All Sinners A Future, All Saints A Past

»This morning, the dead body of ambassador Theresa Hamil and her bodyguard has been found in Jerusalem, two days before her meeting with the Foreign Affairs Minister Liebermann to discuss the weapons agreement between the United Nations and Isreal. Although all evidence indicates a robbery, investigations are still ongoing and further negotiations between the two countries have been delayed until further notice. This incident is a great throwback for the relationship between - «,

Captain America shut off the TV, leaving his living room in deafening silence. He was in between missions for S.H.I.E.L.D. which left him with not much to do. He had already thoroughly cleaned his apartment twice this week, read five books and watched all the movies of Lord of the Rings and Star Wars.

Moving to D.C. after the battle of New York had been a good decision but it didn’t help with his main problem. Time. He had too much time. New York was filled with ghosts of his past, waiting on every corner, haunting him, teasing him. He couldn’t take it. Hence, the change of scenery. He had never been to Washington D.C. before and it felt good to be somewhere new for a change. Like a fresh start. Except there was nothing fresh. He didn’t sleep much, was still woken up by nightmares every night, still couldn’t allow himself to think. Peggy was a great help. The fact that his old friend lived in a retirement home here in D.C. had been one of the reasons why the Captain had wanted to move here, so he could visit her from time to time. It never failed to break his heart.

A year had passed since he had come out of the ice but still he felt like a stranger in this time. Like he didn’t belong here. There was an invisible wall separating him from the rest, he could see them and hear them but he wasn’t one of them. It made the Captain long for home.

»Hey Peggy, «, he greeted the now elderly woman who smiled brightly. It was one of her better days.

»Steve! Took you a damn while to come back here. «, she chided but there was fondness in her eyes and Steve had to laugh, »I’m sorry, I was on a mission for S.H.I.E.L.D., only came back a few days ago. How’re you holding up? «

»You’re asking me? Steve, I’m old, I’m not holding up anything anymore, but you…you seem so…sad. «

»I’m fine. «, Steve muttered, not meeting her eyes.

»Don’t you lie to me, Steve Rogers. «, Peggy said firmly and for one incredible second, Steve saw his mum lying there in front of him, worn out by tuberculosis. He bit down on his lower lip, trying to hold back the tears. It wasn’t fair. None of the was fair.

»’m sorry, Peg. I guess I just…I miss it. All of it. «, it was as close to a confession as he could allow himself to get. He couldn’t talk about it. Not yet. Maybe not ever. But here, by Peggy’s side, he was Steve. Steve Rogers, not Captain America. He was a person and not just a symbol and it made him feel human. Something he hardly felt these days.

»I know you do, sweetie, but you gotta let go. You can’t go on living in the past. «, it wasn’t the first time she’d told him that and Steve had never corrected her. The thing was…he wasn’t living in the past. He wasn’t living at all.»Go out there, find yourself a nice girl. Or a fella. Have some fun and goddammit enjoy this century ‘cause let me tell you it’s a lot a lot better than the last. «

With a sad smile and tears in his eyes, Steve left the retirement home and himself with it. He went back to being Captain America, the superhero of the nation.  

Natasha was at Stark Tower like always when she wasn’t working for S.H.I.E.L.D. All the Avengers spent their time there. Or almost all of them. Thor was back in Asgard and only showed himself sporadically; and then there was Steve. Steve who had come to visit two, maybe three times, during the last year and was otherwise cooped up in his apartment in D.C.; Natasha knew, she had checked.

»I’m bored. «, Tony whined from where he was sitting on the couch. Pepper had forbidden him to work in his lab today and now the older man behaved like a five – year – old; Natasha did his best to ignore him. »I feel like we should have a party. We haven’t had a party in ages. «

»If by ages, you mean two days ago, then yes, we haven’t had a party in ages. «, Clint muttered.

»Oh right there was that…«, Tony hummed, »But – every time is a good time for a party, so we’re having a party. Tomorrow. «

Natasha rolled her eyes but kept quiet.

»Romanov. «

»What, Tony? «

»You’re in charge of Captain Hermit, make sure he comes. «

»Tony, I don’t think Steve wants to go to your party. «

»Slender! «, the billionaire exclaimed, »Everyone wants to come to my parties! « and with those words he jumped to his feet and hurried out of the room, presumably to make preparations. Natasha sighed inwardly. Stark had a point insofar that Steve definitely should get out more often especially since he didn’t seem to have many friends outside of S.H.I.E.L.D. or the Avengers. During the past year, she and Steve had gone on a few missions together and gotten to know each other a little bit better. Her first impression had been right; a kind man that valued politeness, loyal by default and stupidly selfless…and something more. Something lurking underneath that Natasha couldn’t quite see. Anyway, she was certain about one thing, Captain Steve Rogers, was, above all, lonely and Natasha felt obligated to change that. 

