I'm Too Sick To Think Of A Title
Clint groaned as he lay on the couch. He felt like he was on fire.
“I’m dying.”
Natasha rolled her eyes.
“You just have the flu.”
“I think you need to give me a get well kiss.” Clint said, sitting up.
“And getting myself sick? No way.” Natasha threw a pillow at Clint’s face.
“Are you sure you should be drinking coffee, Tony?” Steve asked the resident genius from over in the kitchen. “Won’t it hurt your stomach.”
“Thanks for the concern Cap but I’ll-” Suddenly, Tony hurled into the sink. When he was done, he wiped his mouth and grimace. “I’ll be able to handle some coffee.”
The regular humans of Avengers Mansion had all come down with the flu and were all suffering. Well, Nat wasn’t sick but Clint wasn’t actually sure she counted as a “regular human.” Clint had gotten sick a couple of days ago, and Tony had come down with the same thing yesterday.
“C’mon, Tony, why don’t you go back to bed,” Steve pleaded, “I’ll carry you.”
“If birdbrain can hang out in the living room, then so can I.” Tony insisted, “though it would be really nice if you carried me to the couch.”
Clint moved over as Cap dropped the feverish genius on the couch next to him. Tony moaned as he laid his head on Clint’s shoulder.
“Can I get a bucket too? This rug costs more than any of you combined, I don’t want to get puke on it.”
“Then maybe it would be better if you went to bed?” Thor suggested.
Tony attempted a weak laugh. “Like that rug is cheaper.”
Hulk stomped over to and dropped a giant green boiling vat of something on the table in front of them.
“What is that?” Clint asked.
“HULK’S MAMA’S PEA SOUP MAKE SQUISHY HUMANS FEEL BETTER!” he shouted. Hulk stared at them expectantly, and Clint gulped.
That did not look appetizing.
Luckily, before they had to eat it, the Avengers alarms went off. Unluckily, it was loud and shrill and like a knife to Clint’s brain, and he and Tony both winced.
“Avengers Assemble!” Cap called, “Except you two. You just rest,” he added, nodding in Clint and Tony’s direction. Clint gave the team a weak thumbs up, and as soon as they were gone, picked up Hulk’s pot and dumped it in the trash. When he got back to the living room, Tony had his phone out and was staring at it intently.
“Hey, Stark. You paying video games or something?”
Tony simply waved Clint off without taking his eyes from his phone. Clint sighed and pulled up the news footage of the battle.
The Avengers were fighting some of AIM’s weird experiments or whatever. Giant blob things that kinda looked shaggy dogs, but instead of hair it was snot. Or maybe big boogery bushes? Trying to think up a proper description for these things made Clint’s head hurt, so he just watched the news coverage of the battle.
The Avengers had wasted no time getting on the scene and trying to contain the creatures. Hilariously, Cap tried to pull the shield at one and it got stuck in the gelatinous body.
Slightly less hilariously, it turned out the things spit acid after Hulk threw a lampost at it one.
Then it hit one of the Daily Bugle’s news screens and J. Jonah Jameson’s face got melted and that was hysterical.
“Tony did you see that?” Clint asked, poking him slightly in the ribs. That was a bad idea as it turned out, because Tony nearly threw up again.
“Please don’t do that again.” He groaned.
“Sorry.”
Clint went back to watching the fight, where Iron Man had joined the others. Thor blasted lightning at one of the big uglies while Iron Man swooped in and yanked Cap’s shield out of its body and gave it back.
Iron Man pointed down the street, and Widow nodded and ran in that direction. Since, Iron Man’s repulsors and Thor’s lightning were the only things actually doing anything to these guys, Cap and Hulk worked on getting the civilians clear.
Clint watched as Iron Man and Thor dodge the acid sprays when Tony moaned again next to him and threw up into the bucket.
Clint rubbed his back until Tony was done. The billionaire tried to reach for his phone again, but Clint took it out of his hands.
“That’s it, you’re going to bed.” Clint said, picking him up.
“Hey!” Tony complained.
