Neglected Happiness

It took time. For Bucky and Steve to stop crying. To at least try and not release tears. They spent most of their time together whether it was in a cafe eating brunch or just at home snuggled in bed. They didn't make love, despite the intimacy. Sometimes Steve would put a hand on Bucky's thigh, but not in a sexual way, more in a comforting way and proof to show that he's real. That this life is real.

Almost two weeks later, Steve was still in bed coughing until he was choking. Bucky didn't know what was wrong. But Bruce...he did. He knew why Steve was too sick to even move as much. Why his scent was so off it made Bucky wonder what the fuck was happening. He came back after his second day back at work and found Steve still asleep in bed, frail body smelling familiar...almost like their daughter's. Bucky dropped his brown bag to the side at the door, hair out and hanging as he rushes over to his husbands side. He doesn't wake him up, just solely watches over him, those white lips partly opened as Steve releases small breaths.

You'll be fine baby. I promise. With one last small smile that erupts over Bucky's face he turns and walks over to the drawer with a picture of Peggy, their Princess, and lifts up the wooden frame with his prosthetic.

"Have you been watching over your daddy? Make sure he's okay for me when I'm gone Princess." Bucky whispers, idly running a thumb over the wood then resting the picture back down. For the first time he turns around and instead of staring at Steve, looks around the room. Eyes exploring the small ornaments on book shelves and art supplies in the most random of places. Small, circle roof-lights dim and grey automatic blinds halfway over the windows beaming with evening sunlight. The room is a comforting, yet at the same time terrifying dark. It scares Bucky seeing his husband resting in such a saddening state with the darkness overcoming the both of them like this.

What scares him even more is that the only sound that can be heard is the heart-rate monitor connected to Steve, small jumps and beeps at a reasonable pace sending Bucky over the edge each time. At any second, any moment, the line can flatten. As much as it helps telling him how Steve is doing, Bucky fears the worst and doesn't want to be notified when his husband has finally let go of his last thread of life.

"Buck?" Steve's eyelids flutter open, cheeks hollowing as he opens his mouth. Bucky jolts himself out of his own thoughts and smiles, a fake one arising, and Steve can see straight through it.

"What's wrong Bucky?"

"It's nothing doll. Don't worry about it. Just get some rest." Bucky shakes his head in dismissal, walking over to the edge of the bed and taking his husbands hand.

"You came back from work?" Steve doesn't want to sleep. Catch up on rest and close his eyes. He wants to talk to Bucky about anything and everything.

"Yeah. Just finished. How long have you been asleep for?"

"Since you left this morning. Can't even bring myself to wake up these days. It's a bunch of crap." Steve smirks, the clear nasal tubes shifting around over his lips. His voice sounds as if his very voice box is decaying from his body, like it's starting to turn to dust.

"Even crappier that I can't kiss you, huh?" Bucky gently chuckles.

"Hell yeah. Can't even catch a moment where I can touch you again. All over. Lips. Fingers...everything." Steve sighs, coughing up so much he has to lean forward and grab onto his chest. His face scrunches painfully and he leans back as Bucky runs a finger down his cheek.

"Don't worry baby. We'll get through this. Everything is going to be fine. Now sleep. You need to rest." Bucky smiles seeing Steve try and fight the force of deprivation but still starts to yawn again and close his eyes. When his Omega is finally asleep, he stands up and starts walking around the floor making himself food before seeing Bruce. They don't converse much of anything. They discuss Steve's problems but Bruce doesn't reveal anything else. It's Steve orders. Not to tell Bucky about his sickness. Steve wants it to be quiet until he can figure out things. He's asked Natasha about several things like funeral insurance, therapy sessions, maybe even something to help Bucky pass with a loss that may occur sooner or later.

*****

Steve wakes up in the morning, chest tight as he starts to lift himself up with his elbows. He accidentally awakens his husband snoring beside him and Bucky is immediately 100% alert, eyes wide and groggy feeling now disappeared.

