Part 1.
NOVEMBER 1984.
"Oh... god o-." said the voice as he tried to open his eyes but the pressure on his left one was stronger than his will.
He tried to open his right eye but couldn't. Suddenly he felt sleepy. Then the voice hit him again. "Bucky dammit wake up, oh god.." the voice trailed off, but it seemed familiar. Who was it? he thought to himself while it continued in the distance.
"Tony, fuck, get over here oh god Tony hel-." Steve's voice was frantic.
Steve! He said to himself, why is Steve upset?
"Ste-" he tried to say as he dozed off.
MARCH 1985.
He walked down the street with a fast pace while rage and sorrow slowly started to grow like pain in his chest. While he tried to stay calm and walked faster, his breathing grew harder and the pain grew bigger.
With the pain grew his rage. He was so angry, so so angry. All he ever wanted was to be happy and yet everything was like the calm the storm, and the storm hit like a motherfucking hurricane and fucked it all up. Bucky Barnes knew from a young age that he wouldn't have his own happy ending, but for fuck's sake what about Steve? He knew this was gonna tear Steve apart more than Bucky himself, to whom it would literally do so.
Bucky heard the stories, whispers, rumors, he knew his friends were falling like flies. Men were dying, and now so was he. He could laugh, he really could. The thing that saved his life 3 months ago was the thing that was killing him now. If he believed in god like his parents do they'd tell him "Sonny boy this is a sign from God, you can change your ways, it's gonna be okay." He snorted to himself. God really showed him, didn't he? He got kicked out for loving a man, but Steve's mother was practically a saint: she took him in and told him it's okay that he loved Steve and let them be, and now he's dying for the same reason.
NOVEMBER
As Steve sat in the waiting room of the hospital, he felt numb. He had stared at the same corner of the hallway for the past hour and a half. He felt an arm on his shoulder and he turned.
"Steve." he heard Tony's voice as he looked down into his bloody hands and stained clothes.
"Steve it's gonna be okay I promise, we got the be-"
Tony couldn't finish his sentence before Steve started laughing.
With that, Tony stopped talking, sighed and just pulled him into a hug.
"It's gonna be okay." He whispered into his ear and smiled at him as he pulled away.
"The best surgeons in the state are in there operating on your boy, it's gonna be just fine and he's gonna pull through."
"It's Barnes for fuck's sake. If someone is gonna pull through it's him, okay?" he said. Steve nodded, then sighed and slumped back into the chair.
"I love him." Tony nodded.
"I know, fuck I know," he said and smiled at Steve.
The doctor walked into the waiting room.
MARCH
Steve sat on his bed trying to resist the urge to panic, call Tony and start looking for a body because it was 4 in the morning and Bucky was supposed to be home by 7. They had talked normally before he left for his doctor's appointment. Bucky was feeling sickish these past few weeks. He had a fever, then his muscles ached, after that it was vomit. He thought it was probably the flu, he hoped it was the flu. Steve urged him to go check it out given the fact he spent all of December in a hospital. It was supposed to be nothing, it was nothing (or at least he thought so).
Maybe Bucky had bumped into some old friends from college, or maybe...
In the middle of thought, the door slammed shut and rumbling was heard in the hallway. Steve knew who it was and he knew he was drunk.
"Bucky," he said standing in the doorway to their bedroom.
He didn't even get a glance out of Bucky while he was taking his shoes off.
"Bucky, look at me." Steve tried again. He was starting to get agitated.
He couldn't let Steve worry like this, not after what happened, not after Bucky almost dying, not after the doctor coming out of his surgery saying they almost lost him in there because there were complications, that he almost died on the table and that they had to give him a blood transfusion afterwards because he lost so much blood.
It wasn't fair, it wasn't alright and he put up with his bad days, the days where Bucky would wake up screaming bloody murder and having a panic attack because he couldn't breathe.
Because his chest still hurt, hurt even more while it rained.
With Bucky still not responding, Steve lost it.
"What the fuck?" he yelled, walking towards Bucky.
"Where have you been?"
Bucky still didn't look up and just stared at the ground.
Steve squatted down next to him and grabbed and made him look at him.
"Where the fuck have you been Buck, it's four in the morning!" he exclaimed and sighed.
"I was... I was going to call Tony and start looking for you..." Bucky still stared at him with a blank expression.
"I was going to look for fucking bodies because I thought you wer-" he was cut off by Bucky's hysteric laughter.
He didn't understand what was going on. He was angry.
"What's so funny, huh?" With that, he finally got a response.
"Oh, I don't know..." Bucky slurred out.
"Maybe the fact that you think I'm stupid enough to get myself killed, or maybe that you give a shit." Bucky laughed into his chin and drunkenly looked up into Steve's hurt expression.
"Ah it doesn't matter, does it?" he asked lightly.
"Babe, what doesn't matter?" Steve asked while trying to comprehend what Bucky was saying.
He wasn't even mad anymore. He was hurt and confused and Bucky was drunk.
Bucky just shook his head and mumbled something into his chin.
"What?"
And Bucky just shook his head harder.
"Buck, babe please just talk to me. I'm scared."
He smiled at him encouragingly and with that Bucky broke into tears.
NOVEMBER
When the doctor walked out of the surgery, Steve was honestly expecting the worst. He didn't know if Bucky was going to live. When he got to Bucky, he looked dead, the only thing that proved him otherwise was the gasp of his name and the pulse in his hand.
If Tony hadn't gotten there in time and called for help, he'd be sitting in a morgue instead of a waiting room. Steve didn't know what to think after Tony had calmed him down and went to find them some coffee he was left with the reality.
His boyfriend of ten years and best friend of twenty was in surgery and he was waiting in clothes that were covered in blood. He was just thankful the police still hadn't come because he didn't know how he would've dealt with that.
