Inimitable

Tony curls into T’Challa’s side, pleased when T’Challa wraps an arm around him. Its more… intimate than he’s used to- usually if he didn’t go with suppressants this sort of thing is more of a business transaction than much else. He supposes that it also helps that he genuinely likes T’Challa and not in a ‘thanks for helping me out, buddy’ kind of way like with Bruce or Christine.

“Okoye wants me to come along on this… excursion,” T’Challa murmurs. They both know what he means- picking up Klaw. Lucky, Tony supposes, that America did half the work for them in catching and securing the guy.

“Great,” Tony says. “When do we leave?”

T’Challa frowns down at him, “‘we’ are not doing anything. I am leaving tomorrow,” he says.

Yeah, that’s what he thinks.

*

Nakia does a double take when she sees him and Tony grins, “yeah, didn’t think you’d see me, did you?” he asks, pleased with himself. He has no idea how no one noticed him but he isn’t going to whine about it now. The fact that he managed to sneak in in between weapons being loaded into the plane is something he’s more grateful for than anything. It probably helps that W’Kabi is causing a small fuss about who got to do what, which is clearly irritating Okoye.

“You don’t smell like you’re in heat,” she says, sniffing the air around him.

He wrinkles his nose and waves her off. “I feel like its rude so sniff for heats no matter what country you’re in. Nose to yourself. And I uh, forgot about those suppressants I brought with me but they’re handy now. God knows I would have been busted smelling like some fucking Wakandan flower,” he mumbles. Nakia frowns, obviously confused and Tony shrugs. “That’s just what T’Challa said, I don’t know what your country’s flowers smell like. In America they kind of smell like cyanide.”

“That’s awful,” Nakia says, giving him a pitying look but Tony shrugs.

“Could be worse. Ever smelled our water before its filtered? Smells like death.” That would make sense if there were dead things in there, but there are mostly live things in there. Granted the fish is utterly uneatable now and they didn’t figure that out for a good ten years, but the good news was that the cancer rates are much smaller now that no one eats the fish.

“I would have thought America had better conditions than most of the countries I’ve been to,” she says softly.

Tony shrugs, he doesn’t know much about most countries conditions really. “It probably does, but compared to Wakanda it’s a fucking trash heap.” Next to Wakanda next to everything- actually no, it’s a safe bet that everyone sucks at least when comparing environmentalism.

“This is why we should share resources,” Nakia says, shaking her head. “People don’t deserve to live like that.”

“I take it you haven’t met any American politicians, then,” he says. They all suck, every single one though occasionally there was one or two that only sort of suck. But they’re rare and don’t usually last long.

“I’m sure even your politicians deserve better,” she says.

“Ehh, you haven’t met Brock Rumlow. Total prick, very possibly a nazi, has a weird amount of people who agree with his really terrifying policies that blatantly shit on the Constitution. He can eat a fish or two and I wouldn’t be that upset about it.” No one with a half a brain and critical thinking skills would be sad if Rumlow fell off a cliff but he’s certain the tainted environment has killed some brain cells in his home country or something.

“Eat a fish?” Nakia says, frowning.

“Yeah, they’re real fucked up now. Generally help cause cancer more than literally anything else. Sometimes they have like four eyes or something- I have a friend who sends me pictures of all the freaky fish he gets,” he says, snickering. Bruce didn’t find them as amusing but he has no sense of humor regarding his work. Tony thinks humor is necessary in every situation, including dealing with contaminated fish. Actually given how depressing contaminated food sources are comedy might be more helpful there than in Tony’s profession.

Naki looks horrified but he doesn’t think too hard about it. He has some phone calls to make that are more important than whatever is happening in America this week. His plans get disrupted quickly when T’Challa spots him though. “No! No, you go home,” he says, making a shooing motion at Tony.

He frowns, “did you just… shoo me? I’m on a plane, how am I supposed to just leave?” he asks.

“I am turning this thing around,” T’Challa says and Tony rolls his eyes, hurrying over to T’Challa before he can do something stupid.

“You are not turning an entire plane around because you don’t want me here, that’s ridiculous,” he says. T’Challa goes to turn around anyways and Tony jumps in front of him, “test your luck and I’ll go rat you out to W’Kabi. He’ll argue with you long enough that turning around would be basically impossible with our timeline,” he says.

