Chapter 3
Maya kissed Sam on the head before heading into the kitchen to resume cooking.
“Dinner will be ready in ten minutes”, she called back.
Carina looked at Sam, tasting out the new name. She’d had a good friend in college called Sam. It was going to be a little bit of an adjustment but to be honest she couldn’t care less about the gender of her child. She hoped that they both had reacted well, but if she was being honest, she was a little worried about saying the wrong thing. She wasn’t really sure about when and how to ask Sam about everything related to their coming out. What other steps were they planning on taking? Were they out to anyone else yet? What had happened at school with Laura?
“I’ll go to the bathroom really quick, okay?”, Sam asked, breaking Carina out of her thoughts. “Yeah, sure.” Carina got up, too and went into the kitchen. She hugged Maya from behind and relaxed, breathing in her wife’s familiar scent. “I’m so proud of them for telling us.”, Maya said leaning back into Carina.
“Me, too. But what the fuck happened at school? Did they tell Laura about it?”, Carina asked worriedly.
“I don’t know. But maybe we should try to talk about it with them after having dinner. They looked really exhausted and it’s already been a lot today. We shouldn’t pressure them into talking about anything.” Carina nodded, agreeing with her wife. She felt exhausted herself, and she could only imagine how nerve-wrecking this must have been for Sam.
They started eating dinner and Maya and Carina made casual small-talk, talking about how their shifts at work had been. They both tried to include Sam in the conversation, but they drifted off into their own thoughts: They couldn’t believe how normal everything was. Not even half an hour ago they were having a panic attack in their bedroom, petrified about coming out to their moms. But no matter how relieved they were about their mothers’ reactions, they felt like their stomach was in knots. They felt like they should be happy, but their thoughts always came swirling back to Laura and to school in general. How were they supposed to ever sit in that class again? And what about their Station 19 family? And their mama’s colleagues at the hospital? Their grandma?
“Sam?”, they heard Maya call them after the third time.
“Sorry, what did you say?”, they replied, trying to come back to the kitchen. They noticed that both of their moms had finished eating while they had hardly touched their pasta. Maya and Carina exchanged concerned looks.
“Can you try to eat a little more?”, Maya asked feeling like she already knew the answer. “I’m sorry, but I feel like I’m going to be sick if I eat anything else.” “That’s ok today. Maybe you can try something else a little later.”, Carina decided to not stress them about eating today.
“Do you want to talk to us about what’s going on in your mind after dinner?”, Carina asked gently.
Sam thought about it for a moment and decided to trust their moms. They cleaned up the kitchen and the little family cuddled up on the sofa again; Sam sitting between their moms. Maya and Carina waited patiently until Sam felt up to talking: “The student that joined our class today is called Robin and they are non-binary, too.”, Sam looked up to both of their moms worriedly, thinking that their parents might get the impression that they were only imitating the other student but they were only met with a nod and gentle encouragement. “They had to introduce themself in front of our class and they also said that their pronouns are they/them. And then Laura just started laughing and most people joined in. And then she said: ‘What do you mean you are neither a boy nor a girl? And why should we call you a they, you aren’t multiple people.’ Everyone laughed and I felt so bad for them. They looked really nervous even before but then and Mrs. Summer tried to calm everyone down, but they didn’t take her seriously. I stayed really quiet, and I was shocked because never thought that Laura would ever say anything like that. She noticed that I had stayed quiet, and she called Robin a freak and ‘it’ and I just snapped. That’s when she asked me jokingly whether I was one of those, too. And she kind of figured it out when I didn’t say anything. She… she spit on my worksheet and scooted away from me. And then after the lesson I just wanted to get out of school, and I didn’t pay any attention; that’s when she tripped me… and I fell against the boy’s bathroom door. She… then she asked if I couldn’t find the right door.” Sam felt like they needed to cry but they couldn’t after how many tears they’d shed today. Maya and Carina had listened to their child’s account horrified. “I’m so sorry that happened, sweetie. I’m really sorry Laura reacted like that. I had always thought that she was kind and open-minded.”, Carina reassured Sam.
“Yeah, me too.”, Sam let out a sarcastic chuckle, “and I’m pretty sure everyone in school knows about it by now because some people saw it when she tripped me. How am I supposed to go back into that classroom tomorrow?”, they voiced their struggles out loud. “How about you skip school tomorrow and come to the station with me? Tomorrow is Friday and then we have the weekend to figure everything out.”, Maya suggested.
Sam agreed to that. Anything so they wouldn’t have to deal with this tomorrow. Carina was thinking about whether to ask all those questions that were spiralling in her head. She didn’t want to overwhelm Sam but she kind of wanted to know what all of this meant for them.
“So… Sam can I ask you a few questions? If not that’s totally fine I’ve just got a few things in my mind.”