So when the doctor came up to him and told him what was wrong and what injuries Bucky had sustained, he wanted to vomit.
"Steve Rogers?"
Steve looked up.
"I'm Doctor Xavier," The doctor introduced himself and Steve only had the capability to nod at this point.
"Mr. Barnes had taken quite the beating" he smiled sadly.
Steve knew that D.r Xavier knew they were together.It was quite obvious when he ran into the hospital hysterical and asking where Bucky was: they hadn't let Steve ride in the ambulance with him.
Yet Doctor Xavier didn't seem disgusted or even remotely moved by the fact that they were together, or maybe he just didn't give a shit.
"He came in with pneumothorax, in other words, a collapsed lung, two cracked and one broken rib from which the pneumothorax occurred, then an orbital fracture" he sighed.
"Fractured fingers, broken nose and a concussion and general bruising"
Steve felt like he had been punched in the gut, he felt like he was going to be sick.
"Oh.."
"He did suffer terrific blood loss during the surgery and there were some complications but everything worked out fine and he will be able to fully recover from the pneumothorax. We don't yet know about his eye because of the swelling but we're hopeful." he smiled as a form of comfort for Steve but Steve still wanted to cry.
"He is being transferred to his room as we speak. A nurse will tell you where he is when they finish, but he won't wake up for at least another few hours."
Steve whispered a nearly silent thank you and leaned against the wall.
Bucky was going to be okay was a mantra constantly repeating in his head. He had to tell Tony... where is Tony he asked himself as he looked around to see him walking down the hall with two cups of coffee.
"Did the doctor come out?"
"Yea."
Tony felt a weight lifted off his chest.
The nurse walked out and told Steve where Bucky's room was. Steve looked at Tony and he just heard
"Go."
He was walking down the hall listening to what she was saying but to this day Steve can't remember a word that she said.
He walked into the room and there Bucky was, just lying there while the machines beeped.
He looked like utter shit, and there have been days that he was covered in shit.
Steve laughed to himself, the day after they had a party someone clogged up their toilet and the brunet was too stubborn to call a plumber.
He had looked Steve in the eye, rolled up his sleeves.
"Darlin' just you sit back and watch. We don't need no plumber."
The blond started laughing and replied “okay sugar“.
( Ten minutes later the toilet blew shit all over Bucky.)
Today, Bucky had bruises all over his face, there was dried blood next to his mouth, his eye was bandaged up, the bandages on his chest went all the way up to his neck and his hand was in a cast. There were cuts and bruises all over his legs and lower body, he didn’t look too much.
Honestly, if he did he would probably cry.
He sat down next to Bucky and asked the nurse when he would wake up.
"Honey I'd say sometime tomorrow and don't climb into bed with him, but if you do, don't put your hand on his chest because it's broken." she smiled
"Just keep it below the chest, 'kay sugar?"
"God, shit like this is so unfair, I mean for heaven's sake you're gay, not fucking Nazis." she took a deep breath and left the room.
Steve took the brunet's hand in his own and kissed it.
"Baby..."
He didn't even know what to say at this point.
He wanted to cry but he had already done that, he wanted to scream at the world but that would be counterproductive and he oh so dearly wanted to find the motherfuckers who did this to Bucky.
Instead, he just sat there, his head on the bed, his hand in Bucky's and just waited. He felt so tired but again couldn't sleep even if he tried. His life was normal a day ago and now everything was different.
He didn't want to think about the fact that Bucky may be blind in one eye or what would happen after he woke up. So he looked at the door and watched the shadows through the small gap from the floor and traced the brunet's arm.
**
He felt pain and something inside his throat. He felt confused and felt the pressure of the light on his eyes so he tried to open them.
He heard beeping as he slowly got his vision back on one.. one eye? Why couldn't he see through the other one? He tried to raise his arm but something was holding it.
He looked down and saw short blond hair laying down next to his hand, which was in a cast...
He was so confused and tried to speak but he couldn't and all that came out was some sort of squeak. He felt Steve move and look up.
"Buck..You're awake." Steve said quietly and continued as he saw the brunet's brows scrunch up in confusion.
"Baby, you're in a hospital it's okay."
"You got beat up badly.. uhh I'll go get the doctor. Don't move too much."
Bucky just blinked at him and watched as his boyfriend left the room. He looked around and saw the door open as a doctor and two nurses hurried inside with Steve.
**
After the moment they came in, his mind was a blur. Looking back, he couldn't remember a damn thing except for Steve's concerned looks and medical mumbo-jumbo. The next month or so was him lying in that fucking bed watching everyone around him treat him like he was made of glass. They didn't say it of course but Bucky has always been a good judge of character. He saw the relief on Stark's face when he came in a few hours after he woke up. Stark was happy, and smiled until he got a good look at Bucky and even with the fact that Stark was one of the best actors the brunet has met in his life( he still can't understand why Stark made his way to Boston when he was 18 and not good old Hollywood.) even he couldn't hide his fear, his regret and his fucking pity from Bucky. Bucky saw it all, he felt it all and he was sick of it.
He watched everyone wait for the day he'd break and Steve especially, but he knew he would with good reason.You can't know someone for that long and not know every god damn thing about them, from the way they breathe to the way their footsteps sound as they walk down the hallway. Bucky knew that he would be waiting, not saying a word just patiently waiting for the day that he was so full of it he'd cry. So when the day came about 2 weeks in his hospital stay he was full of it. It started when Steve walked in his room for visiting hours (even though the nurse would let him stay long after, he never really questioned it. He assumed it had something to do with Stark and his good money, protecting the LGBT, letting the fags have their own time. Every time he'd think of it he would start laughing, a self-pity laugh. One for himself but then quickly stop, 'cuz ya know his chest kind of is broken.)
