Chapter 5
“So, we’ve established Fury is likely good; Pierce, STRIKE, and who knows how much else of SHIELD is definitely bad; and Steve’s long lost best friend is alive and in need of some rescue and rehabilitation.” Tony reviewed their key findings from the day. “Did I miss anything?”
He looked first at Steve, wondering if the super soldier understood that the same drive to find Steve that he’d once thought his father was crazy for was now surging through him. He never knew Bucky, but he knew he had to help rescue him.
When no one offered any new insights from the day, Tony continued. “You’ll never believe you heard this from me, but I think we need sleep before we spend some serious time digging into the last few decades of the life and times of Sergeant Bucky Barnes and formulate a rescue plan. J, you don’t need sleep so be a dear and dig up everything you can about the Winter Soldier program. I don’t care who you have to hack to do it.”
“Of course, sir. I’ve already started chasing a few things based on the information Natasha shared earlier, so I’ll be happily hacking away while everyone gets some much needed rest.” Tony nodded approvingly at the AI’s proactive approach. “If I might add,” JARVIS continued, “If Natasha or Steve think of anything other information that would provide additional paths for me to search it would be most helpful.”
“Of course, J.” Steve answered for them both. “We’ll tell you if we think of anything.”
“Excellent. In that case I hope everyone is able to rest well.”
Rising from the couch, Steve shook his head. “You were right, Tony. I can’t believe you’re the one suggesting sleep, but I won’t argue.”
Steve wrapped his arms around Tony again. “Thank you.” He could feel Stark about to argue. “No really. We wouldn’t be standing here if it hadn’t been for you keeping tabs on us. You’re always great at knowing what we need before we realize it ourselves.”
“You’re welcome.” Tony squeezed him a bit tighter before retreating to Pepper.
TJ gave Natahsa another hug, not sure he wanted to let her go after the scare he’d gotten, but knowing Clint was going to need time with her and that he needed to make sure Steve was really okay. Or as okay as one could be after all the traumas of the day.
As if by unspoken agreement, when Nat released him from the hug she kept one arm around his waist. Clint joined at her other side, reaching for her hand. As the trio approached Steve the soldier clasped TJ’s free hand and joined them as they made for the stairs.
Grinning after them, Tony smirked. “It’s a good think the stairs and halls are so ridiculously wide in this place.”
When they reached their bedroom doors, Steve tugged the other three into another embrace. “Everyone get some sleep. I have a feeling tomorrow is going to be a long day.”
“Aye aye, Captain.” Clint nodded as he and Natasha split off to their room.
Steve ushered TJ into the room they unofficially shared, curious about how quiet the other man had fallen.
Barely a few steps from the door, TJ wheeled around abruptly. “Are you okay?”
“I’m …” Steve hesitated seeing the look of pure concern in TJ’s eyes. “I’m not sure.”
Tugging Steve over to their couch, TJ spread the oversized, fuzzy blanket over them as he curled into Steve’s side, keeping one of the blond’s hands entangled within his own.
“You know I’m here to listen. Seeing Bucky had to be quite the shock.” TJ remembered Steve’s musings about how much Hydra may have made Bucky like him when he was captured and knew he would be beating himself up over it.
“I should never have stopped looking for him.” Steve’s voice was a mere whisper but TJ could hear every creak in his broken heart. “They found him. They destroyed him. And I did nothing to stop them.”
TJ grimaced knowing that no simple platitude would make this hurt less, but he had to try.
“You couldn’t have known. You told me you searched as long as you could, but you weren’t free to make the decision on how long that was. Had anyone known what was going to happen I’m sure they search would have continued longer.”
Steve started to speak but only a sob came out. “What if I fail him again.” He forced the words out as TJ wrapped him in his arms.
“You won’t. You have better resources and an entire family of people ready to help this time. By the morning JARVIS will have worked his magic and we’ll be ready to find a way to bring him back.” TJ shuddered slightly realizing the physical return wasn’t the only one that needed to happen.
Meeting TJ’s eyes, Steve leaned his head closer, letting his lips press gently against the other man’s. He hoped his touch could convey what he couldn’t find the words to express.
Resting his forehead against TJ’s, Steve tried to ground himself in the present rather than letting the grief of his past failure consume him. Several moments later, Steve leaned back, watching TJ carefully.
“How are you holding up? I mean getting dumped in the Indian Ocean was no cake walk, but from what I heard the experience wasn’t much less intense here.”
“It might have shaved a few years off my life expectancy, but you made it home and that’s all that really mattered.” TJ fell silent but Steve could see something else weighed on his mind.
“What is it?”
TJ shook his head.
“Please don’t shut me out.” Steve tried to suppress the panic welling inside him that the day's events and revelations had been too much for TJ, that they reached the limit of the bullshit TJ could take.
“I just,” TJ buried his head in his hands, blowing out a long breath. “Fuck. It’s nothing.”
Steve tugged the other man’s hands away from his face. “Obviously it isn’t nothing.”
“By comparison to the rest of today I’m,” he paused as the look on Steve’s face registered. “It’s not important.” He revised his initial sentence.
“TJ, you are incredibly important to me, to everyone here, so if it is enough to cause you to react like this then it is most definitely something important to me. Please tell me what’s bothering you.”
Steve winced when TJ’s gaze dropped to the floor in front of the couch.
“If you have him back you won’t need me.” TJ let the words out in a whispered rush before spring to his feet prepared to make a bolt for the door.
A large, warm hand caught his wrist before he could take a single step.
“You aren’t some fill in for Bucky. He was my best friend. My brother in every way that counted. And yes, I want him back safe and in my life. But TJ, what I feel for you, what is between us, is something completely different.”
TJ felt himself wobble as his breath released in a ragged sob.
“Please,” Steve tugged his wrist gently, guiding TJ onto his lap. “Don’t ever think I will set you aside from someone else. When we first took this step I told you I wasn’t letting you go once I had you and I meant it.”
“I’m sorry.” TJ buried his head into the crook of Steve’s neck.
“No. I’m sorry.” Steve held him tight. “I’m sorry that everything in your past has made it so easy for you to believe I could walk away from you. I’m sorry we haven’t had more time for you to feel confident in my love for you before things managed to go so entirely insane. I’m sorry for what all this is going to put you through.”
“What do you mean?”
“I know you’re going to want to help with the search. Judging by what I saw today, saying the intel we’re going to uncover is going to be unpleasant is an understatement. I won’t stop you because you deserve what’s going on every bit as much as the rest of the team and you have a keen eye for detail, but I’m still sorry you’re going to be exposed to it all.”
TJ couldn’t help the small smile that tugged at his mouth. “Can’t say I’m looking forward to what we’re going to read, but I’m so glad you aren’t going to try to keep me out of it. I want to help bring him home.”
Steve kissed his hair before he responded. “Couldn’t do it without you. I should probably apologize for the inevitable mess I’m going to be during this. I’d like to say I’ll keep it together and be cool about everything, but I’m pretty sure we both know better.”
TJ leaned back so he could meet Steve’s eyes. “I can deal with it. Just promise me you won’t shut me out when you're getting overwhelmed.”
Steve nodded and TJ let himself snuggle back into his embrace. For several moments they remained silently wrapped in each other’s arms.
“Not that I don’t love curling up like this, but you’ve got to be exhausted and there’s a really comfy, gigantic bed less than ten feet away. What do you say we take a nice warm shower and go burrow under the covers?”
“I say you’re a genius.” Steve slipped one arm under TJ’s legs and rose from the couch with the other man in his arms, a sense of release flooding through him that he wasn’t going to face the coming days alone.