Chapter 31
Karen sat in her bed with the door shut, knowing Matt and Claire were out there talking about her. Frank had stayed behind, and in the moment she had agreed to it- but now, she regretted it. She wanted him here- wanted Soph here. Instead she had Matt.
Matt. Who she had thought herself in love with not so long ago- now knowing how truly stupid she had been. Matt hadn't been the one for her. He never was- and she spent more than enough time listening to him undermine her and try to tell her what her thoughts should be.
Karen wasn't letting that happen anymore.
They had gotten back to her apartment- she wearing David’s coat to cover the blood stained thing she wore underneath, with Matt close on her heels.
“Call her.”
Matt looked at her in confusion- this being the first thing she said to him since kicking him out of the ‘Murder Room’. “Who?”
“Claire. Your nurse friend-”
Karen didn't even wait for a response, just headed straight for her room- “Technically she's not a nurse anymore…”
She stopped dead in her tracks and didn't bother turning to look at him- “Don't give a shit. Just get her here.”
So he did. He called Claire and told her to get over here- it was an emergency. She agreed and told him she was on the way- but when he came back in to tell Karen that Claire was coming, he didn't hear her. Only heard the sound of the shower running- and panicked.
“No! Karen you can't shower! Everything on you is evidence- Karen?”
At first there was no response, so he jostled the door knob- “Shut up Matt- I'm not telling the police and neither are you! So nothing on me or in me is gonna be taken as evidence, got it?”
Karen didn't know if he said anything back- once she stepped into the shower she couldn't concentrate on anything other than pain! It was everywhere- the pain… She couldn't have said which particular spot pain was coming from, and honestly didn't want to think about it either- but Matt’s voice drowned out as did everything else. Karen burned- cuts, bruises, rips… It was disorienting. And as good as the water felt, she had to get out or the pain combined with how little energy she had left would probably make her pass out.
So instead she just sat on the toilet, naked- and tried her best not to think about what happened- what she had done…
It wasn't for another thirty minutes until she heard the soft knock of what could only be Claire- that she was let go from the trap that was her memory. Claire asked her to come out- and as much as she didn't want to, Karen knew it was necessary.
“Should I put something on or….” Karen was unsure how to proceed- what was expected of her.
Claire's soft voice could be heard through the door- an obvious sign that she knew some of what had happened to her, “Why don't we just head to your bedroom and go from there?”
Karen silently agreed, opening the door and following the woman to her bedroom- she saw Matt sitting on the couch. Doing this in her bedroom was a show of privacy- but she knew with Matt here there would be no privacy, only the semblance of it with his ability to hear the truth.
What she liked about Claire was her frankness- no bullshit apologies about what had been done to her. There was nothing Claire could do to change what had happened, only try and fix the damages- and she could respect that.
“I have to recommend that going to the hospital would be the smarter thing to do….” Karen dropped her towel and sat on the bed.
“I won't be going to the hospital- I won't be reporting this, i'll not have it on record.” Claire nodded her head at her as she opened the bag she had brought along with her.
“Many women refuse to report it everyday- afraid of what people might think..” Karen knew this was an unasked question- yet a question nonetheless.
“It has nothing to do with pride, Claire- I won't have my daughter taken from me because of the actions of some psycho- something I had no control over. Besides there's nothing the authorities can do with the man who did this- I already took care of him…” The woman nodded her head yet made no comment- only asking to see the more serious wounds. Not yet going below the waist- Claire started at the top.
She put medical glue on the cut on her head from the lamp, cleaned the split lip thoroughly- assessed the many bruises ligning up and down her arms and throat, looked at her wrists and shoulders- then felt her ribs for breaks. Her legs for scrapes and burns- but Karen knew it was time. She knew there was nowhere else to check.
“I have to check, Karen….” She was no happier about it than Karen was- her tone of voice obvious.
“I know- God, I know. Ju- just hold on. I need a minute…. I mean what are you even looking for- I know what happened!” Karen was shaking, she had spent the whole afternoon trying to bury the memory- and now had to face the reality that there might be something wrong.
“I know, Karen- and I'm sorry but I have to check for tearing- for any ripping. Internally or otherwise.”
Karen blanked thinking it impossible something like that could happen, “Tearing? Ripping? No- I would feel it...”
“No, Karen- you wouldn't. Or not yet anyway, despite what you might think you are still in shock- and probably will be for longer than you might think.” Karen felt her eyes brimming with tears- and yet refused to let them fall, she opened her legs and let Claire do her job.
It was silent- there was nothing to say. No way to make it better- no words that might make her feel okay. And this was better- better than empty words that do nothing.
It felt as though her humiliation might never end- and yet Claire quietly telling her she would be fine physically, there was a silent word that was unspoken- that she would be fine; eventually- and mentally was where she would most definitely suffer.
“Karen- There's nothing I can say that will change anything, but you are strong. And I know that you won't crumble- You won't let this man be the one to finish you. Won't let him win.”