"Heya baby"
Steve sat down next to him turned the TV in the corner of the room ( again the benefit of being Tony Stark's whatever.) Bucky woke up that day being pissed, it wasn't really Steve's fault he was agitated. It was a bad day from the moment he opened his eyes ( he felt like those days were becoming more and more common.) His nurse woke him up at 6 fucking am to give him a sponge bath, change his bandages.
"Hey"
He murmured back and Steve just smiled at him and at any other moment, he would've loved it. He really did have such a beautiful smile, the man was beautiful. So fucking beautiful.To this day, he didn't fucking know how he got lucky with Steve when he was 15. The fact that Steve even liked him let alone loved him back when after 4 years of pinning he just kissed him. But that was then and now all he wanted to do was punch something, not that he could since his left arm is in a cast and has been forever and not that he wanted to punch Steve, that's the last thing he wanted to do but he was just done. He was done with the nurses, he was done with Stark bargin' in on him in the middle of what would be his lunch hour even though his fucking building was 34 blocks away ( yes one day he got bored and made a bet so he counted.) He was done with Steve acting like everything was fine even though he had seen him walk in with his eyes slightly red, he'd say its allergy season and that he was getting a bit sniffy. He also knew that Bucky wouldn't buy his bullshit, he could've at least tried with his lies.
IT WAS FUCKING DECEMBER.
And at that point, he didn't know himself if he should laugh or cry. But in the end, he wouldn't push. It always fell in place with those two, Tony would even say they're like two magnets which flip each other over within the given time if they were stuck by the wrong end. He also said that drunk so don't take his word for it, but Bucky was also drunk so he probably didn't remember correctly.
"I don't understand why you smile and act like it's all jolly and good, I mean Steve we haven't celebrated Christmas since '76"
Steve looked a bit taken back and Bucky did feel like an asshole but he was so fucking done.
"What's wrong, or would you rather have a passive-aggressive monologue for the next ten minutes about Christmas."
"If so, let me go to the cafeteria real quick and try to bribe one of the older nurses into giving me the good jello."
Bucky smiled and laughed but then it quickly turned into a sad smile, an even sadder laugh and eventually tears. The man across him gave him a sad smile, not once looking away, just waiting for Bucky to signal him he wanted him near. Bucky was never one for physical contact while he was emotional- it took him forever to get him to break that wall down and talk to Steve.
"It's just n-no-ot fair." He hiccupped
"It's no-t fuck-ing fair that I have to.."
Bucky tried to calm himself but he couldn't speak and he had so much to say but all he could get out were hiccups and sobs and in that moment all he wanted was Steve.
He looked up at him.
"Stevie..."
He said in the most heartbreaking voice Steve had ever fucking heard and this was not the first time Bucky had cried in front of him. He just gently got up and sat down next to Bucky while Bucky fell apart and leaned against him crying.
"Baby, it will be alright okay?" he looked at him and gave him a gentle kiss on the forehead as he whipped his tear.
The brunet only wheezed harder, it was starting to hurt to cry, it hurt to think, it hurt to be alive.
"IT'S NOT FA-" he wheezed and slumped back trying to breathe.
The blond just leaned back with him and whispered softly into his hair.
"I love you and it will be alright, I know you feel like shit, I promise you it will be alright baby."
Bucky looked up at the blond and leaned in for a kiss.
MARCH
"Bucky, please tell me."
They were sitting on the floor as Bucky sobbed away, scaring the life out of Steve. He couldn't even be mad at this point. Did Bucky cheat and felt bad? Did he steal something? Did he get raped? What the fuck was going on?
"Here"
An envelope got pushed into his hand and Bucky looked away, sniffing.
"What is this?"
Steve looked down, afraid to open it. As he waited for his boyfriend to answer all he got in response was a wince and then he opened it.
"I'm sorry Stevie."
Steve was confused as he opened it. He read through and....
The letter fell out of his hand, he looked up.
"Bucky, what does this mean?"
He was careful as he put the sentence together, he waited a moment.
"It means what if fucking says." Bucky's answer was aggressive, he was only sniffling at this point.
He was trying, to.. he just..
"Sweetheart..." he said looking up at him with tears in his eyes. Bucky just looked away. He bent down picking up the results and turned his back.
"If you want me to leave... if you want to go, I'll uh.."
The words hit Steve like bricks in the head. He was shocked, he knew that Bucky's method of coping with anything was pushing it away, pushing himself away. Suffering in silence.
Steve looked at him, choked back a sob and just hugged him. After all the bullshit they've been through, from Steve getting into fights from age 6 to falling in love with each other when they were 15 to Bucky's parents kicking him out because they didn't want a fag in their house to fucking November. Fucking November.
Bucky started crying quietly, if anyone was in the room with them they wouldn't hear it. He always could be silent like that. Not let a soul know he's in pain. The only reason Steve even knew was the fact that he'd known Bucky his whole life and the fact that the brunet was shaking. He was shaking and he was scared.
"I didn't cheat."
The sentence shook Steve out of his trance just to see his lover's face scrunch up into something painful. "Wha-" Steve cleared his throat. "Sweetheart I don't think you... of course not that's not even a quest-."
" Don't call me that," Bucky whispered before sniffing.
"O-..." he couldn't not, it didn't matter to Steve why he got it, how he got it, he couldn't not call him sweetheart. " I.. don't want you to shut me out right now, you don't have to tell me how you got it if you're doing drugs... uh" Steve felt like a parent trying to have the sex talk with an 11-year-old.
"Oh shut the fuck up Steve. I'm not stupid." Bucky shouted. Steve took a deep breath.