“Um, yeah, sure.”
“Are you… are you doing ok, now that you’ve told us this? I mean I guess you didn’t plan to come out to us today and I can only imagine that this must be overwhelming. And have you told anyone else yet?”
Sam looked at their mom who had a genuine look of concern on her face. They had to admit that they were kind of surprised by the question. They had expected something along the lines of how long they had known for, if they were really sure about it and how they could know that they were non-binary.
“I… I guess I’m a little overwhelmed but in the last few weeks I had already felt like I couldn’t keep this secret from you any longer because it felt really lonely to not talk to anyone about it. I was just so scared, and I knew that once I said it out loud, I couldn’t take it back and… I was really scared about how you were going to react.”
“I’m really sorry if we ever made you feel like we wouldn’t accept you for who you are. I love you no matter what and I honestly couldn’t care less about which gender you identify with. You still are and always will be my child.”, Maya told them. Carina looked at Maya lovingly; she was such an amazing mother despite the father she’d had.
“So, we both noticed that something seemed to be on your mind lately. Was this what was worrying you or is there something else going on?”, Carina asked carefully.
Sam took a moment to think about their mama’s question.
“Well, I was mostly scared about how you were going to react, but I’m worried about how everyone else and the school are going to react and everything else that comes with this. I mean… there are some states where CPS can take the kids and teens away from their parents because the law now says that it’s child abuse if they support their trans child. What if that happens here, too?”, Sam started getting upset again.
“We will never let that happen, Sam.”, Carina reassured them engulfing them in a hug.
“But you don’t know that.”, they countered. Carina looked at Maya helplessly. They had all inevitably seen the news reports about the anti-trans-bills all over the country; especially in the south. They knew that transphobia and especially the institutionalized transphobia was rising in the country and all over the world really. Maya sighed:
“We can’t promise you that those bills will never be introduced in Washington, but it’s not that likely because it’s a democratic state. But even if those bills come here, we will fight tooth and nail so that they don’t affect us. We will do anything for you, even if we have to move elsewhere. We don’t care. This is a messed-up world we’re in but the three of us will always stick together, I can promise you as much.”
Carina nodded. Sometimes she hated this world, all these people that hated anyone who was other, whether someone with a different sexuality, gender, ethnicity, culture, or body. All this hate about people they have never even met, they had never even listened to, all this fearmongering over nothing. She just wanted to wrap her little family in a bubble and escape to a better world where everyone was allowed to exist just the way they are.
Maya noticed Sam covering a yawn with their hand.
“Do you have anything else you wanna talk to us about? Because if not I suggest that we go to bed. This must have been a lot today, and I’m really tired, too.” Sam thought for a second: The school situation was postponed till after the weekend.
“What about everyone at the station tomorrow? I mean I’m not really sick, so they are going to notice.”
“You don’t have to tell them anything if you don’t want to. You know I’m still captain. I can make them shut up by threatening them with drills.”, Maya smirked and nudged her child slightly which made them chuckle.
“No, but seriously. You don’t have to come out to them if you don’t want to. But you don’t have to be worried about them. I know for a fact that most of them couldn’t care less. Andy, Vic, Travis, they are all going to accept you. And if they don’t, I’m going to put them on bathroom duty until they do.”
Carina rolled her eyes at her wife’s jokes, even though she didn’t doubt that Maya’s mama bear instincts would kick in if anyone even gave Sam a weird look.
“Why don’t you decide tomorrow, sweetie. You don’t have to do anything you’re not ready for. No one will force you to out yourself.”
“Well, it’s not exactly I was ready to be outed in front of my entire school today.”, Sam snapped, immediately regretting their tone when they saw her mama’s hurt expression on her face.
Carina felt the tears pooling in her own eyes. She was exhausted and she hadn’t been prepared for that. She had tried to do everything right and she was so scared of not being there for her child in the right way. She couldn’t deal with this.
She didn’t want to snap back or break down in front of Sam, so she got up and trusted Maya to handle it:
“I’ll be in the bedroom.”
As soon as Sam saw their mama walk out of the living room with a defeated look on her face, they broke down into tears. Why were they being horrible? Their parents had been nothing but supportive. Their mum tried to stroke their back, but Sam scooted away from her. They didn’t deserve this.
Maya sighed. Both of her two favourite people were crying in different rooms, and she didn’t know who to talk to first. Sam started crying harder, curled up in a ball.
“I… I’m s…so sorry. I… I don’t deserve you.”, they were about to get up and hide in their room but this time their mom didn’t let them. She held them and rubbed their back reassuringly.
“Shhhh. It’s ok. I know you didn’t mean to snap. And mama knows that, too. She’s just really exhausted. And today has been a lot for you. I’m so sorry that Laura and your class reacted so badly. It's not fair and I wish I could take all this hurt from you. I know what it’s like to be outed, and it should have been your decision. But you deserve all the love in the world, especially from your mama and me.”
