Never Left Behind

    The soft rain fell on Frank as he stood outside the small church with Duck sitting at his side, after Billy’s donations stopped the group had to move to a new location. And the basement of St. Mathews was both cheap and spacious- perfect for the Thursday night meetings Curtis hosted weekly.

 He was at least half an hour early this week, and was waiting for Curtis before entering the place- not totally comfortable bringing Duck in by himself, prefering to bring the dog inside with Curtis by his side. Frank had brought Duck by one Thursday after Karen and Soph had been out the whole day, he brought him inside and was unsure if it would be okay- and it was a hit. All the former vets loved having the attention hogging dog to comfort them whenever it was their turn to speak- so Frank brought Duck with him to meetings every few weeks.

  “Hey, Frank!” He heard his name being called, and looked up at the man walking towards him. Curtis looked happy and healthy, something everyone who came to this meeting could only hope for.

  “Hey man- I brought Duck….” Curtis kept walking, expecting Frank to follow him inside.

“I can see that, the guys will be happy about it.”  They were walking through the building- a place where he might have come if he still believed, a notion he no longer held close to his heart.

  “Yeah, well he’s pretty good with em and he likes coming by- so I figured why not? Y’know?”

 Curtis nodded his head at him as they walked down the steps into the basement, once the door was closed Frank unclipped Duck’s leash and let him wander around the room- sniffing everything.

 Without needing to be asked Frank helped Curtis take out and set up the chairs into their regular circle- they were working in a comfortable silence that Frank didn't want to break, but knew it had to be done.

 “So….” Curtis started.

Frank knew it was an unasked question, but still put it off- “So?”

  “So… How is everything?”

Frank avoided eye contact with his friend and continued to put down chairs, “With Karen?”

  “With everything.”

Frank knew it was what Curtis was asking, but waited a few minutes before answering. It was one of the few good things about talking with Curtis, he felt no rush- Frank knew he didn't have to speak until he was ready.

   “It's- It's been hard. Really hard.” And it was the truth, it had been hard- it was definitely harder than he expected it to be.

  “Really?”

“Yeah, I mean- it's been almost three months since Billy, since that night. And I don't know what I'm supposed to do- she won't talk to me. Won't say anything about that night.”

 Franks gaze met the epenthetic brown eyes of his old friend, “Has it been uncomfortable- between you two?”

 “No- no, no she's great… With Soph, with me, with work- for all intents and purposes, she's ‘happy’- but….”

  The air quotes Frank had made around the word happy, hadn't gone unnoticed, “But?”

“But she’s not- she’s not ‘Karen Page’- she’s this robot version of Karen. And I don't know what to do…” Curtis could hear the defeated tone of his friends and knew this was serious, that this was something that had been stewing in him for a while.

  This version of Frank could only come out when he was truly desperate- when there was nothing left he could do that he hadn't tried before.

 “Well she’s been through a lot, you both have. It's understandable to be changed after such a traumatic experience- you know that, Frank.”

 Frank sighed before dropping himself into the uncomfortable metal chair, his head fell in his hands, “I know- you know I know. And that's what I expected after, a different Karen- a changed Karen. I was expecting her to be different, but this is like shes just pretending it never happened- and she might be able to do that. But- but I don't think I can. I can't forget that I couldn't protect them, that I couldn't protect protect her- I can't forget that… I just want to talk about it- about how she feels, and I know it'll be good for her- it’ll be good for her to let it out, not bottle it up. And it doesn't have to me, she doesn't have to talk about it with me- although I’d prefer it, but I'm just- Just tell me what to do. What to say.”

    Curtis sat across the circle, in the chair opposite him- he knew Frank was having trouble with this, but was unsure what he wanted. “Well why’re you asking me for? You want me to talk to her? I barely know her- only met her once, maybe twice. I don't think I'm qualified, Frank.”