"It was the hospital." he finally said.
"What?"
"The blood supply in the hospital is infected." Bucky looked up at him and smiled.
"Isn't it funny? I get beaten up 'cuz I'm a fag and get the fag disease. God, dad would be crying with laughter. God punished you boy, that's what you get." he said with a sad smile.
"Bucky.."
"What, what Steve? It says it all there, HIV positive as can be." he gestures towards the paper.
"No happy ending huh," he says and looks back at the paper.
"Don't say that... you don't get to say that Buck, that's not fucking fair."
He's tired. Steve is tired, He is tired of all the bullshit life keeps pushing at them.
"Don't get to say that I'm dying, that I'll join the rest of those skeletons on the news?"
"Buck..." Steve pleads.
"Buck what, Stevie."
Steve shook his head furiously "We can ask Tony or we could get you on that new medic-."
"Okay." he agreed, he saw Steve was trying to help. He nodded and sat down next to him.
Steve latched on to him. He hugged him like it really was the last time he would touch him, even the thought of that gave the brunet the chills. Steve sniffled into to crook of his neck.He really did love him. He wasn't scared of Bucky, he was scared for him. A few people that they knew had HIV, and the news was overblown bythe epidemic. They heard about the protests, and Steve had even wanted to go to a few but they didn't have any time, what with Bucky leaving his job as a mechanic in a small workshop in Brooklyn because of the beating in November, and Steve working himself to death, working three jobs until Stark stepped in said he would pay Bucky's medical bills and that Steve should come work for him. Steve finished college while Bucky was always into cars and fixing things, he'd said he wouldn't waste his time or money when he could be in the garage. Steve was the smart one. Steve majored in engineering and robotics and he was supposed to get his Ph.D. but then Bucky got beaten up and Steve dropped everything. Bucky woke up a few days after his surgery with the realization that Steve should be at MIT but wasn't.
He was so mad, god was he mad. He wanted to yell at Steve but it hurt. He wanted to slap him but his arm was broken, for fuck's sake he couldn't even see out of one eye. The brunet barely remembers the attack, he remembers him and Steve getting looks from a group of men across the bar, he remembers walking out to take a smoke and the next thing he remembers is his lighter covered in blood and Stevie screaming his name to stay awake. He wouldn't remember what exactly happened but from the moment Steve came out and found him bloody on the ground he'd have nightmares of that. Of course, he never told Steve about this, at least not until he actually had to sleep next to him but then you can say Steve found out himself. He'd try to help but Bucky was never the open type, and if he wasn't open to Steve he sure as hell wasn't open to anyone else. Bucky would wake up screaming for Steve, and sometimes it wasn't him on the ground, it was the blond. Sometimes it wasn't the attackers who were on top of Steve, it was him.
He refused to tell Steve what happened in the dreams for weeks and weeks. He'd just get up and take his pack of cigarettes and sit on the balcony. He couldn't smoke of course. His lungs probably couldn't take it and he didn't want to test it, so he'd just take his pack of white Marlboro and light it on fire and put it in the ashtray. Steve would let him have his 5 minutes before turning out with at least a sweater because he was in the hospital just a few weeks ago and he'd let Steve sit next to him. Hell, Steve would even take his pack and smoke one. The blond would just sit next to him and wait, he didn't even stare at Bucky, he knew him too well. It all came down to the fact that he'd known Bucky far too long and far too well. They'd have fought over the fact that Steve deserved better, that he could do better and it always ended in tears. Steve would yell and yell at him that Bucky doesn't get to pick what Steve does and does not deserve, it was his life and he wasn't about to let Bucky push himself out of it because he thought he was a fuck up. Which in Bucky's mind was clear as day.
He got kicked out at 15, he barely finished high school and was holding back this beautiful man that in his honest opinion would be way better off with a woman in his arms and a few kids.
But he let Steve in, he let him stay. (Even though Bucky was the one staying at his house.)
God bless Sarah Rogers and her wise-ass talks at 3 in the morning when Bucky just sat in the living room, staring into nothing. The first few months of him living at their house Bucky wanted to be invisible, he didn't want to intrude, he didn't even speak. Of course, that wasn't him not speaking out of politeness. It was just shame and guilt. If he hadn't called Steve over and convinced him his parents wouldn't be home for a couple more hours none of this wouldn't have happened. They were barely even dating and Bucky was completely convinced Steve stayed out of guilt, called him into his home out of pity and told his mom his sob story so he didn't end up on the streets. That was far from the truth, and he knew it.
At the early hours of what was if he remembered correctly was a Tuesday, Sarah Rogers got out of bed to get a glass of water to see Bucky Barnes sitting on the couch staring into the wall like a widow after a funeral. She took not one but two glasses and sat down next to him.
"Honey, what's wrong?" She asked gently and nudged his hand to give him the glass. He looked down and took it.
"Oh.. nothing it's nothing sorry if I woke you up, I can go bac.."
"Nonsense, you're gonna sit right here and tell me what is on your mind and I will listen.I will listen because I know for a fact that for how good Winnie can be, she is far from perfect and far from a good mother."
She gave him a sad smile. Sarah Rogers wasn't blind nor was she stupid, she knew that in this day and age, being a homosexual was hard, she knew it wasn't acceptable and yet she was accepting. She never cared about the fact that Steve liked men as well as he liked women, she only cared that he was happy.
But Winfred Barnes was not Sarah Rogers. She was probably one of the most homophobic people Bucky has met in his life and he's met plenty. From age one Bucky was taught that not liking women was a sin, that God wouldn't forgive him, that homosexuals were to burn in hell. At age seven Bucky stopped believing in god.
