Chapter 4
The next day, they woke up when the alarm on their phone rang. It took them a second to figure out why their phone was at the foot of their bed instead of on their nightstand as usual. The sight of their phone on the pillow brought back everything that had happened.
They rolled up their sleeve to see what damage they’d done. A feeling of guilt crept up when they saw the multiple scratches and cuts. They walked into the bathroom and locked the door after making sure that their moms wouldn’t see them. They disinfected the area, which stung a lot.
When they dressed the wounds, they flinched, when they heard the doorknob being turned and then a knock on the door:
“Lu… sorry Sam are you ok in there?”, they heard their mom ask.
Maya mentally slapped herself for the slip up and she was concerned for her child because locking the bathroom door was not something they usually did.
Sam felt their heart beating in their chest, they felt like they had been caught.
“Yeah… I’m fine. I’ll be out in a second.”
“Okay, we have to get going in 10 minutes.”, Maya replied, not sure if she could believe them.
To be honest, all Sam wanted was to curl up in bed and hide from the world, but they were sure that their mothers wouldn’t let them.
The drive to the station was spent in silence. When Maya turned the engine off, she looked at Sam: “Have you thought about if you want to tell anyone anything?”, they asked Sam, who seemed to be lost in thought.
“Um… not really. I don’t… I think I won’t tell them anything yet. Is that ok?”, they asked unsure.
“Of course, it’s your decision, we’ll do this in your time.”
Maya was a little confused by their child’s behaviour. She’d thought that by the end of the evening Sam had looked ok. Maybe they hadn’t slept well or had anything else happened with Laura? She thought about asking them, but she didn’t want to pry.
They went in and had breakfast with the team.
Maya had simply said that Sam was off school today. They were glad when their mom avoided saying their deadname, but it wasn’t great being misgendered either. It wasn’t something that could be avoided though at this point if they didn’t want to be outed or come out to them.
They all noticed Sam’s bruises and Andy and Vic noticed that Sam was more quiet than usual, but they let it slide trusting that Maya had it under control.
Sam was glad when the alarm rang soon after, meaning that the station wouldn’t be as packed, and they could escape their mom’s watchful eyes.
They felt weirded out by that thought because they usually hated whenever their mom was on a call, afraid that she would get hurt. But today, they were just glad that they were able to breathe a little.
To their dismay, Andy was on desk duty though. Not that they didn’t like Andy – quite the opposite actually - but she was one of those people that Sam had great difficulty convincing that they were fine when they really weren’t. Andy was one of the only people they had confided in about the bullying in primary school when people had found out about their two moms.
Sam tried to avoid Andy’s gaze while they cleared the table from breakfast, which Andy of course noticed.
“So, Lucy, we’ve got the station to ourselves, anything fun you wanna do?”, Andy asked, trying to get them out of their shell.
“Um… I… I think I am just going to do some homework”, they said while looking down at their shoes.
Andy gazed at them, seeing their slumped, defeated posture, their bruised face, and their scared demeanour. It looked like they wanted to disappear, make themself as small as possible so that no one would notice them.
Sam noticed her gaze on them and the lack of a reply. On the one hand they desperately wanted to talk to Andy, to tell her what Josh had texted them, how their class had reacted but on the other hand, that required them to out themself. They knew that Andy was a generally open-minded person, she was good friends with Maya and Travis after all, but they didn’t feel like they could handle another coming out right now.
“What’s going on Lucia?”, Andy asked carefully, the use of their full deadname indicating that she was really concerned.
Hearing that name really snapped them out of their thoughts. Ever since reading it in those messages yesterday, they felt sick whenever they heard that name, knowing that they had used it just to hurt them.
They didn’t even notice the tears running down their face until Andy came up to them:
“Hey, what’s going on? You know you can tell me anything.”, she rubbed their arm. Sam scared both themself and Andy when they flinched because Andy had touched their arm where they had used the needle to scratch themselves last night. Andy’s concern grew even more.
“Are you hurt?”, she asked, trying to figure out what was going on. Where did the bruises come from? Were they injured anywhere else?
Andy led them to the couch in the TV room and hugged them because Sam had started crying even more when they had accidentally flinched at Andy’s touch. They were now not only afraid about coming out but also about her finding out what they had done last night.
When they’d calmed down a little, Andy decided that she would ask some questions. She was not good at being patient and waiting for people she loved to come to them when she saw that they were hurting.
“Do your moms know how you got hurt?”, she asked tentatively.
Sam hesitated but then gave a small nod.
