Changing the Frame
“I’ve apologized but it hasn’t made any difference.” It was a change that Steve wasn’t angry; instead he seemed almost defeated. It was an unusual look on the superhero’s face. Not that Dr. Bortich was surprised. Steve’s attempts to resolve relations with Tony Stark had been an on-going drama. The therapist would have classed it as a dysfunctional family drama and given it a C rating for its too-predictable twists and turns. However, Steve had never indicated that he wanted to seek any alternative strategies. This was the first time that he thought Steve might actually be open to listening to some advice.
“Apologies do not guarantee forgiveness and, even if he has forgiven you, that doesn’t mean he wants to be your friend again.” They had had many conversations about this aspect before and it was interesting that this time, Steve did not push back. Before he had always objected to the idea that the person wronged was the one who choose how to go forward, at least in the specific case of Tony Stark. However, regardless of anything else, Steve had finally come to acknowledge that he had wronged Tony by concealing the knowledge of the Starks’ murders from him. So the soldier might be open to discussing a different way forward. “You can’t change what Tony does – we can never change other people. But you can change how you look at the situation and that can change how you feel about it and that change will reflect in your actions. How you see the situation and how you react is entirely under your control.”
It was a sign of the progress Steve had been making that he didn’t immediately start replying but sat and considered what the therapist had said. “OK, I can see that I can’t make Tony do anything. But I’m not sure about the rest – I mean, if I get frustrated with Tony, isn’t that how I feel? You keep telling me that feelings need to be respected.” Well, that statement would get a comment on the notes for this session.
“You are right about emotions, but, Steve, you can set yourself up to see a situation positively or negatively and that can change how you feel in the situation itself. I can give you an example from my own life. When I was a resident, I worked with a colleague who I found annoying. She wasn’t a bad person, but, I guess you could say our chemistry wasn’t right. I could have allowed that irritation to influence my framing of her behavior by thinking “Oh, she’s annoying” every time we interacted. If I had done that, I would have found everything she did annoying and I would have become increasingly frustrated at having to deal with her. That would have eventually affected how I acted.”
“So what did you do?”
“I consciously reframed how I saw her. I forced myself to notice only her positive attributes, like the fact that patients responded really well to her voice. I still wasn’t friends with her, but I didn’t progress to dislike. Instead, I was able to treat her with courtesy and without frustration. It was easier for both of us. But she didn’t change; I changed my framing of the situation and that changed everything for me.”
“OK” he could see Steve gather himself up and get ready now that he had an action that he could take, “how would I go about doing this?”
“Well, why don’t we start by you listing Tony Stark’s good points; the parts of his character that you like or admire.”
The soldier thought for a minute, “Tony is very generous, although he can be careless about his wealth and give too much. He’s a hero; he really tries to protect everyone from whatever he can; even if that means that he tries to do everything himself and that leads to trouble. He so smart – I mean, he’s a genius! He does so many amazing things, but he never stops to think through anything. He’s just so reckless and moves so fast that everything easily goes wrong.”
There was a moment of silence after Steve finished. “Steve, have you ever heard the term ‘negging’?” Dr. Bortich asked. He went on without waiting for an answer (they both knew that modern slang was not Steve’s strong point), “This is actually an excellent example of how your perception of someone can influence what you say and do without you being aware of it. I asked you to list Tony’s good traits and you said that he was selfless, generous and smart.” Steve nodded, and Dr. Bortich continued, “But you added a negative dimension to every item. For example, you said Tony was generous, but then immediately added that he was too generous. He’s a hero but he only relies on himself and that causes problems. He’s smart but reckless. Every positive is immediately followed by a negative.”
“But it’s all true.”
“It’s your interpretation. You can’t know how Tony (or anyone really) thinks or what their motivations are so you have to decide on an interpretation. We all have to for every interaction we have with other people. You decided to have a negative one of Tony, evidenced by the negative conditions on all his positive traits, and that is a choice. You've created a frame in your mind that his actions are arising predominantly from his worse character traits, even his better actions. Which means that you are suspicious of everything he says and does – so then you get angry at his actions since you see them as arising from a bad place.” Steve didn’t respond to this but he still seemed to be listening, so the therapist continued, “Looking at how you frame other people’s actions is an extension of the work that we have been doing with flexibility and empathy. Remember how you practiced doing things new to you to expand how you saw the world?”
“Yeah, it worked too. Everybody commented on it. Natasha was surprised that I had read any Derrida and surprising Natasha is next to impossible. Could we come up with some exercises to help with this framing? I really don’t like the way that Tony and I keep going round in circles and how angry I am.”
The therapist smiled, “Of course we can. And I’m proud of you for deciding to tackle this. It won’t be easy since you have to catch yourself doing things that are kind of ingrained in your head. Like running the same path every day. But there are several exercises that you can do to help.”
Steve felt much better when he left the therapist’s office. He always felt better when he had actions to take and Dr. Bortich had given him quite a few to complete before the next session. He was to write a list of Tony’s positive attributes without any negatives and then read it carefully at least once a day. Dr. Bortich had also suggested that he try and not complain about the situation between him and Tony to anyone outside of therapy (“It’s just wearing down a path in your mind each time you complain and take no action”). Finally, the therapist had encouraged him to try and consciously find something positive in any interaction he had with Tony. With concrete plans and work to be accomplished, Steve felt invigorated and ready to try again.