He and his mother were walking down the streets of New York one day and across the road, there were two men standing against a police car in handcuffs and he looked up at his mom to hear her say " god damn fags deserve what they get." They were arrested for public indecency Bucky would later on realize, but from that day he was afraid of who he was. He didn't know yet, he didn't know until one hot summer day when he was 13 years old just beginning to enter puberty when he and Steve were hanging out in Steve's bedroom while his mother was working an early surgery. It dawned on him then that Steve Rogers was the most beautiful person he had ever seen. That the at the time smaller blond ( fucker grew 6 inches over the summer that they were 17) was the sun and the stars, the light of his day. But what also dawned on him was fear. The words his mother would say. The looks he would get. So as a reasonable plan he gave Steve one more quick glance as he could swear his heart hurt, he asked what time it was and when Steve replied ten Bucky yelled a quick shit and ran out of his house like he was a loose horse. Later on, he would tell Steve that given the fact that he slept over he had to be home by 10 ( a lie, she didn't care.) And then he would go on to ignore him for a week before deciding he should stop being a fucking idiot and act like a best friend. He at that point in time decided he would be Steve Rogers' best friend and only that. (Ha he was in for a ride in 2 years.)
So Bucky looked up at Sarah. "I don't know if he really wants to be with me or if he's doing this out of guilt." He took a deep breath, " I don't want him to think I'm the love of his life right now and in 3 years realize it was only guilt and he won't want me no more." Then he said with less than a whisper,
"I don't want him to realize he never even did."
He looked up at Sarah with wide eyes with fear, and at that moment she knew that even with his tough act, with his sharp tongue and bad boy attitude, he was just afraid, he was a boy who was afraid. He was afraid he wasn't good enough, he was afraid of his mother, he was afraid of life.
"Honey, now I don't read minds or know what is inside of that boy's head 24/7 but I know for a fact that he loves you." she smiled. " You can try and push him away, hell you might even succeed but I do not doubt for one godforsaken second that he is in love with you, that he loves and if you were to leave it would break his heart to pieces but he'd let you go. If it made you happy he would let you go."
He nodded and looked down, "I don't want to leave him, I never want to leave him." Sarah smiled and said good.
"Do.. uh do you think my mom cares where I am?" he asked with a fragile voice.
"Yes, I called her and told her,"
"What did she say?"
Sarah frowned, what Winfried did say was she wishes he was dead, that George should'a smacked him, that they never want to see him again.
"I can take it."
"Sweetheart I know you can, you don't need to hear such bullshit from people who're supposed to love you no matter what."
Bucky smiled and was a bit twitchy until he got the courage and hugged her, she squeezed even harder and it was fine. It was supposed to be fine.
A few days later he would start to grow more open to Steve, let him in.
They were lying in bed, just after midnight, Sarah was working the night shift. Steve was dozing off in Bucky's arms.They didn't fuck, haven't since Bucky got kicked out. They were just lying there, legs intertwined, for the first time in his life, he felt safe. He didn't have the anxiety creeping in the back of his head every time he'd kiss Steve or fucking look at him. He felt normal and safe.
"Buck."
He looked down and saw Steve looking up at him, kissing his jaw.
"Mhm?" he murmured back smiling at him.
"We should grow old together."
The sentence shook him like lighting.
"What?"
"I mean, we've known each other forever, I intend on keeping it that way, so let's grow old together."
"Really, you mean that?"
Buck pulled Steve up and looked him straight in the eye. Steve just kissed him.
He meant it.
Bucky deepened the kiss and pushed the man deeper into the mattress and Steve groaned, his hand moved down Bucky's chest to the top of his jeans. Steve looked up at him questioningly - they haven't done anything in ages and god he wanted him. The brunet just smiled at his lover and pushed his hand down. Steve gripped him and honest to whoever was listenin' Bucky felt like Christmas came early. He missed Steve's hands, he missed the way they were always a bit cold and the way it would come as a shock to him, he missed the way Steve gripped him. He pushed his hips into Steve's hand and moaned. His mouth moved down to Steve's neck and he kissed the way down to his collarbone where he would slowly suck down. Steve's hand started moving and Bucky bit harder, the way Steve was pumping him was torturously slow. His body felt on fire, he was so hard and he just wanted to be inside Steve. His virgin tight ass that even with three fingers inside of him was so tight you would think it was his first time every time they did it. He moaned into Steve's neck and gripped his ass. He pulled himself up a bit and started kissing and biting the blond's ear, he loved that, Bucky hadn't seen anyone get so hot and bothered by that. Steve's breath hitched and he quickened the pace of his hand and Bucky began to moan into his ear.
"God, baby just like that.... oh yess."
If he looked down, the blond on top of him was probably red as a tomato. Talking dirty was so much fun when Steve would blush like the Virgin Mary at anything Bucky would say. Bucky gripped Steve's hips and started to move him on top of him. He could feel Steve's hard cock against his leg and that had to be painful, he even felt the way his jeans were wet, he was leaking and Bucky could scream. Steve looked up and his mouth fell open. If anything was picture worthy it was his face, the way his mouth opened Bucky could just imagine the way his tongue would work at the tip of his cock. He couldn't take it anymore, he took Steve's hand off his cock and rolled them over. Steve was below him, hot and bothered, cheeks red as a girl's lipstick in a bar.
"Fuck me." Steve rasped and god if he hadn't had more control he would've come right then and there.
"Whatever you want sweetheart. Whatever you want," Bucky said as he unbuttoned Steve's shirt and started to kiss down his chest, giving a special kiss to each pec. Steve's groans and pleas made him want to just tease him for hours on end and try to see if he could make him come just by that. But Bucky had other plans now and all of them involved Steve's perfect cut cock. He finally came down to Steve's zipper and he could see the wet spot where his cock was resting. As a test, he licked across is and Steve's hips kicked up so fast he could swear it was on purpose.