"Stevie? Are you okay?" He asks sitting up, rubbing Steve's back.

"Y-Yeah I'm just...just struggling a bit. I'll be fine. Go back to sleep Buck."

"Mr Rogers, I'd like to notify that your recovery from your illness has slowed down by another 12% and I advise you to contact Dr Banner as soon as possible." Friday is suddenly alert as well, informing Steve (and Bucky, shit.) about his illness. Bucky's ears perk up and he almost falls off the bed.

"What?! What illness?!"

"Bucky it's nothing!" Steve tries to shout but his voice shrivels into a painful rasp. Bucky shakes his head and grabs at his Omega's hand. "Baby what is going on? What the fuck is happening to you?!" He shouts tears out, face red with pain as his messy hair falls over his face. He cries, squeezing Steve's hand.

"Please, please baby...what's going on? Why aren't you better? Why are you still sick? Stevie please...tell me why you've only gotten worse." Bucky is finally crying after two weeks of recovering from losing Peggy, and all the pain he's endured, bottled up from seeing his husband in bed like this is finally spilling out in the worst way possible. He's a mess, kneeling at the bed after climbing off it and caressing Steve's bony and pale hands.

Steve sobs but shakes his head. I can't tell you Bucky.

"I'm sorry I..." His voice trembles with every word.

Bucky turns to his last resort, looking up to the roof. "Friday, what's wrong with Stevie?"

It takes a few moments but Friday responds after a small beep. "Mr Rogers has been diagnosed with HIV due to an infection involving the miscarriage of your child, Mr Barnes."

Bucky's heart stops. Again. After so many times. He stares at Steve, his breath starting to stutter as it gets caught in his throat. Steve shakes his head with more tears falling down his face and Bucky shoots up onto his feet.

"Buck..."

"Stevie...Stevie....baby....why?" There it is. The breakdown. His voice finally gives way as he drops back down onto his knee's and cradles his head in his cupped hands. Sobs scratch at his throat. Pain strikes at his every muscle and bone.

"Bucky. Please, it's going to be-"

"Going to be what, Steven?!" That's when the Alpha comes onto his feet again, face beet red with puffy, watery eyes as he stares broken at Steve. Bucky can't lose his last star. He can't not. Not Steve.

"Buck, calm down. Please." Steve is just as upset. He always has been since the day he figured out he's having a baby. Because he understood the hardships that were to come, and this is one of the hardest ones yet. He leans up against the headboard staring at Bucky who's on the verge of that type of breakdown. And the both of them know that they can't have that right now.

Before all of this, the marriage, the baby, the relationship, even the meeting, Bucky went through a traumatic time. He experienced severe abuse from his parents. Especially the father. Couldn't acknowledge how much Bucky looked like his mother, and for 6 years the yelling and throwing and kicking and hitting was there. Then when his parents passed, a wave of relief had washed Bucky but...who feels that towards their own parents? Especially parents who had committed suicide on a bridge. It scared Bucky, a bit. That he felt no remorse for such abusive parents, instead feeling like a big weight had been lifted from his chest.

Then came his uncle Alexander. Fuck, his uncle. The fucker that raped Bucky until he was fifteen. The fucker that told Bucky he'll always be a slave for sex. The fucker that put Bucky in a child sex ring when he was 7. The fucker that brainwashed Bucky into becoming an obedient child prostitute and entertainer. The fucker that Bucky happily left when deciding to serve in the military. Then he came back, arm blown off and replaced with a prosthetic. Bucky didn't want to settle in just yet so decided to find a part time job with his room mate, Brock. They met after their last tours and worked together for some time.

