“Are we fifteen?” Tony asks, squinting at Natasha.
“No, we’re full blown adults but since we’re all trapped in this shitty elevator until we’re rescued I thought we’d play a game,” Natasha says, rolling her eyes at him.
T’Challa gives her a suspicious look, “this feels like a strange cross between Saw and Truth or Dare,” he says.
Bucky frowns, “I know what neither of those things have to do with us,” he says.
“They’re horror movies, buddy,” Tony informs him. T’Challa, because he’s the literal devil, has been doing his best to catch up on American horror because he’s some kind of freak and loves the genre. Not so much in American, but he still makes an effort to watch the damn movies while Tony shrieks in fear at the music alone.
“No thank you,” Bucky says politely, standing up and walking over to the door elevator door and he tries to pry it open. Obviously that doesn’t work so he sighs and sits back down, giving up immediately and resigning himself to a horror movie plot. Tony thinks this might be the most relatable thing Bucky has ever done.
“So Stark, truth or dare?” Natasha asks.
He rolls his eyes, “fine, truth.” He only picks it because there’s limited space for dares and he doesn’t feel like being naked at the moment and everyone knows that’s where these games always went.
“Do you love T’Challa or Bucky more?” she asks and Tony squints.
“What the fuck kind of question is that?” he asks, offended.
“If parents have favorite kids poly people have favorite partners so fess up Stark, which one do you love more?” she asks.
He lets out a sigh as both T’Challa and Bucky lean forward in interest and shrugs. “Depends on the day. If T’Challa is into some more fucking horror movies and laughing as I scream then Bucky, but if I have to put up with Bucky’s family in a church on Yom Kippur than T’Challa,” he says honestly. The question, he thinks, relies on him loving both his partners in the same way and he doesn’t. They’re different people and Tony fell in love with them for totally different reasons. T’Challa keeps up with him intellectually in ways few could, and sometimes surpassed him, but Bucky understands the way he feels when he’s at his lowest in a way T’Challa never could. He supposes he can’t blame Natasha for making normal assumptions about how his relationship works even if it still annoys him.
“Synagogue,” Bucky corrects and Tony wrinkles his nose.
“Whatever, same shit,” he says. Church is church no matter what fancy name you give it. T’Challa gives him one of those looks, the ones he gets when he thinks Tony is being an ass but he refuses to apologize. He only does that when he’s actually sorry and since he’s an atheist he can’t offend Bucky’s magical sky fairy or any of T’Challa’s magical sky fairies. Bucky probably feels differently toward T’Challa than Tony in regards to that- which makes sense considering they all know Tony has no love lost in regards to religion. Or anything else he deems utterly useless or lacking a scientific backing.
Natasha rolls her eyes at him, “boring,” she says, “I knew I should have asked about the Chinese swim team.”
Tony snorts, “the rumors are mostly true,” he tells her.
T’Challa raises an eyebrow, “what’s that mean?” he asks and Bucky sighs.
“Nothing you want to know about. Tony, make Natasha’s dare good,” he says and Nat raises an eyebrow.
“How do you know I’ll pick dare?” she asks.
“Because Tony would obviously ask about your creeptastic uncle if you pick truth and you’re not willing to talk about that so that really only leaves you one answer,” Bucky points out.
Natasha rolls her eyes, “what’s the dare, Tony?” she asks and he grins.
“Lick the bottom of Clint’s shoe,” he says and even Clint winces at that.
“I’m so sorry,” he says, pulling a shoe off and handing it over. Natasha is a level of disgusted Tony has never seen on her face before, which really only makes his revenge sweeter.
“When the fire department rescues us like a bunch of kittens stuck in a tree they’re going to find us all covered in your blood, Stark,” she warns him, giving Clint’s shoe one last disgusted look before giving it a healthy lick. Tony gags for her because that’s disgusting but Natasha, true to Russian stereotypes, reacts like she hasn’t just done something that the average person would cry doing.
“Alright, seems how Natasha started with no understanding of polyamory and Tony is apparently a sadistic human being I will go next,” T’Challa says. “I missed out on this due to my lack of experience with American high school parties anyways. So Bucky, truth or dare?” he asks, smiling when Bucky looks ready to sink into the floor.
“Truth,” he mumbles, apparently unwilling to test what the Wakandan prince would come up with for a dare.
“What is the worst things you’ve ever done in a religious space?” T’Challa asks and Clint snorts.
“Oh, this is gunna be good,” he says as Bucky gives Tony a panicked look. He grins, pleased with himself because he already knows the answer to this one. T’Challa raises an eyebrow, obviously not aware of the answer and really that’s a shame. Tony needs to up his church desecration game honestly.
