Inimitable

Tony wakes up to T’Challa shaking him gently and he makes an annoyed noise, rolling over and blinking a few times. “What do you want?” Tony mumbles at him, “it feels like ass o’clock in the morning.”

T’Challa smiles gently down at him, “it is early, but you’ve gone into heat. I thought you might want to go do whatever it is omegas do,” he says.

He makes an irritated noise and flips over, grabbing T’Challa’s pillow and shoving it over his head to block out the noise so he could go back to sleep. “Tony,” T’Challa says, shaking him again.

“I will eat you,” Tony mumbles at him.

“I… just… don’t you want to go?” he asks.

“I’d rather die,” Tony tells him. “So shut up so I can sleep.”

T’Challa remains quiet for all of point two blessed seconds before he’s back to irritating Tony. “Don’t look at me like that, in my culture it’s a big deal for an omega to spend their heat with you. Its something you have to earn,” he says softly.

“Yeah, it’s a big deal in my culture too now if you’ll kindly shut the fuck up so I can go back to sleep that would be greatly appreciated,” Tony tells him, shoving T’Challa’s pillow back over his head.

It lasts less than a second. “Tony I haven’t earned this,” he says and Tony snatches his pillow back.

“That’s my choice and my choice is to sleep not that you’re making that possible right now so shush.” He places the pillow back over his head and thankfully T’Challa leaves him after that.

When he wakes back up he feels hot and sticky and vaguely like he’s waded around in that pond behind his house that’s kind of clean and he groans. “Now are you awake enough to do whatever omegas do in heat?” T’Challa asks, raising an eyebrow at him. He’s sitting beside Tony with a book in his lap looking somewhat amused but also tired.

“Have you been awake since you woke me up?” he asks, frowning.

“I had a strange urge to make sure you didn’t die in your sleep, which I can’t ensure will happen if I am also asleep. That and I wanted to be around when you woke up. You’re quite grumpy when you’re tired,” he says.

So Tony knows and it doesn’t happen often. He’s used to a lack of sleep but heats always make him more tired than usual. “Yeah well I’m still not going anywhere. I meant what I said and I don’t really know what you need to do in your culture to earn this- or even what that means- but in my culture not being a massive asshole will cut it so.” Its kind of an understatement but T’Challa has no real idea what omega oppression looks like, most no one in the country did outside of a history book. It’s a good thing, but it makes T’Challa’s horrified expression annoying because explaining what Tony means exactly involves more energy than he’s willing to expend.

“That is hardly earning anything, that’s just… what people should be,” T’Challa says.

Maybe so but that doesn’t mean it happens. “T’Challa stop arguing and just go with it okay? Its my heat, I’ll do what I want with it. Right now that’s shower,” he mumbles, rolling himself out of bed and dragging his ass to the bathroom. He can hear T’Challa moving around in their bedroom when he turns the water on, making it cooler than his skin to hopefully bring down his damn fever a little. He stays in the water for a long time, taking probably too much time in under the water but it feels nice to be there. When he finally does exit he walks back into his room to find T’Challa napping on their bed with new sheets and food sitting in the middle of the bed. Clearly he fell asleep before he could hand it off to Tony or eat it himself.

He moves the food aside and climbs into bed, settling against T’Challa before grabbing his phone and making a few calls. Its pretty easy to get who he had in mind to get on board with his plan but its his last call that yields some interesting information. “You owe me, Everett,” he reminds the man before he can actually say anything either way.

Everett sighs, “yeah, I get that but uh. We’ve already got Klaw,” he says. “And he’s saying some pretty insane things about Wakanda. Something about it being El Dorado?” he asks more than states.

Tony swears under his breath, “anyone believe him?” he asks, hoping he can head this off before it becomes a thing.

“No, not exactly. But there are uh… suspicions,” he says. “And now we’re even so-” he doesn’t get to finish that sentence because Tony cuts him off.

“We aren’t even close to even, Everett. So here’s what you’re going to do,” Tony says, giving him the plan Tony has outlined so far.

*

Okoye looks irritated, “I dislike being left out of the loop,” she tells Tony and he sighs. At least, he thinks, he has the benefit of not being in the room as her. T’Challa has these nifty bead things that he eventually figured out could make some kind of hologram call to Okoye and probably others but she’s the one he needs to speak to so he’s happy he figured out her first.

“It wasn’t my intention, General, but uh. Things got complicated,” he tells her.

She squints suspiciously, “complicated how?” she asks.

