Under Pressure

Bucky was waiting for Steve towards the back of the library. There were rows and rows of work tables spread out over the large space and he had chosen one in a corner. Likely to avoid being overheard by prying ears. Steve made his way to him, his messenger bag bumping his hip as he walked.

There were pockets of other students working but no one Steve recognized and he found himself feeling glad for it. Not that he was embarrassed to be seen with Bucky, he wasn’t, he just didn’t want anymore people to hear what was going on and get the wrong idea about him.

Bucky was looking down, his attention on the books laid out before him. Steve watched him work as he approached, the way Bucky’s long brown hair kept falling into his eyes as he bent to his work, the way his metal prosthetic gleamed in the light as he pushed his hair back behind his ears, and how his teeth sank into his lower lip when he caught sight of Steve.

“Hey,” Steve said when he was close enough.

“Hi,” Bucky said softly, “You uh, you wanna sit down?”

He began clearing space on the table so Steve could set his stuff down and Steve nodded as he sank into the seat across from him.

For a few moments neither of them spoke.

Steve wanted an explanation.

Bucky wanted to crawl under the table and dissolve into an embarrassed, regret filled puddle.

Instead he took a deep breath and stuck both hands in his hair as he stared down at the scattered mess of his study notes and tried to gather his thoughts. The whole situation was uncomfortable and entirely his fault. He tried to swallow down the roiling mass of guilt, fear, and embarrassment but it wouldn’t pass and now he felt like he might cry. Clenching his fists in his lap Bucky took a deep breath.

“Are you okay,” Steve asked, his voice soft.

“What?”

Bucky looked up and saw that Steve had leaned forward in his seat, his blue eyes wide and concerned as he watched Bucky.

“I know I said I wanted answers Buck and I do but-” Steve said, “It can wait. If you need to that is.”

“No.” Bucky said.

“No?”

“No,” Bucky repeated, “I owe you an explanation and if I don’t get it out now I probably never will.”

Steve nodded and then took a look around.

“You sure you want to do this here,” he asked.

“Don’t have much choice,” Bucky said darkly.

“What does that mean,” Steve asked, “We can leave if you want. Go somewhere less public.”

Bucky sighed and held up a hand asking Steve to stop talking for a minute.

“Steve look,” Bucky said, “You’ve got questions. I get that and I am going to try to answer them I promise. It’s just-I need you to-Will you let me tell you what’s going on first? Just let me say what I gotta say and then you can still ask me whatever. If you still want to.”

Steve nodded and sat back in his seat his arms folded across his broad chest. Bucky nodded too and raked his fingers through his hair again while wondering where to start.

Might as well start at the beginning idiot. He thought. This is already a shitshow. Telling the truth is hardly going to make it worse.

Bucky’s eyes were glued to his lap as he began.

He told Steve about his dad. The affair, the divorce, the way the asshole was basically leaving his family high and dry to start over with a woman twelve years younger.

Steve opened his mouth like he wanted to say something. Probably heartfelt condolences if the sincere look on his face was anything to go by. Bucky had shook his head and Steve had closed his mouth. Bucky kept talking.

“So he took everything and left,” Bucky said, his voice bitter and hard, “And when I confronted him about it, he gave me some half-assed story about how he’s felt unsatisfied for a long time and-” Bucky cut himself off waving a hand between them as if erasing what he’d just said.

“You don’t need to hear all that,” Bucky continued, “The point is, he cut us off. No money for the family to live on and no money for my tuition.”

“Bastard,” Steve said harshly.

Bucky felt himself smile a little.

“Yeah,” he agreed, “So I was up shit’s creek and had to hustle to get myself on a payment plan to stay enrolled. I managed but lost my apartment in the process. Tasha came over while I was on the phone with George-”

“George?”

“My dad,” Bucky clarified.

“Oh. The heartless bastard. Right,” Steve said.

