Under Pressure

Steve was in a daze.

He hadn’t left the house in four days and now that he was outside, the late evening sunset was blinding. His fingers were stained with paint, his hair was uncombed and he was wearing the same t-shirt and sweatpants he’d worn the day before. Getting changed had seemed too tedious after spending the last eleven hours alternating between naps, painting his final graduation piece and binging episodes of Sense8 on Netflix.

Squinting in annoyance, he strode down the sidewalk towards his favorite bodega to refill his stock of junk food and caffeine. The neighborhood was pretty empty, most of the inhabitants gone to warmer climates for spring break.

Steve couldn’t afford to go out of town for break. He had barely enough to get by on for the semester, working two jobs, at the  local diner and as a student aid in the art department. Peggy, Sam, Angie, and Riley had all gone to Florida for the week. Sam had made Steve promise that he would do at least one thing fun while they were gone instead of working himself stupid on his grad projects and shifts at the diner.

Steve had reluctantly agreed and if the one thing fun was eating his weight in Oreos who was Sam to judge? Stepping into the corner store Steve waved hello to the middle aged woman working behind the counter and scratched the ears of Cheddar, the fat orange tabby that belonged to no one but was always in the store.

Steve ambled down the aisles glancing at the variety of chips and snack cakes, unable to decide what to gorge on next. Two aisles over, standing in the canned goods section was another bleary eyed college student, his head down leaving only his longish brown hair and stunning profile visible.  

Shit.

It was Bucky Barnes. The super hot engineering major from his math class. Steve had never spoken to Barnes but they had crossed paths a few times over the last few months. It was a case of having just enough friends and courses in common to be familiar with one another but not close enough to actually interact.

That hadn’t stopped Steve from developing an embarrassingly large crush on the guy however. He was just so hot and he had a good laugh, one of Steve’s weaknesses. So Steve had pined his way through Calculus hoping to work up the nerve to do more than smile awkwardly whenever the guy happened to sit near him but he never had.

Then the following semester they had been in a composition course together and Bucky had actually complimented Steve’s writing once which Steve had stupidly blushed at but still failed to work up the nerve to strike an actual conversation. And on and on it went. Bucky and Steve would cross paths with one another like ships passing in the night but never connecting. Steve had chalked it up as another missed opportunity, convinced he wouldn’t see Bucky again after they stopped sharing classes but apparently he’d been wrong.

As if he could sense Steve’s awkward staring Bucky straightened from his hunch and began to turn Steve’s way.

Desperate not to be caught ogling the guy, Steve spun around only to run straight into a candy display sending bags of skittles and m&m's everywhere.

+++++

Bucky was trying not to panic. He was down to his last thirty bucks and running on less than six hours of sleep. He had to make a decision about dinner soon so he would have time to cook it and eat before returning to the library. He had a work-study gig there while school was in session and luckily he still had his key card and could gain access to the building during regular hours but during the break he had to work around the custodian schedule to avoid getting locked out.

All of his friends and most of the students were gone for the week which made his overnight stays in the library far more suspicious. Something that would change drastically once faculty and the student body returned in less than 24 hours. He would be able to hide amongst the masses then, burning the midnight oil pouring over books instead of being the solitary soul lingering in the large building for a lack of anywhere else to go.

He stood in the cheap corner grocery store and surveyed his options. He had eaten more canned ravioli in the last month than one man should in an entire lifetime. That left canned tuna (shudder), Campbell's soup, various flavor packages of ramen and canned fruit. Bucky grabbed a few of each and stood from his crouch to head to the register.

In the few weeks of his  relative homelessness, he had become extremely sensitive to eyes on him and in that moment he knew he was being watched. Straightening to his full height, Bucky switched his groceries to his prosthetic hand and pushed back his hair with his right. Glancing out the corner of his eye, he glimpsed his observer.

Fuck.

It just had to be him. Steven ‘smile like the goddamn sun’ Rogers. If Nat were there she would be teasing him about the machinations of fate and cat calling the gorgeous blonde in an unsubtle attempt to embarrass Bucky.

As it was, Bucky was embarrassing himself by staring at the guy while he shopped. Ducking his head down again Bucky hustled towards the counter to pay only to bust out laughing when Rogers randomly slammed his enormous body into a candy display sending brightly colored packages everywhere.

+++++

Steve wanted to kick his own ass.

