Duty & Pleasure

It was a little before 7am yet Beatrice was wide awake, her newest book already finished next to her on the couch. It was still slightly dark outside, but the sun finally started to make its presence known. It wasn't out of character for the nun to be awake at such an hour, the lack of sleep however was more unusual. 

On their bed, Ava was soundly asleep. Beatrice felt a bit envious toward Ava and her capacity to sleep through anything. 

Since the sky was about to become more clear, she decided to take a much needed run, before the training session planned with Ava during the day. 

She went to their closet, took her running gear and headed to the bathroom to change. 

As she locked the door, she exhaled loudly, letting a sigh she didn’t know she was holding.

She took a brief glance at the small bathroom, remembering how she stayed hidden there the night before.

Last night, they made it to the couch, and kissed there again. If she had to describe them, she'd say they were chaste, shy even, surrounded by their own curiosity. Beatrice could feel the heat from her cheek returning, just by thinking about it again. 

By the time they were exchanging those kisses on the couch, the halo wasn't glowing anymore, or so she believed it wasn't, Beatrice has a hard time remembering anything beside Ava's lips. 

They eventually stopped when Ava's stomach grumbled. Both women laughed and Beatrice went back to stir their dinner. Ava switched their old TV on, and the rest of the evening looked like any other evening they shared. 

They didn’t bring up what happened between them.

Beatrice excused herself to the bathroom to shower however it was when she had a breakdown. She remained seated by the shower door for quite a long time, again everything was a blur, trying to fight her emotion. 

The problem when your boxes are not enough anymore is that all emotions escape at the same time, they’re all fighting to hit the surface first.

She felt guilty, ashamed and was mad at herself. She should not have kissed Ava, she could hear a voice in her head telling her it was wrong, and it hit her guts so hard she felt nauseous. 

But if it was so wrong, why did her whole body also warm up at the memory?

She always felt at ease whenever she was spending time with Ava. With her everything seemed so easy, so simple. Overthinking was a second nature to Beatrice, but when she was with Ava, mending their day, Beatrice felt so spontaneous and without the fear of being judged.

She was torn between shame and bliss, resulting in an anxiety Beatrice was not used to, and she hated the feeling of it.

By the time she left the bathroom, clothed with her running gear, Ava was still asleep. A deja vu from the night before, as Ava went to sleep while she was freaking out on the floor of the bathroom.

Ava was on her stomach, arms and legs spread out on the bed, hair all over her pillow.

She looked so cute, Beatrice couldn’t help but smile at the sight. How unfair it was that the fate of the world was literally on her shoulders ?  

She took her notebook and tore a page, writing a small message to the Warrior Nun. With all these conflicting feelings, she really needed that run to clear her mind.

—-

Ava woke up an hour later and almost threw the alarm away, she again forgot to shut it off last night. Would she ever be able to sleep in when she was not on duty in the morning? 

She slowly opened her eyes, adjusting to the bright room. When her brain finally caught up with her, she bounced off the bed and looked around the apartment.

“Bea ?” she called, only meeting silence.

She stood up and went to the kitchen and saw on her way the note Beatrice left:

I went for a run, I’m coming back around 9. 

She smiled as she read the note, of course Beatrice wouldn’t leave without telling her about her whereabouts.

Ava used the hour she had on her own for leisure, sprawled over the couch, with some music on and Tik Tok as a way to pass time. She made a hot cup of cocoa that was cooling on the small table in front of the couch.

Her phone vibrated on her hands as she received a message from “Shitface”. She snorted at the nickname, Drunk Ava must have felt so smart writing it down when she saved JC’s contact.

[U good dwarf?]

[Alive, you? Also I’m not a dwarf, Shitface.]

[Hungover but alive. What are you then, a hobbit?]

[Fuck you.]

[Language Ava! Do you kiss your nun with that mouth?]

She knew he was just teasing her but dammit JC, why did he have to say this?

Ava didn’t need a reminder of the kiss they shared last night.

Well Shit, Kisses.

It was on her mind all night, in her dream as well, and scrolling through tik tok that morning was a poor attempt to not think about it.