“No, you definitely need to go back to bed.” Clint ignored Tony’s protests and gently brought him up to his bedroom. He laid the genius down in the bed, then left to get the bucket. When he got back, Tony was asleep. Clint left the bucket next to the bed, and went back to the living room.
Just in time to see the news feed showing the melted remains of the Iron Man armor.
“What even happened?” Clint asked as soon as the others came home.
They were all in the living room in varying degrees of shock. Clint paced the room, Steve was sitting in the reading chair with his head in his hands. Hulk looked ready to smash something, and Thor right along with him, while Natasha was standing in the corner with her arms crossed.
“I cannot say,” Thor said solemnly. “Iron Man was a little more stiff than usual, and a little more quiet, but he was battling as usual. However, he stopped suddenly, and in that moment fell victim to the creatures foul acid.”
“He just stopped? That doesn’t make sense!” Clint shouted.
“Hawkass, you’re the one who made me go to bed, can you stop shouting?” Tony complained from the hall
Tony.
The Avengers all shared a look, unsure how to do this. Finally, Steve sighed, and pulled out the half-melted gauntlet that was now all that remained of their teammate.
“Oh my god!” Tony gasped. “Is that all that’s left of the armor?” He took the gauntlet from Steve and started examining it. “Damn it, I just made this too. Great.”
Tony turned to leave, probably to go down to his lab, but Steve grabbed his hand.
“Tony, that’s not all. Iron Man, Iron Man was still in the armor.”
“Huh?” Tony tilted his head in confusion before his eyes widened in realization. “Oh. Oh shit! No, no he wasn’t.”
“What.” Hulk deadpanned
“Iron Man wasn’t in the armor,” Tony explained quickly, “he called earlier, apparently Clint got him sick too, so I figured might as well be a good time to test a new remote control function for the armor in case he ever can’t be in the armor himself.”
“HE LET US THINK HE WAS DEAD?” Natasha yelled.
“Well, um, I’m sure maybe whatever distracted him from the controls kept him busy and he just didn’t get a chance to call.” Tony stuttered, thrown off. Clint was too, Nat didn’t yell that often. “JARVIS can confirm he’s fine, right J?”
“I can indeed confirm that Iron Man, while ill, is very unmelted,” the AI replied, “though might I suggest allowing the Avengers to call Iron Man? So they can confirm for themselves?”
“Can you do that?” Steve asked, perking up.
“J, I’ve spent most of my time awake today throwing up, do you think I’m in the mood for your shit?” Tony muttered.
“I’m sorry sir, I fail to see how that relates to the team calling Iron Man”
Tony glared at one of JARVIS’s cameras, and turned to the Avengers with one of his fake smiles.
“Well, I’m going to go throw up in the bathroom while J patches you in to call Iron Man.” Tony swiftly walked down the hall to the nearest bathroom.
“JARVIS?” Thor asked.
“Right away, Mr. Thor.”
The phone range for what felt like an eternity, before the phone picked up and the familiar modulated voice of Iron Man rang out.
“Hi guys.” Iron Man said, “sorry, for the misunderstanding. Totally not dead, you don’t have to worry”
“We’re just happy you’re alive” Clint said.
“Well, also pissed you didn’t call.” Natasha added.
“Sorry, I passed out, I haven’t been sleeping a lot, and I kind of forgot this is your first time. Just, don’t ever assume I’m dead before like, a week.”
“Wait what? What do you mean ‘first time?’ Do you just end up in situations where you’re presumed dead a lot?” Clint tried to ask, but Iron Man didn’t reply.
“Anyway, since Mr. Stark is going to have to remake the armor, I won’t be able to come to the beach.”
“What, no we can reschedule.” Steve said. “We’ve been trying to go on this trip for months.”
“Yeah, and I don’t want you guys to have missed out on it because you had to push it back again for me. I’ll be fine.” With that, Iron Man hung up the phone.
Clint was the first one to break the silence that followed.
“Well. That happened. I guess.”
“WHY IS MY SOUP IN THE TRASH?” Hulk roared.
“Bye guys, TONYINEEDTOHIDEINYOURLABAGAIN!”