Abandoned

Loki was down on his knees with both boys wrapped in his arms; tears streaming down his cheeks. He couldn't believe his boys were there. They seemed so happy; so fulfilled. 

"Narfi, Váli...how did you get here? I thought you'd be in Valhalla. You both died honorably! In battle! Why, my sons?" 

He was so distraught by the idea that they hadn't made it to Valhalla that he almost failed to see how lovely Hel really was. 

"Look around you, papa," Narfi replied, "We chose to come here. You spoke of our sister so much when we were small. We were...dying to meet her," he giggled.  

Váli chuckled as well, and they both broke down in a fit of laughter. Loki watched in awe for a few moments before he began to chuckle a bit himself. His boys' laughter had always been contagious, and it seemed even more so now. As he looked around, he realized that Hel was definitely not the place he'd heard about all his life. The others around them were happy; doing things they seemed to enjoy. There were animals and trees, birds and flowers, and Loki almost felt as if he had come to the wrong place. 

"Speaking of your sister...is she busy?" 

Narfi conjured a huge chunk of chocolate out of thin air, stuffing it in his mouth before answering. 

"Oh yeah... she's just trying to convince mama to come out. Mama thinks everyone is pranking her again. But to be fair, we'd never prank her about this," he gestered at Loki. 

Loki felt all of the blood drain from his face. Mama? He knew their mama wasn't dead, so who was he speaking of? He stared at Narfi for a moment trying to discern whether his son was actually speaking of her. His lost love.

"Narfi--

"Papa! I wondered when that crusty old bastard would finally allow you to come see me!" 

Loki turned to see Hel- his beautiful baby girl- all grown up and standing before him. She was utterly resplendent, dressed in a shimmering green gown and a golden crown. She held out her arms, and Loki's eyes filled with tears once more. Pulling her close, he inhaled, hoping her scent hadn't changed even though she was hundreds of years old. 

"He didn't. Bucky...my friend, and I...we went to Asgard and took Sleipnir, but he couldn't make it over the wall. Bucky is up on top keeping an eye on him." 

Suddenly, Hel let out a sound that Loki did not recognize. Seconds later, the giantess they had met earlier peeked her head over the gate. 

"Your majesty?" 

Hel's expression was one of barely contained irritation, and Loki could tell that if he weren't standing there, the giantess would be getting a dressing down. 

"Have you forgotten that I am the queen?"

The giantess lowered her head. "No, your majesty." 

"Did you not know who my father was?"

"Yes, your majesty, I did." 

"Then why did you force him and his friend to claw their way up the wall like common criminals? My father is a king, and he shall be treated as such. Open the gate and allow his friend and my brother Sleipnir inside."

The giantess nodded, but Hel continued. "Remember Móðguð, I am the one who decides who is allowed to come in and who is allowed to leave with their lives, not you."

When Loki found his voice again, he shouted up to Bucky, letting him know that he was free to come down. Sleipnir trotted through the gates and nuzzled Loki the second the gates opened. Bucky, evidently already over scaling up and down walls for the day, surprised everyone by jumping down and landing solidly on two feet. Hel glanced at Loki, raising her eyebrows, and Loki shrugged. 

"So this is Sleipnir? My darling brother that I've heard so much about? Narfi and  Váli have missed you so much," she cooed, stroking his mane. 

"Sleipnir!"  Váli cried, climbing onto his back. Sleipnir snuffled happily and jerked his head at Narfi. "You too. Come on. I missed you." 

As the two boys played with their long lost brother, Loki decided it was time to inquire about Narfi's comment from earlier. 

"Narfi said 'mama' was here. Who...is he talking about?" 

Loki held his breath waiting for his daughter's answer. He desperately wanted to see her again, and he knew that could never happen any other way. And he wanted her and at least one of their children to be together, but he never wanted it to be like this. 

Hel smiled kindly.

"Papa, I think you already know. Would that be so bad, papa? What do you think of this place? When I was sent here, I was angry, depressed, and completely miserable. But there were people here who needed something more. I couldn't let them down. I couldn't punish them for the emotional trauma that I was suffering. So I went to work making this place a haven for everyone who comes here. Did you expect it to be like this, papa?"

Loki wanted to talk with Hel about what a wonderful job she'd done, but he was in physical pain waiting for her answer. Still, he was able to set his own thoughts aside because his daughter was seeking his approval, and he knew exactly how that felt. He looked around once more, taking note of the beauty she'd created for the people who had not reached Valhalla. It was quite breathtaking, and he decided right then that he did not wish to go anywhere else when the time came. 