Tony was pleased to see Steve walk through the doors at exactly 8 p.m., dressed in a way too tight white shirt that did absolutely nothing to hide all those muscles, sleeves rolled up, showing off toned skin and forearms (!). If Tony hadn’t been so madly in love with Pepper, he would have totally tapped that ass. As it were though, Steve was now surrounded by three gorgeous women, all batting their eyelashes and letting out high – pitched laughs at whatever it was Steve was saying while the man himself seemed completely oblivious to the attention. Or maybe he didn’t care. It was a real shame, Tony found, and he couldn’t just stand by and do nothing.

»Oh Captain, my Captain! «, he cried out as he approached the blonde Adonis and his swooning audience, »Ladies, could I borrow him for a second? «, he flashed his most brilliant smile at the women who started giggling which Tony took as a ‘yes’.

»What do you want Tony? «, Steve asked, slightly confused.

»Let me give you some advice…I know, I know, you’re from the 40s and things went differently back then but my dear god, you’ve got to get laid! «, Steve stopped short and stared at him with wide eyes, »Oh I’m sorry, did that make you uncomfortable? «

»Why would you – Why should I - «, Steve stuttered before shaking his head, »Tony, I don’t want to get laid. Not everything’s about sex. «. In every other situation, Tony would have had a ball because seriously? Hearing Captain America talk about sex? That’s right up there in his top ten of Must – Dos – Before – I – Die, but – but…

»You’re not a virgin, are you? «, Tony asked half joking, half deadly serious, »Please tell me you’re not a virgin, cause that…that’s just…«

»I don’t see how that is any of your business? «, Steve asked, his cheeks glowing pink in the dim light of the Tower.

»Omg! You totally are! «, oh this is great! Except Steve didn’t seem to think so, judging by the expression on his face.

»I don’t have to listen to this. «, he muttered before turning around and stalking away.This is gonna be so much fun. 

You’re not a virgin, are you?

I love you, Stevie.

Please tell me you’re not a virgin.

I love you so fucking much.

Omg! You totally are!

I love you too, Bucky.

CRACK!

Panting heavily, Steve realized with horror that he had no idea where exactly he was in the tower except that it was dark and silent and that his fist was buried in the wall. He pulled back, staring at the hole he left behind; the hole stared back, judging him.

»Steve. «, a soft voice came out of the shadows, followed by a beautiful woman with flaming red hair. If Natasha was shocked by his violence, she didn’t show it, in fact, she didn’t show anything, her face a perfect mask of calmness. Steve was slightly jealous of that.

»Sorry, «, he said and stepped back further, »I’m fine. «.Natasha didn’t even dignify his words with a reply but simply raised an eyebrow, obviously unimpressed, »It’s nothing. Tony was just being stupid. «

»What did he say? «, her tone was neutral, making it impossible to make out her thoughts.

»Nothing that’s worth repeating. I lost my temper, that’s all. «, Steve became increasingly uncomfortable with this whole situation and all he wanted to do was leave.

»Come with me, «, Natasha commanded and walked past him, obviously expecting him to follow.

»Where are we going? «

»You’ll see. «, he hated it when she did that, being all mysterious and vague but at least he had time to win his composure back, get into his role again.

»Seriously Natasha, I’m fine. «, Captain America tried once more.

»You are not fine. You are so very far from fine you two are not even in the same galaxy anymore. «, ignoring her jab, the Captain instead asked the probably most pressing question on his mind, »What do you want from me? «

»I want you to be able to trust me. I’m trying to be your friend. «, Natasha stopped and turned around in one smooth movement, causing the Captain to nearly run into her. Her face was a little bit more open now even though he expected it to be deliberate; there was concern in her eyes but also annoyance, her lips pressed together into a thin line. The thing with Natasha was, that she was more than a little ambiguous and as much as Steve would have liked to, he wasn’t sure if he could, in fact, trust her. Or rather if he should. Natasha Romanov was a grey zone in a world of black and white and Captain America had no idea how to deal with that.  

After watching Steve storm off from the party, it really shouldn’t have been such big surprise to see him punch a wall. There was something different about this Steve, something less controlled, something desperate and overly emotional and for the first time, Natasha realized that she had never actually met Steve Rogers, always just Captain America. Two sides of the same coin that was hardly ever flipped these days. Seeing the transformation back into the patriotic mask was something she probably wouldn’t forget that easily.