"Fucking hell, just blow me already."
That was the first thing that came out of Steve's mouth. Bucky just smiled and unzipped Steve's pants. He pulled them down along with his underwear and Steve's hard cock flapped hard against his stomach. God, he was rock hard. Bucky took it into his hand and gave it a few licks, just at the tip. Licking up all the leaking precome. It was gorgeous, his cock was gorgeous. He looked up at Steve and gave his full length a lick and finally placed it into his mouth and sucked. Steve moaned loudly as his head fell back against the headboard. His hand fell on his lover's hair and gripped it. Bucky slipped his mouth down his whole length and let Steve push him into a deepthroat. His nose was pressed against the blond's pubes. He took a deep breath and pulled himself up and gave Steve a wet kiss. His hips pressed into Steve's jeans. He pulled them down to his ankles and pressed his lips against Steve's. He pulled away and took off his sweats and pulled the blond's jeans down completely, giving his ankles a kiss as he pulled his legs up.
He bent down, kissing down Steve's balls and pressing his finger at the rim of his hole. Steve cursed and Bucky smiled and spanked his beautiful ass. He pressed his lips down at the rim of his hole and teases him with a small lick. Along with Steve's whole fucking body, he could eat him out for hours on end, nosing at his sack, pressing a finger or two at his prostate. Or just simply licking, spreading his cheeks, pinching his ass and going on like that forever. He spanked him again as he spread his cheeks, going in deeper with his tongue.
"God, Bucky fuck, oh o-."
Bucky smiled as he released him and told him to turn over on his stomach. Steve whined and flipped over. Bucky leaned down again and, as he started rimming Steve, he pulled his hand under and gripped his cock. Steve's moan reached pornography and Bucky finally gave him some mercy, licked his finger and pushed it in. Steve's hips bounced and the way that Bucky was gripping him became pleasurable.Steve continued to move his hips into the brunet's hand, pressing his head hard into the pillow and gripping the sheets tightly.
Bucky could hear Steve's breath getting harder, so he removed his hand and added another finger. As much as he enjoys making Stevie come right into his hand he really needs to be inside of him. He pushed against his prostate a few times and all he could hear were soft pants of his name. He finally pushed a third finger, scissoring him. His other hand opened the bedside table and pulled out a condom and more lube. He pulled his finger out and rolled his condom on as Steve flipped back onto his back. He wanted to look at him as Bucky pushed in. Bucky gave him a smile and lubed the blond's hole a bit more and starts to push in. Steve stirs and groans as he pulls Bucky down against him.
Bucky pushed in completely and leaned down into a deep kiss. Steve's hand gripped his back and his nails pressed into Bucky's skin as Bucky started to thrust slowly.
"Fuck, faster plea-" Steve moaned so loudly he couldn't even finish his sentence as Bucky, knowing he won't last long, quickened his pace. Bucky groaned into his neck as he started hitting right in that spot where Steve couldn't fucking breathe when he did.His boyfriend started panting and the grip on his back was tighter as Steve moved one hand down to the Bucky's ass.
Bucky started pounding, and Steve gasped and came. He didn't even touch his cock and he was coming. Bucky looked down and started thrusting faster as he felt himself coming to the edge. He pulled out, ripped off the condom and started pumping himself as Steve opened his mouth. He came and Steve wrapped his mouth around his cock and sucked. Bucky groaned as he gripped Steve's head. His lover pulled off and Bucky collapsed onto his chest. He felt arms wrap around him and a kiss on his head.
"I love you," Bucky said and looked up. Steve said the same.
APRIL
He looked fine, hell he even felt better, the scars starting to fade, his chest hardly hurting. He felt normal, and he would tell Steve that but they both knew the truth. He didn't have AIDS, not yet at least. He would act like Steve didn't make him wear an extra shirt when it was a bit chilly outside, tell him to put a hat on, or a scarf.
"Baby, it's a bit cold out, why don't you put on your new beanie?"
or
"We're going out and we won't be home 'til late, why don't you put on an extra sweater."
He would tell him okay, or give him a peck on to his cheek. He would act like Steve didn't go to the library right after work and look up a bunch of shit about HIV, AIDS, the new fucking MMWR. He would nod when Steve would mention going to "The normal heart", a play by some dude named Larry Kromper or some shit. He would act interested when Steve would tell him, they were talking about making vaccines a year ago, he would smile when Tony would call him and tell him Steve is doing some sort of research at the lab and they won't be much longer but if he's tired he should go rest.
He knew Steve told Tony - he tells him everything. Bucky thought he was Steve's best friend but he guesses that changes after you start dating. He didn't mind Tony.The moment Steve introduced him to Bucky back when Steve was a freshman in college and Tony was getting his second masters, Bucky was surprised when Tony asked him after Steve left the room how long they had been dating. It wasn't like they were hiding, to be frank, Bucky didn't give a fucking shit about who knew he was queer and who didn't but they didn't need some asshole trying to prove a point of how much they were freaks by starting a fight. So when Tony asked he just said "a while“.
He wasn't rude to Tony, in the beginning, but he wasn't as friendly and open as Steve was. He was never like that, he was always the quiet one, didn't have much to say. Steve on the other hand, if he wasn't blabbing along about something to do with physics, he was making small talk and chatting up everyone in the room.
Steve was always so fucking handsome. He was small at first, but the moment he hit puberty and grew 10 inches and become a lanky giant he was cute, then in the 11th grade he started going to the gym and became a fucking beast. He would wear a shirt size too small, even though he swore it fit and he's not „wearing this shirt so you want to fuck me in the supply closet, babe." with the biggest fucking blush Bucky has seen since the third grade when he gave some girl an Valentine's day card ( Bucky also gave Steve one after school).
