Chapter 32
Blood.
Smiles.
Warm.
Wet.
Sticky blood.
Teeth.
Hot blood.
Burning.
His blood.
Tears.
Billy’s blood.
Tangy blood.
Metallic.
She can taste it.
It's in her mouth.
It's in her mind.
The blood.
His blood.
Billy’s.
Salty blood.
She can feel in her throat.
Coming up.
In the mirror.
Smiles.
On the bed.
All the blood.
His blood.
Karen shot up- right out of her dream. No- out of her nightmare. And she felt it, the same thing she felt every time she had this dream. The bile rising in her throat- the same nightmare she’d been having for over a week now.
Every morning since it happened- she woke up and she threw up. Karen couldn't help it, she threw the sheets off her clammy body and ran to the bathroom.
All she could do was pray she would make it- having already had a miss once this week. Karen had thought this would be a one time thing- a nightmare she would inevitably see, but this was different.
The seat was already up- in anticipation of this happening, she vomited up all that was left in her stomach. It wasn't much- after the first few times she decided it was better not to have a heavy dinner if she didn't want to throw it all up anyway.
She heaved.
It was awful.
She tried to keep her hair out of the way.
It was no use.
She would have to take a shower anyway.
It made her lightheaded.
She couldn't stop.
It kept coming up.
The tears trailed down her cheeks- unavoidable and unstoppable. No matter how hard she tried, Karen couldn't keep the tears away- all day she would keep the tears at bay… But here- here in this bathroom was the only place she could cry. It was only here on this floor that she could cry- without anyone from work asking questions, without Sophie seeing it. This was the only place tears were acceptable.
The only place she didn't have to pretend.
Her head was pounding.
Everything hurt.
That's when she felt the hands- his hands holding her hair back. And she felt awful- that he had to be here for this, that he was seeing her like this, that she woke him. Frank was amazingly helpful this whole week- but as helpful as he had been, having him here twenty four seven was suffocating. Not because she didn't want him with her- but because he was so worried about her. It was sweet sure, but it was hard to admit to being dependent on anyone after so many years on her own.
Frank pulled her hair out of the way and into a ponytail on the nape of her neck, so she could puke without worrying about her hair getting totally disgusting.
After it was only dry heaves left, she knew it was over- there was nothing left to come up- her head rested on the lip of the toilet, and she thought there couldn't be a lower point than this. Loving this floor- loving the freedom she had in the bathroom- the bathroom?
But yes- it was the bathroom she loved most, it was the only place she didn't need to put on a mask for the world. Karen could rest her head on the toilet and pretend this was her safe place. And that thought was miserable.
“I'm sorry… Did I wake you?” He was silent behind her, rubbing his hand up and down her back- the only physical support he knew how to give at this point.
“No- no, I uh-it wasn't you, you weren't that loud- but I was actually kinda cold without you.” Her eyes brimmed with tears and she smiled- this beautifully sweet man was here trying to help her. And she didn't know how to thank him.
“You gotta talk to me Kare- it's been over a week and this can't be healthy… Was it about Billy- your nightmare?” Frank was unsure how to get his question across- a crazy situation, a fragile topic that he had no clue how to fix.
“Kinda… But also not-” His eyebrows furrowed in shock and confusion.
Confusion at the answer- not answer.
Shock that this was the most he had gotten out of her in that whole week- Karen wouldn't talk about it. Wouldn't say a word- and he didn't feel right pushing her. So he let her decide what she would tell him. He prayed that eventually she would tell him everything- but until then he would wait.
“It starts happy- with you, and Soph- and I'm happy….. And then I'm in a bathroom or a hallway or a closet- always somewhere with a mirror-” Mirror? Frank was confused at where this was going, but let her continue anyway- knowing this was up to her. “I'm looking in the mirror- smiling. Because I'm happy- and then my teeth are red, and there's blood. I don't know how, but I know that it's his. That it's his blood coming out my mouth- but I'm still smiling….”
