Chapter 1
Peter Parker knows what he is doing.
Whenever he holds her hand, or brings her aside before the movie starts to have a somewhat private conversation with her. Peter knows he is making Gwen Stacy feel like the luckiest girl in the world. And he knows what he is doing to Michelle.
And honestly, she deserves it. It was her fault. Michelle will never be worthy of Peter, and although she is sitting in his living room right now eating his food acting like everything between them is okay-- it isn’t. It isn’t okay because she still aches for him to kiss her, and she still thinks about how terrible she was, and how him forgiving her somehow made it worse.
Peter looks at her differently now. He doesn’t trust her anymore, and the stars that appeared in his eyes are gone now. (Those are reserved for someone else, and she hates that.) Peter even talks to her different, like he has to tiptoe around a verbal mindfield so she won’t blow up at him again.
As Ned and Peter talk about how excited they are for senior year, Michelle tries to look at Gwen without making it obvious. She’s holding Peter’s hand, and looking at him like he’s the best person she knows. Michelle wonders if she’s looking at him like that because she knows his secret, or because she likes him more that Michelle thought she did.
What would hurt worse? It took four months for Peter to open up to Michelle about being Spider-Man, and he and Gwen have only been dating two months. But Peter and Michelle weren’t official--no one even knew about them, besides Ned, because she thought titles were confining and suffocating-- but she realizes now that it would’ve been different with Peter. She was infatuated with him, even before he told her that he fights crime, so Michelle knows how easy it is to fall for Peter. She just didn’t want it to happen this quickly.
Gwen is a nice and pretty girl. So much nicer and prettier than Michelle, with her platinum blonde hair, button nose, and prep-school manners. Michelle tried not to, but she does actually like her. Actually, Gwen has become one of her’s best friends. When she transferred to Midtown last year, Michelle saw Gwen sitting alone during lunch, so she sat down next to her. Quickly, they had inside jokes and spent their weekends together. Gwen was a big part of Michelle’s life when everything went horribly wrong with Peter, and she doesn’t even know about it. When Peter asked Michelle if it was okay for him to ask her out, he also made sure that Gwen didn’t know about their relationship. “I mean, it’s what you wanted,” he had said. And most of the time, Michelle is fine with it.
Other times, like tonight, she is not fine with it. Because tonight, Peter can’t keep his hands off of his girlfriend. If Gwen knew, she would be more respectful to Michelle and tell Peter to knock it off. Michelle can’t do it, because that’d look weird. It’s not like his tongue is in her ear-- Peter Parker is still Peter Parker, horny teenage boy or not. Michelle is sure he’s trying to be conscious of everyone else in the room, even when he buries his head in the crook of Gwen’s neck like a lovesick puppy.
He used to be like that with me.
“MJ? Earth to MJ.” Ned is waving a hand in her face to get her attention. Michelle snaps back to reality and realizing she’s been staring at Gwen this whole time. “You okay?”
“Uh,” Michelle notices Gwen readjust herself so her legs are draped over Peter’s lap. She feels like shit. “Totally. Why?”
“Because you’re in Wonderland or something,” Gwen giggles. “What are you thinking about?”
Peter’s hand is running up and down Gwen’s leg. “Senior year. It’s kinda scary, isn’t it? Nine months and you all might never talk to me again.”
“You think so little of us?” Ned says, in a jokingly offended tone. “We’d never let that happen. You’re too important to us.”
“I could never live a day without your sarcastic comments, MJ. They’ve become apart of my daily routine,” Gwen isn’t kidding. She actually does love Michelle’s sarcastic remarks, even if they are a bit mean sometimes. “Right, Peter?”
“Right. You’re way too important to me, MJ.” Peter holds eye contact with Michelle while a silence lingers around them, a silence Michelle doesn’t even know is real. He said to me. ‘You’re way too important to me.’ Her heart was beating out of her chest and- “To us,” he corrected himself.
Fuck. Nevermind.
Twenty minutes later, Peter’s phone starts to ring. He throws his head back in frustration and excuses himself, saying that he’s going to go pick up some pizza. It was his special ringtone. There was a criminal roaming in Queens.
Michelle takes Peter’s spot on the couch next to Gwen. “Does it ever get annoying? How much Peter takes off with his lame excuses?”
