Re-Framing the Conversation

The Man with the plan stereotype was not, Steve reflected, really false. He did do better when he had a definite series of actions to accomplish. It was one of the reasons that he got on so well with Dr. Bortich; the therapist was always prepared with specific actions for him to take to achieve his goals. And Steve always followed through, even when he didn’t understand the point or see any progress. This situation with Tony was just another example. Steve was not happy about the distance that he seemed unable to bridge. For quite a while, he had believed that he was right and viewed Tony as being stubborn and selfish. This had been comforting, but also, Steve realized (with the good Doctor’s help), ultimately self-serving. While his aims might have been good and his objections valid, his actions had been badly thought out and had caused a great deal of unnecessary damage.

Of course, there was some question about his objections and aims as well. Over the period of time that he and his team had been in hiding, there had been a lot of analysis of the Accords and discussions of its history. Turned out that the majority of the document had nothing to do with the Avengers; it was a carefully developed framework of treaties to allow a coordinated response by the world’s militaries to a possible invasion of the Earth and had been started following the invasion of New York. The section that dealt with the Avengers had been added in after the events in Sokovia and finalized after Lagos. Steve found that he didn’t have a problem with the majority of the Accords, mostly as they didn’t have anything to do with him. However, his objections to the Avengers section did, he realized with relief, have some validity. And his desire to protect Bucky, well, that he didn’t regret. How he had gone about it, on the other hand, he could recognize in hindsight that he had been emotionally compromised and not making good decisions.

He had always been aware that his behavior towards Tony in this whole mess had been…not good. His mother had told him repeatedly that if he wouldn’t want his actions looked at in the light of day, he was doing wrong. And he had a hard time looking straight at his behavior towards Tony. Not their disagreement about the Accords, but his personal behavior; he had lied and deceived and there was no way to paint that picture as good. So, he wanted Tony to forgive him and accept his apology. Moreover, he missed Tony. They had always had a weird complementary relationship; Tony’s modernity drove Steve crazy but also anchored him in the present. Steve thought that Tony found his certainty calming in the whirlwind that was the billionaire’s life. They had been brilliant in battle and had managed to lead the team together more successfully than anyone would have guessed. Without Tony to poke and prod, Steve found that he was withdrawing from engaging with the world he found himself in. Sam was a good friend, but he didn’t push Steve past his comfort levels, even when he really needed that.

All of this was why he had sent the letter and the phone. Of course, now that he had been over the letter with Dr. Bortich, he could see that it hadn’t helped his cause (for crisssake’s why had he written “I put my trust in individuals and they haven’t let me down” to an individual he had lied to and abandoned?). But the actions had arisen out of his need to restore his relationship with Tony. And it hadn’t worked. Sure, the Avengers were all back, but Tony had made it clear that their relationship was purely professional, just teammates and nothing else. Ironman attended practices and briefings, but Tony avoided any interaction and cut off all other communications. And it hurt, a lot. It was also frustrating and Steve knew he dealt badly with frustration. And that brought him back to the exercises that the therapist had suggested.

He had spent about an hour one night writing the list of Tony’s good qualities. He had then spent another hour editing the list. It wasn’t that he couldn’t list the billionaire’s good qualities; he had amassed a pretty good set. It was that he had, without realizing it, put in a lot of negative comments. It was exactly what the therapist had pointed out and, somehow, it hit Steve more when he saw it written out in his own hand. For example, he had put “generous, even inappropriately so” and when he reread it, he tried to think of what had made him add the last phrase. He remembered the story Pepper had told him about the giant rabbit, but she had told Steve the story with a happy fondness. So why had Steve written so negatively? And so it went throughout the list.

The morning after he had written the list, he carefully reread it after his post-run shower. With his eidetic memory, he really didn’t need to reread, but he understood that the act of reading the list kept it in the front of his mind. And it made a difference. He went to breakfast with the list in his thoughts. Clint and Natasha were already in the kitchen. He knew that Sam would be down in another few minutes (he always took longer than Steve did after the run to clean up). They were looking at a tablet, reading through the morning news, Steve assumed. When he entered, Clint looked up.

