Loki dumped the third bag of extra-salt, extreme butter microwave popcorn into the largest bowl he could find at the local flea market. He could have gotten a bigger one at the nearest Wal-Mart, he supposed, but where was the fun in that? Utilitarian plastic thing with no soul. Blegh. So instead he had this ceramic bowl the size of a decent pizza, fired by someone who cared from clay from three different regions of Midgard. That was craftsmanship. Loki appreciated craftsmanship. It took a lot of work to be unique, after all.
And thus why he was an avid subscriber to the OfficialAvengers Youtube channel. It had been a decent way to keep up with his favorite enemies’ weaknesses and travels, but since the wacky Darcy Lewis had taken control, the videos were also amusing and entertaining. Loki hadn’t seen Thor in a dress since that time 500 years ago when they’d had to steal Mjolnir back. That video had been last Halloween. This Halloween, the wonderful Darcy Lewis had solicited fan suggestions for the Avengers’ costumes. Loki, who also had an account on Tumblr as news spread faster there than on any official news site—and he had his delightful and entirely unprecedented Loki’s Army there, which of course he just had to tease—had watched the fan discussions with interest. It got downright bloodthirsty at times. He of course had had to look some of the suggestions up, but whatever the spectacular Darcy Lewis chose, it was no doubt to be the highlight of his Midgardian year.
Preparations complete, Loki plonked the popcorn down beside his five cups of hot chocolate, each with their own unique toppings and started up his entertainment system with the wave of a hand. The live stream was going to start any minute now.
The usual opening of wacky moments around the Tower had been replaced by cartoon caricatures of the Avengers with humorous music. Thor had apparently been cast as a large dog. Loki settled further into the cushions of his luxurious couch and grabbed a handful of popcorn. This was going to be fantastic.
“Welcome back, all our lovely minions!” Darcy Lewis proclaimed. She was situated in what Loki thought of as her throne, a ludicrously large wing-backed chair and footstool upholstered in leather that matched her lipstick. Banner and Thor shared a love seat across from her, while the other four sat in the large couch in between. Stark and Romanoff had sandwiched Barton between them. The hawk looked very resigned. “This is the Avengers’ Halloween special! Did y’all like the Scooby-doo opening? Let’s be honest, I screeched like a pterodactyl when I saw it. It is officially my new favorite thing.”
“It had better be,” Stark groused. “I paid a lot of money for that.”
Darcy flapped a hand at him and continued. “As y’all know, I asked for suggestions on Halloween costumes for our gorgeous victims. You guys were way too excited! Seriously, I had like ten thousand suggestions to wade through. So! After many long hours of staring at screens and making tally sheets and losing said tally sheets because of an electrical outage that we will not talk about and having to start over,” Darcy glared pointedly at Thor, who merely smiled, “I have decided on not-your-housekeeper-actually-your-butler’s suggestion of CandyLand.”
Barton threw his head back and groaned.
Loki cackled with glee. That had been one of his top three favorite suggestions—after he had looked up the game and the characters.
“Now I know y’all are wondering which casting I went with, as I saw the bodies on Tumblr. I have chosen the one which I personally find the most hilarious and true-to-life, as we all know that I am the Benevolent Overlord and My Word Is Law, and yes, I will be using movie characters, suck it. I have the costumes right here,” she patted a large steel container stamped with CLASSIFIED beside her, “all sourced from wonderful artisans on etsy. So! Without further ado, let’s have some fun! Thor ma man!” Thor sat to attention. “You’re first. The denizens of Tumblr have decided you are Jolly.”
“I can be on occasion, yes,” Thor said.
“Jolly the character, Thor.” Darcy cracked open the container and deposited a voluminous purple polka-dot costume festooned in ruffles in Thor’s lap. He was hidden behind it nearly completely. That container must be bigger on the inside. “He takes care of the Gumdrop Mountains, and since you’re a space Viking, and Vikings live in mountainous areas, viola! Besides, as you said, you’re jolly! Brucie!” The Avengers on the couch snickered as Banner beat Thor’s costume down to be able to see Darcy. “For obvious reasons, you are Plumpy the Last of the Plumba Trolls.” She dumped a furry green costume of a size to rival Thor’s into the man’s lap. Now the two men were near entirely covered by the unfolding costumes. Only their toes were visible. Stark and Barton were outright laughing now.
“Steve!” The man eyed her apprehensively. “You have been dubbed Jib.” Darcy handed him a man-sized gingerbread man costume.
“Who the hell is Jib?” Stark asked. “I’m positive that character was never on any of the game boards.”
“That’s ‘cause he was only in the movie,” Darcy said primly.
“Wait, they made a movie? Barton demanded.
“Mmhmm. Jib is the main character. He’s a little gingerbread boy who’s supposed to bring some of his momma’s frosting to the king. He’s also a worrywart.”
“I don’t—”
“Yes, you do,” the rest of the Avengers chorused, even the two behind their costumes.
Romanoff patted his knee. “You’re the mother hen. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, it’s a very important role. We just happen to ignore you.”
“If you don’t like that,” Darcy offered, “he’s also the one traveling through lands he’s never been to before, kinda like your whole out-of-time shtick. And if you don’t like that, Benevolent Overlord. Nat-my-favorite-person-after-Jane.”
“Yes, O Overlord?”
Darcy pulled out a giant scepter with a plastic snowflake the width of her face stuck on the top and solemnly knighted Romanoff with it. “I proclaim thee Queen Frostine.” Romanoff accepted her costume of sparkly white skirts with a Solemn and Regal Nod.