Frank’s heart was breaking for her, breaking because he had no clue how to help her- “Having nightmares about his blood is natural…”
“It's not the blood that gets me sick- I mean it kindo of is, but mostly it the feeling inside myself. I'm happy- I'm elated that I did it. I'm happy that I shoved that necklace into his throat- your necklace… And all I can feel is joy,”
Her hand covered her mouth and Frank knew- he knew what this was about… He knew this wasn't the first person she had killed- but this was different. This was personal. And she was confused at the feeling inside her- she must have thought herself a monster. A thought he had had about himself on multiple times throughout his life.
“It was different than I thought it would be- it's not like in the movies where you cut someone's throat and they immediately die- no! I cut his throat while he was on top of me and his eyes bulged like they were shocked I had done it- then his hands wrapped around my throat while he bled out, he choked me until all his strength was drained.… His blood covered me and all I can think about is how my mouth was probably open and I probably got a lot of his blood in my- in my mouth. After he bled out he slumped on me and I didn't move for a while- I just let him bleed on top of me until I finally pushed him off, and i didn't move. I didn't try to get out of the bed- I just layed there in a pool of his blood. And it makes me sick- physically sick…. Not only that I can taste his blood in my mouth but the feeling inside of me makes me sick to my stomach- I don't know what to do….”
Frank was close to tears- tears of sadness for her, and tears of frustration at himself- that he didn't know what to do. But he kept them in- this wasn't his time to cry- to grieve, this was her time.
He didn't know what to say, “Come- come back to bed, you've got work in a couple of hours, then we have the party later. You need your rest….”
Karen shook her head at him, knowing that going to bed was the last thing she needed- “No, I think i'm gonna go for a run.”
“A run? Karen it's like four forty five in the morning- come back to bed.” Frank was shocked his Karen was so against sleep that she would suggest running at this time of day- but knew he couldn't stop her.
He waited in bed for her for the better part of an hour, until his eyes slipped shut- finally falling asleep in the comforting scent of Karen's bed. But it wasn't until later that he finally relaxed- when he felt her sweaty arms wrap around him that he really went into a deep sleep.
Karen lay awake behind him for hours- her eyes begging to be allowed to shut, but she refused to let them close- afraid of the images that would find her in dreamland.
She didn't move until seven- earlier than she needed to get ready for work, but okay with starting early knowing she needed to leave before usual time later that night if she wanted to make it to the Lieberman's.
It was one of the only things she was looking forward too- a few days earlier Sophie had found the paperwork for her adoption and ruined the surprise adoption party the family had planned. She was so excited it made Karen feel at least slightly better- that she was able to keep her little girl from the nightmares she had- that she had been able to protect her in that sense.
It was especially exciting making Sophie promise she would pretend she had no idea what the party was about- of only to make Sarah feel better about this excuse to have both families back together since Thanksgiving.
Her heart ached in a terribly beautiful way that Soph wanted Karen to be her mom, making every day with her brighter than the last. And here was Frank, sweet and amazing Frank- all the parents at her preschool having no idea the Punisher was there for the past week at nine and five to drop off and pick the little girl up.
Karen sat at the island in the middle of the Lieberman kitchen, the lights were dimmed and the candles on the cake were lit waiting for Sophie to blow out. She had wanted to go and buy the cake from the local bakery down the street, but when Sarah had insisted on making it herself Karen couldn't turn her down. Looking at the cake now, Karen was sure she made the right choice- a chocolate cake with vanilla frosting and strawberries, and in the center written in red frosting;
Karen + Sophie
FOREVER
(and Frank)
From the squealing, it was obvious Sophie loved it too. Karen looked over at Sarah and tears brimmed in her eyes, and for the first time in a while- they were happy. Happy tears. She was choked up with emotion as the woman beside her grabbed her hand underneath the table- Karen wasn't sure how much Sarah knew about what had happened, but she knew she wouldn't be able to express with words how much this night meant. A night about Sophie. A night she could try and forget how miserable she is- and Karen knew there were no words she could say to thank Sarah for her silent support. So she looked back at her and squeezed back, before mouthing, ‘Thank you’
Sarah nodded back at her, then grabbed the serving knife and started cutting. Sophie stood on the stool, her tiny hands under her chin and her but up in the air- “I want the a big piece- and I want it the Karen piece- ya wanna know why?”
