The vines.
“So the king of Wakanda will be arriving in-“
“ShUrI’s CoMiNg?” Peter cried, tripping over the stool bench as he stood up.
Tony glared at Peter. “Yes, and I swear, if you start quoting vines again I swear I will-”
“Bye, Dad!” Peter said, running off.
Tony slammed his forehead onto the bench. Repeatedly.
Steve rubbed his back soothingly.
“At least you and T’Challa will both be suffering,” Steve said, as if that was supposed to offer some comfort.
***
Shuri and T’Challa entered the compound, Peter immediately dragging Shuri away to show her what he was working on in the lab, T’Challa heading for Tony’s stock of wine.
Tony raised an eyebrow. “It’s 9 am. That early for alcohol, even by my standards.”
T’Challa levelled his gaze at Tony. “You didn’t see Shuri on the way here. We’re in for some real trouble.”
But, any plans Peter and Shuri might have had were off-put by an attack of robots in Times Square.
Tony, as much as he hated to say it, was grateful. That meant that Shuri and Peter wouldn’t be able to annoy him with their vines and shit.
Oh, was he wrong.
***
T’Challa eyed the destruction occurring in the Square in amusement. Doombots, Tony had said they were. The king of Wakanda smirked. What a strange name.
As the battle wore on, however, T’Challa’s smirk dimmed. Not because of the Bots, no, they were only a small hindrance. But because of his sister and Peter.
The first reference came at the beginning, as the Avengers were surveying the Doombots.
It was Shuri’s fault.
“What’s better than this?” she said. “Guys being dudes.”
Peter snorted, nodding. “Look at all those chickens,” he said, spreading his arms to encompass the battle below.
And so it started.
***
Tony was whacked out of the air by a Bot, and the billionaire was launched into the ground, landing right before Peter.
The boy jumped. “Stahp, I could have dropped my croissant!”
“I hate you,” Tony said.
“Love you too, Dad.”
***
A robot punched Peter in the stomach, and the boy bent over, holding up a finger as if that would stop the robot from attacking further.
Shuri paused her fighting to call out over the battle, “Oh, he need some milk!”
***
Peter was thrown a good few feet, smashing into a billboard. “Ah, fuck,” The boy said in a monotonous manner. “I can’t believe you’ve done this.”
***
Thor sent a lightning bolt into a group of Doombots, and Shuri, near him, shrieked.
“YoU bEtTeR sTaP!” She cried as part of the road caught on fire.
Thor cocked his head at her. “What was that strange accent?”
“I’m Liberian.”
“What is this ‘librarian?’ you say that you are?” Thor asked quizzically.
Peter snorted off to the side.
T’Challa shook his head. How was that his sister?
***
Shuri and Peter were fighting back to back, and the princess was thrown to the ground by a Bot. As she was falling however, Peter took a step back and sang “MMMM WHATCHA SAY.”
Shuri tugged at Peter’s ankle, causing him to fall over as well. This prompted her to sing, “MMMM WATCHA SAY,” in response.
Tony and T’Challa had to save them after the Doombots proceeded to attack them while they were on the floor.
***
T’Challa was brawling with a Doombot, and he slammed the head of the Bot into a lamp-post repeatedly.
“Can I get a waffle?” Peter asked.
“Can I please get a waffle?” Shuri said.
Tony sent them a look. “We’re in the middle of- Oh, that was another vine.”
“The fact that you didn’t realise straight away that it was a vine reference just means that you actually want waffles,” Shuri said.
Tony huffed, and waved his hand dismissively.
He did actually feel like waffles.
***
Loki entered the fight at some point, surprising a Doombot as he suddenly appeared, causing it to fire at a random billboard. The electronic display fizzled and went blank.
Loki looked between the Bot and the billboard. “Way to go, Paul,” he said.
T’Challa froze, “Oh, no,” he said, wacking Tony’s shoulder blindly to get his attention.
Peter and Shuri froze. Then proceeded to run up to Loki, screaming their heads off.
***
So, they survived the battle, physically, but Tony and T’CHalla were pretty sure their souls were broken.
The Avengers sat in the living room after a debriefing, and Thor stood up to go and see Loki off.
“Hey, Peter,” the Asgardian said. “Could you please pass me my hammer?”
Peter picked up the hammer, looked at it, and threw it, screaming “YEEEEEEET.”
“Oh, he yote,” Shuri said.
The hammer went through the wall.
***
Shuri and Peter were in the lab, Bruce and Tony next to them, Clint and Natasha leaning against the wall, Bucky and T’CHalla talking about how they could improve his arm, and Steve sketching.
Shuri didn’t look up from what she was working on when she said to Peter, “Hey, Pete, how much money do you have?”