“Hey Cap, wanna see the latest gossip on Stark?” He swiveled the tablet around and Steve saw a picture of Tony with an expensive looking woman on his arm. The caption read, “TONY STARK seen at gala with model LYDIA SMALL. Could this be a new relationship for STARK? This is the third time the couple have attended events together.” The weird use of caps made Steve’s artist eye wince. He knew who the woman was of course. He had heard Tony and Rhodes discussing her; Tony seemed to have an agreement with her that she would be his date to events. She was also, according to what Steve had overheard, pursuing a doctoral degree in neurochemistry and didn’t bore Tony to tears.

Clint meanwhile continued his observation on Tony’s social life with a fairly crude comment. Natasha reached out and hit the archer on the back of the head. When he glared at her, she gestured to Steve and said, “You know Steve doesn’t appreciate language like that. And neither do I, especially at breakfast.” She then turned to Steve, “Ignore Clint. He is taking advantage of not being around his kids. Stark’s love life is not really suitable for any family-friendly discussions.” Steve figured that they had interpreted his frown as disapproval of the language. Actually, he was uncomfortable about the way they were discussing Tony’s life. As he made himself some eggs, he found himself running conversations within the team through his mind. Where they always this negative about Tony? After all, there was no reason for Tony not to date anyone he wanted, so why the rude comments?

He sparred the second day with Scott, part of an attempt to improve everyone’s combat skills, especially those who depended on technology. Steve generally enjoyed these sessions. It was fun to teach and Scott was funny, always ready to poke fun at himself. And Scott was doing that, but he was also talking about Tony Stark. Before, Steve wouldn’t have paid much attention, but with the prior morning experience in his mind, he was listening more closely. He knew that Scott and Tony were both engineers but he hadn’t realized that they were having interactions beyond what was required on the field. Apparently, Tony was training Scott in maintenance on the Avengers’ weapons, like Sam’s wings. It made sense to Steve to have Scott as a backup and he said so. Scott’s response had been, “Well, yeah, but I think he just doesn’t want to be bothered – with us, I mean. He never lets me into his main lab…we just work in mine. There’s a lot he’s doing that he doesn’t discuss with anyone or let anyone see and that’s kinda weird.”

Steve might have agreed with him before the whole reframing exercise, but now, doubts were creeping in. “Well, Tony works on a lot of Stark Industries stuff and that would be proprietary, wouldn’t it?”

“Maybe, but he’s just sneaky about it.” Steve suddenly remembered that Sam had met Scott when Scott was trying to steal from Stark Industries and let the conversation wander into other areas. But he was curious if just his teammates were talking this way or if everyone did. If everyone talked this way, then maybe there was something to all the negative comments.

He had a chance to test out this theory later the same day. He was doing hand-to-hand combat training with one of the new members of the Avengers, a woman who went by the code name Structure and whose real name was Wendy Bant. She was older than most of the others and her abilities were manipulating infrastructure; she had volunteered under some section of the Accords and spent most of her time in the field in a trance, preventing buildings from collapsing. He liked Wendy as she was no-nonsense and worked hard at her lessons, even though, at nearing fifty-five, she found them difficult.

That day, she was wearing a new combat suit. Steve didn’t need her to tell him that it was Stark-made. She was twisting around, testing its give as she came up to him. Seeing him eyeing it, she said, “Mr. Stark brought it by yesterday. He keeps worrying about me in the field, what with the trances and all.” One of the drawbacks to Structure’s ability was the fact that in order to use it, she entered into a trance that made her unaware of her surroundings. Combined with the fact that she had to be in close proximity to whatever she was trying to stabilize, the lack of awareness made her field operations very hazardous. As Steve understood it, she had mostly been deployed for emergency and disaster response because of those limitations. “He says that it’s bullet-proof, fire-proof and, he is hoping, energy proof – although I have no idea what he means by that. It’s actually pretty comfortable. I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to sit in it for long periods of time, but Mr. Stark thought of that. I promised him my peanut butter brownies as a thank you. I don’t think it’s enough, but he started a fight with Col. Rhodes by preemptively refusing to share.” She grinned up at him as she stepped on the mat. Steve grinned back; he had been present at the last peanut butter brownie fight and it had been epic. Once he had tasted one of the brownies, he had realized the fight was more than justified. So Wendy didn’t seem to have a negative view of Tony.