Leo indulged her and asked, “Why’s that?”
“Cuz Karen’s my mom now!!” She screamed and Karen couldn't help but laugh- a heart filling, joyful laugh. Frank looked back at her as she tipped back the glass of red wine, with a smile on his face- knowing his girl was finally having a good night. He wasn't sure how to make every night like this, how to make her happy as often as possible- but he knew he would try.
“Here’s your piece Sophie, then one for Leo and Zach- how bout you two? Want big pieces too?” David handed the three kids their slices, before asking what Frank and Karen wanted.
He watched as she smiled back at David and got up from her seat, “I just can't say no to cake, now can I?”
“No you can not, Miss Missy.” Hearing her laugh was like music to Frank’s ears, no matter that it was David who was making her laugh- this was what she needed. She needed people- people who cared and wanted the best for her. And that's what the Liebermans could be for her- along with Sophie and himself.
“Okay, okay- give my piece to Frank, I got to make a run to the little girls room.”
Frank watched her go, before grabbing the two plates from David and digging in to his own- “So….”
He looked up at David, “So?”
“How is she? She okay?” Sarah hadn't asked it, but she was listening despite her trying to keep her back to the conversation- pretending she was only watching the kids who sat in the living room. But he didn't mind if she heard, Sarah obviously cared- and he wasn't sure how much David had told him but he hoped he wouldn't have to explain anything.
“Okay? I don't know if there can be an okay, but this is the best she's been. The happiest, I mean. It's been hard the past few nights. Not only for her- but it's hard to watch. To see her like this- it's killing me... And I don't know what to do, but… But tonight- tonight is a good night. I just do-”
Frank had been explaining it to David when he heard it- a scream and the sound of something shattering. He didn't think- he just moved, just ran straight towards the sound.
The awful sound.
Her scream.
It haunted him.
A thousand horrible scenarios ran through his head.
Frank got to the door of the bathroom and heard her harsh breathing behind it, he didn't notice but everyone was behind him- all the kids, both David and Sarah, all worried about what they would find behind that door.
He turned the door knob- it was locked. He jiggled it- pushed against it.
“Karen?”
Nothing.
“I'm comin in! Get away from the door…” He didn't ask if the Liebermans were okay with him breaking down a door, just did it anyway- he had to get to Karen.
And what he found made all the progress made tonight- go away in an instant. There she was on the floor, with shatters of vase and glass surrounding her- Karen's hands were shaking and tears were running down her cheeks.
“I- i'm sorry…. I'm sorry,” Her voice was watery and sad.
“I'm sorry I'll- I'll clean it up, I promise. I'll clean it. I'm gonna clean it….” Her shaking hands moved to pick up the little shards, and Frank moved as fast as he could to grab her wrists- to stop her before she could hurt herself picking up the glass.
“Karen….” Her big blue eyes looked up at him, as if just realising he was here- the whole situation scaring the shit out of him.
“I'm sorry-” Frank shook his head at her, not wanting to hear any apologies from her- Karen had nothing to apologise for.
That's when Frank remembered people were at the door, “Why don't we go get another piece of cake, guys?”
Sarah’s voice made him look up at the kids, seeing the fear in Sophie's eyes- he smiled at her. Hoping it would reassure her things would be okay. Frank watched as Leo and Zach pulled Sophie along with them to follow their mother- knowing this was not something they should be watching. The door started to close and the last thing he saw before looking back at his girl on the floor, were the sad eyes of David Lieberman looking down on him- an expressive pair that made him nod his head in thanks back at his friend.
“Karen….”
Her body and hands shook beneath him, Frank curled around her holding Karen in his arms- hoping he would be able to calm her down and have her avoid getting any glass stuck in her soft skin.
“I'm- i'm sorry, I didn't mean to-”
“Shh sh she, it's okay. It's okay, Karen.”
