Never Left Behind

 “Helloo? Karen?”

His heart rate was picking up.

“Karen!?”

God dammit!

 “You better say something, woman. I swear to god if your hurt, I'm gonna-”

The voice cut him off, “F-Frank?”

  The soft voice startled him.

It was something he wasn't expecting.

  And it made him start to sweat.

He didn't know how he knew, but he did.

  Frank knew something was wrong.

And despite how he didn't believe anymore- he prayed.

  To anyone listening.

God let them be okay-

 PLEASE…..

“S- God dammit, why do you have Karen’s phone, Soph?”

  She was silent.

“What is it? What’s wrong?”

Frank waited with his breath stuck in his throat, knowing it couldn't be good- he walked back into the room and clipped Duck’s leash on and without a word he started walking out the church heading towards the apartment.

 “It's M- I mean Karen. It's Karen…”

His heart was racing, and all he could think was at this rate he wasn't gonna die by any bullet or anything, but by heart attack. “What happened? Is someone there?”

 “No- I guess she’s fine. Kinda?”

His brow furrowed and his step faltered, Frank couldn't understand what she meant- Soph had sounded worried like something was wrong. But then she said Karen was fine?

 “Kinda? What do you mean Soph? Are you in trouble? Is she okay?”

“I don't know…” Frank could hear the tears in her voice and knew he had to calm the little girl down.

 “Just breathe… Now tell me what happened, okay?”

He heard Sophie take a few deep breaths before she began, “Karen came and picked me up from school like usual, she told me we would make dinner early since you weren't coming home till late. We made dinner, but she wasn't hungry- so only I ate. Then she told me I could watch some episodes of Paw Patrol on Netflix- and I was excited, because usually she doesn't let me watch a lot on Thursdays cause movi night is tomorrow, y’know-”

  “Okay, sweetie get to the point.”

“Oh right, well she was gonna go take a bath- I was watching my show when I saw that I had watched a few episodes and she still wasn't out of the bathroom.” Her voice wavered and Frank wasn't sure if it was because she was about to say something awful, or because Sophie had a dew bad experiences with parents and the bathtub.

 Karen talked about it all the time how frustratingly sad it was that Sophie was so afraid of having a bath, the little girl insisted on having a shower instead- “And then?”

 “I wasn't sure if I was aloud to watch anymore, so I went and knocked on the door- she didn't answer so I just opened it. It was unlocked- I swear… And she was just-”

 She stopped for a moment, and Frank's footsteps stopped altogether, the leash pulling before Duck walked back to stand at his master's feet. All Frank could think was what if he didn't know how serious it really was with Karen, and what if something really awful had happened- what would he do?

  “What happened? What was she doing, Soph?”

“She didn't even look up when I called for her- it was like she couldn't hear me…”

 “What was she doing?”

“Just sitting there- crying… I tried to call for her, but I- I was scared. I don't know why she’s crying, and she’s still in there- And I know i'm not supposed to go in her purse, but I didn't know what to do- I had to call you… Are you mad?”

 Mad? At her? Not in a million years- scared? Of course. He was scared shitless- All Frank could think was what if it was worse…

 “No, of course not sweetie- I could never be mad at you… Just wait for me. I'll be there soon, okay?”

  She breathed out a sigh of what could only be relief- “Okay…”

“Okay. I'll be there any minute.” Frank heard Sophie hang up with a click, and his pace quickened while he dialed another number- knowing she couldn't be there for this.

 -------

 Frank put his key in the lock while waving at Ms Jackson from down the hall, trying his best to seem as calm as possible- not wanting to freak Sophie out with how stressed he really was.

 He opened the door and before he could close it behind him- a fifty pound kid slammed into his legs. Sophie was clinging to his legs, and he bent down to pick her up- and his heart was broken in two. She was bawling her little heart out- and it tore into him, Franks throat was clogged with emotion.