He took her face in his hands, smiling to himself when he realized it felt exactly as it had when she was just a small child. 

"My beautiful girl, you have made me so proud. I agonized over losing you. I've spent so many years wondering what I could have done to stop him. I should have realized that you were strong enough to weather any storm and make it bow to your will. You are a true queen." 

As Loki wiped the tears from Hel's cheeks, she nodded her head. "She's here, papa. Mama is here. Come see for yourself." 

"There's something you need to know. Something...I'd like for you to share with the people of Asgard- especially the young boys," she said as they walked together.

Loki nodded, tilting his head in curiosity.

"For centuries, Odin has told them that Valhalla was for the elite warriors; that dying without honor would land them in Hel- a place that no one could ever want to be- but that's a lie. You can see for yourself that this place is a peaceful afterlife. Yes, it is heavily guarded, but show me a realm that isn't! Odin has been lying to the citizens of Asgard for centuries in order to gain a stronger army. The people send their children to train to be warriors for the sole purpose of dying in battle, and that is not right. They need to know the truth, papa." 

Loki couldn't believe he hadn't put the pieces together himself, but he knew that Hel was telling the truth. He'd even heard mothers telling their sons that becoming a warrior was one's only option if they wanted the Valkyries to take them to Valhalla. 

He'd been thinking of all of Odin's betrayal's when Hel turned to smile at him. 

"Don't be afraid, papa. She's happy here...and the boys call her mama too."

"Loki?" 

It was her. His Angrboða. His angel.

Loki remembered the day they met. He'd had a fight with Odin in the weapons vault. The fight. He'd just found out he wasn't really Asgardian, and Odin had revealed several half-truths that had left him confused and angry. After meeting with Laufey to gauge whether he even recognized his own son, Loki was wandering aimlessly through the thick snowy forest when he found her hut. She'd realized he was hurting immediately, and somehow provided the comfort he needed in a way that Loki could accept. It was as if she was born to be a wife and mother. Loki later found out that Angrboða understood his pain so well because she was only half Jotun, herself. Her father was Vanir, and the Frost Giants had shunned her so completely that she'd made her home in the forest, far away from civilization.

It wasn't long before Angel- as he called her- was pregnant with their first child, Fenrir. 

"Angel," he said; his voice husky and weak. "What happened to you, my love?" 

He walked toward her and tentatively reached out, sighing in relief as she threw herself into his arms. 

"Oh Loki... It was all just too much. Fenrir and Jor and Hel... and then you. When you fell, I just..." Her eyes were wide with the memory of her pain, and Loki pulled her close again.

"The Valkyries came for me. They said I had fought bravely, but I ultimately lost the battle with my own broken heart," she sobbed. "I chose to come here. I knew our baby girl was here, Loki. And I-- I thought you would be too..." 

Loki held her as tightly as he could, whispering to her as he used to do when they lived together. After she'd become pregnant with Fenrir, Loki had built them a home just outside of Vanaheim in hopes that no one would bother them. He'd been a fool. After Odin sent their children away, Loki made his plan to destroy Jotunheim. He'd thought that if he made Odin proud, the All-Father would have mercy and bring at least one of them back. Angel had been so distraught; so listless, he was afraid she would never fully recover. And they'd both had reason to want the Frost Giants gone. Angel had grasped the sides of his helmet and kissed him goodbye as he'd left for the palace that day. 

"I can't believe you...you..." Loki couldn't bring himself to say it.

"Took my own life? My love, what did I have to live for? My babies were gone, and I thought you had died. I wanted to die with you. Loki, I never stopped loving you, even as long as I've been here. I still love you." 

Suddenly, Loki couldn't remember why he needed to leave there. What was stopping him from staying there with her and his boys and his beautiful daughter? Why would he leave? He felt himself clinging to her in a way that wasn't quite right, and he heard Hel's voice, but he couldn't understand what she was saying. All he wanted was to stay. His vision grew blurry, but it did not matter. He was holding on to his Angel. He just wished James would stop talking. 

"What did you do to him?" Bucky yelled. 

Hel was calm as she answered.

"I was afraid of this. He has become overwhelmed with longing and grief. You must remind him why he has to return with you. Otherwise, he will die here."