She kissed Beatrice.

Holy fuck, she kissed Beatrice.

When did she get bold enough to do this ?? 

Sure thing, after all the shitstorm from the day before, Ava felt like a mess. The fight she had with Beatrice bothered her so much, she ended up shedding frustration tears. At that moment all she wanted to do was to shout about how she would never expose the OCS to anybody, as the only partner she wished she had would be Beatrice herself.

She then hugged her out of fear, she felt she had disappointed the Nun and couldn’t bear with the thought of it. Anybody would find her pathetic, to be this dependent of Beatrice but she became Ava’s anchor. At that point of the night her brain stopped working, their hug was warm and comforting, but felt like it wasn’t enough at that moment, so she risked it all and kissed Beatrice.

Beatrice kissed her back, and she said it was okay for Ava to kiss her, then the Warrior Nun felt an out of body experience. 

But when Beatrice went and stayed in the bathroom for what felt like hours, Ava got cold feet. Was she regretting it ? They didn’t speak about it while having dinner and she felt clueless. Too afraid about having ruined everything, Ava forced herself to sleep. She didn’t feel brave enough anymore.

The vibration of her phone stopped her from going circles about the event.

JC was calling her, mostly because she was taking too long to answer back. Speak about patience.

She picked up the call and had barely a second to breathe before her ear was attacked by a piercing voice.

“AVA SILVA, DID YOU KISS YOUR NUN?”

“Oh my god JC how loud can you be it’s not even 9 fucking a.m !”

“But did you kiss her?”  he quickly replied, obviously invested in the whole story.

“...Yeah.”

“AVA SILVA ! But wait, why don’t you sound more excited ?! don’t tell me she’s a bad kisser??”

“God no, it was perfect.” Ava once again felt her cheeks heated up at the memory.

“..but?”

“Look, we had a fight and I kissed her after, and then it was kind of awkward and we didn’t talk about it ?”

“And why are you talking to me then ?? talk to her you idiot!”

“She’s out for a run, why does it feel like she’s avoiding me? Also, I’m scared JC.”

“Of what?”

“What if she regrets it? Gosh, I was so stupid” Ava said in a sigh, rubbing her free hand on her face.

“Stop, don’t think like that, what I think is that you’re both idiots, you need to talk about it with her.”

The way JC switched from being an annoying ass to some weird big brother vibes was strange, but not unwelcome.

“I-”

“Letting things like this won’t be good for any of you Ava, it will be much more awkward so grow some balls okay ??”

She knew JC was right, but it didn’t mean she had to like his opinion. If they were two regular young adults the situation would have been different. To be honest Ava almost felt she was swapped into a rom com, but she was the Warrior Nun and Beatrice was a member of the order of the cruciform sword, they had roles in the upcoming battle for the faith of mankind and they should not be distracted by feelings and attraction.

Yet it was all Ava could think about at that moment.

“I guess you’re right.”

“I’m always right”

“And full of yourself it seems.”

They both laughed.Ava adjusted her on the couch to sit on it. Her cocoa mug was still on the table, getting cold. Somehow this small talk did a good job at cheering her up. It was nice to be able to speak about her feelings to someone.

“Hey by the way, there is this karaoke night at the bar in a few days, if you’re still around do you want to come ?”

“Hans beat you to it, he invited me.”

“Hans?”

“Yeah, we hung out after you left, he’s cute.”

“Cute huh?” 

“I think it’s the mustache Ava.”

Ava snorted at the comment.

“Of course it’s the mustache.”

They chatted for a bit more, mostly about their crushes. It was almost 9 am when they hung up, the decision being Ava’s as her cocoa was definitely cold by then, and she wanted to prepare breakfast for Beatrice and her.

Cooking and preparing meals was still a work in progress, another thing Beatrice was teaching her. It wasn’t her favorite activity, but she understood the appeal of it. Beatrice sold it as an exercise of patience and precision, but they both knew these qualities were not one Ava’s forte.