  But he knew what he had to do, so with her in his arms Frank walked straight into Sophie’s room. He picked up her backpack, and shoved her pj’s inside, and extra set of clothes another pair of sneakers, her toothbrush and hairbrush before zipping it closed. Frank was rubbing Soph’s back, trying to sooth her when he walked out the apartment and headed into the garage. He pulled the car seat from his truck and walked out the underground until he stood on the sidewalk. “What are we doing?”

 “You're gonna go and have a sleepover…”

She pulled her head back, and looked at him with confusion- “Sleepover?”

 Frank was about to respond when the car pulled up in front of them, the window rolled down and David’s curly hair greeted him from the driver side.

 “Hey kiddo, Leo is real excited to see you- hey Frank!”

Both adults got out of the car, David opened the door and started to strap Sophies car seat in while Frank reasured her it was all in good fun.

 “But why am I going?”

“It’s gonna be fun-”

 “NO! Tell me the truth!”

“I- I need to help Karen, Soph.”

  “I need to help her too! I should be there!”

“Not today, Soph- it's grown up talk, tonight. You can come home tomorrow, and help her then.” She was struggling against him, but Frank started strapping her in anyway- knowing it was for her own good.

 “No! I have to be there- I have to be the one to do it!!”

His heart was in his stomach, weighing him down- “I'm sorry, Soph.”

 He closed the door on her, but he could hear her cries from behind the door- Frank turned towards David and didn't have to say anything. As cheesy as it was his eyes said it all- how thankful he was David could do this for him- how Sophie’s cries were killing him- how worried he was for Karen- and how angry he was at himself that he hadn't handled this earlier, that he had let this whole situation get worse and worse. Frank was trying his best to listen to Curtis’s advise, to let her be the one to come to him- but it was hard to just let this happen.

 He watched as David drove away with a screaming Soph in the backseat- and it tore at his heart as he walked back into the building, knowing he and Karen were most likely gonna have an argument. And that’s why he needed Soph not to be there- he didn't want her to worry, didn't want her to hear it all.

  But he knew what had to be done- he had to confront her. He had to make her talk, and the only way he could make her talk wasn't very nice. He had to make her mad- Frank knew he couldn't just ask her to talk to him, that wouldn't work- he would have to make her mad, make her scream at him until she felt better.

 He opened the door to the bathroom- the only light was the small lamp on the counter that barely made a difference, she was basically shrouded in darkness. Frank flicked on the light and saw her flinch- Karen sat in the tub with her arms wrapped around her knees, her head hidden in the corners of her arms.

 Frank didn't say anything just moved to sit on the closed toilet- he refused to be the one to speak first, he wanted her to acknowledge his presence. He wanted her to know this wasn't good.

 It was a few minutes before he heard a muffled whisper, “What are you doing here? I thought it was thursday- thought you had a meeting.”

  “I did- I was there, then I got a call- from Sophie. She was scared- and I had to come running over here because she was freaking out.”

 “I- i'm sorry, she in bed?”

Frank shook his head before rubbing his face knowing this was gonna be hard, “I'm not the one you should be apologizing too. And no- she’s not her. She’s at David’s. I thought it best, that she not be here- for this.”

  She was silent- and his blood was boiling, he wanted her to scream at him, yell at him- do anything but be quiet.

“What were you thinking?! Karen- You know what happened to her mother, and it happened in a fucking tub too! She was so afraid! And Soph didn't want to leave either- she wanted to stay behind for some crazy reason, but I wouldn't let her. Do you know why she wanted to stay behind? You gonna answer or no? She wanted to stay here because she fucking loves you, because you're her goddamn mother- but right now you're not acting very ‘motherly’. You're acting like a child- pouting and forgetting about your responsibilities..”

 He didn't mean it- and he knew he was saying some fucked up shit, but he needed her to start talking. And if the only way for her to talk was to yell and scream at him- then so be it.

  “You don't get to lecture me, Frank! I- This is fucking- You wouldn't understand!” Finally she was talking- screaming more like it, but it was something.

  So he yelled right back, “Then make me- help me understand! Make me understand, help me, Karen- because this… This isn't healthy.”