Bucky grinned at Steve’s anger on his behalf. It was sweet in a demented sort of way. Plus Steve was pretty cute when he was mad. His jaw stood out a little more and his cheeks darkened to a warm rose color making the blue in his eyes look even bluer. Bucky shook away the thought and got back to his story.

“So Nat witnessed me having an epic meltdown as my life took a dive and when she asked what was going on-well-I was ashamed. She comes from this great family, like Norman Rockwell great. The money, the status, the works. They’ve always been nice to me, Nat’s family but well I’m her poor friend. It was bad enough when I had my accident and lost my arm. I had to endure months of being coddled, being a charity case, and I hated it. I didn’t want to go through that again.  I didn’t think she’d understand. Well that’s not true, she’d understand but I didn’t want her to pity me you know?”

Steve thought back to his childhood. The one bedroom apartment he and his mother had shared. The constant illness plaguing his frail body before he was able to get the right combination of medications and nutrition to finally grow and get healthy. He remembered the looks his classmates had given him. The sad eyed gazes from doctors and neighbors. He knew what being pitied felt like and understood the impulse to hide.

He nodded at Bucky and gave his flesh and blood forearm a squeeze.

“So I lied,” Bucky said, “I blamed it on a bad breakup. Except I wasn’t seeing anyone so I had to lie about that too and it just got way out of hand.”

“Why me though,” Steve interjected.

Bucky hesitated.

It would be so easy. He was already telling the truth about everything else. He could just admit his crush on Steve. Make it seem like no big deal, a thing of the past. Maybe they’d even laugh about it.

Bucky looked at Steve.  He was being so good about all this, understanding and even upset that Bucky was having a hard time. It made it really hard to imagine passing off his crush on Steve as some insignificant thing. Especially since he definitely wasn’t over it.

“I picked you because she doesn’t know you,” Bucky half lied, “I figured it would blow over quickly and it would never actually affect you. Except I should’ve remembered that Nat is notorious for holding grudges and is a super spy when she wants to find someone or information on someone.”

“Okay,” Steve said slowly, “So I was the convenient scapegoat. That’s, well, not great, but understandable considering the situation you were in. That doesn’t explain how-”

“We had sex last thursday,” Bucky said.

“Only we didn’t,” Steve said giving him a look that clearly said keep your voice down .

Two tables over a pair of girls looked up from their studies and shot Steve and Bucky an interested glance. Steve blushed and looked away. Bucky reached across the table to grab Steve’s hand in his own before shooting the girls a wink. They smirked and rolled their eyes then went back to studying. Steve kicked Bucky under the table and Bucky took back his hand.

“Will you cut it out,” Steve asked, not mad but embarrassed and blushing.

“Right. Sorry,” Bucky said, “As I was saying, I threw you under the bus, and Nat vowed to find and destroy you. Shortly after that midterms happened so she seemed to drop it. Then spring break came and everyone left but me which was fine .”

“Except it was lonely, boring, and sucked,” Steve said thinking about his own spring break which mirrored Bucky’s in some significant ways.

“What,” Bucky asked.

“Nevermind. Sorry” Steve said, “Please continue.”

“So, yeah,” Bucky said, “Everyone got back and shared their epic break stories. I had nothing. Nat pushed and I admitted that I saw you. That’s what I said. I saw you on thursday. She took it to be something else, that we hooked up. At first I didn’t see the problem. My going out with a guy for a night sounds way better than I ran into a former classmate at the bodega then ate Chef Boyardee alone so I let her believe it. Then I remembered her deep seated hatred of you and well.”

“It was too late,” Steve said.

“It was too late,” Bucky agreed.

“Wow,” Steve said running his fingers through his hair, “That’s a lot to take in.”

“For what it’s worth,”Bucky said, “I am really really  sorry.”