T’Challa gives him an unimpressed look. “I dislike your ability to twist things to go your way,” he says.

Tony grins, “get in line with everyone else waiting for me to care. And don’t look so grumpy, you’re not the first person I’ve managed to work around. I do what I want,” he says. T’Challa still looks unimpressed but he shouldn’t, not really. Tony generally only pressed his luck with people he either had no respect for or people he’s confortable with. Clearly T’Challa is the latter.

“I would prefer if you did less of what you want,” T’Challa mumbles at him.

“Not gunna happen honey. I have things to do though so,” he says, waving a hand around and walking off while T’Challa gives him a confused look.

“How does he have things to do, he just got here,” T’Challa says to Nakia.

“You should expect more from him by now, T’Challa,” Nakia tells him and Tony laughs. Ain’t that the truth.

Tony takes off to another section of the plane though, earning a confused look from one of the Dora Milaje on the plane. Ayo, he thinks her name is. She works with Okoye a lot anyways. When he gets to a quieter section of the plane he digs that bracelet he got from Shuri out of his pocket, curious about it. He’d work out the details of how it works later, but for now he had gotten a crash course in bracelet from Shuri, who whole heartedly encouraged this whole plan because she resented being left out too. He’s half surprised she didn’t follow him on too though in her defense she’d be missed in the lab. Apparently she gets a role in all this but Tony gets left in the dust. Well, T’Challa will learn not to do something so stupid later.

He examines the bracelet for a moment; skeptical that it could do what he needed it to mostly because it seems odd that tech this advanced would be able to make a simple audio phone call. He does what Shuri told him to anyways, surprised when he can hear ringing through the bracelet. Weird. Rhodey answers promptly as usual and Tony grins, “hey platypus, if you want to make up being a dickhead to me I have a task for you,” he says, cutting right to the point.

“You’re already doing something, Everett is acting weird,” Rhodey says.

Thankfully he’s probably the only one who would even notice that, but in the interest of being thorough Tony asks about it. “No one else has noticed anything, right?” he asks.

“No Tony, no one else could possibly tie Everett acting weird to you. I just happen to know you probably blackmailed him into doing something for you because he owes you. What is it you need me to do?” he asks. Well, if nothing else he’s dependable even if he makes stupid decisions sometimes.

“I need you to hack some stuff,” he says and Rhodey groans.

“I can’t keep hacking the damn air force every time you need me to! They’re going to catch on eventually,” he says.

Tony wrinkles his nose, “no they won’t. I have full confidence that you’re much smarter than anyone investigating the hacks,” he says.

Rhodey snorts, “of course I am, but that doesn’t make me infallible.”

“Well you can give me your passwords and I can do it myself,” he points out.

Rhodey sighs, “I can’t keep giving you my passwords either, Tony.” They remain silent for a few moment before Rhodey lets out another sigh, “fine I’ll hack the military,” he mumbles.

“Great. I just need a distraction. Give ‘em another cryptid of something, we had fun making up that swamp thing,” he says. Then several branches of both the government and the military spend a weird amount of time investigating what was obviously bullshit.

“I’m not making up another cryptid, I briefly got assigned to that case and I don’t like how good a job we did. Have you read the conspiracy theories lately? People keep seeing this thing we made up when we were drunk and in our twenties. Every time I hear about it I want to tell people how stupid they are,” Rhodey says. Tony doesn’t need to see him to know he’s shaking his head.

“No, but you should hear Wakanda’s conspiracy theories. Fucking nuts. Anyways are you in America right now?” he asks.

“I swear to god if you want me to break into the Pentagon again I am not doing that. Last time I ended up having fake telepathic powers when I just knew the guys who were working that day and I know how lazy they are and took advantage of it. So I’m not breaking into the Pentagon. Again.” Tony snickers because that had been fun. He had had the blueprints in front of him and they mostly just fucked around but Tony had Rhodey steal a bunch of SHIELD files too. He’d been curious and Rhodey is too willing to go along with his plans. Pepper had been furious with them both but read the files along with them.