Bucky will admit, he looked good when he was younger, clean shaven and hair neatly slicked back. But realising that he's already copped a fellow, Bucky couldn't care less about his appearance. There was something about his younger 20's where he was your typical Alpha that was drinking after missing the happy-go-lucky childhood and serving the country. Until coming upon Steven Grant Rogers, Bucky was considering that maybe life would be better...without it. Bucky Barnes was a suicidal guy after experiencing not only abuse his whole life but the dangers of war. Watching people mourn over their dead families, killing children who were suicide bombers, sitting for hours, days on end with a sniper pointed directly at that door, waiting for the next person to walk out. It has been a busy life. And Bucky couldn't have cared less if someone were to take it.

Then meeting Steve, his world was flipped around. For once he was happy, smiling from ear to ear and laughing like an idiot. Hell, Bucky even got to learn to cook since feeling happier with life. Because he only bothered to get takeaway before. They went on all sorts of trips together like skiing and group trips with everyone from Stark Industries. Then they fell in love, not hesitating to flaunt their fondness over each other. Steve saved Bucky. He walked into Bucky's life and saved him from the demons watching from afar. They've disappeared.

And now that Steve's sick, Bucky doesn't know what to do.

"Buck, please." Steve sighs, tears leaking from his blue eyes. His face scrunches in an agonising way as he shakes his head and Bucky sinks lnto his knee's then takes Steve's hand, his thumb circling the poking knuckles.

"It's fine Stevie. It's okay. I'm not angry at you. I never will be. I just...I just freaked out. But I promise Steve that we will get through all this. I promise." He does his best to smile up at the Omega, still circling the bony knuckles. Steve nods, wiping his tears away with the sleeve of Bucky's hoodie he's wearing, and a small smile cracks on his lips.

"Okay."

"You don't gotta worry doll. I'm here for you."

They stay just like that, staring at each other as Bucky lets his emotions calm down. He doesn't want to cry or lash out or break something again. He just wants to rest and show Steve that everything is fine, and it will be. Eventually.

*****

That same night Clint and the others come up to their floor with a mass amount of food, wrapped dishes of meat and salads and so many other things. They surprise the couple and luckily, the two are happy to see and smell such delicious food from all the way down in the hallway.

Bucky comes out of the room first seeing everyone unwrap the tinfoil off the plates and bowls, revealing a variety of colourful foods. "Hey, hey! Who brought the turkey around!" He cheers wrapping an arm around Sam's and Thor's shoulders. Everyone chuckles.

"My wife. She's back in town and decided to cook for you guys but, mainly Steve. She understands how stressful it can be after an unsucessful birth." Clint purses his lips together as he opens a bottle of champagne and pours a few drinks. Then the elevator dings again and his wife and children come in all laughing together.

"Oh, speak of the devil." Clint runs over to his family hugging them then guiding them all towards the filled table.

"I'll bring in Steve then." Bucky excuses himself as he rushes back into the room and see's Steve still in bed trying to get himself up despite all the equipment he's hooked up to. The wheelchair is pulled out from the corner of the room and after dressing his Omega, Bucky takes them both back into the dining room and everyone cheers with a raised glass.

"Steve, good seing you again man." Sam pats his friends shoulder with a fond smile before handing him a glass of water.

Tony stands up, lightly hitting a spoon at the tip of the champagne glass. "Well everyone, I know this dinner occurred at such a short notice but I would like to thank Laura for creating these magnificent dishes." He announces and everyone nods turning to Clint's wife.

"Thank you Laura." They all sing in harmony with big grins. She shies away behind Clint's shoulder and with one last toast the eating begins, people arguing over the wishbone of the chicken and the cucumbers in the salad. The night stays lively as some sit at the minibar, a few on the sofa's watching tv and Thor and Wanda competing over the biggest turkey sandwich. Steve stays beside Bucky in the wheelchair, nibbling on his roasted vegetables and two slices of turkey while watching tv. The two are basically stuck together the entire night until while no one is watching them, Steve asks Bucky to go outside onto the balcony.

They retreat from the small party, both quiet while staring out at the lit up city. It's beautiful from such a distance, especially with such a cool breeze blowing directly towards them. And the blanket of snow layering the buildings, white dots falling from above.