But he also didn't expect Stark to say he also had a boyfriend at the time, some Swedish kid named Loki. Ha, he remembers when Loki was just "some Swedish kid."Over the years, he would pull his walls down for Tony because, frankly, he was a good friend, and not just to Steve.
Steve, on the other hand, would pretend that he didn't wake up with Bucky every other night and sit on the balcony as his boyfriend would calm down from a nightmare where he almost got beat to death, he would pretend he didn't wince every time the brunet coughed or had the fucking hiccups. He would pretend he didn't worry that Bucky would get a cold he wouldn't come back from. He knew Bucky hated it and he knew his smiles were fake. He saw the way Tony looked at him everytime he would fall asleep at his newest computer.
He told Tony what happened.
"He has it."
"What, who has what?"
Steve had tears in his eyes and Tony was about to freak out over the fact that his best friend was this emotional. He was only ever like this over Bucky.
"Tony, don't fuck with me, you know what it is." Steve gulped.
"Leon, Stacey, Coco."
As he heard him say those names, Tony's heart fucking dropped.
"How?" He managed to spit out.
"Uhhh.. we're not sure but he thinks he got it from the hospital. A week before, we were watching the news and a few hemophiliacs in fucking Indiana had it."
Steve looked down and rubbed his eyes tiredly.
Tony hesitated, and Steve already knew what he was gonna ask.
"Did he..."
"For fuck's sake no. He did not cheat on me, it's him, Tony."
Tony knew Barnes would never cheat on Steve, but he had to be sure. He also knew Bucky was never big on drugs, hell he wasn't anything on drugs - when he showed up with a joint to his and Steve's apartment to celebrate the fact that Steve had graduated, Barnes didn't even want to take a hit. Not one, and Tony had the best shit. If his dad overdosing when he was 17 and his mother getting piss ass drunk and driving her car into a tree at 19 because she never got over him meant getting Stark Industries and becoming one of the richest people on earth, it also meant he got good shit from the best. If the best was a Colombian drug cartel his dad used to be best pals with the leader, that was irrelevant.
"So it's the hospital."
"Yes." Steve fell quiet, and Steve quiet was never a good thing.
"We can sue 'em," Tony said simply.
"Tony no, we're not suing anyone." Steve shook his head.
"Why not?"
Tony knew the blond wasn't one to draw blood, not even when he's being sucked dry. He didn't want conflict, nor did he want the spotlight on Barnes. Barnes didn't want the spotlight on Barnes. Tony knew how Barnes was, the man wouldn't admit to having a fucking runny nose so why the fuck would he admit to the world that he's...
That he's dying.
"Okay. Uhh... if there is anyth-"
"I know, I know."
He looked at Steve, and he was shaking. He was shaking because the man that he loved was dying. The man that was in the hospital not 6 months ago from almost dying because of the fists of some homophobic assholes who didn't know how to leave well enough alone. He knew Steve wasn't aware of anything when Barnes went out for a smoke and he knew Barnes couldn't remember what happened like the whole night was in fog for him. It was probably a repressed memory but Steve also never asked after the hospital how Tony knew something was up. Tony was aware the whole night.
NOVEMBER 1984
Tony was having a good time, hell yeah.
He and Loki had gotten into a huge fight yesterday, and Tony had been cursed out in Swedish, had a shoe thrown at his head and was told "I never want to see your fucking face ever again Stark, you hear me. I'm done with your bullshit, Gå jävla själv jag älskade dig."
With that Loki stormed out leaving his precious coat behind. (Tony sent it to his brother Thor later on in that day with a response on the top of it. He didn't speak Swedish but since their anniversary was coming up he was picking up a few words, learning a sentence or two by a very expensive Swedish lady who had the prettiest hair on the fucking planet - he was jealous-, but he knew what "jag älskade dig" meant and the fact that was in past tense scared the crap out of him.)
They would fight, they would scream and yell but it always ended with one of them backing down and saying sorry and the two of them fucking like pornstars on whatever surface was closest. But this time it didn't. This time Loki left.
Now Tony didn't want to think about the fact that he might be single at this moment. He was in a bar with Stucky as he would call them, Tony claimed as the profound genius he was that, they're always together, they should share a name too. They were at a bar, Barnes was lookin' tall and gloomy, like always. Downing his whiskey. Steve was smiling and chatting with Nat. She was also gloomy - she was Barnes' female version and if he was the only one who saw it whatever. The only reason they all don't see it is because Nat has red hair and they can't mentally comprehend them being alike but whatever. He didn't even know where Barton was probably drooling over Steve's other friend Sam because they both were history majors in college and have to hash out weather or not the JFK assasination was a conspiracy or not but whatever. He didn't really like Sam only because he was Steve's "other friend" aka Steve's other very lose frined but still not Tony fucking Stark so Tony being, Tony fucking Stark he obviously wins.
Steve stopped talking to Nat and went to the bathroom. Bucky, from across the room looked, at him intensly. Steve, not being at all intimidated ( What the fuck Rogers, the man looks like he could kill someone with that umbrella stick in the drink of the woman next to him) fucking pushed his tongue out at him. Barnes smiled to himself and Tony was even more confused.
Now at some point, some random woman came up to Barnes. Tony watched from across the room while he was chatting with some random businessman who was kinda wasted. Bucky politely told the woman he wasn't interested but she only smirked to herself. Tony found it odd but, then again, women are all odd. He let it go. Later on, he and Steve were all at the bar with Bucky, and again Barnes wasn't really talkative so he told his boyfriend he was gonna go out take a smoke. Steve smiled at him and brushed his hand against Barnes' as he put his lighter on the bar counter.