»What do you want from me? «, that was the Captain’s voice, determined and demanding respect and obedience.

»I want you to be able to trust me. I’m trying to be your friend. «, Natasha turned around to look at the man and now that she had seen the other side, she cursed herself for having missed it all this time. The lost expression he’d get every time he thought no one was watching, the carefully composed face, the deliberately chosen words. It was an act, a good one, but still. Natasha knew a thing or two about acting, pretending – perks of being a spy – and she knew that it wasn’t always easy. The difference between her and Steve was, though, that she had been trained to be the way she was now from an early age on, she didn’t know anything else, but Steve…Steve had once been a happy person who had worn his heart on his sleeve, standing up for what he genuinely believed in with people he had cared about and that had cared about him. The image of Captain America had come much, much later and as good as Steve might be filling out the role, it was only a matter of time until he would collapse under the weight. It was already happening. »Listen to me, Steve, I know we don’t have much in common except S.H.I.E.L.D work and I’m not pretending to know what it is you’re going through. But I do know what it feels like to have your entire world turned upside down. When Clint came to put an arrow through my head but decided to bring me in instead it was like someone had pulled a rag from under my feet. I had lost everything I had known. I didn’t know who I could trust, so I trusted no one and if it wasn’t for Clint and Phil…I don’t know what I might have done. What I’m saying is, you have to start talking at some point. Let someone in. You have friends here Steve. And if you don’t feel comfortable talking to us, find someone else, but do it. And do it soon ‘cause you’re not gonna go much longer if you keep this up. «, she knew they were hard words. But then again, Natasha had never been one to sugar coat stuff, she just told it how it was. It was a sign of just how exhausted Steve must have been that he didn’t even try to argue. All he did was give her a sharp nod before getting up and leaving the room without another word. 

It wasn’t until the next morning, Tony was nursing a huge hangover from the night before, that he noticed the hole in the wall, just outside his lab and only because Bruce had asked about it.

»Hey JARVIS, «, he called out, his eyes trained on the piece of missing wallpaper, »What happened to my wall? «

»Captain Rogers drove his fist through it, sir. He seemed rather upset. «

What?

»What? «

»Miss Romanov might have further information for you, seeing as she was the one who found him. «

Suppressing a groan, Tony made his way to the common floor. It was way too early for this shit and his head was killing him.

»Natasha, what happened to my wall? «, he asked as a way to greet the red – head.

»Good morning to you too, Tony. «, she replied without looking up from the book she was reading, »And maybe you should ask Steve. «

»Well Rogers isn’t here, so I’m asking you. «

»What happened to your wall? «, Clint asked quickly from where he was lounging on the sofa.

»Apparently, Captain Impulse Control picked a fight with it last night and won. «

»Why would Cap punch a wall? «

»Yes, Tony, why would he do that? «, Natasha inquired, finally setting her book down and looking at him in a way that suggested that she already knew the answer to her question.

»Why are you all looking at me? I didn’t do anything. «, Tony tried to defend himself but before he had even finished talking Clint had started laughing, »Stark, the day you don’t do anything, will be the day I’ll lay down my bow forever. « - traitor.

»Okay, «, Tony conceded, »I might have teased him a bit. But that is in no way any excuse to punch my wall! «

»Well, what did you say? «, Clint asked further, sitting leaned forward, his arms resting on his knees, attention fully focused on Tony.

»He was being awkward with the ladies so I asked him if he was a virgin. «, Tony explained because, yes, that was a completely reasonable conclusion, except both Clint and Natasha seemed to disagree with him on that. »What? «

»Well, first of all, you should be glad that it was the wall and not your face he punched for asking that question, «, Clint started off, »And secondly…has it ever occurred to you that he might not want any lady at the moment? For him, 1945 was last year. We all talk about the Second World War like it’s history ‘cause for us it is but he’s actually lived through that shit. While everyone got their lives back together and moved on, he was trapped in the ice and now he has to deal with all that and people expecting him to act like everything’s fine. He lost his girlfriend, his best friend, his comrades, everything he knows one year ago…I honestly have no idea how he keeps it together most days and…shit I mean…the dude’s – what? 26? 27? I think we’re all forgetting how young he is sometimes. «

Tony stares at the archer a little wide – eyed, huh…I hadn’t thought of that, he had to admit, »Fair point. But I still think he overreacted. My wall didn’t do anything to him. «