New Starts
Maria remembers it, all of it. Seeing the passengers from the other car turn to dust, the helicopter spinning out of control, and then her own hand started to turn. She remembers saying ‘Nick’ but her thoughts had been of Natasha. Natasha who is now sitting right next to her again, but so much has changed and she doesn’t know if they can get back to what they had. She doesn’t know if it’s because of everything they’ve seen, that they lost not only each other, but the battle for the world. A lot has happened. She’s different, they both are, and she knows Nat feels it too. She’s brought out of her thoughts when Natasha nudges her foot.
“Something happen?” Maria looks at her in confusion as she sets her tablet aside. “You have an expression that I normally see on Director Hill, not you.” Those words have it tumbling out.
“I never wanted you to have to go through that. I thought… I always thought that if it happened, it would be me. That I would hear over comms that you had fallen. I’d feel everyone on the bridge looking at me, wondering if I could continue, and at that moment I wouldn’t be sure.” Natasha catches up to her train of thought fast and sits up straighter, putting a hand on her knee. Maria reaches out and takes her hand so quickly it startles her and she sees Natasha jump slightly. “You’ve lost so much, over and over, and I’ve hurt you before–”
“Because of the job, Maria. I didn’t like it, but I understood.” Maria is still ashamed for not telling Natasha that Nick was alive back then.
“--but I never… I never wanted you to go through that. If you had to, I wanted to be there for you.” Her hand shakes slightly as her thoughts go to how she got Natasha back. “Steve had really hard cheek bones.” Natasha blinks at her trying to follow.
“What?” She’s told Natasha what she did to get her back. It was the first thing Natasha asked when she woke up. What was the cost? She’d always left out this part though.
“Steve wanted to put all the stones in their original locations in the past. But I needed you back. I couldn’t… He didn’t want to give it to me. Said something like preventing it all from ever happening again was more important.” She sighs. “And I saw red and lost it. We’ve put the world- the universe, ours and others, before ourselves so many times. Sharon was still somewhere living with the label of a war criminal for helping him. Steve went to her father’s funeral because it would have meant a lot to Peggy, but her niece got dumped over the phone and he never tried to get her cleared of the charges. Twelve years with everyone she fought to protect, help, and save turning their back on her. It felt like he was doing the same to me. To you! You, who found your family again after so many years. Who willingly sacrificed yourself to bring everyone back.” Maria shakes her head. She remembers the first punch. She knows that Rhodey and Clint pulled her off him and that Pepper and Wanda led her away. The rest of it is a blur really, but she also remembers the edges of the Soul Stone digging into her hand. Natasha squeezes her hand and rests her head on her shoulder.
It never felt like it at the time, but things were simpler before. Despite all the near deaths and times they’d kept going by sheer force of will, nothing had prepared them for what had happened. She’d been dusted or blipped, whatever it was called, but it wasn’t quite a death. She always thought she’d go down in a fight. Not necessarily that she’d see it coming, but she would be a casualty. That was still sort of the case, but she’d never got a chance to fight back herself. That’s one thing she and Natasha disagreed on.
Natasha knew she’d been with Nick, which meant she had boots on the ground, just behind the scenes. Fighting the battle on another front and coordinating their win. But they hadn’t won. One of the first things she noticed when she had Natasha back, even before she woke up, was the blonde hair in her braid. The hair was almost white in color, but she remembered that when she last saw Natasha, it had all been that color. Five long years had her going back to being a red head and a braid that was over a foot long. So many things have changed. They had each other to lean on again, but it was different.
“I feel it too,” says Natasha softly. Natasha’s told her a little about how things were. Steve leading a group on moving on. Things being rocky between Steve and Tony. Collaborating and getting emails from a raccoon. There was a night where she broke down and told her about losing it with Liho for shedding on her pillow. Sleepless nights spent wondering what happened to Yelena, Melina, and Alexei. Wondering if she’d been scared when it happened. There are still times where Natasha’s arms wrap around her so tightly it almost hurts. Maria never complains though because it’s just another reminder that Natasha is really with her. “Maybe things can’t go back to how they were.” Maria’s heart clenches and her breath stops in her chest. “Maybe we have to start something new.” It takes a moment, but her heart starts beating again and she takes a deep breath. “It doesn’t mean losing what we had, but we’re different. Everything is. We’ve changed, not just because of the Blip, but from who we were when we first got together.”
That has Maria looking away so she can roll her eyes, her lips twitching as she tries to fight a smile. She shouldn’t, but she can’t help herself.
“And when was that again?” Natasha shakes her head. They’ve never agreed on this either.