He rocked her.
In silence.
He rocked them both back and forth.
And waited.
Waited for her to say something.
Say anything.
“I-” She started.
And stopped.
He wondered how long it was-
How long they sat on that floor.
He wondered what they thought was going on.
Wondered what Sophie was thinking.
If she was scared.
If both his girls were scared.
If he could help either of them
If he was even capable of helping them.
“I was happy, Frank.”
He waited for more- for her to say something else.
“I know- I know you were, Kare.”
She sniffled and his heart broke- a stark difference to how the night began.
“I came in here- and I was still laughing… I was smiling and I-”
He waited, wanting to know where this was going.
“I looked at myself in the mirror and I saw it…”
Saw what?
“I saw the dream- I saw my nightmare in that mirror. And my teeth- they were stained, with wine. But-”
She stopped with a choke, fresh tears coming.
“But it wasn't wine I saw on my teeth- it was blood. His blood. I don't know why… But then I was in the nightmare- happy, then suddenly filled with his blood.”
God dammit. He wasn't sure what he was supposed t say to this.
“It was irrational, and I should have known better- but I just freaked out and was afraid this was all just a- a dream. A nightmare that I couldn't leave. Maybe it was the wine- but I saw it…”
Frank nodded, “Maybe no more alcohol for a while?”
“Yeah,”
Silence.
Quiet.
To quiet.
Then it broke.
She started sobbing.
Loud- soul shaking sobs.
Cries that scorched him all the way through.
“Frank? How am I- How can I-”
He didn't know the question, but he already knew he didn't know the answer.
Any time he had asked himself any sort of question that started like that- he never knew the answer.
“How am I supposed to go on? I can't- I can't live like this…”
No- don't think like that, Karen.
“I mean how am I supposed to go on when I look at myself and see this- this monster. How do I keep going? What do I do?”
It was silent for a while, her waiting for an answer- and him waiting to try and figure out how to say it.
“I wish- I wish I could tell you it gets better. That it’ll go away- but it won't. And I don't want to lie to you, there's no easy fix. You just- just have to learn to live with it.”
A sob escaped her lips, but he knew he had to keep going.
“And I know it's not what you want to hear- but this, it's never gonna leave you. I mean, you don't think I woke up after Maria- after the kids, and sew a monster- a murderer in the mirror? You don't think I had nightmares of that day in my head every night? Shit I still have em’ Karen.”
Her blue eyes looked up at him- a semblance of understanding in her eyes, a hope that he had some cure to all her woes.
“But that's never gonna leave- it never left me. I just learned to live with it. You have to find something- find anything that will pull you out of the shit storm that is grief. And I found that something- becoming the Punisher pulled me up, gave me purpose- gave me a reason to breathe. But….”
Frank paused, knowing this moment would bare his soul- in ways he had never put into words, “It wasn't becoming the Punisher that made me live again. It was meeting you. Meeting Sophie- I was alive, but I wasn't living- not till you. I mean Jesus, you're barely sleeping- and when you do finally pass out, you wake up only to puke your guts out. Karen, you're eating but most of it comes right back up the next morning- it's not healthy. I'm scared- I'm scared something gonna happen. But I'm not just gonna sit around and let you wither away into nothingness- I need you, Soph needs you. We need you, Karen. You are family. You're my family. You and Soph, you're a part of me now- and I won't let you go. I swear.”
Her lip was trembling, her eyes watering- but the only thing that assured him to keep going was her head. She was nodding along- silently asking him to keep going.
“I'm gonna do everything in my power to be that something that keeps you here- that keeps you with me. That keeps you goin’. That keeps the nightmares away. I want to be that for you, Karen. But I can't promise you that I'm gonna do everything right, or say the right thing- but I'm gonna try. For you, for Sophie- You do so much- for Soph, for me. But it's my turn, got it? It's my turn to take care of you. And I'm gonna do it, okay?”
She took his hand- laced it through her own and brought it to her lips. Karen kissed their intertwined hands before giving him a watery smile, “Okay…”
“Okay.”
Let’s get started.