Still, having a homemade breakfast ready for Beatrice’s return would be nice, and maybe they’d be able to talk about the kisses.

She looked around their pantries but quickly got overwhelmed by the ingredients and spices she found. Well, grilled bread, butter and jam were always a good choice.

They brought some farmhouse bread from that french boulangerie. It was rye bread, apparently it was healthier than regular bread. When Beatrice explained it to her she felt a bit lost, bread is bread and the French just liked to complicate things.

She took a couple of slices, aiming for their toaster. The device was as old as their apartment, which came with all the vintage furniture, but it looked easy enough to use. 

While it was heating up, she easily chose her next target, coffee. Beatrice was a tea person, but Ava quickly learned she also enjoyed a cup of fresh coffee in the morning. Brewing coffee was more in her area of expertise and she prepared while bobbing her head to the song playing.

When she heard the door open, she walked until the door frame of the kitchen to welcome Beatrice. However her words and body stopped and failed her at the sight. Beatrice was in her sports gear. 

Of course she is, you idiot, she went for a run !

She knew Beatrice was hot. As a matter of fact, that hotness played a big part in Ava being a mess most of the time. Sport gear Beatrice was one on the top of Ava’s list of outfits for the Sister Warrior and she couldn’t stop her eyes from looking up and down at her roommate.

She wore a black sleeveless Lycra shirt and dark blue slim pants that were hugging her curves. At some point she was wearing a jacket, but had it on her hand. As usual, her hair was tied in a quick bun but the run messed it up a bit, and a few strands of hair broke free from the hair tie.

And as if she wasn’t looking hot enough, Ava noticed how her beautifully tanned skin was glistering because of the remaining sweat.

Witnessing Beatrice gaining that tan on their run was a whole holy experience for Ava.

“Ava ? Are you there ?”

The Warrior Nun was leaning on the door frame, clearly lost in her mind.

“Uh ? Yeah, sorry…Hey Bea, good morning” she said, a huge smile on her lips.

“Good morning.” replied Beatrice, smiling as well. it was a more reserved one.

“How was your run?” 

“Healing, I kinda needed it.”

“Really ? what’s wrong?” Ava asked, concerns rising.

“It’s nothing.” 

After taking off her shoes and meticulously storing them, she walked toward Ava.

The Sister Warrior opened her arm, inviting Ava in a hug. The younger girl did not hesitate and filled the air between them. It was a habit that grew between them, the morning hug. It started after they first escaped the Vatican, after everything that went down Ava had trouble sleeping, and nightmares along. As she would wake up in panic, Beatrice started to hold her and eased her until she would be fully awake. 

This comforting gesture was what Ava needed to find peaceful rest again, so the morning hug remained.

Beatrice’s arms were her favorite place, it was where she would feel the most at ease and she was sure that it would be the case even if she didn’t have feelings for the woman. Beatrice’s presence was comforting because of who she was.

“Did you sleep well ?” the Sister Warrior asked, her voice was muffled by the Warrior Nun’s hair.

“Hmm” Ava barely replied, snuggling deeper into the nun’s neck. She was lulled by the bear hug, forgetting everything else.

“Ava?  Why does it smell like something’s burning?”

Ava’s eyes shot open. She broke the hug and looked at her friend.

“Shit! the stupid bread!”

she rushed back to the kitchen, toward the toaster. Beatrice was following her. The slices of bread were out, one of them was still inside the machine, the other jumped out of it and was laying on the kitchen counter. 

Both looked terribly burnt.

“Fucking hell our breakfast !” Ava exclaimed, maybe too dramatically. 

She tried to take the slice still in the toast but dropped it as it was still hot and burnt her finger.

“Dammit!”

“Were you making breakfast ?” Beatrice asked, smiling at the scene

“Well I tried, this fucker here betrayed me! at least I have the moka pot on my side.”

“Ava please, Don’t swear at the kitchen appliance.”

“Nope, I hate it so I’ll call it fucker.”

“In which level of heat did you set it ?”

“It has heat levels ?!” Ava looked at Beatrice with round eyes. Beatrice laughed, Ava’s reaction was just so genuine.

