Chapter 8
He considers Bucky from the kitchen, looking at the way he sat hunched over on the couch with his head in his hands. Tony really wanted to kick Steve’s ass for that but realistically he knew which one of them would be on the losing end of that battle. So instead he focuses on making Bucky hot chocolate because apparently he hated tea, which was a weird opinion to have given that he usually loved it. He’s poked fun at Bucky’s love of tea several times but Tony wonders if maybe realizing his relationship was, at best, toxic was messing with his head. For now he leaves it because he had bigger fish to fry. When the kettle stops boiling he pours the water into Bucky’s mug and waits a few minutes before bringing it to Bucky.
“Here,” he says softly, handing him the mug and sitting beside him carefully, leaving some space between them. Bucky takes the mug and holds it between his hands, staring at the liquid for several moments before Tony reaches out and puts his hand on Bucky’s back, rubbing circles on it. At first he’s unsure of his actions because he doesn’t know if this was something Bucky would appreciate at the moment but it becomes increasingly obvious that Bucky was responding well to the contact so Tony moves a little closer, wrapping his arm around him.
Bucky leans into the touch and sighs, sitting like that for a long time, occasionally drinking from his cup. Eventually he sits back, still leaning into Tony’s touch. “So what am I supposed to do now?” he asks, looking down at Tony.
He shrugs, “whatever you want,” he says. That was his choice, no one else’s. Besides that Tony had no idea what Bucky would want anyways.
“Whatever I want,” Bucky murmurs, considering this for a few moments, considering Tony for a few moments. He holds his breath, unsure of where this was going given how weird Bucky has been acting lately but he was hoping for something. It was selfish, profoundly selfish even for him, but he missed Bucky. With all his weird behavior and now this entire Steve mess that was bigger than Tony thought it was he hadn’t managed to spend much meaningful time with him and now wasn’t really a good time, but it was better than nothing.
Bucky must hear his thoughts or something because he reaches out slowly, carefully placing his fingers under his chin and lifting it a little. He brushes his thumb along Tony’s bottom lip and he lets out the breath he was holding, earning a smile from Bucky. “You’re gorgeous,” Bucky tells him in a soft tone, like he was realizing this for the first time.
Tony smiles, eyes drifting down as he laughs a little, “thanks, I guess,” he murmurs. Bucky shakes his head and leans forward, pressing a soft kiss to his lips.
“Someone hasn’t done enough to convince you to take a compliment,” he says and he kisses Tony again.
*
Kissing Tony was stupid, sleeping with him was unforgivable, but actually enjoying it enough to tell FRIDAY to block Steve’s calls probably secured him a place in hell. If Tony wasn’t curled into his side he would probably be freaking out but he didn’t want to jostle Tony. The good news was that he was forced to actually admit he didn’t really think he made a mistake quietly while also knowing this was a stupid plan. Ending one relationship and flying right into another was like textbook stupid but Tony was soft and sweet, and unlike Steve he let Bucky have choice in what he did.
Something tells him that enjoying the fact that someone was nice to him was a bad reason to want to spend more time with them when that was all you had on the heels of a bad relationship. Mostly Tony was only doing what was normal and Bucky knew treating it like it was special wasn’t a good idea. That didn’t mean he was going to do the responsible thing and take time to figure things out though. In his defense this probably wouldn’t end worse than his last relationship so what was the harm?
Tony stirs eventually, blinking into consciousness and Bucky smiles, “hey gorgeous,” he says softly.
Tony yawns and stretches himself out, reminding Bucky of a cat waking up from a nap. “Hey,” he mumbles and he yawns again. “So um, want breakfast?” Tony asks, smiling up at him.
Bucky grins, “can I make it?” he asks half because he’s always wanted to learn how to cook and half because he was curious to see if Tony would let him.
