Unapologeticly Good
The whole night she spent laying in bed with her eyes wide open, thinking about her life and who she was. Thinking about her past.
Not the kind of thoughts that put you to sleep- the kind that kept you awake and on edge.
For some strange, almost impossible reason she was cold- despite the body behind her. Karen knew it was probably the stress of the past few days- hell past few months, that made her feel like a crazy person.
It was almost as if her life were on pause at the moment- she could hardly remember a time in the recent months that she felt anywhere near normal. Work flew by whenever she went in, and Karen had a feeling Ellison must somewhat know something is going on with her because none of her work had been up to par lately, but he didn’t say anything- and for that she was grateful. She hadn’t seen Matt since that night, but Karen didn’t really want to see him. Especially now who knows what he would hear if he listened too closely.
Sadly Karen hadn’t seen or spoken to Foggy in what felt like forever, but it was almost as if they were on two totally separate paths at the moment that hadn’t crossed in a long while, and it was sad. But not like she couldn’t fix that if she really wanted too.
That was the problem though.
Karen didn’t want to fix anything at the moment- she just wanted to get through this shitstorm she was currently living in and that meant not dealing with anything but the goings on of the people around her.
Like the man next to her.
Karen could feel Frank’s breath on the back of her neck, she felt the weight of his heavy arm on her stomach- she felt him and his silent presence and was grateful. Because as much as it hurt to hear some of the things he said to her in the tub that night- Karen would rather him say it to her face than tip toe around her, she would rather his honesty force her to wake up than have him ignore her pain. She was so grateful for Frank- for every part of him, the good and bad. And she knew.
She loves him.
Karen Page loves Frank Castle.
And she doesn’t deserve him.
Despite how much he might think he was some terrible person who didn’t deserve happiness, Frank was wrong. It was her who didn’t deserve his love.
Karen kept her tears silent, not wanting to wake him up- but somehow he knew anyway, somehow he felt her quiet sobs. That’s how it was with Frank- he just knew.
“You good?” His sleep roughened voice shook her to her very soul.
All Karen could do was nod.
Apparently it wasn’t convincing enough, “No. Tell me.”
It wasn’t a question, but it was still hard to answer. Hard to put into words.
“I’m selfish...”
There was a pause after she spoke softly to the man behind her, “What?”
“I’m selfish and I don’t think about other people, I’m a mess.” Karen didn’t need to look behind her she could feel Frank shaking his head in response.
“You’re wrong ma’am. You are probably one of the least selfish people I know- and honestly I think maybe... maybe right now it’s okay to be a little selfish.” Frank was trying to make her look at him, but she wasn’t moving.
Karen couldn’t let him convince her otherwise, “It's not fair to Sophie. She deserves better, I’m a parent now- and being a parent means it doesn’t matter what I’m going through. I just got to suck it up and.... and be there for her.”
Frank shifted in the bed beside her, sitting up to lean against her headboard- she could hear his head leaning back. Yet still she refused to look at him- only listened to the silence that hung between the two, “Now you don’t believe that do you? You don’t really believe that it doesn’t matter what’s going on with you. Because if that were true- if that’s how you planned on raising her, you wouldn’t be her mom. You’d be some shell of a woman who happened to let Sophie live in your house. And I know that’s not you. I know for a god damn fact that you love her. Now what’s this really about?”
The pillow beneath her cheek felt wet and uncomfortable with tears and snot, but Karen didn’t want another knowing the next pillow would have the exact same fate. Her heart squeezed before she even considered putting to words the thoughts that had been going through her head ever since she found out, “I’m- I'm not good. Not as good as I want to be, not as good as I should be. I’m not evil, but I’m not good either. And.....”
She could feel that Frank wanted to interrupt and denounce her thinking but he was patient, waiting for her to finish her thought.
“And he certainly is nowhere near good. Is evil- was evil.” Franks breath hitches and she could only assume he somewhat knew where this was going, but Karen had to say it. Had to put it out there for the universe to hear.
“So if he is evil, and I’m not good- than this... this baby has no chance. Is cursed to be bad, right? And that’s all I can think about, because if I’m being honest- If this had happened before Sophie I can almost guarantee you that I would have gotten an abortion and it wouldn’t have even been a question. But now I have Sophie, and Sophie is great. So what if... what if this baby is great too? But what if I’m wrong and he’s cursed to be exactly like his father?”
Karen’s eyes blurred and her head hurt from how long she had been crying, she wasn’t sure how many tears she had left in her- would they ever end?
She was wallowing I’m self pity and silence when his rough voice startled her from her sobs, “That’s bullshit.”
”Excuse me?” At this point Karen could t help but sit up and look at him incredulously- furious he might have thought her fears were anywhere near bullshit.
“It’s bullshit if you think I would let that happen. If I would ever let your kid be anything like him. Not on my watch. And you know it.” She couldn’t help but gulp at the depth of emotion both in his eyes and his words.
His words sounded of a devotion every person on this world craved- a promise of never feeling that loneliness again.
”And how do I know it?” It wasn’t angry or questioning, she spoke in a whisper that practically begged him to tell her over and over again that it would be okay.
Frank leaned forward and pressed his forehead to hers before whispering his next words, “You know it because all you gotta do is look at Sophie. Look at that sweet, beautiful little girl, and try to tell me her shitbag parents have anything to do with how amazing she is. Sophie is the way she is because of you, because you are good- because you are Karen fucking Page!”
She had heard him say that to her before but somehow this meant more- somehow him telling her her name made it seem like she could conquer the world. “Because of you too, not just me. Who knows how she’d be without you, Frank.”
For the first time that night Karen saw a small smile grace his otherwise serious face, before getting back to business- “Because if this is something you want- Karen if you want to keep this baby, than we won’t let him be anything like Billy. I promise, okay?”
“Okay...”
”Okay.”
Frank reached across her and picked up her wet pillow before switching it for his own and pulled her down with him. Both of Franks massive arms wrapped around her- cocooning Karen in warmth, safety, and something that could only be described in what she hoped was love.