  “No I don't want you to talk to her- I want you to tell me what to say to her. Besides look at what you do here. You get men like me to tell you their problems, to tell a whole group of people what's wrong with them. So what should I say that will make her open up?”

  Curtis scoffed, “There is no formula to grief, Frank. It's all different- everyone deals with grief differently. But no matter how different it's not easy, there is no easy fix- you know that.”

   A lone tear trailed down Franks cheek, and as subtle as he could- Frank swiped the back of his hand to brush it away.

 A tear of sadness.

A tear frustration.

 A tear for her.

A tear for himself.

  That one tear had a lot of emotion in it- and somehow Duck knew it, the good boy coming over to rest his head on his owners knee.

Frank rubbed him behind the ear- listening to Curtis continue, “If there was you don't think I'd bottle that shit up and force it down everyone's throats- If there was some way I could make people tell me how to help them, I would. But you can't force it. I mean, look at you- you don't think if I could’ve I would have grabbed you by the scruff of your neck, tied you to a chair and made you tell me what had happened after Maria. But it doesn't work that way.”

 Frank nodded his head, knowing it was the truth but wanting to find a way around it, wanting there to be a faster way to help his Karen from anything else. “I know- I know that, but there has to be a way to help her. I can't just sit around and wait, twiddling my fingers.”

 “You are helping her, just by being there- you might not think so, but it's true. But Frank, grief is grief- loss is loss. And what you went through is different than what Karen went through, but in a lot of ways- really similar. And from you've told me, I think she's doing great- I think she's doing amazing for only being three months since her assault. It might feel like a lifetime to you, but in reality three months isn't that long- and if she’s still following through on her responsibilities, with you, with Sophie, and even with work, than that's a win in my book. But you want me to be real honest, Frank?”

  “You know that I do, Curt.”

The man got up from his seat to pour himself and Frank a cup of coffee before continuing, “I think Karen is gonna be fine- in time. And you have to be patient, but the reason it's so urgent for you is because you're projecting.”

  Frank accepted the steaming cup with a questioning tilt to his brow, “Projecting?”

“Yes- you're thinking of the trauma of what happened to you. What happened with Maria and the kids, and you're thinking of how you dealt with it. Becoming the punisher- this shell of a man. And you don't want that to happen to her, don't want her to have to go through something like that…”

   He mulled it over in his head- was the reason he was so frightened for Karen because he was afraid she would freak out after a while, and do something crazily unpredictable? Yes- he was afraid of that. Afraid that the way she might deal with this could be destructive- to herself, and unintentionally Soph.

  Frank was silently thinking when he heard it- the reassuring sound of his friends voice, “It's not gonna happen.”

 “Huh?”

Curtis stood in front of Frank and put a hand on his shoulder, “It's never gonna happen for Karen, because as similar as both your situations might be in the greif department- it's different for her. Not to say that either of your losses are anything less- but it's different for her than it was for you.”

  “How so?”

“For one- after you lost your family you had no one- I mean you had me, you thought you had Bill- but there was nothing there for you that made you want to keep living. Everything was gone in that one day- Karen has you, she has Soph, she has Duck- If she was really too far gone, she wouldn't care what happened to Soph- Karen would be too wrapped up in her own misery to keep trying. But she is- trying I mean. And that means a lot, that there is something there to hold her afloat- to force her hand, to make her want to keep going. You didn't have that. So you have to let it run its course- you can't rush her. It's not fair.”

   Frank knew he was right- Curtis always knew what to say, how to make Frank see sense. For that, he was grateful- “I'm being a hypocrite, aren't I? I mean I went full crazy, all out Punisher. That's gotta be the definition of hypocrite, right?”

 “Kinda- yeah.” Curtis smiled while answering, and before another word could be said they both burst out laughing.

 It was another ten minutes of absolute insanity before Frank was somewhat serious again, “I'm just so worried about her, y’know?”