It was a familiar feeling.

Steve had spent so much of his life as a skinny sickly kid that when he finally got the chance to be healthy, to grow and bulk up he’d had to learn and learn quickly how to control his much larger body. The learning curve was steep which meant clumsiness was a common theme in his adolescence and unfortunately it had followed him into adulthood.

After taking a series of calming breaths, he was  able to tamp down his embarrassment enough to crouch down and clean up his mess.

He scooped up the candy and returned it to the shelf only to see another set of hands doing the same. Glancing up from under his lashes, Steve caught a glimpse of Bucky up close.

“You okay pal,” Bucky asked.

“Y-Yeah,” Steve said, “Just dead on my feet I guess.”

“Tell me about it,” Bucky said, “I’m so tired I don’t think I’m even human anymore.”

Steve chuckled and the two rose to their feet, clean up all finished.

“College campuses. Ground zero for the zombie apocalypse, I could see it,” Steve joked.

Bucky laughed and was rewarded with one of Steve’s megawatt smiles. The two made their way to the checkout counter, Bucky holding a variety of canned goods and Steve’s favorite brand of ramen while Steve wasn’t carrying anything close to real food. Just two different bags of chips, an extra large package of beef jerky and a carton of cookies n cream ice cream on top.

Both men sized up the other’s purchases with a mix of curiosity and embarrassment.

“That’s quite the spread you’ve got there Rogers,” Bucky teased, “You’d think a guy with a body like yours would have a better handle on proper nutrition.”

Steve felt himself blush at the mention of how fit he was and Bucky looked like someone had just clocked him in the back of the head with a two by four, his eyes wide and his face red.

“I mean, uhh-” Bucky stammered.

“Shut up Jerk,” Steve teased, “I’m on vacation.”

Bucky sagged in relief that Steve didn’t mention his clumsy attempts at conversation.

“Whatever punk,” Bucky said, “You keep that diet up and you won’t have any teeth left to smile with at graduation.”

“Teeth or no teeth I am getting that diploma,” Steve said with a mock fierceness.

“I believe ya pal,” Bucky said with a smile.

+++++

Bucky walked back to the library in a daze. His mind replaying his interaction with Steve over and over again as he walked. The guy wasn’t just gorgeous, he was also funny and friendly which just made it that much worse that Bucky had once again choked. He’d meant to ask Steve to hang out sometime but then his brain had reminded him of his lack of money or place to hang out in, and he’d frozen.  Again.

He’d tried to ask out Steve one time before but then a brunette named Peggy had shown up, with her ample curves and soft british accent sweeping Steve away leaving Bucky mentally kicking himself over his lame offer to go for a coffee.  

Miserable and hungry, Bucky increased his pace back to the library and snuck in while the building’s cleaning crew was unloading their gear.

He had a pretty serviceable setup going in the library. The blankets and sleeping bag he was using as bedding were stored in his employee locker during the day and the emergency lanterns served as his overnight lighting once the building was locked for the night. He used the break room kitchenette to cook and eat his meals.

There was a level of shame and guilt as he rinsed his bowl and put it back in the communal cupboard but he pushed it down. He was only a short six weeks from graduation. He promised himself that when he did graduate and if he was able to get out from under his immense school debt, he’d repay the school somehow. Maybe make one of those alumni donations he was always hearing about.

As he settled into his bedroll he pulled out his textbook and started on some of his readings. About two pages in his fell asleep,

+++++

The building maintenance crew came at seven am to start turning everything back on and waking the building up for use to begin at eight. Bucky had already been awake for half an hour and slipped out the side entrance as soon as he could.

The student cafeteria wasn’t open for the week so he scrounged up some change and went to the local diner to get a mug of coffee.

Bucky was sitting in his favorite booth near the windows people watching and sipping his third free refill when his cell phone rang.

“H’lo,” Bucky said ignoring the way his empty stomach rumbled.

“Hello James,” Nat said, “Miss me?”

Bucky laughed. Only his best friend could inject amusement, judgement and concern into four little words. Truth be told he had missed her but he wouldn’t tell her that. It would only worry her and with his current situation so precarious, he couldn’t afford to let her know anything was wrong.

“You’d like that wouldn’t you,” he teased.

“I’ll tell you what I like,” Nat teased back.

“Please don’t,” Bucky said, “My ears cannot handle such filth.”