“Head injuries can affect memory, Maria. You’ve gotten sloppy and taken more than a few blows over the years” says Natasha in that matter of fact tone of hers, but she can hear that teasing lilt. Natasha draws the back of a finger down her cheek and it has her smile breaking through.
“How many times have you been hit, thrown by an explosion, or fallen from something? If anyone’s sustained significant cranial trauma, it’s you.”
“I might believe you if you hadn’t just reverted to Director Hill jargon.” Maria narrows her eyes and looks at her. Her red haired girlfriend is wearing that insufferable smirk of hers.
“How is being scientifically accurate considered jargon?” Natasha reaches across her for the tablet on the coffee table.
“I can pull up your medical records. Give you a look for yourself” Maria wraps her arms around the Black Widow and before she can pick it up and pulls her to her. Natasha laughs and she chuckles. They sit there comfortably for a while, Natasha moving so that she can snuggle into her shoulder. For some reason a specific memory comes to mind.
“Do you remember that first party we went to together?” she murmurs next to Natasha’s ear.
“Yeah, it was one of Stark’s bashes.”
“I was nervous.”
“About being seen with me?”
“Yes. No. The other way around. Photos usually wound up in the paper somehow, despite Pepper’s best efforts. I was worried about what would happen to you.” Natasha shifts on her lap to be able to see her better. “Jasper Sitwell, even if he hadn’t been HYDRA, was exactly the type of person to bring up my objectivity if he’d known. He did once after seeing us have lunch alone together on the carrier. Can’t remember his exact words, but he made sure to say it in front of Nick.”
“What did Nick say?” Maria smirks.
“To tell him if I ever beat you at chess.” It takes her a minute to get back on track. “The world had nearly been invaded and aliens had come from a wormhole… The Avengers worked together and saved the world and almost a year later there were still those that questioned your loyalty. I knew that wasn’t limited to just SHIELD agents.” Natasha knows that too.
“Did you ever question it?”
“No. When I found you–”
“You found?” Maria rolls her eyes.
“What, you thought that bird brain tracked you down? He was too busy trying to keep up with SHIELD agent girlfriend.” Natasha smirks.
“Laura’s always been a few steps ahead. Especially when it comes to Clint.”
“When Nick pulled me off assignment in Madripoor, I was tasked with tracking you down. Took a while, but it only would have happened if you wanted us to find you. The question was if you were drawing us into a trap. I didn’t think so. Then you went through every hoop Nick and the council threw at you. Even did that final test, but I knew before that.”
“How?” asks Natasha so softly she almost misses it.
“Because you came to us. You knew the kind of life and work you were signing up for. Yes, if you walked away, SHIELD would hunt you down, but you’d been living that way for so long already. Working with us was your choice.” Nat takes that in and then settles against her. “I was also nervous. You looked amazing in your dress” she continues.
“You didn’t look too bad yourself.”
“That was Sharon’s doing. She took me shopping.”
“Remind me to send her a thank you.” Maria chuckles.
“She talked me into spending almost three months' salary on that dress.”
“Very worth it. And it’s not like you were going to spend your money on anything else.” That’s true. During her time as deputy director, she rented a shoebox sized apartment she barely ever saw and a few storage units around the city. There was always another crisis and more than a few on the horizon that they could hopefully stop before they started.
“I wanted to keep you to myself a little while longer.” Maria remembers. They’d been approaching the door and it had started to snow. Natasha spun towards her with a nervous smile.
“I don’t want to go up. Is it okay if we go somewhere else?”
Natasha sighs.
“Things are always going to be complicated. There’s always going to be a threat out there” says Natasha.
It’s going to take time to get used the way things are now. Nick once told her that there was no shame in walking away when the steps are uncertain. After getting dusted and then coming back and learning she’d lost Natasha, it had been too much. She also knew when Nick told her that so many years ago, he’d been hoping she’d need a minute to regroup before she came back. More than a handful of near disasters later, she can’t help thinking that she’s more than served her time at her post.
She’d been expecting telling Nick to be harder, but he’d understood. Everything had taken a toll on him too. He’d given her a new position. There was no such thing as retirement for people like them. Now she’ll keep her ear to the ground for new threats and an eye out for potential recruits. She tightens her hold on Natasha’s waist.
“Where do you want to go next?” Natasha turns her head to gaze out the window.
“Tired of Morocco already?”
“Not really, but I am feeling a little antsy.” Natasha tilts her head back and Maria places a kiss on the side of her exposed neck.
“Well, I’ve never done the whole tourist thing.” Maria smirks, sensing a postcard or snow globe collection in their future. Either theirs or sent as gifts to Morgan. “What do you think of Hawaii for a while?”
“Sounds good.”