The second attempt
It is overwhelming. Choking him, making his sight blur and thoughts scream. Anger and betrayal fills him, until there is nothing else left. He cannot think, cannot see past what he knows. He is a monster, he does not belong. Never has belonged. Could never belong. It is all wrong. It is so wrong, but still it makes perfect sense. Everything is falling into place and he hates it, hates it with all his might. All these years he spent feeling out of place, trying to mold himself into what everyone else expected. It was all for nothing. He could have done nothing to fit in. Monster. Everything is a lie. Thor is not his brother. He never was and never will be. It all begins to make sense. Why Odin could never favour Loki, why he would never be worthy of the throne or the Allfather's love. He is not worthy for he is no Odinson. He is a monster. He is one of them, one of the frost giants. A disgusting beast with no sense of moral or worth. A monster, one that Thor will kill. A monster that tried to kill Thor mere hours ago. Loki doesn’t know why he did it, why he sent the destroyer after Thor. He just had to have him gone, have him stay out of Asgard and let Loki handle this mess on his own. He would show them all what a great king he could make and then Thor and his treacherous friends would never get to question him again. He would show where his loyalty lies and that he is of Asgard.
But no, he will never be of Asgard. He is Loki, son of Laufey and heir to the crown of Jotunheim. He doesn’t want it. He wants nothing to do with that planet, nothing more than to destroy it. To kill all of them. But now he will not get to do that, because Thor is here to ruin everything. He is here and he will kill Loki. He will kill him once he finds out what Loki is. And he will find out, now that Loki knows everything will come out. Thor will see the monstrosity that Loki is and he will kill him. He can’t change it. With all his knowledge and power, he cannot make this go away. Especially not now, not when Thor is here, trying to make things right. There is no making this right. Everything is too broken and Loki doesn’t know how to fix it. If it ever can be fixed.
Loki cannot listen to him, cannot look at him without feeling like he is being ripped in half. He feels as if someone ripped out all parts of him and then tried to put it back, but did it all wrong. He does not feel like himself, he doesn’t even know who “himself” is, not anymore. Everything is a lie, all he thought he knew was a lie, all he was made to believe. He is a lie, not a liar, but a lie. His life. He has never belonged, could never have. He is a monster. A monster. And now that Thor is here everyone will know and he will be executed. Death will come from someone else's hand and Loki cannot deal with it, cannot stand the thought of it.
“When I am king, I'll hunt the monsters down and slay them all!” Thor said that. He said that. And here Loki is, one of those monsters and Thor soon to be king. Loki cannot let him kill him. He won’t let him. He can’t.
All words he and Thor exchange on the bridge feel as if they are said underwater and Loki cannot see where this ends, but he is sure his death is inevitable. He knows he is destroying Jotunheim, killing all the monsters, but himself. He is proving he isn’t one of them. He is taking a side, he is in Asgard, he is Odin’s son, not Laufey’s, if not by blood then by choice. He is not one of the monsters. He can’t be, if he is then he will die. Thor will kill him. He will kill him and Loki will deserve it, just for being what he is. He cannot let it happen.
Loki doesn’t know what is happening. He knows Thor is trying to stop him and he knows they are talking, that he is saying things to Thor, but he knows not what. He can’t breathe, can’t think. It is as if all his control has slipped away and he is left bare. But then, Thor breaks the Bifrost and Loki is hanging by a thread. He cannot breathe and time stands still as he looks at Odin and seeks his approval. He craves it, he needs to hear that he is still Odin’s son. That his blood won’t change that. He is not monster. It is his last chance, he needs to know he is still Odin’s son, that he won’t be executed, that he still has worth in Asgard. Loki says something, he cannot tell what, but he knows words leave his mouth and he craves a positive response, he needs to know that he is wanted.
“No, Loki.”
The world shatters and if he didn’t feel so frozen he would have laughed. He turns to stone. There is nothing left. He is as good as dead already. Letting go isn’t difficult and neither is watching the shock on Thor’s face or the despair of Odin’s. He doesn’t care, it is over and they didn’t get to kill him. He was one of the monsters and he killed it, Loki did, so even if the Allfather wasn’t happy with him before, at least his last act will show his loyalty. He is of Asgard. He is in his heart and for that he kills himself. He does it for them. The darkness doesn’t scare him. He is ready.
***
Time passes differently when floating through the void and Loki is dead. He is nothing. He is nothing yet he is everything. He is one with the void and eventually the void will swallow all. He will get to bring destruction and peace to the universe. He has purpose. He belongs here, he has no own thoughts. All he is, is the void’s. He does not need to prove himself here, he is enough. The void accepts him and lets him be. Let’s him find his place. He is at peace.
Suddenly, he is no longer nothing, no longer floating, he is separated from the void and it hurts. His eyes bleed and as do his ears. There is a terrible scream filling his head and it takes what feels like hours before he realises it comes from himself. It takes even longer for him to stop. The scream is replaced by a voice which speaks and fills all his senses and he cannot escape. It fills him and tells him about glory and honour and victory, of how he, Loki, can be the leader of a realm. Of how he can be worthy of a throne, how people will look up to him, listen to him, respect him. He will not be a monster. He will be Loki and all will fear him. - The only condition is that he does the voice and his master a favour.
Loki is tempted to obey and to bring destruction and to watch everyone burn. He wants all the people who have wronged him to see how mighty he can be. He wants it, but more than that he wants to die. He wants to feel at peace and to rest. He wants to go back to the void so he no longer needs to think. He wants to be filled by the void and to fill the void. He craves the nothingness of it. He does not want to think about honour or victory or glory or a throne, he wants to leave all of that, he needs not to think about Asgard and what they value. He just wants to be alone. He tells the voice that he isn’t interested. That he will not take the offer, that he has no need of victory or honour. He just wants peace.
It is a mistake. Everything turns into pain and he screams. He screams and he screams and it never stops. The pain doesn’t ease and he cannot feel anything but it. He cannot tell the source of it. It doesn’t begin anywhere and it has no end. It is all he knows. He cannot stand it. He cannot think. He is so full of it that it becomes all he is. He is the pain he feels.
It stops. He pants and cries and he doesn’t know what to do. Everything is too much. The lack of pain drives him mad. He cannot handle the gentleness of the air around him. Pain was all he was and now it is gone. It hurts more than the pain did. The voice fills him again and asks him if he is ready to accept the offer now. He cannot tell what he answers, but the pain returns and he cannot breathe.
He doesn’t know how many times he gets asked if he will obey, but eventually it all stops and he is on Midgard. He knows not how he got there, but he knows what he has to do. He will make them all kneel. He will fulfill his deal and bring the Titan the tesseract. He will not fail. Failure will lead to pain and he will have no more pain. He is stronger than it. He will win this time and he will never feel the pain he felt before. He will win. He must.
He will show them all how mighty he is.