“I was going to say a hot shower and a nap in my own bed dirty boy,” She said mock offended, “Get your mind out of the gutter.”

Bucky laughed. It was good to talk to his best friend again. It made him feel a little less alone.

“Well I was going to ask if you were up to some company but if you’re going to nap-”

“Oh no,” Nat said brushing off his concern, “Come over. I have some funny stories to tell and I am dying to hear about your thrilling week.”

“Prepare to be disappointed,” he said dryly.

Natasha laughed and Bucky did too.

“Just get over here drama queen,” she told him.

“On my way Princess,” he said.

+++++

“You did what,” Nat asked, her voice deadly soft.

“It’s not a big deal,” Bucky said feigning calm.

“Not a big deal,” she asked, “James do I need to remind you that he’s your ex? An ex that  brutally broke your heart via text a few months ago? How is hooking up with him not a big deal?”

Bucky felt a swell of guilt rise in chest. The feeling made his stomach knot and his hands sweat. He rubbed his palms on his jeans and faked a smile. It was hard lying to his best friend and the longer he had to lie to her the worse it felt. Closing his eyes he rubbed his forehead with his finger tips and tried to remember how he’d gotten himself into this mess.

It had all started three months earlier. Bucky had been starting his final semester of college and was looking ahead to applying for jobs and internships after graduating. Then his mother had called. She and her father were divorcing. He had met someone else and was cutting ties with Winnie and the kids. Winnie had been devastated and even worse had no idea how she was going to support Bucky’s younger sisters and herself. Which was bad enough but then Bucky had received the final blow. George was no longer paying for Bucky’s schooling.

Angry and hurt Bucky had stood in his apartment and raged at his father. Calling him a coward, a liar and cursed the man to hell and back multiple times. Bucky had been in tears when Nat had arrived for their customary Netflix, study, and platonic chill session. Too proud, ashamed, and scared Bucky hadn’t been willing to share with her what had happened or ask for help.

As time went on and she pressed for answers about why he was suddenly depressed, less willing to hang out, and why he had to save every penny, he’d panicked. So he made up a fake boyfriend and then ended the fake relationship claiming that his boyfriend had broken his heart.

Who did he choose as his fake ex-boyfriend?

None other than his super secret crush, Steve.

Nat had been furious. She had been shocked that Bucky had managed to hide a relationship from her and then pissed that the guy had been such a colossal jerk to Bucky. She’d wanted to call Steve up herself and read him the riot act but Bucky had refused claiming he just wanted to put the whole situation behind him.

Nat hadn’t wanted to agree but in the end she had in order to help Bucky feel better. He had then set out to find another job to  attempt to cover the cost of school himself but he’d only been slightly successful. He had been too late to apply for loans so he got a payment plan for his courses but he’d had to give up his off campus apartment. Which was how he’d ended up living at one of his jobs at the library.

“James,” Nat said pulling him back to the present, “You deserve better. I know you have a hard time remembering that but you do. Steve isn’t good for you.”

Bucky thought back to Thursday when he and Steve had bumped into one another. He had been so nice, friendly and sweet just like every other time Bucky had seen him. He didn’t deserve Bucky trashing him like this or Nat’s anger.

“He’s not a bad guy,” Bucky argued lamely.

“Bucky I saw how wrecked you were after he ended things,” Nat said gently, “He hurt you so badly and you don’t owe him anything. Especially not your body.”

Bucky blushed.

“Can we-Can we talk about something else,” he asked.

Nat frowned for a moment then nodded and reached over to pull him into a hug.

“My poor baby,” she cooed teasingly, “I just want you to know I care about you.”

He struggled when she intentionally smothered his face into her ample chest. She laughed and then began shrieking with laughter when he began tickling her when he got free of her embrace. They wrestled around for a while before finally calling truce and settling in to study.

+++++

Steve was so confused.

He and  his best friend Sam were sitting in his livingroom sharing a pizza and catching up after a week apart. It had started off fun, Sam sharing tales of Riley’s epic sunburn and Peggy’s disastrous first experience with tequila sunrises. Then things had taken a turn for the weird. Sam had come home the day before and met up with some of his classmates to discuss their public speaking projects which Steve, who was deathly afraid of public speaking, thankfully had nothing to do with.

