sharon smiled a smile that literally lit up the room while touching the band of diamonds. “You clearly have no idea how I like my jewelry but yes, I could be kind.” She took the ring between her two fingers. “I will marry you.”

“Be nice. It’s Cartier.” Throwing the box behind her, Lydia rose up to pin the tease of a woman on the bed and landed a passionate one on those gorgeous lips.

“Hmmmm.” Sharon kissed back, one hand already sneaking too far into the slit of Lydia’s robe. “May I throw in terms and conditions before putting this on?”

“Uh uh.” There was a magical thing that only Sharon’s fingers could do down there.  Lydia’s sense was already such haywire she would have said yes if Sharon asked her to jump out of the window right now.

“This ring.” Sharon held up her hand to see the ring gleaming under the light. “It put me as your one and only.”

“You ARE the one and only.” Lydia stared into those eyes, willing Sharon to see that no one else matter anymore.

“You know what I meant,” Sharon added a pinch to the right spot, making threats with her eyes while simultaneously strumming Lydia’s already oversensitive nerves. “Onward, I am the only woman sharing your love, your bed, your passion, and your deepest secret. I'm your everything.”

“Fuck, Sharon. Yesss. You are my everything.”

“And,” Sharon took a deep breath before gazing deeply into Lydia’s eyes. Her naughty fingers stopped moving. “I want a family.” 

Family? Lydia had never given it much thought before. She racked her brain for a reason to say no. There was none.  “Are we talking children? Plural?”

“Maybe.”

“As many as you want, dear.” She dove in to kiss that spot above Sharon’s breasts. Around Sharon, everything seemed to be impossibly wonderful. She could picture Sharon with their kids. She could see herself loving them with all her might, learning from the mistakes her parents had made. “Now would you shut up and love me already.”

“I’ve loved you for a while now.” Sharon ran her newly-bejeweled ring finger along Lydia’s jaw. Her expression was delighted, her gaze getting impossibly tender. “Haven’t you noticed it?”

Lydia noticed, just lately, that Sharon was somehow slipping away. Zoning out of their conversation, not answering Lydia’s questions, didn’t text or calling as often, were only a few of the many signs. The worst thing was, unlike the usual, Lydia couldn’t pinpoint how and where it started.

Was it the IVF procedure? Of course, it had been impossibly taxing for Sharon but she had been so happy when it came through. They both had. The stress disappeared once they know the embryo was growing well inside Sharon’s womb. They should have been in a happy phase now, cautious but happy.

Was it the orchestra’s next performance? Since the beginning, taking Sharon’s well-being into account, Lydia had chosen the easiest score to practice and perform. It would be grand but still as easy as a walk in the park for someone like Sharon Goodnow.

Petra? The sweet little girl had been getting impossibly sweeter lately, as if trying to show how ready she was for the role of a big sister.

It couldn’t be herself, Lydia mulled before getting onto the podium. She had been at her finest behavior these past few weeks and the change in Sharon’s attitude toward her only happened lately.

“Alright, everybody. This should be easy.” Lydia swept her members a teasing smile, painfully noticing that Sharon didn’t even really look her way. Maybe she’d just wrap the practice early and take Sharon to their favorite dessert corner. Maybe she’d just order a take-out and massage Sharon’s feet on their couch until Sharon’s signature wide smile returned. “We might be home before lunch.”

After the downbeat, she watched and watched, waiting for Sharon to make eye contact. It was Lydia’s favorite little things whenever they performed together; the twinkle in Sharon’s eyes, the little tug of her lips that form a little smile, the raise of her eyebrows. All were usually Sharon’s reactions to the move of Lydia’s conducting hands. All were missing in action today.

Eleven bars in, when Lydia was expecting Charles and his trumpet to stumble in his usual weeds, she heard an uncharacteristically stinging D from the first violin section instead.  Any other day, she would have snapped the practice to a stop and given the culprit a bit of a hard time for making such a silly mistake. But her eyes found her wife, eyes closed, bowing a little bit too deep. Brushing it off to the fact that Sharon still felt nauseated from time to time, Lydia carried on with the upbeat. It happened again though. She let it slide about three more times until Wolfgang visibly glared in protest from his seat beside Sharon.

“All right, Sharon, dear. That’s a little bit too sharp.” She tried to sound as casual as possible. Sharon didn’t stop at Lydia’s cue though, kept on playing as if in trance.

“Ahem.” Lydia knocked the baton against the side of the podium gently. “Let’s start again.”

Sharon didn’t even look up. Lydia could only give Wolfgang a begging look.

“Sharon...” Nodding at Lydia, Wolfgang touched Sharon’s shoulder. All eyes were on Sharon as she stopped and blinked a few times.

“You are off, dear.” Wolfgang smiled a little. “Maestro asked us to start again.”

Sharon looked up and for the first time that day, Lydia could see into those eyes. Please, honey, tell me what’s wrong. Lydia begged in silence.

“Sorry.” Sharon immediately looked away. “Please, take over.” She nodded at Wolfgang while preparing to leave. Sharon Goodnow never bailed before. Either she was in from the beginning to the end or nothing at all. This was worrisome.

“Sharon...” Lidya quickly came over. Fear coursed through.  Is it the baby? Is Sharon hurt?

“Sorry, guys. I think I need a breather. ”Sharon was so busy ignoring Lydia, the latter had to reach for her shoulder.  That one simple touch had somehow been received as a thunderbolt. Sharon’s visibly jerked her shoulder away. As she stood up with the violin case in hand, her eyes served the coldest stare. “Please continue without me, maestro.”

Gulping the unexplainable guilt, Lydia retracted her hand. “Sharon, what's going on?”

Sharon said nothing, walking away. Lydia was ready to follow her. She was willing to beg for forgiveness and an explanation when she saw Francesca standing up from her usual spot in the audience chair. The young assistant nodded toward Lydia before stepping down and following Sharon out.

Lydia sighed. She couldn’t just stop rehearsal, could she? Sharon wouldn’t want that. If it was some sort of emergency, if it was the baby, Sharon would have told her. Taking a deep breath, Lydia went back to the podium.

“Sorry about that.” She took another deep breath. It would only take her a moment to finish this. After rehearsal, she could find Sharon and make it up to her. For now, Francesca should be enough. “Let’s start again. Von anfang an.”