“I need you to break into the Pentagon,” he says just to be an ass and Rhodey lets out a third long suffering sigh.

“What do you need this time?” Rhodey asks and Tony laughs.

“I’m kidding, I need you to make sure Everett doesn’t lose a guy named Ulysses Klaw,” he says. “I’m assuming you know where he’s kept since you’ve noticed Everett being weird. Also tell Everett to stop being weird or he’ll fuck us both. Dude is a trained professional, tell him to get his shit together,” Tony tells him.

For a moment Rhodey is silent and Tony knows there’s a frown on his face, which means he isn’t going to like what happens next so he waits for the bad news. “Klaw? I just picked that guy up,” he says.

“That was you?” Tony asks even though he shouldn’t be surprised. If anyone is efficient enough to find and capture a wanted terrorist its Rhodey.

“Yeah. Why do you have an interest in him though?” he asks.

Tony sighs, “classified, honeybee. Just make sure the military is chasing its tail,” he says.

Rhodey remains silent for a moment for a moment. “Alright Tony. Just… don’t do something more stupid than usual. And for the record I really am sorry. Marrying you off was such a stupid, absurd plan that I didn’t think anyone would actually do it. I thought we’d straight up invade Wakanda before sending you there as a fucking gift,” he says.

“Yeah well, they think vibranium is going to solve all their problems and lets be real, Howard probably wanted to get rid of me. What happened seems like a decent way to achieve both of those things. And I know you didn’t… mean for this all to happen. But you were still an ass for not saying anything and you’re an even bigger ass for assuming someone else was going to have to deal with all this.” Granted it probably hasn’t occurred to Rhodey that half this plan was developed specifically on the notion that T’Challa would be like… attracted to his omega wiles or whatever. He wouldn’t need to consider that- all he needed to consider was Tony’s personality and that told him this had all been a bad plan. Which is was. But his personality hadn’t been what American operatives had been hoping would charm the prince. Personally he thinks that’s just as offensive to T’Challa as it is to him- as if T’Challa would spontaneously lose critical thinking skills because omega. But that’s how people think in America.

“Yeah, I uh… didn’t really think that through. Are you happy though? Because you seemed more than fine the last time I called,” he says.

Tony considers lying but he knows Rhodey will know. Even if he hadn’t known Tony for fifteen years he’s not stupid. He knows how to listen for a lie and he has a lot of experience doing it too. So Tony tells the truth, “Yeah actually. Turns out T’Challa isn’t a giant twat, he’s actually pretty sweet. And Wakanda is surprisingly nice given that you know. Its got a shit ton of fabric.” He knows Rhodey doesn’t buy that last bit but he’ll deal with that later. At the moment he has other things he needs to be doing.

*

Nakia and Okoye watch T’Challa chase after Tony trying to gather more information on Rhodey, his childhood best friend. “Who nicknames friends ‘honeybee’ or ‘platypus’?” he asks.

Tony squints at him, clearly taking offense. “I do,” he says. “Keep acting like an ass and your nickname will be ‘divorced’,” he adds, causing Nakia and Okoye to start laughing at the horror that appears on T’Challa’s face. “Jeeze, relax about it, I’m not actually going to divorce you. Just… leave the Rhodey thing alone. I’ve known him for fifteen years; I’ve had lots of time to consider marrying him before I married you. He’s not my type.”

“He is good entertainment,” Okoye tells Nakia.

She smiles, shaking her head. “He is. He’s good for T’Challa too- doesn’t let him get away with things.” Most would be too frightened of his status to stand up to him, its happened in the past, but Tony doesn’t seem daunted by it. Maybe its because he has a similar status to T’Challa’s in his home country, or maybe its because he has a disconnect with the way Wakanda receives their royalty, or maybe that’s just his personality but either way its good that he doesn’t allow T’Challa to walk all over him.

“Eh. I would have preferred you but he’s not the worst second choice in the world,” Okoye says.

Nakia shakes her head, “I’m not sure T’Challa and I ever could have worked out. But I’m hoping I can get Tony to talk him into a few things. He’s a useful weakness to exploit.”

Okoye snorts, shaking her head. “If you could get me a Starbucks I would be grateful. I want to see what the Americans are on about.”