Or so he had thought. Apparently some of Sam’s Poli-Sci friends were friends with the Science and Engineering majors. Which again lead to a weird overlap in friendship circles and an increase in gossip and drama. Drama Steve seemed to be the unwitting center of.

“He-he told her that?” Steve stammered, “Natasha, I mean. Bucky told her that we hooked up?”

Steve was struggling. He was embarrassed, he was confused, and there were too many new names to keep straight. Not to mention he was distracted as his mind kept trying to put faces to the names of people who apparently now hated him for doing something he didn’t do. Granted some of them sounded familiar and as soon as Sam left Steve planned to do some heavy  investigating but first Sam had to leave.

So Steve had to focus.

“Well yeah. She’s his best friend, they’re practically siblings they’re so close.”

“Yeah I know that,” Steve lied, “I just didn’t expect him to-It’s just this is so-”

“Why are you being so weird right now?” Sam asked.

Steve was blushing. He could feel his cheeks, ears and neck burning with it. The idea that he and Bucky had hooked up was both exciting and laughable. He could barely talk to the guy without stammering and now people thought they’d had a one night stand? It didn’t make sense.

“Because this is weird!” Steve said far too loudly, then he sighed, “Come on Sam, it’s awkward isn’t it? Me and you sitting here talking about everyone who knows the nitty gritty details of me having sex two nights ago. People don’t normally do this.”

“Actually I think people do this all the time. Best friends share Steve.”

“We don’t.” Steve reminded him.

“Because you asked me to stop,” Sam pointed out.

“That’s right. I did,” Steve agreed, “And this isn’t an invitation to start again either.”

Sam laughed then shot Steve a wink. Steve pretended to gag then dodged the pillow Sam threw at his face.

“Speaking of sharing,” Sam said when they’d both calmed, “How come you never told me?”

“Told you what,” Steve asked.

“About you and Barnes,” Sam said giving Steve a shove, “I knew you were into him but I didn’t think you had done anything about it.”

Steve shrugged helplessly.

“Though I gotta say,” Sam continued, “I didn’t think you were the type to break up via text... That’s kinda cold don’t you think?”

Steve had so many questions and he was hurt. He was starting to piece together what was going on. Bucky, for whatever reason, told Natasha that they used to date and that they had hooked up again randomly over spring break. Steve wanted to call Bucky and ask why, what was he using Steve to cover for  and why hadn’t he told Steve. Also what has Steve done to him to make him paint him as such an asshole?

“Steve,” Sam said trying to pull his friend back into the conversation, “Steve you okay man?”

“S-Sorry Sam,” Steve said,pushing the issue with Buck to the back burner, “Let’s talk about something else okay? Have you asked Riley about moving in together after graduation yet?”

Steve smiled as his friend groaned and blushed. Sam and Riley were perfect for each other and Steve couldn’t be happier for his friend. He was almost positive that Riley was going to say yes but Sam was nervous so Steve spent the rest of the afternoon mentally plotting his next move and hyping Sam up for taking the next step with his boyfriend.

+++++

Steve got the opportunity for answers three days later. He was working an afternoon shift at the diner when he saw  Bucky come in. Angie served him a single mug of black coffee and he held it between his hands as he stared absently out the window. Steve had spent the hours he was there working his section and staring at Bucky trying to figure out how to approach him.

By the time it was time for Steve’s break he’d given up on ideas for tact and decided to just go for it.

Steve slid a plate onto the table then dropped down into the booth across from Bucky. His hands were shaking a little so he placed them in his lap before leaning forward and drawing the other man’s attention. Bucky looked up from his book, surprise widening his grey blue eyes and Steve’s fingers itched with the need to brush back the lock of hair that had fallen onto Bucky’s forehead.

“Hey,” Bucky said surprised.

“Hi,” Steve said.

They stared at each other for a beat. Bucky looked away first. The plate caught his attention and he slid it closer to himself.

“What’s this?” he asked.

“A turkey club,” Steve said absently.

“I didn’t order a turkey club.”

“I know,” Steve said, “You ordered a black coffee two hours ago and now it’s gone cold because you’ve neglected to actually drink it.”

Bucky glanced at the mug sitting on the table and touched it with the back of his flesh and blood hand. It was cold. He frowned and looked back at Steve. The blonde was just too good looking, it wasn't fair. He was wearing a grey henley with the sleeves rolled up his forearms, faded blue jeans, and a white apron tied around his trim waist.

