Neglected Happiness

After Bucky woke up the next day, Steve couldn't be upset. Not at anyone. Not at Tony who knocked Bucky over, not at Bucky who was drunk and that's why Tony punched him. He just wanted time alone after Bruce proposed they hold the operation to remove the dead pup inside him, by tomorrow. Steve was already stressing and when Bucky woke up beside his husband in bed, with mumbles surrounding him, he felt a large weight of guilt drop onto him. Fuck, Bruce.

Oh, and that. Like most drunk guys they forget the stupid shit they say by the time they wake up hungover. But not Bucky. No. He totally remembers. Grabbing Bruce by the collar and lifting him up on his feet. Staring dead in his terrified eyes. Seeing his face redden. Then saying such nasty words that surely has left Bruce more than upset. What if he wants to no longer do the operation to remove the deceased pup in Steve? What if he orders the two to leave the Tower even though he doesn't run it?

Bucky's eyes flutter open a few times to clear his vision until he just slightly nudges his metal arm and Steve's head whips down to him.

"Buck? Mornin'." He flashes a small smile before it disappears. Bucky lifts himself up until he's against the headboard beside his husband and facing the group sitting at the end of the bed, all on chairs. Clint and Sam sit on the table, their legs almost at the ground, while Natasha, Rhodes, Peter and Tony all sit on chairs with their legs wide and elbows leaning on their knees, then Pepper and Wanda standing up with their arms folded.

"Hey Bucky. Feeling any better?" Natasha asks.

"I don't know if you should be asking me that." Bucky sighs looking over to Clint with a band-aid over the bridge of his nose, then one slapped on his cheek. Clint grumbles glaring towards Bucky but doesn't talk otherwise.

"Yeah, we should. What you said last night wasn't good but uh...you broke down. Obviously, you've been enduring a lot of shit." Sam also grumbles, slouching as he swings his legs.

"Language." Despite being the smallest one, Steve has a lot of fury. So Sam warily smiles over at the blond before awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck.

"I suggest you go talk to Bruce after you shower and eat. He's been locked up ever since the things you told him." Pepper doesn't beat around the bush and in her usual tone, is already ordering Bucky around. He's hungover, but he doesn't want to do anything else until he clears things with Bruce.

So he does. He showers then eats, then makes his way down to the labratory. "Dr Banner?" He knocks on the glass door, seeing Banner sitting on a chair with his back to the entrance.

"Dr Banner? It's me, Bucky. Can we talk?" Bucky is trying his hardest. He wants to smash his head into a wall. But he has to do this. And flattery with a bouquet of flowers or box of chocolates isn't going to do shit so he didn't buy any of that stuff. By the third knock Bruce jolts up from his seat and whirls around. Then his shoulders slightly sag and a small frown covers his face, but he tries his best to hide it and slowly walks to the entrance.

"Hello, James..."

This is it.

After an hour of constant apologies Bruce was more than happy to forgive him. He understood why Bucky was so upset and angry, explaining it's only a natural result of experiencing a miscarriage. But Bucky didn't want to be forgiven so easily. He wanted to be shouted at and shown at least a little bit that what he did, was really really wrong. He walked out of the labratory waving at Bruce and still apologising, and when he makes it up to his and Steve's floor, everyone else is patiently waiting for him in the bedroom. They all talk everything out, discussing the incident and then Bucky apologising for probably the hundreth time today. Another few hours later, one-by-one they leave the room, until it's just Steve and Bucky alone on the bed together as evening falls through the windows.

"How are you feeling?" Bucky asks, his head turned to Steve.

"Maybe I should just write 'I'm fine' on my forehead? I've been asked that too many times." Steve groans rolling his eyes. It's because we care about you baby.

"It's just...we want to make sure. The moment you may not be fine, we may never ask again. We're worried about you Stevie."

"I know. But every 5 seconds you ask me that. Tone it down to at least a minute."

"How about 45 seconds?" Bucky grins.

Steve snorts and narrows his eyes, "55."

"Did I hear 40 seconds?" The two laugh together, Steve leaning his head on Bucky's shoulder. They mention the most random things from how would Octopus taste to how many pencils can go up their nostrils. It's refreshing for them both after what they've gone through. The pain and tears. The crying at midnight and the heartbreaking. It's a new feeling getting to laugh despite the obvious presence of their loss still lingering. But for once, for just a second...they want to forget it all. Forget the pain they've been through and enjoy what they're doing right now.

By 6:00 Steve is already asleep and properly laying down on the bed. His gentle snores make Bucky smile from ear to ear and even run his metal fingers through the blond locks. Looking so at peace when asleep...he wishes that maybe it can be like this all the time. No more worries. And concerns. And blood. None of it.

Bucky stays awake until almost midnight first watching Steve for even longer, then cleaning up around the place even when they have cleaners. He occupies himself watching television, the News and what's going on around the World, drinking the Pineapple juice Wanda said to use as a replacement for alcohol. She said it helps, and in all honesty it does. Has a sour and bitter taste that reminds Bucky of bad memories from alcohol.

He stays on the couch surfing through different channels until Jarvis disturbs his time.

"Mr Barnes, Mr Rogers is calling for you." Immediately Bucky stands up from the couch and bolts to the room, barging through the door.

"Stevie!" He shouts turning on all the lights. Steve is a sweating mess curled up in the bedsheets, holding onto his stomach that's stil bulging from his figure. His eyes are closed and his mouth releases small moans every few seconds.

"B-Bucky...it's- ah!" They aren't the usual sexual moans. These are moans and groans of agony. And it can only mean bad.

Bucky starts to pull the bedsheets off but Steve shakes his head crying, tugging at them again. "No, no! Don't take the blankets off!" He whines, on his back again as he stares at Bucky at the end of the bed with his balled fist tight in the blanket.