Ned is on his phone, ignoring the girls, and Gwen lays her head on her best friend’s lap. “What do you mean?” Gwen stares up at Michelle, and god-- she was beautiful. No one could deny that.
“Like, okay, last week when he was late for your date because there was an issue with his mail. It was Sunday.”
“Huh. I mean, I guess it doesn’t. Peter’s been threw a lot, and he’s still going through a lot, so it’s gotta be something important. He’ll tell me about it when he wants to, I’m sure.” Gwen is so understanding that it makes Michelle’s blood boil. Not because what Gwen said was annoying, but it made Michelle feel like a real bitch. Whenever Peter would dip out suddenly with a stupid excuse, Michelle would get pissy when he came back and accuse him of things that were very un-Peter Parker like. The only reason he told her was because she was being bitchy again and he finally snapped.
Maybe he never would have told her if she didn't push. Did he even want to tell her when he did? Michelle hates not knowing all the answers to her millions of questions.
Michelle is trying to find something to talk about when Gwen asks her the same thing. “Does it bother you?”
“Sometimes I just want to hang out with my friend without him having to ‘walk the dog.’” Gwen starts to laugh and Michelle quickly says, “Shit, did that sound sexual? I just meant that he doesn’t have a dog and he literally said that two days ago.”
“It’s fine, M. He’s kinda stupid sometimes.” Michelle nods, and Gwen hooks her neckline to bring her down to her ear. “But, I think I love him.”
Michelle’s eyes almost pop out of their sockets.
___
one year ago
“I think I’m falling in love with you,” Peter whispered into her ear.
He probably thought she was asleep, but how could she fall asleep when his touch felt simply electric against her skin. Michelle’s body was pressed up against Peter’s, and his arms were wrapped around her stomach. Peter kissed Michelle’s cheek and finally relaxed and laid his head down on the pillow.
That didn’t last long, though.
“What did you just say?” she sits up on Peter’s bed and leans forward to shut the movie off on his laptop. “Did you just-- Peter, I-- I thought--” Michelle couldn’t form a sentence. It was like her tongue knew whatever she was going to say was going to be terrible.
Michelle was already in love with him. Even though he’s gone whenever she woke up, and ditched in the middle of her favorite movie, she understood. That was one of the things she loved the most about him; how he always put everyone else above his own happiness. Michelle also loved his smile, and his rock hard abs, and how careful he was with her, and how he always messed up making dinner.
She couldn’t tell him that, though. It felt too vulnerable, and naked-- and Michelle didn’t know if she could pour her heart out like he could.
Peter looked scared. “I said I think I’m falling off the bed with glue,” he stammered, but then closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “No I didn’t. I said I think I’m falling in love with you. I know that we said we wouldn’t, but you are just-- The best girl I’ve ever met.”
“Peter--”
“I love how you smell like vanilla and rose at the same time. And I love your hair, whether it’s up or down, and how you make fun of me. And I love how you don’t wear makeup-- not that I wouldn’t love it if you did, it’s just-- okay whatever, you get it. And when you wake up next to me in that fresh morning light, my heart literally stops beating. I truly don’t deserve to be able to say this, but: I am falling in love with you, Michelle Jones.” Peter was looking into her eyes with such hope and desire. He was telling her the truth, and he deserved it back.
But she couldn’t say it. When she opened her mouth to talk, she felt like she was going to vomit. Tears started collecting in her eyes and Peter engulfed her in a big hug, which turned into him kissing her neck, and her jaw, and her lips.
“Peter, stop,” she said, wishing he wouldn’t listen to her. He did. “You deserve so much more than me.”
“I don’t.” He wipped a tear away from her cheek, “Why are you crying, baby?”
“You deserve so much. You sacrifice yourself every day for people you don’t even know. And what do I do? I’m bitter that you don’t have enough time for me. Even though I-” Even though I love you. Her entire demeanor changed, and whatever was coming next was a lie. “Even though I told you I didn’t want something serious. And falling in love in serious.”
Peter looked hurt. Tears were collecting in his eyes, too. “Do you not want to be with me anymore?”
Michelle shook her head slowly. “That’s not what I said, Peter.”
“That’s what it sounds like. Michelle, it’s okay for someone to love you. Let me be that person,” he grabbed for her hands but she yanks them away before he can touch her.
“Peter. I told you my conditions five months ago,” she kept her eyes down, so she wouldn’t have to look at the boy that she was currently lying to and damaging. “I told you nothing serious. I told you no labels. I told you.”
