Time between the Clouds
Waking up brings no reprieve.
Yesterday, Maya woke up next to her wife. Today, she’s not even sure if she has a wife anymore.
It was early morning when she fell asleep, and it is early evening when she opens her eyes. Still lying on her side facing the window, Maya is alone again. She can hear nurses being paged, sirens from outside, families talking. All the sounds of life and none are for her.
It’s funny, in a way, how still she lies after spending her whole life running and constantly moving. Perhaps it was always meant to end up this way. Maya Bishop was never more than a cautionary tale. One to tell to broken people who think they can be fixed.
Because that’s the truth, isn’t it?
It was never meant to last. Being captain, having a family, marrying Carina. All the happiness that came into Maya’s life, came just so she could taste it before it was taken away. It doesn’t matter if she had made a different call, if she was never made captain, or she never pushed Carina away. Sooner or later, it would all fall apart.
Maya knows that it’s all her fault, that this was all unavoidable. She knew when she was 12 begging for the clouds. She knew when the station turned their backs on her. She knew when she told Carina she was broken. And she knew when she was scared of being a mother.
So Maya isn’t upset that her life has fallen to ruins. She’s mad at herself for bringing others down with her. If she was never made captain, then Beckett would have never been brought in to replace her. Without Beckett maybe Dean would still be alive. Maybe Andy and Sullivan’s marriage would have lasted.
And she can never forgive herself for what she has done to Carina.
Carina, the most incredible person she has ever known. The woman who breathes kindness. Who isn’t in the habit of fixing broken people, and yet for some reason took a chance on Maya.
Carina, who she has hurt so much, when all Carina has given her has been love.
Maya listens for her wife, but all she can hear is the interns approaching for rounds. All she can hear is Teddy moving them past her room. It makes sense, after she’s ruined everything, that the hospital doesn’t even trust Maya to use her to teach their future doctors. That would just be one more thing for Maya to fuck up. And yet Maya isn’t particularly appreciative at the decision, because they aren’t doing this for her. Maya is stuck in a 5150 hold, her dignity is already gone. It’s not like she will yell or scream at anyone again. She’s tired, and the energy needed to move or talk is too much, too much, too much.
As a kid, she would always wish to be allowed to actually walk around and see the various places that she would visit for track meets. She would beg and beg, push herself harder to try and seek a reward, but Lane never broke. He began pushing her harder every time she’d ask. The ache became a reminder, and she learned to never wish for such things again.
And now? Even just existing feels like too much for her. Maya no longer has any desire to travel and see the world. Not without Carina. No views or sights could ever compare to the perfect vision she lost. No music or birds would ever compete with the sound of Carina’s voice.
Afterall, it’s hard to fall in love with the world when your everything is gone.
And just because she only has herself to blame for pushing that everything away, doesn’t mean it hurts any less. The only place to direct her rage is herself. And so Maya makes sure no more of that rage can ever escape her. She’s already hurt Carina too much in this life. If it means the world is safe from her, Maya will keep her body dormant, and only allow the war to play out in her mind.
Doctors come and go. Teddy and Amelia whisper to each other from the door. Andy brings her phone, and gives up after 15 minutes, saying she has an “important… something”. Nurses bring food in, then take it away when it goes uneaten. The day passes but none of it matters, because Carina isn’t here. She knows she didn’t mean it when she screamed at Carina that they were over if she walked out the door. Maya didn’t think Carina would really leave.
But the second that she did, and Maya was left alone with teddy and a racing heart, the world lost its beauty. There was no more deeper meaning, no reward for playing the game of life. Nothing else mattered anymore. She went from having too much to nothing.
They always say that sleep is the best medicine, but since she woke up she has only been numb. Empty. Nothing. Maybe she never really left the dreamless sleep. Maybe she is still laying amongst the clouds from this morning when she drifted off. Maya wonders how long she can be with the clouds before someone drags her out. Or if anyone even would anymore.
The sun is setting again, which means it’s the perfect time to test it. And so, Maya recloses her eyes and rejoins the comforting bed in the sky.