It wasn’t entirely a lie. Their moms did know about most of their injuries. And could those scratches even be considered a real injury? It was nothing, really, was it?
Andy breathed out a sigh of relief. It seemed like there was something else though, something they were holding back, something they were extremely scared of.
Sam was wrestling with themselves. Should they trust Andy? How would she react? Would she be able to keep things to herself or would she tell their mom everything?
They were in an ever-tightening spiral of thoughts. They felt like no matter what their next step was, it would always end in misery.
Andy sat next to them, unsure how to proceed. On the one hand she had the urge to keep pressing them, but there was something about them that looked like a scared animal backed into a corner that wouldn’t open up no matter the pressure.
“I can see that you’re really scared, Lucy. And I wish I could take that from you, but I won’t be able to if I don’t know what’s going on. You don’t have to tell me, but whatever it is I can promise you; I won’t be mad, and I don’t have to tell your mom about it if that’s what you’re afraid of. You know I’m good at keeping secrets, right?” Sam nodded but kept silent.
Andy sighed: “You know what? I’ll make us a tea and you can think about, alright?”
Sam nodded again. They watched Andy through the glass while she was preparing the tea. They flinched when they felt their phone vibrating. Against their better judgement, they pulled it out and opened the class group chat.
“So, Lucy isn’t here today. Maybe a day off makes her come to her senses before she continues with this transgenderism. If not, she better not come back. I guess we will see on Monday…”
Sam took in a sharp breath. That felt like a threat. And the worst thing: Laura texted it. They felt like the figurative knife that Laura stabbed them in the back with yesterday was now being twisted with the threat of being pulled out, causing them to bleed out.
They saw that Andy was coming back with the finished tea and they quickly tried to recompose themselves. When they saw Andy’s loving and concerned face, they decided that they would try to tell her. Everything. Well maybe not about the needle yesterday. But that had just been a one-time thing, right? They took a deep breath; Andy looked at them expectantly, but Sam couldn’t face her. Their gaze landed on the floor once more.
“So… I really don’t know how to tell you this but… I have been thinking about this for a while now… I guess I’ll just say it… I… I am not a girl. I… I’m non-binary.”, they let out a breath.
Andy felt tears springing to her eyes: “Oh, come here”, they wrapped them in a bear hug: “I’m so proud of you for telling me… to be honest, I have always thought that you were queer. I would have been more surprised if you’d told me that you were straight and cis.”
This made Sam let out a big laugh, maybe the first genuine one ever since this nightmare had started yesterday. Yesterday? Had it really only been yesterday?
They looked at Andy, who looked really proud and very unsurprised.
“How did you know?”, Sam couldn’t really comprehend the amount of relief surging through their body right now.
“Well, I have to admit I might not be the only one at the station speculating about you being queer.”, Andy admitted sheepishly.
“Wow, really, you guys are unbelievable. Let me guess, Travis and Vic were the instigators?”, they chuckled.
“Yeah, you know us too well. So do you use a different name and/or pronouns?”
“Um, yeah, if that’s ok, I’d like to be called Sam and use they/them pronouns.”, they still felt scared and embarrassed telling Andy this even though she asked. They were still scared that at one point even someone supportive would draw a line and shame them for their identity.
“Hey, of course that’s ok. That’s why I asked. So, Sam, why does your face look like that, or are you trying to use some make-up?”, Andy blurted out, only after saying it thinking that it might not be the most sensitive approach.
But to her relief, Sam started laughing, glad that Andy didn’t touch them with kid gloves.
“No, not quite.”
They told Andy what had happened yesterday at school. She was appalled by Sam’s fellow students and offering to beat them up for them, which was a welcome distraction from the pity that most people would respond with.
“So, you said that that your moms know about it?”, Andy asked, trying to understand if she was right in thinking that there was something else, they had kept to themselves.
Sam nodded, looking down again. They knew what Andy was asking.
“So… I hadn’t looked at my phone until I went to bed late after talking to mom and mama, who reacted really well, by the way, and my class group chat was blowing up with messages about me and the other student, Robin, and none of them were exactly nice. Sam opened the chat and gave their phone to Andy to read. She couldn’t believe that there wasn’t a single person that spoke up against it.
“This is so fucked up, I thought that your generation was less bigoted, but apparently not. Wow, is this last text really from Laura?”
“Yeah, she is…”
“A bitch!”, Andy finished the sentence.
“And then there is the message Josh sent me…”, Sam had been hesitant at first whether to show it to Andy but decided that they didn’t want to carry this by themselves any longer.
Andy could hardly believe her eyes.