“Tell me why you can’t let me love you and I’ll drop it.”
Michelle wanted to tell him why. Peter poured his heart out to her daily, and she felt like she was weak if she did the same. It’s because of her fucking parents.
“Drop it now or I’m leaving and never coming back,” Michelle bluffed.
“MJ, are you serious? You sound so childish--”
“Fine,” Michelle stood up, grabbed her sweatshirt and bag, and started walking towards the door. “I’ll see you when school starts, Parker.” She started turning the knob when, in a flash, Peter was next to her, his hand firmly keeping the door closed.
“Jesus Christ, I’ll drop it. I hate you and your hair looks like shit and I wish you wore makeup. Is that what you want to hear?” His other hand was sneaking underneath Michelle’s top, and his fingers on her bare back made her just melt.
“Thank you.” Michelle drops her items and her hands wind up in his hair. “Now, kiss me like you hate it.”
___
“You’re in love with him?” Michelle spits out, her volume out of control, and it gets Ned’s attention.
“Are you serious?” Ned says. He doesn’t sound happy, and Michelle knows it’s because Ned is rooting for her and Peter to get back together.
Gwen bites her lip and nods enthusiastically. Apparently, she isn’t reading the room. “Yeah, I am. How could you not fall in love with Peter Parker? Just the way he looks at me sends chills through my whole body.”
“Okay, but, you’re sure? Like if you’re not one hundred percent sure then don’t even mention it ever again because-”
“Ned, I’m certain. And I’m going to tell him when he walks me home tonight, so you two better keep your mouth shut, okay?”
Ned looks at Michelle for a long time before he nods, with pity behind his eyes. He is the only person who knows about Michelle and Peter, because Peter can only handle keeping a handful of secrets at a time. She didn’t really mind though; it gave her more opportunities to be held by Peter.
Michelle feels like she’s going to throw up. Gwen is going on and on about Peter now, and she isn’t stopping any time soon. “Peter and I almost did it last night, but he stopped and said he wanted my first time to be special like his was. Isn’t that sweet?” Michelle is about to lose it. He really said that to her? She doesn’t really remember it being all that special. Peter’s twin bed made Michelle’s back hurt for weeks, and they had to be extra quiet so they wouldn’t wake May. However, Michelle can’t think about it without smiling. They were in love with each other. Was that why he said it was special?
And is he not in love with Gwen, then?
Anyways, Michelle must look like she’s going to throw up because Ned cuts Gwen off to ask, “MJ, are you okay? You look a little pale.”
“I’m fine. Just a little hungry.”
Gwen takes Michelle’s hand and kisses it lightly, and holy hell, Michelle feels so bad for lying sometimes. She’s just such a good person. “I’m sure Peter will be back soon with some pizza. Do you want to start the movie? He can’t get mad if I say it was my idea.”
Michelle nods. “I’m not really in the mood to watch Silent Hill anymore, though. Can you look to see what else May has?”
Gwen looks in the Parker’s CD cabinet and after ten minutes of arguments, they finally settle on Mamma Mia. Michelle kept getting notifications about Spider-Man fighting someone called Green Goblin in Manhattan, so she was a little detached from the conversation. Although it wouldn’t be her first choice, she would never admit that she actually does love it.
At this point, Peter has been gone for an hour. Michelle can see Ned getting anxious, she can feel Gwen’s nerves whenever she moves positions on the couch, and with every passing second Michelle gets more and more nauseous. She would go home, but she needs to see if Peter’s okay.
Suddenly, the door bursts open. Peter stands there with four boxes of pizza, a huge bruise on his eye, and a smile plastered on his face. “I am so sorry it took so long. I almost got mugged!”
“Peter Parker, do you not know how to text?” Gwen shot up off the couch, rushing over to her boyfriend. She takes Peter’s face in her hands and gently rubs her thumb across his fresh black eye. “You’re an idiot,” Gwen sighs in defeat, and plants a quick peck on Peter’s cheek.
“I’m all good, by the way. I fought him off with my sheer willpower. He was twice the size of me! It was insane. Anyways, I have pizza and-- You guys started the movie without me?” Peter is all over the place. He must have won the fight; he’s always like this when he wins.
“You were gone for a fucking hour, Parker,” Michelle snaps. Ever since he stopped telling her about his Spider-Man adventures, she is more than just scared for him. She’s terrified. She gets all her updates about him on Twitter, and she always convinces herself he’s dead.
