“Sam, you seriously need to stop buying underwear that’s two sizes too small. I think I have eight ass cheeks now,” Tony tells him, all but yelling it across the room.
“They’re supposed to be tight, Stark, deal with it,” Sam yells back at him from behind the camera, shaking his head.
“Not tight enough that I have no blood flow to my dick and a four pack on my ass,” he tells him, giving his poor butt a pitying look. They weren’t that tight but he’s known for his dramatics so its not like that was out of character really. “So who am I working with today anyways? I didn’t recognize the name,” he says. They all had ridiculous code names and this one was new so he was curious. Also Winter Solider was a pretty sweet code name, much better than Iron Man not that he’d ever admit that out loud. Tony just thought it could be a funny pun and it was one of his favorite songs. Who doesn’t love some Black Sabbath?
“Um, me?” a small voice says from across the shoot. Tony raises an eyebrow when he spies the guy. Tall, attractive, and clearly nervous.
He looks over at Sam, “you gave me a newbie? And a guy?” he asks.
“That’s unusual?” Newbie asks and Tony shrugs.
“Not entirely, but usually I’m with Nat. Black Widow,” he clarifies. “You’ll get used to the code name thing that literally no one uses but we refuse to get rid of.” It made things confusing to new comers but that was fine- they all adjusted eventually or they realized this wasn’t for them and backed out.
“Nat was ‘sick’ and she’s having a blast with Pepper in Italy. Apparently she forgot we all follow her Instagram,” Sam says, laughing. Newbie looks confused at the prospect of someone calling in sick only to have all her coworkers see she wasn’t sick at all but they all knew each other way too well to care.
“You’ll get used to that too,” Tony tells him. “Once Clint called in lost because his stupid ass got on the wrong flight and he ended up some small town called Medicine Hat in Canada. That’s a real place, look it up- we all thought it was fake too.” Canada was a weird and unusual place.
“And this is why I gave you the new guy, you’re good at making things feel less porn-y,” Sam says.
Tony snorts, “so not true, I’m just personable and have a fantastic personality on top of being sex on legs,” he says. Sam rolls his eyes at him but they both knew it was true. There was a reason that he and Natasha were the two most popular models here- both of them had enough personality that it showed up in pictures and they were both gorgeous. It made them easier to relate and get off to. Not that Tony thought too much about that last part after That One Time but you know, it was part of the job.
“Yeah, yeah, get your sexy legs over to Bucky so I can get this over with. Steve said he’s making lasagna for dinner and you know how I feel about that,” he says.
Yeah, they all knew Sam’s kink was anything with noodles and sauce, or food in general. He’s a bit of a foodie and generally got offended when Tony didn’t care so long as it was either edible or a cheese burger. Unless it was squid or other creepy sea creatures, then he refused to eat the food. Especially after that time Sam poured soy sauce on his squid and the fucking thing started dancing. Its his personal opinion that creepy sea creatures should stay in the sea. But Sam got cranky if he didn’t get his pasta so Tony sighs, walking over to Bucky to check him out.
“Let me guess, someone needs to fund grad school?” he asks and Bucky’s eyebrows go up in surprise. “Don’t look so shocked hot stuff, you’re not the only one funding education. I grew up rich but my asshole dad cut me off when I refused to do what he wanted so porn it was. I mean it was a joke at the time, but Sam insisted it paid well especially if you get popular. Which I did. And now I kind of like this better than inventing stuff. Probably because I hate clothing and should be a nudist, but won’t risk nudity in the New York chill,” he says.
Sure he could just move somewhere else, but he had friends here and liked the city. Plus he lived in constant fear that being naked all the time would result in bugs in places no bug had a right to go. Pepper told him he was ridiculous but Rhodey sympathized.
Bucky lets out a nervous laugh, “you kind of talk a lot,” he says and Tony makes an offended noise.
“Rude, you just don’t talk enough,” he counters.
“I think you’ve talked more in the last ten minutes than I have in my entire life,” Bucky says and Sam snorts.