Tony sighs, “well, America has already snatched Klaw- don’t worry I’ve got a guy on it. Actually I have a whole team on it but you know, point is he’s not going anywhere and these people all know better than to talk either because they don’t want to give the American government information or because they know I’ll ruin their lives. Or both if they’re Everett. But when I was making calls I happened to call the guy currently housing Klaw, who’s singing like a canary. Unfortunately for him he just flew into a mine. I’ve sent everything I have to you,” he tells her, hoping that might make her feel better at least a little. Its not like he intended to plan much of anything without her but then Klaw was already in America yammering away so he had to do something.

Okoye gives him one last irritated look before turning to the computer that’s behind her and pulling everything he’s sent her up. “You chose a Russian spy as one of the people we are supposed to trust here?” she asks, giving him a skeptical look.

“Sure Nat’s loyalties might be flimsy but if I called Pepper- her girlfriend- and told her what Natasha really does at work their relationship would be done and she knows it. And that’s before what I could do to her job. And she sucks at gambling so she owes me ten grand. We’re actually pretty good friends but you know, if she didn’t decide to go along with it out of good will I could ruin her life,” he says. He wouldn’t, not the way she’d assume anyways, but she genuinely doesn’t know that. Try as she might she’s not very good at reading him- unusual for Natasha given her line of work.

“Retired military captain?” she asks.

“Disillusioned about America, kind of has a crush on me, owes me for finding his childhood best friend alive in some uh… shit circumstances and getting him out. He’s the social justice type- he wouldn’t give up your secrets just based on the knowledge of what America would do with it let alone the rest. Quite dependable, great ass,” Tony says. Okoye starts laughing, shaking her head as her laughter picks up and she doubles over.

He frowns, sure he hasn’t said anything funny but then T’Challa speaks. “I really don’t like that one,” he says and Tony laughs too.

“Relax, I’m married,” he says casually, snickering when Okoye starts fanning her face.

“Alright, this one is less sketchy than the last. And T’Challa’s face when you made that comment about his ass should be on a billboard everywhere. That was great,” she says, shaking her head. “What about this one? Bast, his rap sheet is ten pages long!”

Tony rolls his eyes, “don’t exaggerate, its six pages long and it’d be a lot longer if I didn’t expunge half of it. I paid for his mother’s cancer treatment and trust me his petty theft skills will be useful. Barring that he’s a bit of a twit so he’ll work nicely as a distraction we can use to escape. Quill is shockingly hard to kill so I trust he’ll actually get out alive.”

T’Challa frowns, “how did you meet him?” he asks.

“The guy robs rich people- I’m a rich people but I felt bad for the guy. He just wanted to take care of his sick mom, can’t fault a guy for stealing everything he can get his hands on to do it. I mean I didn’t think he actually liked doing it at the time but we all make mistakes and his mom is actually a very nice woman so you know, I did my good deeds and his stupid ass still went to jail but not for robbing me in particular. Now he has a much smarter partner but I don’t have anything on Rocket so Quill will have to do.” That and he’d sooner hire Ivan Vanko than Rocket. He could at least predict the actions of one of them and its not Rocket.

“What about this one. Nebula,” Okoye says.

“Oh, we mostly bonded over shitty fathers and being treated like shit because we’re omegas. Also she’s a genius strategist and a master martial artist. In like several different martial arts. And she’s got a lot of pent up anger so I figured she could let loose on Klaw or whoever else gets in our way,” he says.

“Nothing on her?” Okoye asks and Tony shakes his head.

“No, we bonded over shitty fathers and being treated like shit because we’re omegas. That’s a solid bond in America.” And then there’s the fact that she lets him blow shit up and he lets her punch people. It pays off in the end really.

“Hope, Christine?” Okoye asks, raising an eyebrow.

“Hope is going to cause problems at Pym technologies as a distraction, and Christine is ready with a bunch of articles covering up Wakanda’s involvement. Hope is a childhood friend who kind of wants revenge on her shitty dad and I gave her a good excuse to do it and Christine and I have an agreement. One I’d rather not get into the details of,” he says mostly for T’Challa’s sake. But him and Okoye give him looks and then they start pestering so he sighs. “Fine, she’s who I used to spend my heats with. Are you happy now T’Challa? Do you wish you didn’t know? I know you wish you didn’t know,” he says. Her or Bruce usually but mostly Christine. She generally had more free time and less security watching her ass so that’s just how things worked out.

“I am completely fine with this knowledge,” T’Challa says, looking muck like he’s swallowed a lemon. Or an entire tree of lemons.

Okoye snorts, “sure you are,” she says to T’Challa. “What about this one- Everett?” she asks.

Tony grins, “he’s technically not an American citizenship but guess who made sure all his paperwork and digital links matched up?” he asks.

“Where is he from?” she asks. “And why is he in America specifically?”