Bucky sighs and looks at the ground. “One time Tony and I snuck into this Catholic church and uh… we um…” he trails off, red in the face so Tony sighs and takes over.
“We fucked in a confessional booth. That’s right, before the eyes of god. Bet he enjoyed that peep show, though to be fair with the history of the Catholic church that’s not a high bar to pass…” he says, making a face.
Everyone else winces too and T’Challa frowns, “what history of the Catholic church, what could they have done to outshine Bucky desecrating god?” T’Challa asks.
“Not my god,” Bucky mumbles under his breath.
“Oh as if you’re sitting over there pretending you haven’t got nasty in a Synagogue,” Tony says, shaking his head.
“Pedophile priests, T’Challa,” Clint says, apparently taking pity on the confused prince.
T’Challa’s eyes bug out of his head, “oh! Okay there is a way to get worse than that, wow. Also you two are deplorable,” he tells Tony and Bucky.
“There has been no synagogue sex,” Bucky says in his own defense.
“Oral sex literally has sex in the name, dumbass,” Tony tells him; squinting because that might be one of the top dumbest things he’s ever heard. And he’s heard Justin Hammer speak an unfortunate amount of times.
“How is this overshadowing pedophile priests?” T’Challa asks, frowning.
“Old news,” Tony explains, “so who’s next? I want to know how many street tacos Clint really eats a week because Coulson is under the impression you only eat like one and I’ve seen you scarf down seven in pretty much just as many seconds at least three times this week so that’s obviously a lie.”
“That’s a secret I’ll never tell,” Clint says, giving Tony a look.
T’Challa squints, “did you just quote Gossip Girl?” he asks and Bucky snorts.
“You know he quoted Gossip Girl?” he asks.
“Yes, because you watch the stupid show every time Tony isn’t around to make fun of you for it. I can’t believe you just tried to pin your bad television habits on me,” T’Challa says, offended.
“Gossip Girl is trash. Serena got literally zero good story lines, they were all centered around these boring guys,” Tony says, rolling his eyes. Go figure, the only character on that stupid show he could relate to and it was all about who she’s dating this week instead of her as a person. Or that one time she didn’t even kill that guy, what a let down.
Clint and Natasha exchange a look before they start laughing, “you watch Gossip Girl?” Nat asks Tony, shaking her head. “And I thought your taste in music was shit,” she mumbles.
“Excuse you the eighties was the best for one. For two I was bored one night and decided to watch a stupid show and that was on,” Tony says, shrugging.
“Does Blair end up with the prince?” Bucky asks and Tony shakes his head.
“No, she marries Chuck, whom we’re apparently supposed to forget is a serial rapist I guess,” he says and T’Challa makes that face he gets when he thinks America has done something particularly stupid.
Bucky grins, “so you’ve seen all six seasons, then?” he asks and Tony swears under his breath. “Guess you either kept up with it for years or binge watched it all on Netflix but either way you watched the whole damn show. Also Dan is the literal worst,” Bucky adds. “And if I had a friend like Blair I’d ditch her immediately.”
Yeah, Rhodey didn’t like her either but Tony appreciates a good scheme when he sees one even if her jealousy over Serena got boring and- he has too many opinions on a teen drama. A teen drama. “I need a life,” he mumbles more to himself than anyone else.
“Oh apparently you have one and it has been witnessed by the Catholic god,” T’Challa says, shaking his head. “You too,” he adds to Bucky.
“Okay you know what, Catholic churches are extra as hell okay? They’ve got decorations all over the place, incense waving around, they were made to fuck in,” Bucky says. Clint and Natasha burst out laughing.
“Told you this would get us some entertainment in here. We know Tony watches Gossip Girl and actually has real opinions on it, and apparently Tony and Bucky screw in churches in their spare time. Gold,” she says, grinning.
“You know what, fuck you,” Tony tells her, flipping her off.
*
T’Challa looks between Bucky and Tony. “A church, really?” he asks. “What were you two, a Jewish person and an atheist, even doing in the vicinity of a Catholic church?” he asks.
Bucky looks away and T’Challa knows there’s a story there so he sighs, waiting for whatever absurd thing that Tony will reveal because Bucky is too ashamed. “We sought it out- it was a bucket list item,” he says and T’Challa pinches the bridge of his nose.
“I love you both but what?” he asks, shaking his head.
“Oh as if you haven’t done anything you shouldn’t in a totally inappropriate place,” Bucky says in his own defense.
Of course he has, but he’d die before he told anyone about Nakia and the throne room and so would she. Like normal human beings, not blabber mouth Americans.