He shrugs, “better than me attempting to cook. Rhodey’s mom tried to teach me once because she was horrified I had no life skills and after I blew up her kitchen trying to make noodles she banned me from cooking for life and told me I was lucky I was rich. Besides, I’m curious about your skills,” he says. Well, Bucky didn’t have any so this would be an adventure.
*
It wasn’t Tony’s fault, that’s what James kept telling himself because it was true but it didn’t hurt any less. So Tony didn’t know Bucky was a whole different person, he still sensed something was different and he still slept with him anyways. And he got the fantastic luck of watching the entire thing unfold, unable to do anything about it because Bucky had a surprisingly strong will when he decided he wasn’t a limp fucking noodle. Steve could walk all over him, treat him however he wanted to but if James tried to not watch his boyfriend’s sex life with technically another person? No, couldn’t give up control there.
Tony was clearly confused and for good reason James guessed. He went from being in a great mood to giving Tony what must have been a pretty vicious glare because he just about dropped his coffee cup and took a step backwards in obvious shock. James had stomped off after that, ignoring feeling like an angry five year old, and made his way to the roof of the building.
This was where Tony founds him hours later with a mug in his hands looking uncertain. “Hey,” he says softly, “I um, made you tea.” He didn’t need to specify who it was for, he hated tea and James knew that. Tony holds out the mug towards him a little, clearly as a peace offering even though he had no idea what he did wrong and James bites his lip, not wanting to take it but not wanting to be upset with Tony either. It was a lot harder to be pissed off at him when he looked so genuinely bewildered and prepared to make up for pissing him off even though he had no idea what he did wrong to begin with. And, and this was key, this entire thing was all James’ fault anyways because he should have fucking said something. How the logical hell could Tony know that he was an entirely different person from Bucky when they had the same damn everything minus their mind? It made no sense but James wants to throw that stupid tea in Tony’s face anyways.
He doesn’t though, he takes the tea but angrily so Tony knows he isn’t forgiven yet. As per usual Tony is given an inch so he takes a mile, letting out a nervous breath and sitting beside him. “I um… think maybe you need some time to figure your shit out,” he says, earning a sharp look of anger from James. Tony winces, “don’t look at me like that, between HYDRA and Steve I think you should have time to yourself to… catch your breath, figure out where you stand as a person and as someone who basically got shot seventy years into the future with no meaningful time to catch up. Plus you basically just exited two abusive relationships, the last thing you need is a new relationship to mess you up more, especially with me. I don’t have a very good track record,” he mumbles more to himself than James.
There were several things James would have expected from that comment, but none of the things he would have predicted would have been feeling like his heart had been ripped out of his chest. He opens his mouth to speak but he feels like something has been lodged in his throat, which was peculiar at least until his vision started to water. He frowns because crying wasn’t just alien to him, it was literally the first time this had ever happened to him. He was built to be a harsh assassin made of death and destruction. There was no room for feelings in that mix and so he never felt them, not beyond the basics or so he thought. So much of his time with Tony felt different but he only now just realized that was because Tony actually made him feel something besides the usual emptiness and vague curiosity of how a person would react to death.
“Tony,” he says, not recognizing the strained, hurt tone that comes out of his mouth. The lump in his throat makes speaking beyond that impossible.
“Bucky, I’m just trying to do what’s best for you,” Tony says softly and James shakes his head sharply.
“I’m not Bucky,” he confesses softly.
Tony snorts, “see this is what I mean, clearly you need time to-”
“I’m being serious Tony. When HYDRA used electroshock therapy, and I use that word loosely, it forced him further and further back into his own mind. I don’t know when I happened; just that when Bucky is gone I’m here. Its why you’ve noticed all these weird differences and mood swings, its what Steve noticed too. Bucky has no idea I exist, don’t ask me how that works its just the way its always been and- yeah. I’m just going to shut up now,” he mumbles. That… was a lot to process and Tony obviously needed time for that.