“He’s from what’s left of England and he’s in America because America isn’t as shit as England. But his skillset made him useful to the military and truth be told he probably likes his job if he’s willing to risk being deported back to that shithole to be there. I happen to know I did a good job though and when you get a recommendation from Howard Stark’s son people don’t not hire you.” So Everett kind of owes him his whole life and Tony hadn’t initially intended to cash in on that but he happened to need a favor or twelve so he called Everett.

“What about this one?” T’Challa asks, holding up his wrist. The beads are projecting an image of Coulson and Tony sighs.

“Necessary bullshit. Agent and I hate each other but we also have an understanding and a long standing history of owing the other favors. This is my cash in but since its kind of a big thing I now owe him something too. Which will undoubtedly be annoying to deal with but I’ve got it. And he belongs to a section of military so secret even most of the government doesn’t know about it. Trust me, he’s good,” he says.

T’Challa frowns, “if half your government doesn’t know about him how come you do?” he asks.

Tony snorts, “because I can hack all their shit. Once I hacked the Pentagon when I was thirteen because my friends dared me to. Like the government can keep secrets from me. That and my father is a founding member of said section of the government. And my aunt, but mostly my hacking skills because neither told me about that little tidbit of information. I just found some weird paperwork and followed up.”

“I can’t believe you managed to blackmail this many people into doing what you wanted,” Okoye says. “You sure this marriage was a good idea?” she asks T’Challa, who looks absolutely offended on Tony’s behalf.

“Of course it is! He can’t help growing up in a corrupt country that breeds dishonesty and bad behavior! And we’re making use of it now,” he points out.

Okoye turns back to her computer, picking up her drink and nearly dropping it when she gets to the next bit of information. “You already have Klaw?” she asks, shocked.

Tony grins, straightening up in his seat. “Yeah, I’m that good,” he says even though someone else did all the work in finding him. He just made sure that Everett is going to keep him. Well, Everett and the rest of his team but he knows that Nebula and Coulson in particular will make sure he goes nowhere.

T’Challa and Okoye, for their part, do look genuinely impressed with this.

*

Tony tries to escape T’Challa but it doesn’t work. “You stay here in bed,” he tells Tony.

He lets out a loud groan, “I’m bored in here T’Challa,” he says. “I need stuff to do. And aren’t heats supposed to turn alphas into horny bastards?” Thus far T’Challa has show zero interest in him in that particular way so he’s confused.

“You planned an entire plot in keeping a terrorist captive so that he can be brought back to Wakanda and presumably executed. We don’t even do that here but I suppose Klaw will be an exception. And no, I have no sexual feelings I just have a strange urge to make sure your eating and sleeping habits are normal and I want groom you,” he says, frowning. “This is very confusing.”

Tony squints, “you want to what?” he asks because that’s new.

“I don’t even know what my mind is telling me to do, its annoying! Is this what heats are like?” he asks and Tony frowns, shaking his head.

“I can assure you I’ve never felt inclined to groom people under any circumstance ever. Closest I’ve come is taking care of kids and that’s mostly making sure they aren’t sticky because they touch everything.” Including things you didn’t know could be touched until a kid or twelve got their hands on it.

T’Challa wrinkles his nose. “Children are gross,” he says.

“I like kids,” Tony says. “Actually I like kids a lot.” They’re honest and they don’t usually have alternative agendas beyond wanting candy.

“Well, I am expected to produce an heir,” he says, not sounding impressed about that. “Never would have taken you for the kids type though.”

“I wasn’t in America. Like I’d bring a kid into that shit storm, but Wakanda is great. I mean its got its flaws obviously but the… everything is better. There’s clean water, mostly nice people if you’re from the country, basic omega rights that aren’t questioned, Shuri. What’s not to love?” He’d feel a lot less guilty raising a kid here than elsewhere. Wakanda’s issues might be particularly challenging to deal with but Tony is confident it won’t affect any kids he has as much as being in America’s environment alone would.

“Kids are not something I want to think about in the near future. And you need to stay in bed, stop trying to escape,” T’Challa tells him.

Tony rolls his eyes, “I told you, I’m bored. Give me something to do here, I’m dying.”

“You have already had an exciting day! What more can you want after you managed to catch a terrorist?” he asks

“I mean technically I didn’t catch him, I just made sure he’d be held until we can go pick him up,” he says.

“You will not be going to pick up anyone. Not while you are in heat anyways as we both know that Okoye has roughly twenty four hours to get in and out with Klaw- any longer and people will start suspecting things and since your heat is longer than that you get to stay here,” T’Challa tells him, clearly proud of his reasoning abilities. He has no idea how stubborn Tony can be though and he’s going to find out soon.

“I need something to do,” he tells T’Challa, who gives him a look. “We could go back to that discussion of children I so kindly dropped,” he says and T’Challa sighs.

“I will find something for you to do, give me a half an hour,” he says. Tony grins, satisfied that he’s won this round.