 “I-”

“C’mon, Karen..”

Tears were rolling down her cheeks, and he couldn't tell if they were sad or angry tears- probably a mix of both.

  “My-”

She kept starting then stopping, and he needed her to just do it- just get it out.

  “Just talk to me-”

“You- you want the truth? There is no truth, no one wants to hear the truth- I go through my life, I go to work, I do all this shit that makes me look normal- that makes me feel normal. But that’s not the truth- it's the truth I want it to be, what you want it to be- the truth that everybody wants it to be. I can't forget the real truth, Frank- I just get better at lying about it, about lying to myself. But the truth is… I'm not normal- not anymore.”

  She was just getting started- getting it off her chest, and he wouldn't stop her no matter how much he wanted to comfort her.

 “But the truth- it's not important! Nobody wants the truth, look at my life- I have to much to do for the truth to be important, I'm too busy to acknowledge the fact that I have to get used to smiling through my pain. All I do is lie- lie to everyone, lie to myself… And I am done trying to be perfect- trying to be what everyone else wants. I can't be that.”  

  Frank moved forward and tried to put his hand on her shoulder, but she shrugged it off- and he tried not to admit how much it hurt. “You're a survivor, Karen- you're a fighter. You can't give up…”

  “A survivor? Frank, my life is tearing me apart. I don't feel safe, I'm alive- but I feel like things have been taken from me that I can't get back.”  

 “I won't tell you I know how you feel, because I don't- but you're wrong. There are things that cannot be taken from you- not from you. You're Karen fucking Page- and that little shit cannot take your strength, because that's what you are. Your strong- through and through. And It won't feel like it now, but I know that in time you will get through this. Not for me, not for anyone else but you. You're gonna get through this for you- because you are STRONG! You're smart, you're Karen Page. And that means something.”

 For the first time that night, she actually looked at him- not through him with anger, but at him with a sadness that broke his heart. “I thought this could be one of those things, where if you don't talk about it- it would go away. But Frank, it's not going away- I can't forget. Especially not now.”

 What? What did that mean?

“I'm not smart, Frank- I'm fucking stupid…”

  “No you are not. Your smarter than almost anyone I know, Karen.”

“Did you know after- after Kevin died, I cried everyday for months. Everyday. Some days were good, I’d be happy- then I would think what right did I have to be happy when my brother was gone, and I'd cry. All the time. And crying like that affects your body, I went to the doctor and he told me your emotions, and putting your body through that much strain can change you. Can affect your cycle- can make you sick or even make your hair fall out.”

  He wasn't sure where she was going with this, was unsure what she was talking about- why she had brought up her brother was a mystery.

 “I thought that's what this was, I thought I was putting my body through the emotional ringer with all the crying and the nightmares and the puking. But I was so stupid- I should have been smarter-”

 Franks brows furrowed, “What are you talking about?”

 “I was so dumb, I didn't notice when the crying got more erratic, or the puking was happening all day long- I should have known better, but I was trying so hard to forget that night- that I almost blocked out the whole night altogether…”

  What is she saying?

“What are you talking about, Karen?”

  “I'm pregnant! I'm fucking pregnant! With Billy FUCKING RUSSO’S KID!” She screamed it, and he was silent.

 For once he was silent.

He didn't know what to say.

  Frank was without answers.

Without words.

 “I- uh…” Frank stuttered.

She looked at him, and he stared back- this was why she was stuck in this tub, what had been wrong.

 “How- uh.. How long have you known?”

 Karen swallowed, “Officially I found out today- but I think subconsciously I kinda figured it out a few days ago, but didn't want to acknowledge it.”

 “What are you- do you know what you want to do?”

“No, I- I don't know what i'm gonna do….”

  He knew she had more to say, Franks hand felt the water- an ice cold temperature, something she shouldn't be in anymore. So he picked her up- picked her up under the knees and behind the back, naked, wet, and slippery. He put her under the covers and waited for her to say something- say anything. And he would wait all night long if he had too.