Those words were what went through her head when Claire left the room, when Karen got dressed, when she sat on her bed, and when Matt walked through the door.
“What are you still doing here, Matt?” His vacant stare, and ridiculous glasses gazed down on her- and in that reflection she saw herself. For the first time- she saw her face, a face Matt couldn't see. And it made her sick.
“She's right you know- You are strong….” They were pretty words, but somehow they felt different coming from him. Those same words had felt caring and compassionate from Claire- but from Matt they felt calculated, like a lecture would soon follow.
“But…”
Here it comes.
The speech about how his thoughts on what she might do- were obviously the right thing to do, and from experience anything she thought was obviously a sin to Matt.
“You need help- professional help, Karen.”
“And how would you know what I need, Matt? You don't know anything- you don't know what I need…”
Karen wasn't about to let him tell her what to do or what she needed- her hands shook with fury, with an anger she didn't know she had inside herself.
“I’ve seen a lot of rape victims- and from experience i've learned that seeking help is what will save you.”
She bristled at his words, “Save me? What do I need saving from, Matt? And what experience are you talking about? You might have talked to a few people who've been through something similar to me, but that doesn't mean you know anything.”
“Save you from yourself- you killed him Karen. And I know you- you might not regret it now, but you'll feel the guilt eventually.”
“Yes, I killed him- but I do not regret it!” She didn't, Karen felt a lot of things- but regret for her actions was not one of them.
“You will- I know you…”
She shook her head getting up from her seat- needing to move, to pace- “No, Matt- you don't.”
“Of course I do, Karen. I know you- and I know you're a good person.”
“So killing makes a person bad?”
It took a minute, but eventually Matt nodded his head, “Yeah- kind of.”
“Then I'm a bad person…”
“No, Karen- you killed Billy in self defense- that doesn't make you bad.”
She was ready to blow up- everything, all the things she’s ever held back from him because she was afraid he would judge her was ready to come pouring out, “Look at me, Matt. Look real close- even before I met Frank I was in these kind of situations… You really think Billy fucking Russo is the first person I've killed?
Silence. Stunned silence.
“And the funny part? The funny part is that I killed someone for you- not just you but everyone. It was Wesley. I shot him seven times- yeah seven I think. Then I got rid of the gun, like a real criminal.” She was on a roll, the word vomit was still coming up.
“Karen…..”
She started laughing- a quietly crazy laugh- “I killed him because he said he would kill everyone I cared about. First my family- who hate me, then Ben- who’s already dead, then Foggy- who I love and couldn't let that happen too, then funnily enough you- who I thought I had to protect. Until it was only me- then they would kill me. He thought I was some weak little girl who wouldn't stand up for myself, but I did. And this is the part your really not gonna like- it felt good. I loved it- just like today.”
His eyes bugged out of his head, “I loved it because I was saving both myself and the people around me. With Wesley I felt awful after, but knew it was for the best. But with Billy- I happily stabbed him over and over again, and I would do it a hundred more times to protect my family. To protect Soph and Fr- to protect my family. And I won't let you judge me for that.”
Matt moved to interrupt her, his arms moving around in the way he always did when starting a lecture- but she stopped him before he could start, “Because that's what you do, Matt. You judge and think your better than everyone else. And I'm sick of it- you don't think Frank has told me about the ‘philosophical’ debates you two have had before. Because he has- and at first I didn't think he was right- but he is. You're this naive idealist who thinks he knows what's best for everyone- because what? Because your religious? Because God doesn't want people to kill other people?”
“Stop! Karen-”
“Wake up, Matt! Because I don't think God wanted a psycho to kidnap me and my daughter. I don't think God wanted that same psycho to rape me. I think God would be okay with what I did- I protected myself and the people I love. You have no right to tell me you know better- or that you understand. Because you don't- and frankly I don't want to hear anything you have to say. So thank you for coming for us, to save us- but I think you should leave.”
It felt good to get it all out- it had been building in her for a while- a small fire that grew every time he asked her if she believed something in a condescending way and she had to pretend to feel the opposite- Karen was done being that doormat.
“No, we haven't even talked about what you just sai-”
Karen put her hands on his chest and softly pushed him backwards- out of her room and towards the front door, “I want you to leave- get out of my house….”
It took a while for it to happen- a few minutes of silence that she refused to break, then he just left. And she could breathe- until she thought about how she was alone. Frank wasn't back yet, and neither was Soph.
Trying to distract herself, Karen picked up the mail that had fallen to the floor during the attack to look it over. It was kinda funny to look at the manila envelope that had excited her so much- that it had only come in about a day or so earlier, that their lives had been close to perfect not too long ago.
Opening the envelope she took out the papers and started signing- wanting to get this over and done with, she signed along every dotted line. And there were a lot of dotted lines.
Strange how adopting a kid could be so complicated; her joke felt funny for a moment until it took another thirty five minutes reading all the fine print- all the fine print on the first page.