“So not true, he never shuts the fuck up when Steve brings him home for dinner. Like a stray,” he says.
Bucky gives Sam a dirty look, probably the first sign that he was less nervous since he got here. “Eat it Wilson, Steve’s only with you because he has low standards,” he says and Tony’s eyebrows fly up.
“You two know each other? And you’ve never introduced me? I’m offended,” he says, hand pressed to his heart. “Also you, go over there. And Sam, why the hell is that couch leather, now I’m going to fucking stick to it and you know what’s really not sexy? The sound a human being makes when they’re peeled off a couch,” he says. “Actually you know what no, Bucky you sit and I’m sitting on you because I am not being peeled off a couch today. And what did Pietro do to your hair? You look like my prom date,” he mumbles more to himself than anyone else.
Bucky follows his instructions at least and Sam follows behind with the camera clicking away. Bucky spares a glance over Tony’s shoulder, clearly confused on how he was getting anything but Sam had an eye for these things. The man could find sex in just about anything. He managed to find something sexy in Clint and Phil and their shoots were literally Phil chasing Clint around putting things back where they belonged after Clint messed them up for an hour. But damn did their pictures come out steamy. Tony had no idea how Sam managed.
“Focus, pretty boy,” Tony tells him. “Also you can touch me, I’m not a leper and this is soft core porn- touching is expected but if you do anything that results in me being peeled from this couch I can’t do anything about it, but know I will be very disappointed,” he says. And with that he reaches out and runs his fingers through Bucky’s over gelled hair because someone needed to free it from its hellish confines. Damn Pietro and his gel, Tony always had to beat him off with a stick when he came at his head. His hair is fluffy and glorious on its own, why try and force him into the fucking fifties greaser look? This is porn, not Grease the musical.
Thankfully after that Bucky is far less stiff and the shoot ends up being a success and an hour longer than expected, which Sam claims is a good thing but everyone else clearly hates. Tony also manages to get Bucky mostly undressed, he stole Bucky’s tie, and somewhere in the mix only one of Bucky’s shoes go missing but no one remembers how this happened. The good news, though, was that it was all a success.
Steve’s eyes bug out of his head and Tony raises an eyebrow. “Dude, what the hell?” he asks. Bucky looked nervous off to the side but Tony already knew he didn’t need to be. When you got called in on your day off about the last shoot you did it usually wasn’t bad news. Given Steve’s reaction Tony’s assuming its the opposite. Either that of it turned out so bad they somehow bankrupted the company or something but he couldn’t imagine Sam’s pictures came out that bad.
Bucky shoots Tony a nervous look and he smiles a little because this probably wasn’t bad news. “We had to print more three times and it was only released a week ago,” Steve says, still giving Sam’s computer a wide eyed look.
“Told you it’d pay off,” Sam sing songs, looking pleased with himself. This wasn’t the first time it’s happened and Tony doubted it would be the last either.
“Is... that not normal?” Bucky asks, reminding them all that he’s fresh even if he apparently knew Sam and Steve before all this.
“Most we usually reprint is three times in a month,” Tony says. “So congrats, apparently you’re good.”
“I think that’s mostly you, I had the nervous shits for a week,” Bucky says, prompting Tony to burst out laughing and Sam to make a note to himself on his clip board.
“Well nervous ass and bowels or no clearly the shoot turned out okay,” Tony points out.
Sam snorts, “okay? I had one hell of a time choosing pictures and usually that’s the easy part,” he says. “You two have a lot of chemistry and I’m about to make a lot of money off your naked asses.” He looks enthused and Bucky rolls his eyes at his dramatics.
“Maybe next time we should throw Natasha in for good measure. You know, as a Christmas present/ holiday gift kind of deal. That might go well,” Steve suggests.
Sam considers it for a moment, humming to himself. “Kind of niche, but if we play our cards right it might work out. We should screen test him with Natasha first,” he suggests.
“Natasha is fucking hilarious and a meme lord, you’ll be fine with her, trust me,” Tony tells Bucky, grinning at him when he looks nervous all over again.