Bucky felt like a slob in his grubby hoodie and tried not to wince when he realized he was wearing all black from head to toe. Again.

“So I think we need to talk,” Steve said interrupting his thoughts.

“Umm, okay?”

“About what happened last Thursday,” Steve continued, “Or rather, what didn’t happen as it were.”

Bucky had taken a bite of the sandwich. It was good, the bread toasted, just the right amount of mayo, and crispy bacon. He hadn’t realized how hungry he was until he’d swallowed the first bite and gone back in for another which promptly got stuck in his throat.

“Who told you,” Bucky asked.

“Who told me what? That last Thursday I hooked up with my ex-boyfriend  whom I haven’t spoken to after brutally dumping him via text 3 months ago,” Steve asked sarcastically, “Well if you must know, Sam told me. He learned about it from Jane and Darcy who got texts about it from Tony who overheard his roommates Clint and Bruce who had the displeasure of listening to a rage rant on the topic from your best friend Natasha.”

Steve paused and took a bite of his own sandwich. Chewing quickly while watching Bucky’s face turn a surprisingly adorable shade of pink. He coughed for a bit and Steve slid his glass of water over so Bucky could take a drink.

“I think I got all the names right,” Steve said, “though please do correct me if I missed anyone.”

“I am so sorry,” Bucky said softly.

He was looking at the remains of his sandwich sitting on the plate. His appetite was gone, leaving a guilty queasiness in its wake. Curling his shoulders inward he felt himself on the verge of a panic attack as he waited for Steve to explode at him. It was completely justified after what Bucky had done and while he dreaded it, he understood. Steve took a deep breath and Bucky flinched only to relax when Steve let it out in a heavy sigh.

“For which part?” Steve asked, “Though I gotta say, I think the breakup via text is the worst bit. I would never.”

“Steve.”

“It’s so cruel. I mean you’ve got feelings and obviously so do I but that is just more reason to meet face to face. Even if you’re too mad or I’m too hurt or whatever. I need you to know I would never do that.  ”

“Steve! We never actually dated pal.”

“I know that Buck,” Steve said, “I’m just saying, did you have to make me out to be such an asshole?”

“I’m sorry,” Bucky said again.

“Why me though? Did I do something to wrong you somehow? Though I can’t imagine what it would be seeing as how this is the longest conversation you and I ever had.” Steve said.

“Look,” Bucky said running his fingers through his hair, “I know it’s not an excuse but I panicked. I panicked and threw you under the bus.”

Steve sat back and waited for the rest, his arms crossed over his broad chest. When Bucky hesitated, Steve raised an eyebrow but Bucky looked away. Steve kicked his shin lightly under the table. Bucky drained the rest of the glass of water.

“Panicked about what Bucky?” Steve prompted.

“It’s a long story,” Bucky said finally.

“Sorry to break up the fun boys but,” Angie said approaching the table her hands on her hips, “break time’s over and I’ve gotta run or I won’t make my audition.”

Steve sprang up from his seat and apologized.

“So sorry Angie,” he said, “Lost track of time. You can get going now if you need to. I’ve got this.”

The diner was pretty dead and Steve was confident it would stay that way until later. Midweek was usually pretty quiet especially since people were just settling back in after spring break.”

“Thanks sweets,” Angie said, pecking him on the cheek as she slid out of her apron, “I owe you one.”

“Knock em dead,” Steve said kissing her cheek in return.

With a final wave, Angie slid out of the diner and into the late afternoon sun. Steve watched her go then began clearing Bucky’s table.

“I’d still like an explanation,” he said, shooting Bucky a look.

“I know,” Bucky said softly, “And I’ll give you one. It’s just-It’s a long story.”

“I’m off at four,” Steve offered.

“I’ll be at the library then,” Bucky said.

Steve stood up, his arms full of dirty plates and cups. He came to a decision and nodded to Bucky.

“I’ll meet you there around four-thirty.” he said.

Bucky swallowed heavily and nodded then put his payment on the table and fled the diner. Steve went back to work but his mind was on Bucky. He had looked understandably guilty when Steve had asked for an explanation but when Steve had proposed meeting in the library Bucky had looked uncomfortable, almost scared somehow. Shaking his head, Steve pushed the thoughts aside and focused on finishing his shift.