The Doritos
There was nothing unusual about that day, Tony thought, looking back at how he had woken up at 10 am and had peeled his face from his workbench where he had unknowingly fallen asleep.
No, there was nothing that morning to warn him that he would make the greatest discovery in the history of ever in a few hours, nor that he would find a considerable dent in his bank allowance.
But, meh, it was a small price to pay.
So, that morning Tony Stark rubbed to drool from the corner of his mouth and head upstairs to the main kitchen.
His mind was sort of solely focused on only the word ‘FOOD,’ so really, it came as no surprise that when Tony saw a lump hanging from the ceiling, he screamed.
It was a manly scream. A scream that screamed of manliness. That cracked on the end. But that was irrelevant.
“Peter! What the hell are you doing on my ceiling?”
The kid cocked his head to the side from where he was (somehow) eating cereal upside down.
“I got kicked out of our apartment yesterday because Wade blew a hole in the floor and Steve said I could stay over and I would have asked you if I could but when I went into the workshop you were sleeping and you looked really peaceful and I don’t say that in a creepy way, I didn’t like, watch you sleep, but I didn’t want to wake you because you aren’t getting enough sleep lately, although judging from your expression I probably should have woken you up and-”
“Aargggg it’s too early for this, Kid. Jarvis, make me a coffee.”
“You know that cocoa beans aren’t going to be able to grow in 2050, so you might want to wean yourself off-”
“Peteeerrrr! It’s too-” Tony cut himself off, squinting at the kid. “Wait. Why are you so hyper this morning? You’re not usually this-”
“Steve made me a coffee.”
“STEVE WHAT?” Tony whirled around to the living room couch, where Steve was innocently eating a piece of toast, watching Tony and Peter in amusement.
Steve shrugged. “The kid asked for it.”
“I told him not to,” Bucky chimed in, “But he didn’t listen.”
Tony rolled his eyes and picked up his coffee.
“What do we want to do today?” he said, looking to the three in the immediate area.
Bucky shrugged, and Steve was too enamoured in his toast (How is Nutella so good and why wasn’t it invented in the 40s?) to answer. Peter, however, screamed “STAR WARS!” at the top of his lungs, causing Steve, Tony and Bucky to all flinch.
There was a cry from the ceiling, and Clint was suddenly on the floor.
“Morning guys,” he groaned, sitting up.
“Did you sleep in the vents again?” Bucky asked.
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Natasha’s angry with me.”
“You’re a dead-man,” Tony said, sipping his coffee.
“I’m hungry,” Clint announced, moving over to the pantry. He swung open the doors, and reached to pull out-
His hand grabbed at empty air.
Clint’s shoulders clenched. “Guys,” he breathed through clenched teeth.
He whirled around to face the four.
“Where are my Doritos?!”
Clint was fuming.
Peter’s head whipped up from where it had previously been buried in a bag or Doritos.
“Dese aw sum dewishush dowidows,” Peter said with his mouth full.
“Why you little-” Clint said, launching himself at Peter.
Peter screamed, clutching the Dorito packed to his chest.
“GiVe Me BaCk mY dOrItOs!”
“Come get them, old man!”
“You punk!”
Tony, Steve and Bucky looked on calmly as the two Avengers fought on the floor. Tony sent an amused look to Steve and Bucky over the commotion in front of him. Peter had Clint pinned under him, his hands holding Clint’s arms down. The Doritos, however, were in his right hand. Clint threw his arm out, and the Dorito packet went flying, its contents spilling into the air.
Tony noticed one sailing towards his face, and he caught it between his thumb and
forefinger. He smirked at Clint and Peter who were heaving breathes as they stood, bracing their hands on their knees.
And that’s when he noticed it.
Perhaps he would have only noticed if the lighting was exactly how it was then.
Maybe it was because of the way he was angled, Dorito in hand at eye level.
Or maybe it was because he was an idiot.
All were likely.
Nonetheless, Tony was suddenly taken over with the greatest revelation he had ever experienced.
“Steve,” Tony said shakily. “Don’t freak out, but you are a Dorito.”
Steve looked at Tony blankly, but Tony was too focused on that way that Steve’s torso fit
exactly into the shape of the Dorito.
Tony ran out of the room.
***
“Pepper.”
“No.”
“But, Pepper, think about it.”
“No.”
Tony hurried after Pepper as she strode away from him down the hall.
“Think of the profits!” Tony argued.
“You don’t care about the profit, Tony, I know why you want this.”
“But Pepper-“
“We are not buying Frito-Lay just so you can make Steve the Dorito symbol!”
“Yeah, you’re right,” Tony said.
Pepper paused, and turned to look at him in confusion. He never gave in that easily.
“We’d probably have to buy the whole of PepsiCo.”
Pepper sighed in exasperation. “For the last time, Tony, we are not making Steve face of Doritos!”
Tony huffed and turning around. That was fine. He had a plan B.
***
“Oh my god, yes, yes, yes!” Peter said, jumping from foot to foot. “I can make flyers, and get everyone at school to sign a petition, and then post it on Facebook, and then you could pass it along to someone else and-”
“Ok, kid. Go do that now,” Tony said. “And could you tell Clint as well?”
Peter voiced his agreement and took off down the hall.
Tony didn’t need Pepper. He has a Spider-kid.
***
Tony ran into the living room, sliding into the back of the couch because he had too much momentum.
“Steve! Steve! Steve!” he exclaimed. Steve stood from the couch, fear on hi face.
“What, Tony? Is something wrong?”
“TURN ON THE NEWS RIGHT NOW!” Tony shouted. “JARV, MAKE SURE EVERYONE IS IN HERE NOW!”
Steve scrambled for the TV remote, fumbling with it as he turned on the News.
Clint, Nat, Bucky, Bruce and Peter ran into the room, Peter taking initiative and sitting down on the couch, dragging the other Avengers with him.
And, apparently, ‘everyone’, according to Jarvis, included Deadpool. Who promptly smashed through the window and landed on the couch next to Peter, squashing Clint. Everyone turned to the Television like this was normal. Which it was.
“Where a petition has accumulated over 754,000 signatures in 2 days, with signatures from all around the world. Started anonymously, the petition is being considered, though we all think that it is going to go through. People, it is more than likely that Captain America, aka Steve Roger’s torso will be the new face of Doritos. And are we happy about that.”
Steve stared awestruck at the TV, and Bucky rubbed his back awkwardly.
Tony and Peter high-fived.