And so it went throughout that day and the following three until his next therapy appointment. Steve was talking before he even got settled with coffee in Dr. Bortich’s office. “They all were acting the same – my whole team! Even Sam made a comment about Tony being flaky when Tony missed a team exercise. And he heard Tony say that he had to go to a meeting in the city! I pointed that out and Sam acted like that was a euphemism! I don’t even understand…” he paused and then went on, “I mean, I always knew that Wanda didn’t like him, but I never really listened to how she talks about him. We have been over and over what happened to her and she knows that blaming Tony is irrational, but she still talks about him like he spends his days eating babies and kicking puppies!”

“I am assuming that the exercises to produce a positive frame for viewing Tony Stark have been productive?” At the question, Steve actually deflated, sinking back in the couch that was the only piece of furniture in the office that could easily accommodate his frame.

“I guess…” he replied, “I certainly never realized how everyone sounds. No wonder Tony doesn’t spend all that much time with any of us. And it probably also explains why Vision is so rarely around. Wanda has complained about it and I thought I would talk to Vision but after listening to everyone the last few days I don’t want to spend that much time with them.”

“I have to say, I didn’t realize how ingrained a negative framing of Tony Stark was among your teammates. If I had, I would have talked through this possibility with you. One of the outcomes of becoming conscious of your own framing is that you can become sensitive to other people’s. How did you react to these incidents? Did you express any discomfort to your friends?”

Steve hesitated and then replied, “I didn’t really say anything. At first, I thought that I was seeing something that might not be there. I know that I’m not the best at figuring out why people are acting the way they are – if it’s different from what I’m thinking. And then I couldn’t think of what to say. I mean, they weren’t any different; I was the one who changed.”

“It’s totally reasonable for you to spend some time thinking about how you want to proceed. The way that you and your team view Tony can’t be a recent thing. I know that Wanda, for example, has always had a negative view of Tony Stark. I am guessing that no one on the team ever talked to her about her attitude?”

“Well, Rhodes talked to me once about her behavior…” Steve winced at the memory of that conversation. Rhodes might have respected him as Captain America, but the Colonel outranked him and had far more combat and command experience. If War Machine had been with the Avengers full time, Steve doubted he would have maintained his position as leader. Rhodes had come to him soon after Tony had stepped back. He had asked Steve to talk to Wanda about her attitude to Tony, which was very frosty. When Steve had made some comment about Wanda’s issues and her past, Rhodes had crisply pointed out that all of them were living on Tony’s dime and that require politeness to the man if nothing else. The Airforce officer had strongly implied, Wanda could find herself another source of support if Tony offended her so. “I did talk to her, but considering that I probably made it sound like Tony’s problem, I don’t think it had a lot of effect. Although she stopped being outright rude. The problem is that the whole team is so fragile right now. How do I address this without causing even more issues?”

“It’s a large issue.” The therapist agreed, “But I don’t think you should attack it all at once. I would encourage you to concentrate on your framing first. My guess is that you are already changing your behavior and that might have more influence on everyone than anything you could say. It has only been less than a week after all.  Why don’t we continue with the exercises for another week and see what happens?”

He had a point. The Avengers were still finding their feet after his group had come back to the facility. There were a number of new members; many of whom he hadn’t really interacted with yet. And Steve knew that diving into situations without taking time to observe or think things through was one of his weaknesses; he would take another week to try and determine if he was seeing what he thought he was and what actions he should take.

Dr. Bortich was relieved by Steve’s agreement to take another week. He knew that when people were introduced to tools in therapy, the temptation was to apply them to everyone in the patient’s life, except the patient. He thought that the others probably did have a very negative view of Tony Stark and that it was a problem for the Avengers as a whole. But he didn’t want that larger problem to distract Steve from the work he needed to do on himself. Reframing was a powerful tool and there were other areas of Steve’s life where it would be valuable; if he could successfully apply it and see results. Let Steve work on himself first and then they could deal with everyone else.