“Clint!” Darcy demanded. “Are you going to accept your fate like a good Avenger?”
“Depends,” Barton said, giving her the stink eye. The fabulous Darcy Lewis had had Barton do many things over the 200 videos since she had pulled her coup d’etat, and the hawk had only liked five of them, as evidenced by his not attempting to escape through the ceiling vents.
“Would I trick you?” Darcy asked. “Don’t answer that. Fear not, you get to be Mr. Mint.” She dumped a very stripy costume on his lap, plopping a baggy stripy cap on top of it.
“And you, Starkster.” Stark, who had begun to fidget by Captain Rogers and outright frown by Barton, turned a beatific smile on Darcy, complete with eye lash flutters. “I’ve saved the best for last, of course.” She produced a yellow gown and crown of lollipops. “You are Princess Lolly!”
“What?”
“She’s a princess! Lots of money, lives in a castle, loves sweet things—”
“Why couldn’t I be King Kady?” Stark demanded.
“Because this is more fun.”
Loki nodded at the screen. Obviously.
“Really?” Barton asked. He was holding a red rubber nose out to Darcy with a look Loki had seen on many Midgardian teenage girls.
“What?” Darcy asked. “Mr. Mint has a red nose. It’s part of his charm.”
Banner and Thor still had yet to unearth themselves from their costumes. Thor appeared to have actually gotten himself tangled in his.
“I am not wearing this on Youtube,” Star declared. “People will have pictures of it everywhere. Nicky-poo will never take me seriously again.”
“He doesn’t,” Romanoff said. She had already crowned herself and was shaking out the folds of her gown.
“I’m with Stark on this one,” Barton said, fobbing his costume off on said billionaire. “I’m not wearing it.”
“Don’t you dare!” Loki shouted, tossing his current handful of popcorn at the screen. He teleported himself into their studio and glared at Barton. “I’ve waited all year for this. Put it on.”
The Avengers and Overlord stared at him, speechless. Behind his costume, Thor shouted, “Brother!”
Barton produced a bow from…somewhere and aimed an arrow at him. “I don’t want to shoot you on Youtube, Rudolf, but they’ve shown footage of me shooting things on the news so if I have to, I will. Now what the hell are you doing here?”
He was also obviously making no move to put his costume on. The rest of the Avengers had summarily forgotten about their own, so Loki took matters into his own hands and magicked them into them. “Much better,” he said as Stark squawked. He then magicked up his own costume. “And obviously I shall be Lord Licorice.”
Darcy blinked at him from behind her throne. “Obviously?”
“Why do you even know this game?” Stark demanded.
Loki cackled ominously, going so far as to twirl his mustache.
Barton evidently decided that he had enough and made good on his threat, shooting Loki right in his eye. Fortunately it was only with a candy cane, not a real arrow, so Loki was only mildly annoyed, and any young children watching this would not be thoroughly traumatized. Barton stared at the candy cane as it fell and bounced on the floor, then checked his quiver. Full of candy canes, with the exploding heads exchanged for gusher candies. He scowled fiercely but kept shooting with them as he had nothing better in the room.
“Brother!” Thor shouted again, waddling forward in his purple costume, “what is—”
Loki deflected an ‘exploding’ arrow into his mouth. Thor made some gagging noises and tried to bring his hands around to his face but the costume wouldn’t let him. Loki giggled, making sure to do it on camera. In two hours there should be gifs of that all over Tumblr.
Banner started scuttling to a quiet corner as fast as his costume would allow—which wasn’t incredibly fast—when the doors banged open and Fury, flanked by his loyal shadow, stormed in. Loki trapped their legs in some licorice ropes, but let Banner scurry out. “Director, how wonderful for you to join us! You will be King Kandy.” Loki magicked up the fluffiest pink hair and beard he could, swamping Fury’s face in the stuff. Muted swearing could be heard from within it as the man started swatting at it with his free hand. “And you, Agent Coulson…” Loki quirked his head to the side, considering. There were two obvious choices, but which was funnier? “You two,” he said, pointing at Barton and Romanoff, “Mama Gingertree or Grandma Nutt?”
Barton just sputtered but Romanoff actually looked considering. “You could do Mama Gingertree to match Steve,” she said, “but that joke has been beat to death by now. Grandma Nutt.”’
Coulson found himself in a poofy blue dress, ruffled bonnet, and clown-like red curls.
“Nat!” Barton shouted. “What the hell are you doing?”
She shrugged then went for Loki with her scepter. He caught it in a lasso of licorice and proceeded to flounce around the room, covering everything in sheets and ropes of licorice, chased by Romanoff and Rogers while Barton and Coulson attempted to shoot him with candy canes and peanuts. Stark hid behind the couch howling about his electronics all being turned into lollipops, while Thor waddled about, trying to catch up to Loki.
It was the waddling that did Darcy in. She purloined the camera and collapsed into her throne, laughing her head off. “Well,” she wheezed, “this was certainly not how I expected this live-stream to go, but I’ll take it. Oh god this is the best job ever. Oh but I am going to wrap this up before it becomes anything close to serious. Oh my god, Thor, stop, I can’t—” She guffawed a bit more before catching her breath. “Gi-give us a thumbs up if you like what you see and don’t forget to subscribe, if we’re even still allowed to make videos after this. Toodles!”
~*~
CandyLand sales skyrocketed that holiday season, and all Stark Industry’s New York stores and offices were reported to have free candy for customers and employees through Christmas. And that was with a good portion already donated to food shelters. OfficialAvengers gained a hundred thousand subscribers from that live-stream—but Loki’s Army gained a million.