Do You Want Ants? Because This is How You Get Ants
“What a film! I greatly enjoyed it when the mechanical warriors sliced the monster in half!” Thor laughed as he Clint and Tony walked back to the mansion from the theater.
“The roller skates were kind of ridiculous though.” Clint said.
“Proof you have no imagination Legolas,” Tony said. “The roller skates were amazing. Best part of the robot design.”
“Sure, whatever.” Clint rolled his eyes. “This was nice though, why don’t we just hang out more often?”
Because the universe is an irony-loving asshole, as soon as Clint said that, a building exploded down the street and a horde of gigantic ants came pouring out.
“I think-” Tony started, but Clint cut him off.
“Yeah, yeah point taken,” he sighed, “C’mon Thor, let’s go squish some bugs.” Clint pulled out his folded up bow and quiver, while Thor summoned Mjolnir to him.
“Okay, now Thor be gent-aaaAAAAAHHHHH!” Clint screamed as Thor picked him up and flew them to the front of the ant horde.
Thor brought Mjolnir down into the middle of the street, creating a crater than stopped the giant insects in their tracks.
Clint might have thrown up a little but no one can prove it so it didn’t count.
“Okay, uglies,” he said, notching an explosive arrow, “Time to go splat-”
“Wait, no!”
Clint screamed as a guy appeared right the fuck out of nowhere behind him. He was wearing some sort of red motorcycle suit and a dumb helmet.
“Who are you? Where did you come from? Why shouldn’t I shoot the giant ants?”
“I’m Sc-Ant-Man.-”
“What kind of name-”
“And these guys are my ant… friends. Why did I explain it like that?” Scantman just sighed and pulled out a gun. He fired a blast at the ants, and in an instant they were all gone.
“Awww, I was looking forward to doing battle with the horde of beasts.” Thor pouted.
“Don’t make the sad face Thor,” Clint gave the demigod a pat on the back, “You’ll fight something that ugly soon enough. Hulk’ll probably spar with you when we get home.” At that, Thor perked up and turned to the weird guy.
“Still, that was mighty blast, Man of Scant-”
“What? No, it’s Ant-Man-”
“With a single stroke you banished those beasts to the depths of Hel! Most impressive!” Thor gave Ant-Man a good natured, gentle, punch. Which for Thor meant the poor guy got knocked into a nearby building.
“Oooowwwwwww,” he moaned, “Uh, thanks? I didn’t destroy them though, I shrunk them, see?” Anty held up his hand and sure enough a parade of ants started marching up his arm.
“Well, that’s gross,” Clint said, “Anyway, have we met before, I feel like I recognize you from somewhere.”
“Oh, no I doubt it. I just got the suit and stuff and I’m still learning to use it. I was practicing with the guys but they kinda got out of control and I accidentally made them giant sized, and then they burst through the wall.” Ant-Man explained. “In fact, I should- shit.”
Clint turned in time to see Tony get thrown out of a building.
“Tony!” Clint sprinted down the street to check on him. “Dude, you better be okay. I will kill you if you die because you decided to check out a random building.”
“I’m fine,” Tony groaned, “just sore, and bruised.”
“Awesome, so why’d you decide to check out a random building?”
“Somebody was prowling around and I thought it was worth checking out. Size-changing ants are probably a good sign that Pym Particles are nearby, and we don’t want those falling into the wrong hands.”
“What are these 'Pym Particles,'” Thor asked.
“They’re what I use to change size.” Ant-Man explained. “And they are incredibly dangerous. Imagine a ladybug or something suddenly becoming the size of a skyscraper, or the Statue of Liberty becoming the size of your pinky finger.”
“Ohhhhhh, yeah that sounds bad.” Clint said.
“Hey, Ant-Man, Old Man Pym going to be mad if I call Iron Man in to help with this?” Tony asked.
“That depends, did you see who was stealing the particles?”
“Guy in a yellow suit with stinger things.”
“Yeah, that’s what I thought” Ant-Man sighed, “Pym will be pissed, but he’ll be more pissed if Yellowjacket wreaks havoc with those particles.”
“Ok, Clint, Thor, go with Ant-Man, I’ll get Iron Man and tell the others to be on guard.”
“Alright.”
-
“Looks like Yellowjacket’s got a business deal going down on down there.” Ant-Man said as he lead Thor and Clint to the harbor.
“Nice, we should try and stakeout the deal, see if we can figure out who his buyer is.” Clint whispered.
“Leave that to me.” Ant-Man shrunk down and hopped off while Clint and Thor watched from behind a warehouse.
“Hey, Thor, wanna bet on how long he takes to get caught? Winner buys the loser pizza.” Clint whispered.
“Challenge accepted Hawkeye.”
“My money’s says no more than five minutes.”
“I would not so easily doubt our little friend.”
Shortly after, a fight broke out.
“I win!” Clint cheered.
“Actually Hawkeye, he lasted 5 minutes and 4.05 seconds, so that goes to Thor.” Iron Man said as he arrived.
“Really, Chrome Dome, you couldn’t give me that?”
“You’re both my friends, I have to treat you both equally.”
“Come, friends! Let us dispose of these ruffians! Then, Hawkeye, I shall choose my pizza! Huzzah!”
“I hate you.” Clint told Iron Man while the armored Avenger shrugged.
As the Avengers dealt with the mooks, Ant-Man faced off against Yellowjacket.
“I’m going to squish you, Ant-Man”
“Oh really, Yellowjacket? Because I ant going down without a fight.
Clint chuckled a little.
“Hawkeye, did you really laugh at that?” Thor said, from like thirty feet away, how did he hear that? Do Asgardians just have super hearing now?
“It was funny.” Clint said, because it was. It was terrible but in a cute way.
“Guys.” Iron Man said,
“Tony’d think it was funny, right shellhead?”
“Yeah probably, his sense of humor is shit like that.” Iron Man said as he threw some mooks into each other, “But can we finish the fight please?”
“Yeah, yeah whatever. I’m going to tell Tony that pun and he will love it.” Clint muttered. The four heroes made quick work of the mooks, and Ant-Man had Yellowjacket in a tiny little cell thing.
“Thanks for your help Avengers.” he said.
“Happy to.” Iron Man held out a hand, which Ant-Man shook.
“Yeah man, call the Avengers if you ever need more exterminators.” Clint joked.
“Thanks.” Ant-Man laughed. “Um, I guess I should introduce myself properly.”
“You don’t have to.” Iron Man assured.
“Nah, it’s fine. Besides, I probably can’t pull off your your whole secret identity mystique, Iron Man.”
Iron Man tilted his head. “Wait, I have mystique?”
“No you don’t.” Clint rolled his eyes. “He doesn’t. You haven’t seen him drink milk through a bendy straw.”
“Awwwww.” Iron Man sagged. Thor put a hand on his shoulder in sympathy.
“Don’t worry friend, we all love you anyway.”
“Um, ok.” Ant-Man said, “The name’s Scott Lang by the way.”
Scott Lang.
That was a name Clint hadn’t been expecting to hear again. Little snake was a bug now, huh?
Suddenly Scott’s phone started ringing.
“I’ve gotta take that. See you Avengers, and by the way, you can call me if you have any little problems too.” Ant-Man saluted before shrinking down and flying off on one of his ants. Weirdo.
“That’s a stupid pun.” Clint muttered
“Hm? Something wrong Hawkeye?” Iron Man asked.
“Nothing, let’s go home. I gotta buy a pizza. And some Raid.”