"Are you enjoying yourself, Steve?"

"Yeah! Yeah...of course I am Buck. I'm just kind of confused. Like, why-"

"Why the sudden party?" Bucky interrupts, still staring forward at the city with his hair blowing everywhere.

"...Yeah."

"I guess I missed getting to take you to restaurants and that. You're geting sick and all so I thought maybe you would enjoy getting back into the whole livliness thing. Maybe not?" He finaly turns to Steve, expression unreadable.

"What? No! No, I love it Buck!" He shakes his head, panicking. Then he sighs and leans back into his wheelchair. "Eating with everyone again. Feels like I'm not even sick anymore. It's just...I feel bad making everyone worry so much. No one's going on anymore missions ever since Peggy passed away and always come up to check on me. Even Tony does, and we all know how busy he is."

Bucky breathes in then crouches down so he's at eye-level with Steve, holding his fragily hand. "Stevie, baby, don't ever feel bad. They're choosing to do this, you're not making them. Whatever happens they're here for you. We're here for you, okay?"

Steve doesn't respond, instead nodding gently before leaning forward and into Bucky's shoulder. They stay outside for only a few moments until going back inside, joining the lively group of people all joking and laughing. Throughout the night, Thor, of all people, keeps a close eye on Steve. He watches his every move to make sure that the Omega amidst Beta's and Alpha's is okay, and nit in pain for at least a second. Until it's during a card game.

It's late at night and Laura decided to go back home with the two children, while the adults stay at the Tower (as always) and continue the party without her. Everyone has thrown in a few notes and coins and are all laughing as Steve stays planted in his wheelchair, nasal tubes shifting from his small chuckles. The loud, overcoming noise of laughter erupts over the entire living room after Sam loses during such a cocky move, and Steve's smile has suddenly dropped. For the few moments Thor doesn't realise, he looks back up at Steve and see's the Omega clutching onto his thinning chest and stomach. Thor is immediately on his feet and running over to Steve across the living room.

"Steven, are you alright?" He asks, bending down. By that simple phrase the group is no longer focused on the game, and instead all eyes are on Steve.

"Y-Yeah...I'm uh...I'm fine..." The blond stutters with his eyes squeezed shut.

"Mr Rogers, I advise you to rest now. You're body is currently experiencing an overwhelming excess amount of pain and you are nauseous." Jarvis speaks over. Bucky shots up from his seat and starts to guide Steve back to their bedroom, all waving goodnight to each other. The game doesn't go on for too long after Wanda realises they're probably too loud, and so everyone else escapes the floor back into the main living room with more bottles of alcohol. Bucky on the other hand, stays beside his husband, whispering sweet words as he gently dabs a damp cloth over Steve's face then tucks him into bed. The heart monitor is alarming no matter what, and Bucky can't help help but wonder why it's been slowly down more and more.

"Feeling any better? That must've been too much, hm?" Bucky asks as he slides into bed after pulling off his shirt and throwing on sweatpants.

"It's fine. At least I got to see everyone happy again. We even got to see Sam lose a card game for once." Steve chuckles as his body slowly starts to give in to the warmth of the bed.

"Yeah. It's only once in a blue moon we see a moment that good. But overall, I'm glad you enjoyed yourself Stevie." The same metal arm twirls thin locks of blond hair around its finger as Bucky leans on his side staring forward.

"I love you." He whispers.

Steve's head shifts enough for him to lock eyes with Bucky. "I love you too."

Half way through the night something wakes Steve up. He doesn't know what, but he just does. His body stiffens and his eyes are wide open as he starts to lift himself up. Bucky's passed out beside him. Wake him up, Steve. Wake him up.

Steve rests a hand on Bucky's shoulder, shaking it. "Bucky. Bucky." He whispers.

The next moment, the Alpha's wide awake and alert as he grabs onto his husband in a panicking matter. "Steve? What's wrong?"

"I...Bucky, can we go somewhere?"