Dying for some sleep pt.2
“I- they change, sometimes. They come back. Sometimes it’s the same ones I’ve had for years and sometimes they twist into something new. But tonight-“ Steve shuddered at the thought, “It’s the worst one.” He paused and cleared his throat again, “I’m with my team. We go into hostile territory, but it’s nothing like we haven’t done before, just a regular mission. In and out. Everything according to plan. And I don’t know why, but one second we’re walking into a building, and the next I see my team, my friends, all lying on the floor, already dead or still bleeding out and there’s nothing I can ever do to save them. They’re spread out, blood coming in waves like the tide and I always get cold. Like ice gnawing at me, working its way up my body.” Steve shuddered again. The hairs on his arms stood up. “I freeze. Staring at my dead teammates, looking at me. I freeze and I can’t move anymore. And I want it to be over. Looking at my failure to lead the mission, feeling the painful bite of freezing temperatures in my skin cells, burning through my veins. But it never kills me. I never die.” Steve bit out, staring at the ground, but probably seeing the scenario from his dreams in front of him. I noticed the way his shoulders are hunched over, like the weight of it all made him smaller.
The poor guy must be traumatized.
Then Steve whispered, “I never could save them, you know. Not even in my dreams.”
It clicked that his dreams must be a twisted version of what really happened on one of Steve’s missions, back in his army days.
Maybe Sam could explain them someday. Asking Steve felt like an unwelcome inquiry. He shouldn’t have to think back anymore.
Not knowing how to respond to such horrors, I stayed silent but slowly moved to grab his hands, which felt like blocks of ice. I moved on the couch, seated myself closely next to him, hoping my body warmth would warm him up a little and the sensation would ground him.
Steve didn’t flinch away from the contact. He willingly let his hands be moved and it seemed to register to him somewhere far away that I’d put my arm around him. He even leaned into me.
“You should try to get some sleep. I’ll be right here.” I whispered.
Steve nodded weakly and closed his eyes after a while.
After a while Steve’s breathing evened out. His body slowly relaxed.
I looked up and studied Steve’s face, happy to notice he looked at peace again. Not pained by ghosts from his past.
His blond hair was still a little unruly, with one little, adorable lock of hair falling to his forehead. His long eyelashes fluttered and his lips quirked sometimes. I was still looking at him when Steve moved, which almost made me jump, but Steve slept through it and snuggled into my side some more, pulling on my arm to drape me on top of him like a blanket. The guy was just a giant teddy bear. Adorable bastard.
I opened my eyes when I felt movement and craned my neck to check the clock from the weird angle I was at right now. My eyes widened at the realization it was already late in the afternoon and Steve was stirring in his sleep, probably close to waking. Then I realized I’d fallen asleep too, on top of Steve, who was now warm as a furnace and still very, very clingy in his sleep.
Steve’s eyes finally opened and he blinked against the warm sunlight that was still shining into the hotel room. When he finally managed to see and process what he saw, he blushed and smiled a little before muttering a weak sorry to me.
I snorted in response. Yes, it’s a rude habit and people don’t always appreciate it, but people should just shut up.
“Don’t worry about it, punk. I fell asleep too. Slept pretty damn good, actually.” I grinned as I propped myself up on Steve’s (very firm) chest.
Perhaps this was a little too close, noticing my body was responding, which could quickly turn this whole situation awkward, so I very casually removed my body from his and stretched my sore muscles, hearing a few cracks from the way I had been sleeping.
“How late is it anyway?” Steve asked.
“Past four already. You really did need your sleep, pal.”
Steve hummed, “Guess I did. So, did I waste our time together by falling into a coma and once again crushing you in my sleep, or can you stay for a little while longer?”
I laughed, “I have the whole day off so I guess I can stay a little while longer. Now move, we’re gonna watch a movie. Do you watch movies?” I decided as I shoved his feet off of the couch and sat down next to Steve.
“Never.” Steve admitted, “So which one are we gonna watch?”
“All of ‘em”