“69 cents,” he said, also not looking up.
“Ah, you know what that means.”
Peter’s head popped up, and he looked like he was about to cry. “I don’t have enough money for chicken nuggets.”
Tony looked strangely at the two. “You know I’m a billionaire, right, if you want money you could just-”
Tony cut himself off as T’Challa proceeded to bang his head repeatedly on the wall.
***
T’Challa braced himself outside the lab that Peter and Shuri were in. He paced outside it for a few seconds, seriously debating whether it was worth entering the room with the two demons in. He sighed.
“Hey, Peter, Shuri. Tony wanted to know what you wanted for dinner.”
Shuri looked up. “Oh, hi, thanks for checking in. I’m still a piece of garbage,” she sang.
T’Challa sighed, “Peter, what would you like for dinner?”
The kid held up his arms and sang, “Guacamole, Guac- Guacamole.”
T’Challa sighed, and began to walk out.
“No, wait!” Shuri said. T’Challa paused by the doorway. “Can we have chicken strips?” she said.
“FUCK YOUR CHICKEN STRIPS!” Peter screamed.
“Nope,” T’Challa said, exiting the room. “Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.”
***
“Hey, Pete,” Tony said, pointing at the Stark-pad. He turned back to stirring the chicken. “Can you read the next instruction?”
“No I cannot,” Peter said.
Tony turned to him with an arched eyebrow. “What-”
Shuri ran into the room, and Peter and Shuri both screamed. “WHADDUP, I’M JARRED I’M 19, AND I NEVER FUCKING LEARNED HOW TO READ!”
Tony burnt his hand on the pan in surprise.
He made Peter and Shuri finish making dinner.
***
Steve entered the living room, where Peter and Shuri were watching a video about a guy not being able to pronounce milk correctly? Something about melk?
Tony was searching for alcohol in the cupboard, despite it being 10 am.
Shuri eyed Steve as he entered in uniform, shield strapped to his back.
“Hey, Peter,” Shuri said, finally looking away from Steve to turn to Peter.
Peter hummed in acknowledgment.
“How did you defeat Captain America?”
Peter smirked, then continued in a terrible German accent. “Ve shot him in zee legs because his shield is zee size of a dinner plate and he iz an idiot.”
Steve choked.
Tony, despite having no idea what the hell was going on, wheezed, nodding his head and pointing at Steve like he could shoot lasers out of them at Steve.
Jarvis was called to get Bruce because Steve was pretty sure that Tony hadn’t breathed in the last minute and he was turning an alarming shade of blue.
***
The next morning T’Challa entered the kitchen to get some skim milk (he wasn’t a cat, ok? He just liked milk…). When he entered the kitchen, however, he found he couldn’t get to the fridge, due to the fact that the entire pantry was on the floor. Considering that it was the pantry for 2 super-soldiers, an enhanced teenager, a god, an assassin and an archer who ate too much, a billionaire who had 5 coffees a day and a Wade Wilson, it was lot of food.
Shuri was in the pantry, throwing things out.
“What are you looking for?” T’Challa said, folding his arms behind his sister.
She threw a box of cereal out, and it bounced off T’Challa’s chest.
“My happiness,” she said.
“…”
“No, but seriously where are the muffins we got yesterday?”
***
Tony and T’Challa stood in one of his labs, a bottle of whisky shared between them.
“Why is this still happening?” Tony said after half the bottle had gone down in silence.
“I know,” T’Challa moaned. “It’s been 3 years since they met.”
“They should have grown out of this by now.”
“This has to stop,” Tony said.
T’Challa agreed. “We need to somehow split them up. Can we distract them somehow?”
Tony raised an eyebrow. “Enough that they’d stop quoting stuff? Not likely?”
“Doesn’t Peter have a boyfriend?”
Tony groaned. “You haven’t met him yet, have you?”
T’Challa shook his head.
Tony considered. “As much as I hate to admit it, that might work.”
Tony called Wade.
***
Tony and T’Challa were in the living room, looking over statistics of countries in need, to figure out where T’Challa should spread his resources to next.
Wade walked into the room, gun pointed to the ceiling.
Tony whipped his head up. “What do you think you’re-”
Wade fired.
“THIS IS WHY MOM DOESN’T FUCKING LOVE YOU!” Peter and Shuri said in unison.
“Language!” Steve said from the other room.
T’Challa sighed.
Tony rubbed his hand over his face.
T’Challa turned to Tony. “So, you asked Wade for help and he comes and spawns another vine reference.”
Tony nodded.
“Who does that?”
Wade laughed awkwardly. “Ahaha I do that.”
“Goddammit, was that another-“
Shuri turned to Peter. “Peter. I love your boyfriend.”