Sam let themself be held by their mom, something they’d been afraid of never being able to feel again. They calmed down quickly. They were beyond exhausted, and their eyes felt heavy.
“Why don’t we join your mama, mh?”, Maya suggested. Sam nodded.
“Come on”, Maya helped them up from the sofa and lead them to their bedroom. Carina was sitting on her side of the bed with her head in her hands. Sam sat down next to her:
“I’m so sorry, mama. I didn’t mean to snap at you. I was just so angry about what Laura did and I directed it at you. I’m so sorry.” Carina looked up and saw the tears in Sam’s eyes.
“It’s ok. I know you didn’t mean to. I’m just really scared about handling this wrong. I’m so scared that you don’t feel encouraged and loved by us, because I never want to make you feel like you can’t come to me with anything.”
Sam was perplexed:
“You didn’t do anything wrong. I… I couldn’t have imagined a better reaction. Why would you think that?”
“I…I don’t know, I’m just so scared for you in this fucked up world, as someone assigned female at birth, and now also being non-binary… don’t get me wrong, I love you and I don’t have a problem with you being enby but I’m so scared for you because this will make your life even harder and I just don’t want you to get hurt.”
Carina started crying again. Maya and Sam hugged Carina:
“I’ll be fine mama. I still have you.”
“Yes, you’ll always have us.”
A little later, they all went to bed. At first, Sam thought that they’d be able to sleep easily after the exhausting day, but the scenes of the day kept replaying in their mind over and over again. At the one hand they were extremely relieved about their parents’ reaction, but they couldn’t forget about what had happened at school.
The bruises were painfully throbbing, and they felt… betrayed was the word, by their former best friend.
It would have been painful enough if it had been any of their other classmates, but their best friend, who’d been there for them, and they had been there for her, it had been that kind of friendship that you’d thought would last forever. Despite their better judgement, they got their phone out from their backpack and turned it on.
As soon as the phone was connected to the Wi-Fi, it lit up with messages both from the class’s group chat as well as messages from multiple people. They opened up their chat with Laura as tears started pooling in their eyes.
“Are you serious about being a freak? How come you never said anything before? I can’t believe my former friend is a t*****.”
Their breath hitched when they saw that word. They had been out for less than one day and they’d already been called that slur.
They knew that it was probably a bad idea to go through the other messages, but they felt like they couldn’t control it. They felt like they were watching themself from above.
They felt themself opening the class group chat next:
“Did you see L****(deadname) after maths today? Apparently, she’s pretending to be one of those transgenders now as well, just like the freak that introduced itself in class today. Are you honestly still friends with someone like that @Laura?”
Laura: “Of course not, I had no idea it/she was one of those. Great friend hiding something as sick as that.”
The messages continued in a similar manner. Sam scrolled through them with tears blurring the words, but the hateful tone got through to them from every single message their classmates had sent. They’d had a small spark of hope that anyone might speak up and stop them but either all of their classmates were transphobes, or they didn’t have the courage to do so. They closed the chat and saw that there were two more messages from one of their classmates Josh and from an unknown number. They had never liked Josh; he’d always made sexist and homophobic jokes and was known for groping female classmates. But nothing could have prepared them for what the message read:
“Are you really a t*****? If I were you, I would honestly just kill myself.”
They stared at their screen for some time. Was this really what people thought about them and their identity? They remembered the things their mama had said:
“I’m so scared for you because this will make your life even harder, and I just don’t want you to get hurt.”
They started shaking in fear and anger. Why did they have to be non-binary? Why couldn’t they just be normal for once? They had felt their share of being different with having two moms, not that they felt ashamed – not at all, it rather made them proud - but it was something they only tended to tell certain people when it came up. In primary school, it had once become the topic of discussion on the playground when they’d told a girl who had repeatedly asked why their father never picked them up but instead two women. They were hazed about it all year. Ever since that mistake they’d been more careful about who they told. Sam had never told their moms about what had happened that year, fearing that they would think that Sam was ashamed of them. Their eyes focused on their screen once again:
” If I were you, I would honestly just kill myself.” Without really thinking it through, they threw their phone across the bed, landing in a pillow. The soft thud almost made their skin crawl. Suddenly, they felt themself hitting their head against the headboard over and over again. When that didn’t seem to help anymore, they got up, took the needle out of their drawer and made multiple scratches on their upper arm, something they had been thinking about doing for months now, whenever something became too much. Today, it wasn’t even something they had to think about. They just needed something- anything- to stop this feeling. After a few minutes, they felt themself deflate. The unbearable feeling fading away into a sort of numbness. They just sat there for a while, their thoughts calming down a little. Tiredness caught up with them, and at around 3 am, they finally fell asleep.