Best Kept Secret
Honesty is tricky in their line of work. As Director Fury’s second, there were all sorts of things she knew about, but had to keep to herself. When shit hit the fan though, it always felt like she didn’t know nearly enough. It was also an issue between her and Natasha.
It became a real issue when HYDRA revealed itself and Nick faked his death. He’d kept Natasha out of the circle. She thought it was the wrong call, but he’d believed that while Natasha was good, they’d need her real reaction to sell it. She’d known that Natasha would want to see him first, but once she did, she looked over at her. Maria almost reeled back at the cold look of betrayal. With the INSIGHT program still operational, they had other priorities to take care of, but afterwards Natasha wouldn’t give her a chance to explain. She never really knew how to anyway. How to explain that Nick nearly did die. That she’d always had faith in Natasha. Natasha eventually did let her speak. She gave her all of one minute.
“I always knew I could trust you, but Nick had his reasons.”
Natasha knew Nick Fury well enough to know that was true. Maria told her everything else she knew and when she knew it. The month and a half that Natasha wouldn’t even look at her unless it was related to work was something she never wanted to experience again.
This might be the one exception though. The one time where keeping what she knows to herself is the smart call.
There are things Natasha hasn’t told her. Her past, things she did even after leaving Red Room, Natasha thinks that knowing those details would change how she feels about her. It wouldn’t. Working at SHIELD, she has a number of regrets. Instances where she couldn’t intervene, where she’s left people behind, where she had to give the order that left someone to die. That person had been Natasha more than once. She can’t cling to something like orders or regulations as an excuse because the call had been hers to make.
This isn’t that kind of secret though.
The last thing she remembered was her arm starting to turn to dust and looking over at Nick. The second she was back, she was on duty. Things were in chaos. The fact that she’d been turned to dust and five years had past would have to be processed later. She and Nick scrambled to get on top of the situation and coordinate things. Tony loved to tease that whoever took her place would never live up to her standards and she finds that’s true as she tries to catch up. People were talking about what had happened in the fight against Thanos, but she tuned all that out. It would be days before she’d hear that Tony Stark and Natasha had sacrificed themselves to bring everyone back.
The first minute she gets to herself, she goes searching for a spare set of clothes. She’s been wearing the same clothes for half a decade, even if it didn’t feel like it. Her office is still there, but the guy currently using it stammers that her stuff is storage. It has her wondering where else she might have clothes stashed. The Avengers compound had been destroyed in the fight, but there’s one other place she knows.
When Natasha went undercover at Stark Industries, a brownstone had been listed as Natalie Rushman’s place of residence. After the assignment, she asked if she could buy it. It would be years before Maria would be invited to move in, but it became their home.
Walking into their home, she sees things scattered everywhere. That’s typical of them, either they’re in a rush on their way out, or too glad to be in their own personal refuge from the chaos to care. Glancing in the kitchen, she sees rinsed plastic jars, the labels had gotten wet, but they’re clearly peanut butter and jelly jars.
Moving upstairs to their bedroom, she turns on the light. The bed has been slept in. She tries not to think of Natasha being here alone. Moving onto the dresser, she pulls up the drawers only to find all her shirts missing. It takes her all of a second to realize why. Natasha had a habit of stealing her things. They’d be big on her, but everyone knew better than to comment on it. Thor had learned that lesson the hard way. She’s pushing those thoughts away when something brushes against her leg. Looking down, she finds Liho nuzzling and walking around her legs.
“Hey! Where’d you come from?” she asks softly as she picks her up. Liho nuzzles her neck and purrs loudly. There’s a gentle knock on the open bedroom door, but Maria keeps her focus on Liho.
“Rhodey said you were headed here,” Pepper says gently.
“I don’t have any clothes. Might have a pair of jeans still here, but all my shirts…”
“We can fix that. Why don’t you pack what you need and we’ll figure the rest out?” It takes a minute for her to process what Pepper is suggesting, but she’s probably right. She can’t stay here. It’s still their home, but it’s full of Natasha’s grief. She’d want privacy before letting all her walls fall. The only thing she can add now is her own grief.
It doesn’t take long for her to pack things. She grabs the essentials and a handful of other things. She pulls on the leather jacket Natasha had made for her. She smirks as she remembers that it was the first gift Nat got her that wasn’t a weapon or tourist trinket. Natasha would reveal later that her eye would initially be drawn to something more personal, a scarf that she thought suited her or a necklace that would bring out her eyes, but she’d over think it and settle for something else. Something more neutral. She doesn’t realize she’s crying until one of her tears makes her cheek itch.