He’d done a little research to see if there were other people like him out there, people with more than one person in their heads and there were but the general air around those people was that they were faking it for attention. James didn’t want attention though, he just wanted his own life and now it was all going down the drain faster than he had anticipated because of fucking Bucky.
Why the hell had Bucky off and gone and ruined the only thing he had? Tony was the one piece of his life that was all his until Bucky decided to swoop in and screw it all up in a matter of a week. All he wanted was something of his own and he couldn’t even have that.
It takes Tony several moments to respond but when he does he takes a deep breath to do it. “Okay, not to be a dick but what the fuck?” he asks. “What do you mean you aren’t Bucky, how the hell does electroshock therapy result in a different person, is this some sort of weird bid for attention?” he asks, frowning.
James rolls his eyes pretty hard at that. “Sweetheart, I never needed to be a secondary personality to get your attention so lets get that out of the way now,” he tells Tony in a tone that’s a touch harsh but he thinks he’s earned that much. Attention, as if James would need some kind of taboo mental illness to get people to look at him. Or Bucky for that matter. Bucky was already famous on his own and James, well, he had one of those personalities.
“And two, I don’t think it was the electroshock, at least not just that. But that’s what became the trigger for Bucky to sink into his own mind later. They- HYDRA- wanted to strip him down to nothing but… violence, death. They managed, but I don’t think they expected someone else to… form I guess. I was an accident and at first I didn’t feel anything. The world was something I had a vague curiosity about, something I liked toying with because people reacted in all sorts of weird ways. But you reacted in really weird ways. Its why I took an interest. The brass balls you’d need to look your parent’s murderer in the face and ask if they were okay had me curious. The fact that you’re you made me-” he cuts himself off and shakes his head.
This was already messier than it needed to be, no need to make it worse.
“Made you feel something,” Tony says softly. Yeah, that was one way to put it so James nods. “And Bucky? Where is he in all this? You said he didn’t know about you? How is that even possible?”
He snorts, “when you’re a mindless automaton doing HYDRA’s bidding? Easy. I was suppressed too, with the trigger words, because I wasn’t easy to control like Bucky. Shocking me, or us I guess, only suppressed him so they made the words. Anyways I was made because Bucky couldn’t handle the pain and when he gets uh… worked up I guess I end up taking over. He looses time so he knows something’s not right, but he thought it was anxiety. He wasn’t wrong, that’s why I was always there when you worked in my arm. Your set up is a lot like HYDRAs but that doesn’t scare me like it does him. But I’m always there with Bucky, always watching and I have no choice. Maybe its because I was made afterwards or something, I don’t know. But yesterday was him, not me.”
Realization dawns on Tony’s face and James is happy he doesn’t have to spell it out for him. “Trigger words?” he asks eventually, frowning.
“Yeah. They’d say these words in a certain order- they were combined with these, you know what I’ll spare you the details, point is the end result was that when they were through with the list I wasn’t really there anymore.” He could still function and see and all that, but his free will was… locked away. It was the easiest way to describe it. It was almost like being locked in Bucky’s head but without the ability to force a takeover if he needed to. He’s surprised that didn’t result in another version of him, or of Bucky, or however that worked.
Tony flops back against the small outdoor couch they were sitting on. “This got ten times more fucked up,” he mumbles.
James shrugs, “it was always this complicated, you just didn’t know that.”
“And it didn’t occur to you to say something? No offense but ‘I’m another personality that isn’t the person you think I am’ is kind of a huge deal,” he points out.
“You only wanted me to get back at Steve, I didn’t think it would matter. And I already told you I was curious and that’s it, by the time it was more complicated than that I didn’t know what to do and I just wanted something that wasn’t related to Steve or Bucky. Something of my own and then Bucky had to go and ruin that too,” he mumbles.
“He wouldn’t have had anything to ruin if you said something up front,” Tony points out.