“Yes it does, I guess I’ll show you how to use it and other kitchen utilitarian later.”

“Ugh, yes please. Now I just have to throw the coals here and do it again.”

“I’m pretty sure we can save it.”

Beatrice took the slices and walked to the sink. she used a knife forgotten on the rack on the edge of the sink and scratched the surface of the bread. Shortly after Ava saw how the burnt part crumbled down on the sink and how this part of their breakfast suddenly was edible again.

“Well I did not think of that!” she exclaimed

“Well if we go beyond the unpleasant parts, there is always something good and worthy at the end. I guess sometimes we just have to work for it.”

It felt a little too deep for just burnt bread. 

As they settled the table, Ava felt an awkward silence growing between them. She hated it, as it was always easy to be around Beatrice, even when they just met at Cat’s Cradle. They sat around the round table of their kitchen, Ava’s playlist still running from the living room, with the volume lower than when she woke up.

They had small talks, mostly regarding their training and their shifts at the bar but the awkwardness remained.

“Look Bea, I’m sorry” said Ava, nursing her cocoa. She couldn’t bear the situation anymore.

“What ?”

“I made everything awkward right ?”

Beatrice remained silent, catching up with the topic.

“Oh.”

“I’m sorry I kissed you last night, and I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.” the Warrior Nun carried.

“Please Ava, you have nothing to be sorry about.”

“But-”

 “Last night we determined a flaw in your halo’s controlling skills, and we need to fix it”

Ava was surprised.

It was a way to describe what happened the night before. Sure, it all began because of it, but for her there were other things in the picture. On their couch, Ava let her emotions lead the way, but it suddenly felt more ambiguous what it was for Beatrice.

“So how do you propose we fix it ?” she asked, going with the Sister Warrior’s flow.

“I guess what you proposed last night should be a proper way to tame your emotions.”

To tame her emotion ? Was that really all everything was about ? 

Beatrice looked nervous, she was beating around the bush and it confused the Warrior Nun. 

“And the way to fix that is to keep on kissing?”

“I…I don’t know Ava, if you have a better solution please go ahead.”

“No..No I think it can work but…are you okay with it?” 

Was Ava okay with it ? It seemed like a dangerous proposition, yet if Beatrice let her, Ava was desperate to feel her lips on hers again.

“Y..Yes of course, it’s my duty to train you Ava, so-”

“Beatrice please, if we do this I need to know you’re okay with it, not about your obligation or your duty.” Ava said, interrupting her. 

She noticed Beatrice’s hand moving from the table, where they stayed motionless since they started talking, to her hand. Her hold was gentle and comforting. As she looked up to hold the older woman stare, Ava had a small smile on her lips.

“I’m okay with it Ava, I would not propose it otherwise. I trust you.” she replied, stroking the Warrior Nun’s knuckles with her thumb.

“I trust you too Bea.”

“Good.” Beatrice said. They were still holding gaze and even if Ava could see some remaining embarrassment, she mostly could see the trust Beatrice had for her and the smaller women hoped her friend could witness the same from her.

“H..How should we proceed then?” asked the Sister Warrior. Ava could see her cheek getting a light pink shade.

“Ugh, I don’t know if I can summon horny and high on feels Ava on schedule, sorry Bea.”

Well she could, but it would make her admit things she was not ready to talk with Beatrice.

“Right, yes, sorry.”

“Let’s…let’s just go with the flow? “

“How so?”

“Like…right now I think you’re just too cute trying to plan something that should go naturally and I certainly feel like kissing you.”

“Ahem, okay then.”

Ava stood up and walked close to Beatrice.

“Relax Bea, it’s just me, remember ?” she said, lowering her head closer to Beatrice until their lips briefly touched.

It went too fast, and Ava went for a second kiss and stayed for a few seconds. She just couldn’t help herself.

“See ?” Ava said with a small voice. 

“O..Okay, just go with the flow.”

As she left the kitchen to change her clothes and start her day, Ava was excited as much as she was afraid, this deal between them could change everything, for the better or the worse.