Steve rubbed the heels over his eyes while he tried to gather his thoughts. He should be mad. Furious even. Bucky used him and made him out to be the bad guy for no reason other than convenience. Still Steve couldn't seem to find the righteous anger that was his usual calling card. Maybe it was his crush, maybe it was sympathy for a fellow student who was struggling. Either way all Steve felt was a need to help. Annoyed with himself but resigned he dropped his hands into his lap and pinned Bucky to his seat with a firm look.

“Now that I’ve got the full story I’d like to say a few things,” Steve said, “One, you’ve got to stop lying to your friends. Especially about me please.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Two,” Steve continued, “I think you should tell Natasha the truth. I’m not going to out you-”

“You’re not?” Bucky asked.

“Buck,” Steve said slightly annoyed, “I let you talk and now it’s my turn.”

“Right, Right. Sorry.”

“Stop apologizing,” Steve said, “I am not going to expose you to your friends but I would appreciate it if you found a way to fix this. I really don’t want the whole campus to think I am some sort of heartless d-bag.”

Bucky nodded.

“Good,” Steve said, “So I have one last question.”

“Shoot.”

“Where are you sleeping,” Steve asked.

“Excuse me,” Bucky asked, “I thought we just cleared up that we aren’t sleeping together.”

Steve’s pink face seemed to get a little pinker as he held up a hand.

“No,” he said, “That’s not what I meant you jerk. I was just wondering, because you mentioned you lost your apartment, where you’ve been staying.”

Bucky shut down then. His smile fell from his face and his eyes returned to his lap.

“I’m okay,” he lied, “I’ve got it sorted out.”

Steve wasn’t fooled.

“Buck,” he said.

“Steve leave it. Please?”

Steve sighed.

“Fine. Give me your phone.” Steve said.

Bucky pulled his cellphone from his back pocket, unlocked it and slid it across the table. Steve started entering in his phone number.

“I’m giving you my number,” he said, “If you need help-”

“Steve-”

“If you need help,” Steve repeated, “Text me. I’ve got a fold out couch and an understanding best friend for a roommate.”

“Are you serious,” Bucky said, “Here I thought you were going to kick my ass and instead you’re giving me your number.”

“I'm giving you my number so I can help you and I wasn’t going to kick your ass,” Steve said, “I mean I was hoping I wouldn’t have to kick your ass and luckily I don’t.”

“Like you could,” Bucky teased.

“Oh really," Steve asked his eye brow raised.

“ You wanna wrastle Stevie?” Bucky said putting on an obviously fake southern accent. 

"You wish," Steve said grinning.

"Yeah I do," Bucky said with a smile forgetting himself for a moment. 

Shit. He immediately thought. You idiot you just gave yourself away!!

Thinking quickly Bucky covered by playing it over the top. He winked and waggled his eyebrows suggestively at the blond while grinning. Luckily Steve was too busy fighting down another adorable blush to notice Bucky's momentary freakout. Instead he rolled his eyes and kicked at Bucky beneath the table. 

 "Oh my god you idiot just shut up," Steve said chuckling.

Steve sent himself a text from Bucky’s phone then handed it back to its owner. That done he leaned back in his chair and ran his fingers through his hair again. Before he could think of something else to say to stave off the growing awkward silence his stomach let out a growl.

Bucky chuckled.

“You hungry,” Steve asked after kicking Bucky in the shin again.

“I just admitted to eating canned ravioli for dinner to you,” Bucky said, “Of course I’m hungry.”

Steve stood and started gathering up his stuff.

“Let’s go,” he said.

Bucky hesitated and looked up at the big blond warily.

“Go where?”

“The theater department,” Steve said, “There’s student performances happening tonight.”

“So,” Bucky asked.

“So,” Steve said, “They’re offering free pizza to anyone willing to watch the freshman showcase.”

“Oh god,” Bucky said looking horrified.

“Free pizza Buck,” Steve reminded him, “All you can eat.”

Bucky stood and groaned as he started to clean up his stuff.

“I’m gonna eat until I puke,” he said.

“That’s the spirit,” Steve said.