The Twelve Days of Christmas
Clint never understood why Tony didn’t appreciate his singing. He never heard anything wrong with it. Of course that might have been due to not hearing much at all. But it always sounded great in his head, so he didn’t see what Tony’s problem was.
“Why’re you being such a grinch, dude?”
Tony took a deep breath and visibly counted to ten before he answered. “Okay, first of all, you’re horribly off-key. Second, the line is ‘four calling birds’ not ‘four falling birds’. And third, IT IS THE MIDDLE OF SEPTEMBER AND THERE IS NO REASON TO BE SINGING BLOODY CHRISTMAS SONGS!”
“Wow, total grinch alert,” Clint said, rolling his eyes at Tony’s dramatics. “And falling birds sounds better than calling birds. Alliteration and all that shit.”
Tony pinched the bridge of his nose. “Only you would think ‘falling birds’ sounds better than ‘calling birds’ Hawkeye. And way to completely ignore the point about it being the middle of September.”
“Hey, don’t blame me,” Clint protested. “DUMMY totally started it.”
“Are you seriously trying to blame my robot right now?”
“It’s not my fault he keeps playing holiday music on that weirdo radio show of theirs,” Clint said, unconsciously rubbing his hearing aids and wrinkling his nose. “Aw, eggs, no…” he whined. The skillet on the stove had started smoking, and Clint poked at the eggs with a spatula. Maybe he could still salvage some of it? It was only mostly black.
“Please tell me you’re not going to eat that,” said Tony.
“Uhh, no?” Clint hesitated. “Definitely not?” he amended as Tony shot him a look Clint was pretty sure he’d picked up from Steve.
“Good,” Tony said, satisfied. “Now back to you blaming your bad life choices on my robot.”
“Aww…” Clint whined again, wishing for once he’d kept his mouth shut. Nobody liked a snitch.
So that’s how Clint got a spiffy new pair of upgraded hearing aids. Once Tony found out Clint was picking up the prototype Avengers broadcast system on them, he spent nine hours holed up in the workshop before handing Clint a new pair that were smaller, lighter, and most importantly, free from robotic radio shows. Of course this was after Tony threatened to smash the original ones with a hammer and Clint spend three days in the vents hiding from him.
That’s also how Tony found out about the radio show the robots were going to surprise him with. Much to the robots’ delight, Tony was all over the concept. He was so into it that he decided they should help him produce an Avengers holiday album with all proceeds going to charity. DUMMY really liked holiday songs, as it turned out. Tony was determined to one-up the yearly NYFD charity calendar. (Unless they decided to step up their game with kittens. Not even a singing Steve Rogers could compete with firemen and kittens.)
And that’s how Clint got conscripted into singing “The Twelve Days of Christmas” as a duet with Kate. His protests must have fallen on his own deaf ears, because Tony just said “that’s what auto-tune is for” before shoving him into a sound box and locking the door.
“On the twelfth day of Christmas,
My true love sent to me
Twelve bowstrings humming,
Eleven snipers sniping,
Ten fletchers fletching,
Nine arrows nocking,
Eight crossbows cocking,
Seven coffee mugs brimming,
Six quivers swaying,
FIVE GOLD BOWSTRINGS!
Four falling birds,
Three hero friends,
Two archer’s gloves,
And a Hawkeye perched in a tree!”