She goes back downstairs with a duffle. She idly remembers that a duffle is more or less all she’d brought with her when she moved into the brownstone. Pepper’s waiting for her on the couch. She doesn’t know what else to take, not because none of it’s special, but because all of it is. Every book and piece of furniture in their home was brought there by one of them. It caught their eye, was something they wanted to get to, or was special to them. Having a place where they could keep things, personal things, memories, was something neither of them really had before. Their lives took them all over the world, but there wasn’t room for anything personal. Not much anyway. An office, a locker, small generic quarters with a bunk and the basics. That had been her life since she was eighteen and joined the Army.
She remembers her Dad’s drunken rampages where he tore apart her room, ripping things apart, looking for anything. Neither of them had any childhood mementos, but it didn’t mean there weren’t things they wanted to remember. She told Natasha once that she’d gotten an award in high school once, she still couldn’t remember what for, but her dad had thrown it against a wall and it broke. Cheap and mass produced, it didn’t take much, so it didn’t stand a chance when he hurled it at a wall. Honestly, she doesn’t really remember telling Nat that story, but she’d come back from visiting Laura and the kids on the farm. Nat told her she and the kids went by a bunch of yard sales. Then the red head placed a bowling trophy on the bookcase, muttering something about it being a stand-in for the one she’d had in high school. Maria shakes her head and sits down heavily on the other end of the couch.
“You’ll be back. Just… not now” says Pepper softly. Maria nods absently. Pepper usually knows best.
“How are you doing?” she asks just as softly.
“He’s everywhere. Office, home, the cabin. Morgan doesn’t really understand. She will later, but right now, with everyone telling stories about him, such vivid memories, it’s almost like he’s still here. I was there, but I still catch myself looking at doorways, thinking he’s about to come walking in. I don’t know what I’ll do when everyone leaves. He had such a large presence and without him everything feels… more than empty. Hollow.” Maria smirks slightly.
“Nat was…. I think she was used to not taking up room. Growing up and being trained to be there one second and gone the next, leaving no trace behind. But if she wanted you to know she was there, she did. Not… Not in a work way. She’d come back here and there’d be socks on the floor, plates in the sink, mess made on purpose. I’d make it as far as here and sit for a minute and then I’d have her feet in my lap. Or Liho.”
The black cat hasn’t left her side. Liho had been a stray. When Maria first met the cat, Natasha explained that she and the feline had an agreement. That she wasn’t a pet. Over a decade later and the cat now lives with them.
“Who’s been taking care of Liho?”
“Nat had for the most part. Before they… She wanted her safe and away from the battle, so Morgan’s been looking after her.” Maria swallows hard and nods. “You’ll come back.” Maria nods again. She’s trying to find the energy to get up when Liho vaults onto the bookcase next to the tv. The cat walks down the shelf and knocks over a couple of books and one of the cheap bookends Natasha picked up in DC. Getting up, Maria grabs the fallen items, but as she goes to place the bookend back, she finds the bottom loose. Moving the rectangular plastic base aside, she shakes the bookend and hears something bumping inside. Turning it over, she dumps the contents into her open hand. She stares at it for a long moment, but it doesn’t make sense.
“Maria?” She hears Pepper get up behind her. Pepper will make sense of this, but when she doesn’t say anything, Maria looks at her in confusion. “She loved you, Maria.”
Maria knows that, but the small red felt ring box doesn’t make sense, not for people like them. She still remembers when Natasha thought love was for children. This is… This would be… Holding the box between her hands, she realizes it doesn’t matter. It’s a sign of how much Nat loved her, but she isn’t here anymore. She doesn’t open it. Tucking it back in the bookend, she carefully places it on the shelf. She raises an eyebrow at Liho and can’t help wondering if she’d knocked it over on purpose.
They’re in Braga at the moment, taking their time, their trip taking them towards a low level oddity that needs verification. It might be some time before they’re back at their New York brownstone, where the ring box sits inside a cheap bookend. It’s part of what had her going all the way to Vormir to get her back. Maybe she was being selfish, but Natasha loved her just as much. It feels excessively sappy to say that not everyone finds love in life, but it’s especially hard for people like them. Just knowing it’s there is enough.
Natasha pads over to the bed and flops down, laying her head in her lap. Maria runs her fingers through her red hair and Nat smiles up at her. This is more than she ever thought she’d have. The ring will still be there.