"Baby what's go-"

"The baby...I think it's coming out. Ah!" Steve jolts again at the sudden whip of pain in him and scrunches his face even more.

"What? The baby?" Bucky kneels down and lifts the bedsheets up to see Steve's legs. He's already stripped himself of his pyjama pants and briefs, and is laying naked as blood starts to leak from him.

Just stay calm. Get him up. "Okay baby I need you to sit up. Just breathe. Alright? It's going to be fine. Everything is going to be fine sweetheart." Bucky helps Steve up against the headboard before lifting his legs up then splits them, the blanket still over his body. Steve's state of pain increases by the second until his cries for relief are the only sounds Bucky can hear.

"I can feel it!" Steve yelps again, his grip on the sheets tightening and his tears glistening with his sweat.

"C'mon baby, just push." Bucky feels the tears well up in his eyes as more and more blood come out until almost 30 minutes later, Steve finally pushed the dead pup out. It's small, undeveloped body is cold yet warm, and covered in rotting blood that smells of death. It lays on the wet bedsheets, not moving at all after exiting Steve and Bucky grabs a towel from the bathroom. He gently grabs hold of the fetus, not caring at the least with the large amounts of blood. Tears leaks from Steve like broken taps while he catches his breath, hair damp from the mass of sweat covering him.

"Stevie..." Bucky is shaking with the towel over his arms and the pup they spent so much time looking forward to, finally before him. She's beautiful. Even if he can't see her properly from the tears blurring his eyes, she's an absolute beauty. You're so beautiful my princess. Bucky coughs up a small smile as the tears drop and he stands up, walking over to Steve with his eyes locked on the pup.

"How...how does she look?" Steve breathes, head on an angle as his chest starts to calm down and his eyes start to open a bit more.

"Beautiful, Steve. She looks beautiful." Bucky sits down on the edge of the bed and twists himself around to Steve, slowly pushing his folded arms forward, handing over the pup. Steve smiles looking down at his pup, more tears starting to drop down on her.

Bucky doesn't know what to do but decides to shift around the bed and underneath the blankets beside Steve, their heads bumped together. Jarvis isn't ordered to, but he dims the lights enough for them to (somehow) feel at peace. They stare down at her, crying and crying for hours on end as she's cradled, her tiny body still covered in vernix and blood.

"Did you have a name in mind for her?" Bucky whispers as he watches the small little arm motion to the movement of Steve shifting himself.

"...Did you?" Steve did have a name for her. Both a boy's name, and a girl's name. It was prepared for the pup all along.

Bucky shrugs his shoulders, pushing his bottom lip out a bit before smiling again.

They stay like that. Just like that. Watching her for hours onwards until Steve was finally drained of tears just as much as Bucky. Bruce and Tony came into the room when Jarvis alerted them over the smell on the bedsheets that was still fresh, but started to rot as escaping from a womb and dead pup. Bucky took his husband to shower while the two others cleaned the room again. Steve held the baby with him the entire time, in the bathtub getting his body washed down as his stomach started to deflate already. His fatigue was still bad and Bucky didn't know why. He wasn't expecting fast recovery after his Omega gave birth but shouldn't he at least appear a little bit better? Looking closer, Bucky can't help but notice that Steve is actually looking worser than before.

Steve sits quietly in the bathtub, letting the water from the shower head in Bucky's hand wash over his back. He still holds his pup in an arm, smiling every single time he pokes at her little arms or legs.

"You're so beautiful." Steve murmurs, tears starting to overtake his emotions again. Bucky gently threads his fingers through Steve's gold locks of hair then with the shower head, sprays water around the neck, and slowly to the front.

"I'm sorry my princess." His head falls as he starts to sob on his arm cradling the pup. "I'm so sorry." Steve's voice cracks and weakens.

"I didn't do enough for you my princess. I had so much in plan for us three." Bucky drops the shower head to the side of the bathtub and leans over it, pulling his Omega into his arms. Steve cries again holding tight onto their baby.

*****

After the burial, the two husbands sit quietly in front of the pile of dirt before them, alone as they stare forward. Steve leaves his head leaning on Bucky's shoulder while he sniffles his nose. By now, both of their eyes are bloodshot and swollen from eternal crying, not once letting the pain of their baby go. It took Tony only seconds to arrange a funeral for 'the Princess', and it was immediately decided that it was going to be small. Only Natasha, Bruce, Sam, Wanda, Peter, Thor, Tony, Clint and Steve's ma came. They all went to church first then buried her, saying their goodbyes then leaving Bucky and Steve alone for their own comfort. It took especially Steve time to hold his tears in for even a second, he struggled to even say his farewell.

"Are you cold baby?" Bucky doesn't wait for an answer as he pulls his trench coat off and puts it over Steve's trembling shoulders. Thank god for the being half the Alpha's size, he can slip the coat on with ease. But Steve leans his whole body further into Bucky's, basically kneading himself into the warmth.

"C'mon, we'll visit her again later. You need to eat." He really does. Bucky's concern hasn't been dismissed after the birth because Steve has worsened. He's going whiter in the face that at this point it seems almost impossible to go any paler. His body is thinning enough to snap with a feather that drops on him and he's coughing and bleeding every day and night.

Steve doesn't bother to talk, probably because his throat has dried out from the lack of water he's consumed. But he stands up still in Bucky's arm, and the two blow kisses towards the pile of dirt with small smiles before walking off, trotting through the grass as they shuffle downhill to their car.

"You think she would've liked her name?" Steve whispers, voice rasp and gentle.

"She would've loved it doll." Bucky's left arm around Steve's shoulders who's folded his tighten and they kiss, nearing to the vehicle.

In Loving Memory Of

Peggy Buchanan Rogers

5th February 2018