“So what, you could go tell Steve? Then he’d start in on some crusade to get rid of me so he could keep his precious fucking Bucky to himself, who cares that that’s basically murder. It doesn’t matter if that person is seen as a mental illness instead of a human being.” He rolls his eyes, positive that this is the exact reaction Steve would have.
Tony snorts, “I hate Steve with enough passion that a simple reference to a single way he wronged me stopped a grieving king from tearing my house apart. Do you really think I would tell him anything? To be honest I probably would have kept it to myself out of spite- not my proudest moment but…” he shrugs.
“And now?” James asks, raising an eyebrow.
“And now there isn’t much of a choice but for someone to tell Steve something because he’s called like two hundred times in the last twenty four hours. I honestly wish that was an exaggeration but I’m pretty sure I might be underestimating the calls actually. Pretty sure at this point sheer hatred for me is keeping him away at the moment,” Tony says but James knew that wasn’t true. Steve was a loose canon with control issues- James figured it took one to know one- so he was sure Steve was staying away for some other reason.
He sighs, “still want to break up?” he asks and Tony gives him a look.
“I don’t even know who the fuck I’m dating so yeah, until further notice I think its safe to say this relationship is pooched.”
*
Tony frowns at Shuri’s idea of ‘bad at software’ because it was like ten times more advanced than his. “Why are you looking at me like that?” she asks.
“Because that’s way better than anything I’ve designed, I thought you said you were bad at this,” he says. He’s seen videos of what she could do in her lab as well and honestly Tony was extremely impressed with her work. There was this other kid he was keeping an eye on, Riri, and she would probably get along well with the princess. They were around the same age so Tony figured they might get along if he introduced them. Either way their brilliance was clearly the way of the future and he was outclassed. It didn’t happen often if ever and honestly he was impressed.
“I’m not, all my things are directly built to function with hardware- they work directly together. Your designs are free standing; they have their own functions. I mean technically they’re not outside of hardware obviously, but their commands aren’t directly linked to their hardware like mine are. You know like my software links into controlling planes at a distance, your software is cool lab trash cans and the ability to make 3D designs in mid air without ever attaching it to something beyond where the actual operating system is installed,” she says, waving a hand around.
She was clearly having trouble articulating her thoughts but Tony got what she meant. “So you have a hard time making software that doesn’t directly link to how you want your hardware to function, you mean?” he asks and Shuri rolls her eyes.
“Of course you’d word that better but yes, basically. So how do you do it?” she asks.
He smiles, “the good news is that you’re already much better than I am at this, and the even better news is that I’m pretty sure your confusion is because someone didn’t give you a good explanation of how to make software do the thing. Follow me,” he says, walking over to his desk, or more accurately the heart of his lab.
From there he shows Shuri how to the code worked, learned a few things about Wakandan coding systems, and then had the absolute delight of watching Shuri immediately design a trash can that was way cooler than his original in both code and actual design. She looks enthused to have learned something and Tony was pleased to have managed to be of use to her given how obviously ahead of him she was.
It was an odd position to be in given that before he met her he was the best there was, but someone had to surpass him eventually, he’d actually be disappointed it that never happened, and Shuri was it. Riri would probably get there too, but he figured she had a couple years to go before she was better than him. For now they were nearly on par, slightly in favor of him. But she was making things as a teen that he needed forty years to make- she’d be better than him in time.
“So,” Shuri says after a long while of experimenting with coding. “We bugged your living room and would greatly appreciate not being privy to your sex life.”
Tony’s jaw drops and he’s a cross between embarrassed people heard all that and horrified that the king bugged his house. “Well… maybe you guys should have minded your own business!” he counters.
Shuri nods, “that’s what I told T’Challa be he was all ‘we needed information’,” she says in a poor imitation of her brother. “I turned them off long ago, don’t tell him, but there are things I know about you that I never needed to.” She looks as horrified as Tony felt.
“Please remove them immediately,” he tells her, surprised by how much his voice resembled a parent’s. It was yet another unfamiliar feeling.
She nods, “gladly.”