While Barnes wasn't really a talkative or emotional man, Steve probably saw all through that bullshit. Tony knew the story that Barnes moved in with Sarah and Steve when he was 16. Knew that his mother was an abusive bitch and his father a drunk. Barnes squeezed Steve's hand back and left. As Bucky walked off Tony looked around and saw the woman point in Barnes' direction and a bunch of men smirking at each other as they started walking towards the back door.
"Steve."
Steve looked up, confused by Tony's serious voice. "Mhm?"
"Go check on your boyfriend."
"Why?" Steve was becoming a bit nervous.
"I don't know, just go, I'll be there in a minute."
Steve nodded and walked over towards the door. Tony had the worst feeling in his chest. He quickly ran to the bartender and as he was about the ask if he could call someone he heard someone scream. He dialed 911.
APRIL
"So...." Steve started an awkward conversation, obviously not wanting to talk about Barnes anymore.
"How's Loki?" he asked.
Tony smiled. After Loki stormed out on him back in November, Tony had called him in tears and told him what happened and he was there within 20 minutes. The only reason he and Loki got into a fight in the first place was because Tony was with pretty hair instructor trying to write a letter in Swedish and Loki thought he was cheating on him with her, given that Tony was very secretive about her and what he was doing that hour after lunch for the past month. Tony had also ordered Pepper, the pretty hair instructor, and everyone to not tell Loki what he was doing. Pepper broke when Loki convinced her to tell her, and she only told him where they were (Tony later on fired and rehired her.) When Loki barged in, Tony quickly got up and tried to stop him from coming inside the room. That was a bad move and Tony admits his plan had some holes but again he tried to make a plan in Swedish so...
Loki of course saw what Tony sent to Thor a few hours later because even if Thor was his adoptive brother, Loki would always go to him with his love life problems. Thor never gave a shit about the fact that Loki was gay, hell he knew before Loki did and when Loki told to inform him that he no longer enjoyed women, the only thing Thor did, not even looking up from his book was say finally and Loki left. Thor had stood by Loki's side when their father was kicking him out.
Loki had only came back from boarding school to tell his family that he was changing majors from politics to art because " he was sick of that financial bullshit, the world is going to shit anyways." That made their father as Loki would describe " freak the fuck out." Thor stood by his side and told Loki to move in with him, since he was a few years older and even when their father said he would pay tuition for an arts degree, Thor told him to fuck himself and paid for it himself. The fact that Loki was now one of the most asked for artists in New York, hell America itself, was payback for the money Thor spent. Their mother would later tell their father if he did not stop with his bullshit and put Loki back in his will, she would divorce him and take all the money.
And how the story went was that Loki came to Thor's place, Thor simply saying there is something waiting for him on the couch with a small smile. And when Loki saw what happend he freaked out. (Loki denies every part of this story but whatever.) He saw the note that Tony had sent and then Thor turned on the tv to tune out Loki's freak out. As much as he loved his brother, he was such a fucking drama queen. ( Thor's words not his.)
But, instead of hearing some bullshit story about firemen saving people or whatever, , he heard about Bucky. And when he came to the hospitalLoki and Tony went to the cafeteria and talked it out. Loki cried, Tony cried, Bucky almost died the full circle.
"He's fine, we're talking again." Tony smiled. He and Loki also got into a fight last week over what color the cereal box was. Tony won and Loki got pissed off and didn't talk to him for 8 hours.
Worst 8 hours of his life. (Not really but kinda,)
"Why did you get in a fight about again?" Steve asked. They argued so frequently that he couldn't even remember a time where he talked to Tony and about his relationship and the first words out of his mouth weren't " we fought."
But they loved eachother, in Swedish.
"Cereal box, you know he'll be over in like 20 minutes if you wanna stay and catch up. He misses you guys even though he won't say it." Tony grinned.
"Uhh I should go, Bucky..."
"Just go, and tell that jackass I'm a better mehanic, I went to MIT."
Steve sighed and leaned against the wall. "I went to MIT too, dude."
"Yeah, but who cares I'm the richest so I'm the best." Tony smirked as he started eating sushi... where the fuck did the sushi come from.
"Sweetheart, it doesn't work like that." Loki said as he walked in and gave Tony a kiss on the cheek.
"Also hello Steve, tell Bucky I said hi. I haven't seen you two in forever." he said as he sat down and started eating the sushi with his boyfriend.
Steve could swear they were soulmates, they both went to boarding schools most of their lives, had rich parents with a family empire, which Loki did not want any part of but wouldn't stress over telling Tony which of his ideas are absolutely terrible. They were so comfortable around each other, like they've known each other forever and not since 1980 and they were both so sarcastic and eccentric it was a mess to watch.
Steve said his goodbyes and left. When he got home, he expected to see Bucky watching tv, or polishing his tools, or fucking staring at the fucking wall. He didn't expect to see him asleep. It felt like it had been a lifetime since his boyfriend had a normal fucking nap. He would sometimes be so afraid to fall asleep that he would start shaking and right at the moment that it seemed like he would finally doze off he shook himself awake. Most of the time he couldn't be calm enought to even lie down without Steve. But now he was asleep on their bed. He'd probably passed out. He hasn't slept at all last night. He had had the biggest bags under his eyes in the morning and his face was all puffy, like he'd been crying. He was just tired. When Steve woke up he made him lie down in his lap and listen to his voice so he could doze off.
It lasted for an hour before Bucky woke up screaming for him.
But now Bucky was asleep, and, as he looked closer, Steve could see it was his shirt in Bucky's arms. But he was asleep. He had finally fallen asleep. Steve wanted to scream of joy. They were finally starting to get better, fuck HIV, fuck AIDS, fuck Reagan and his uselessness.
Bucky was asleep.