“MJ, be nice. He got mugged.” Gwen engulfed him in a hug, and Peter stares at Michelle the whole time. He looks apologetic.
“I got everyone their own personal pizza. You guys are probably really hungry, and it’s kinda like an apology for having to wait so long.” Peter looks at Michelle and adds, “And for other things.”
He got her barbeque chicken pizza, and Michelle’s heart did a backflip. Peter hadn’t bought her her favorite pizza since they broke things off, and she can’t figure out why he did today. Peter winks at her, in a friendly manner, when he sits down next to Gwen. “What are we watching?”
Michelle only eats a few bites of one slice the whole rest of the movie. She didn’t actually think her body hates her this much, because she might really throw up. She feels light headed, groggy, and a little sweaty. Michelle is only focusing on trying to keep it in. And not the fact that Peter has texted her a few times, asking her if she was okay, because she looks kinda bad, but not in a mean way, she just doesn’t look healthy. It would’ve made her laugh in any other circumstance.
God, he won’t stop looking at her. Gwen is snuggled into his chest and Peter is concerned about Michelle. She needs him to stop otherwise--
Michelle moves and her body decides that’s the last straw. She feels the few bites of pizza move back up her throat, and she gets up and stumbles quickly to the bathroom. She makes it just in time. Gwen follows her in, takes her own hair out of the ponytail it’s in, and puts Michelle’s hair up so it doesn’t get caught in the vomit. “Holy shit,” Michelle can hear Peter’s voice, “Are you okay, MJ?”
“Obviously not, Peter,” Ned scowls, but he must’ve been joke-mad because they laugh a second later.
“Can you two shut up? Peter, get some water for her” Gwen groans. She’s holding Michelle’s hair, even though she doesn’t need to, and is stroking Michelle’s back. “My mom used to do this when I got sick as a child, is it making you feel any better?”
She can’t get any words out, so she nods. A second later, Peter is handing Gwen the glass of water, and Gwen is placing it in front of Michelle’s lips. She takes a few gulps before feeling like she was going to puke all over again.
“Gwen, your dad is calling,” Ned informs them.
“Damn, he must want me home. Are you going to be okay, MJ?” Michelle nods again, and Gwen leans down to kiss her cheek. “I’ll check in tomorrow.” Michelle watches as Gwen turns to Peter and takes his hand. “I don’t suppose you can walk me home?”
“Sorry, Gwen. May would be so pissed if I didn’t take care of her.” Peter kisses her, a goodbye kiss, and Michelle sees Gwen smile.
“It’s fine. My dad makes me carry pepper spray, anyways.”
Ned leaves soon after Gwen. Michelle realizes that this is the first time she’s been alone with Peter in months, and she’s hunched on her knees over the toilet. Peter is adamant to touch her at first, but begins to do the same thing Gwen was doing. “I texted May. She said you can stay here, if you want. Actually, she said she’d kill me if you didn’t.”
“That sounds like her.” Michelle manages out a laugh. “It’s not like anyone is waiting up for me.”
“Yeah. Wait, what?” Michelle never told him about her relationship with her parents. She can’t believe she forgot that.
“Hmm? I’m tired.”
Peter doesn’t push it and lifts her up effortlessly, bridal style. He carries her into his bedroom and tucks her into his bed. If she didn’t feel like shit, she’d be loving this. He places a bucket next to the bed and a glass of water on the bedside table, and looks at her one last time before telling her goodnight. “I hope you feel better in the morning, M.” Peter smiles and lingers, he looks reminiscent and like he doesn’t want to leave her. But, he does, and she quickly falls asleep.
__
one hour later
GWEN: come outside. i have to talk to you, it’s important
GWEN: sorry, mj, that was meant for peter. i hope i didn’t wake you if you were sleeping
She did wake her. And if she didn’t, Peter would have ten minutes later. He barged into his room, slams the door, and repeatedly bangs his head against it. He is groaning something along the lines of “Fuck, shit, I hate my fucking life.”
“Peter? Are you okay?” Michelle propped herself up on her elbows and turned the light on.
“I forgot you were in here, sorry, M. Were you sleeping? Y’know what, I’ll leave.”
“Peter. What’s going on?”
“Gwen knows. And I need your help, because she hates me right now.”