Bucky sits with a bowl of soup, his cat, Tony of all people, and his roommate that was probably going to steal this damn magazine if the way Quill was eyeing it up was any indication. “Stop staring at me,” Bucky mumbles, pulling the magazine away from Peter’s grasp.
“You do know the entire point is for him to stare, right?” Tony says.
He wrinkles his nose, “well he can do so when I’m not sitting right here. Save it in the spank bank, Quill,” he tells him.
“Fucking done dude- I had no idea you were so hot. Probably because I’ve witnessed you eating Hot Pockets at three am crying over the stove but still. Also you have the best ass I have ever seen. And I’ve seen some nice asses,” Peter tells Tony.
Tony gives a shameless shrug, “thanks. I eat a lot of gelato.”
Bucky flips through the pictures that basically radiate sex and frowns, “I don’t remember things being this sexy on set,” he says, looking at a picture of Tony running his fingers through his hair. It had been near the beginning of the shoot, Bucky had been sure his nervous asshole was about to let out an unpleasant surprise, and Tony had been babbling away mostly to himself, but the picture came out fantastic. How the hell they were looking at each other with that much heat in their gaze while Tony purposefully messed up his hair making Grease jokes he had no idea and that was just the beginning.
There was one where Tony had been laid out across that couch- something Bucky did because Tony kept whining about it and he thought it’d be funny- but the picture didn’t show any of that. Bucky was leaned over Tony with one wrist captured in his grasp, holding it above Tony’s head pinned to the couch arm while Tony’s back was arched towards a grinning Bucky. He was looking down at Tony with what looked like power in his gaze, like he knew what he was doing was pressing all the right buttons for Tony and Tony knew it too. The picture looked hot but in real life Tony was doing his best not to stick to the couch while Bucky was doing his best to ensure he had no choice but to be peeled off later. It was funny in the studio but damn, Sam had some talent with that camera.
“Things are never that sexy on set. Its all meant to look good on camera- wait till you get to the more... uh, risque stuff. Its all ridiculously uncomfortable positions but it looks good on camera. People aren’t shitting you when they say porn is all fake. Mostly its leg cramps and bad boob jokes,” Tony says as Peter reaches out and tries to snatch Bucky’s magazine.
“Stop that, you can’t jerk off to your roommate, its weird,” Bucky says, holding the pages hostage.
“Not when you’re doing softcore porn, dude. Besides we both know this will end in one of two ways. Either you give the sexy goods or I break into your room when you’re not home and steal it. Choice is yours,” Peter tells him.
Tony sighs and hands over his own copy of the magazine, leading to Peter jumping up and yelling happily. “See you fucking later,” he says, all but jumping over them to get to his room.
Bucky looks after him, horrified. “You can’t jerk off with us like five feet away!” he yells after him.
“I do it all the time, Barnes,” Peter yells back.
“I feel like Bro Code states you can’t jerk off to another bro,” Bucky says.
Peter reappears for a brief moment, squinting at him. “Dude seriously just went ‘no homo’ on gay porn,” he says to Tony, shaking his head as Tony starts laughing.
“Do you get used to that too?” Bucky asks Tony but he shakes his head.
“Worst I got was some big ass dude in a huge purple monkey blue suit who confessed to some uh, pretty dirty things to me. After that I just stopped thinking about it,” he says.
“I’m never going stop thinking about the fact that my roommate jerked it to me once,” Bucky mumbles, looking off into the distance, haunted.
“If it makes you feel any better I got a call out of the blue from my mom last year, which I thought meant she was leaving my asshat father but nope. Turns out she found his porn stash and guess what he has a subscription to? I never needed to know my dad was in any way involved with porn. I needed to know less that he found me in the porn. Needless to say that was an awkward conversation,” Tony says, wincing.
Bucky shakes his head, “you’re right, that’s way worse than Peter I would die. Wanna get high and watch stupid sci-fi movies?” he asks. “I have all the perfect foods to eat when baked.”