 “I know, bud. But there's really nothing you can do…”

Frank pleaded with the man, silently begging for something- anything that could make it better, “Nothing?”

 “No- other than be there and constantly tell her you're there for her when she's ready- that's all you can do.” Frank nodded at his friend, only slightly relieved he could at  least tell Karen in some little way he was worried about her.

 He was about to continue talking when the first of many  of the meeting members walked through the door. Frank sat straighter in his seat, and called Duck to sit right beneath his feet- not wanting the dog to get too excited before everyone arrived and the door was closed once again.

 It was seven fifty eight, only two minutes before group started- and though there was only one other person in the room besides Curtis and himself, Frank knew they would show up. Most guys didn't show up until right on the dot, or a few minutes after. Frank could understand- it was hard to admit to yourself you needed to come to this meeting, that you needed to be her, so usually they waited to the last minute to arrive. Having usually spent a few minutes before leaving their house telling themselves they didn't need to come- that they were better.

  But as much as you might tell yourself that- it usually wasn't true. Because if you had to try and convince yourself you were alright- it should be a sign that you're not- alright that is.  

 Frank shouldn't be one to talk, he spent months telling himself he didn't need to be here- but after the first meeting he knew he was wrong. It felt good to get it off his chest to people who understood- and that's why he was so passionate about Karen doing the same. Frank wanted Karen to let this go, because he knew this kind of grief could fester and grow- building from the inside out until one day it's just as visible on the outside as it feels on the inside. He knew what happened would forever be with her- it would never go away. She would always remember it- always see it, always watch it behind her eyelids- at least that's how it was for him. But what he had to do was help her find something to mask it, to shove it to the background- a way to make her life right now be the forefront of her mind. Frank knew if this was just brushed under the rug, the nightmares would never stop= there would never be any reprieve. He already knew his dreams were still with him- his nightmares, but what made it better was waking up to this. This life- this new life he made for himself, a simple life with Karen, and Soph, and the Lieberman’s, and thursday night group with Curt- this was how he made the nightmares fade. They were still there- but now his mind was filled with blonde hair, and happy smiles, from both his girls.

  And that's what he wanted for Karen- something that could make it easier. It would be hard, but necessary.

  Frank hadn't realized he had been spacing until a new guy started speaking- speaking about his time over there, in war. And it killed him- to look at these young kids and not want to be the one to protect them from the horror of what they saw. It was how he felt every week he came by here, a sense of why he had enlisted in the first place- the need to fight and protect.

  By the end of his story the were all laughing, something they didn't do often in group- but the was funny, telling them all how he planned to go and become a comedian after this- hoping for a call for SNL- he was a hoot.

  That's when his phone rang.

A strange occurrence for a thursday night.

  And Curt wasn't happy about the interruption.

Like a crazy ol’ librarian who hated technology.

  “Sorry, I gotta take this- she normally doesn't call on thursdays, Karen knows I have group.”

  The funny kid got a jape in, “Oooh is that your ol’ lady? Tell her hi for me?”

“Ah shut up….” Frank couldn't hide the smile.

 Or the laugh when he answered the phone, “Hello?”

Frank walked out the basement door, needing a bit more privacy.

 “Helloo? Karen?”

His heart rate was picking up.

 “Karen!?”

God dammit!
  “You better say something, woman. I swear to god if your hurt, I'm gonna-”

The voice cut him off, “F-Frank?”

   The soft voice startled him.

It was something he wasn't expecting.

   And it made him start to sweat.

He didn't know how he knew, but he did.

   Frank knew something was wrong.

And despite how he didn't believe anymore- he prayed.

   To anyone listening.

God let them be okay-

  PLEASE…..

“S- God dammit, why do you have Karen’s phone, Soph?”

   She was silent.

“What is it? What’s wrong?”

  All he could do was pray to the God he thought he had long ago abandoned- hoping it wouldn't be what he thought.

   Cause all he could think was the worst.