She sighed and looked at Sam: “Sammy, I really hope that you know that isn’t true. Please don’t believe a single word this idiot is saying.”
Tears sprung to their eyes, hearing their first given nickname, which was Sammy, apparently.
“Yeah, I guess I know that… but it still really hurts to see that.”
“It’s a very shitty thing to text someone. I just want you to know that he couldn’t be more wrong. Nothing about you or your identity is bad or disgusting or wrong; it’s beautiful. It’s something you can be proud of, maybe you can’t quite feel it yet, but maybe someday.”, Sam nodded, taking in Andy’s words. It felt really good. Andy wasn’t making a big deal out of it and at the same time they felt seen with how difficult things were and how impactful all of this had been.
They were both lost in thought when Sam’s phone, currently laying on the sofa next to Sam, vibrated.
Andy looked at them with concern:
“Do you want me to look? Maybe we should just block those people.”
Sam gave their phone over to Andy reluctantly: “Well, it’s not like that would change anything. I still have to sit in a room with them five days a week.”
Andy looked at the screen:
“It’s not from Josh, Laura or the group chat. It’s a number you don’t have saved in your phone.”
Sam took their phone from Andy’s hands, confused, but then they dully remembered that there was one chat they hadn’t even opened yesterday. Their heart was beating quickly, as they opened the chat:
“Hey, this is Robin… I was the new person in class today. I just wanted to apologize for everything that happened today. I… I didn’t mean for any of that to happen. I… I’m just sorry.”
“I’m so sorry if you didn’t even want me to text you. You can just delete these. I didn’t want to bother you.”
Sam looked up at Andy: “Robin texted me.”
“The new student?”
Sam nodded.
“What did they say?”
Sam showed her the texts.
“Do you wanna text them back?”
“I… I wouldn’t even know what to say to that. Yesterday, I was really angry at them, but I logically know that none of it was their fault, I mean they didn’t know, and they are not responsible for how transphobic my classmates are.”
“Do you think…it could help to connect with them?”
Sam thought about that for a minute. “I mean, maybe. If nobody else steps up, I guess it could at least be the two of us against them.”
Andy nodded.
“You know, we could also try to speak to your school. They seem to be at least somewhat accepting, right?”, Andy proposed.
“I mean… yeah, but I really don’t want to make things worse. Maybe they’ll all calm down after a while.”, Sam didn’t really believe what they were saying but they didn’t want to make too much of a big deal out of it.
Andy accepted that for now.
“Do you think… would it be ok if I asked Robin if they wanted to come meet me here after school?”, Sam asked, knowing that it had usually been fine if they brought a friend from school, but they didn’t even know Robin yet.
“Sure, why not. I think that’s a good idea.”
“Hey Robin, sorry for not texting back yesterday… it was all a bit overwhelming. I only saw your texts just now. It’s not your fault for what happened yesterday. I’m also really sorry about how my class reacted. I’m at my mom’s workplace today, I needed a break from school today. If you want, you could come around after school today, I’d like to meet you properly, if you want. My mom’s a firefighter at Station 19.”
Before pressing ‘send’, Sam showed Andy the text, who nodded.
“I think that’s really kind of you.”
“Well, I actually feel really sorry for them. I didn’t even properly think about how they must feel until now. They just transferred school, who knows for what reason, and this was their first day of school.”
Not even a minute later, Sam’s phone vibrated again. It was another text from Robin.
“Hi, thank you for texting me back. I was really concerned and felt guilty when I didn’t see you in class today. It’s actually really bad right now. It’s the first break and I’m hiding from everyone right now. Do you think I could come visit you now?
If not that’s totally ok. I mean… you don’t even know me. Sorry if I’m being too straight forward. I’m usually not like this. Sorry.”
Sam immediately texted back: “No, that’s totally fine. You can come here right now. I’d be happy about that. Are you able to get out of the building? And do you know where the station is? It’s only four blocks from there.”
“To be honest, I already snuck out of there. And I can use my phone to find the station. Are you sure that it’s ok if I come, though?”
“Yes, I’m sure. See you in a bit.”
In the meantime, Andy had been in the kitchen again, making herself a snack. Sam went over to her. “So… I kind of invited Robin to come here right now. Is that ok?”
“I mean, yeah. What about school though?”, Andy asked confused.
“I don’t know, well they snuck out because I think it was pretty bad.”
“Well, under normal circumstances I shouldn’t condone skipping school, but I guess today is a little different.”, Andy said, winking at Sam, who breathed a sigh of relief.
A while later, Robin texted them: “Hi, so I’m in front of the station now…”