No Losses, Just WINS and TIES

-Lupe can’t drive well and Jess’s driving is terrifying.

• Order of driving a getaway vehicle if we actually robbed a bank: Jess, me, then Lupe.
• More likely: me then Lupe.  Greta is definitely in the bank flirting with someone and Jess is probably pulling off the heist.

-What do we do if we run out of gas?

-Charlie will tell Meg and Meg will tell Dad I’m not coming home.

• Will Charlie continue to remain silent?

• Will this be embarrassing enough to keep Meg quiet?

• Am I ever going to revisit Idaho?  Is that something I would ever want?

-Meg finds me and tells me what a problem I am.

• Maybe with all her time she’s saving on trying to fix me she can find out if she’s actually happy in mimicking a Norman Rockwell painting and calling it life.

-Not being able to get a hotel room without a husband figure.

• Why do I need a room with two beds at a hotel?

• I’m wearing a wedding ring, so where is my husband?

-What if Greta never received my letter?

• What if she moves on because she doesn’t think I want her?

• What if she thinks I’ve abandoned her?

• What if she leaves New York because of either of these?

-How long will the war continue on?

-Will the League come back next season?

• Is this contingent on the war?

• Is it popular enough to continue regardless?

-If I’m not playing ball, what job can I get?

• What practical skills do I possess?

• Could I be a journalist?

-After finding out more about me, will I still be the one Greta wants? (If she hasn’t already moved on).

-Have I ever been in love with someone?

• I think that’s what I feel for her, but I don’t have anyone to talk about what love like that really feels like.

• The only people I could really ask are Vi and Edie - could I find a way to talk to them?

• Could Greta ever love again?  Could it be me?

• What if I’m the one that finds someone else?  What if they’re just simple and easy?  Do I want to even try to find anyone else?  Maybe I should flirt with a girl at a bar and see how it makes me feel?

-Where and why did my mother go?

• What exactly “is in me” that makes me like her and willing to disappear?

• Would Dad give me an honest answer if I asked him?  (If he’ll even talk to me).

• Do I want the answers to those questions?

• Did she resent having Meg and me like I would have resented having a child with Charlie?

-What if Charlie didn’t go back to Idaho, again?

• Will I ever stop searching for his face in a crowd?

• Do I need to be paranoid about ever seeing him?

• He has army pals all over the country - would he ask them to find me? Spy on me? (Would he really want them to potentially see me with her?)

• What if he’s deployed again?  Can they do that in his condition?  What if he is killed over there?

-What would Shirley’s mom say about how many sandwiches we have eaten on the road?  (It’s only practical).

-So many thoughts about Jo.

• Has she forgiven me?

• Does she actually blame me?  Does she blame Greta?

• Have they spoken since she left?

• Does she hate me for wanting to be with her?

• Does she trust me?  To never give up on her?  To know when to give her space?  To know when she needs to be called out on her words or actions?

• How can I contact her?  Would Greta be upset if I did?

• Would she tell Greta if I did contact her?  What would she tell her?  (Same questions, but what if Greta still hasn’t received my letter?)

-Will we get to come back for a second season?

• How would teams be determined?

• Would returning players be automatically assigned to their previous team?  What if they don’t want that?  Are there options?

• What if our team is split apart?  What if Greta and I are split apart?

• What if Greta likes her new life and doesn’t end up coming back?

• Would they cut anyone that wanted to come back in favor of new members?

• Can I still coach?  Do they want me to coach?  What if it’s between coaching and playing?

-Is it really “play catch?”

-How is Max doing?

• How is life on the road?  How long are they on the road at a time?

• Is she with Esther?  Are they happy?

• When/Will I get to see her again?

• Has her Mom accepted her?

-What if my articles or interviews are terrible?

• What if they don't want me to represent the League or be a spokeswoman for them?

• Would they take away coaching as a result?

• What else could I do for a job?

-I’m going to have to call Charlie so he can send the divorce papers.  He’ll know exactly where I am.

• Would this send him coming after me? After Greta?

• Can I have the papers sent somewhere else and pick them up?

• Can I have them sent to Sarge and ask her to forward them to me?

-How much Spanish can I learn from Lupe in the time we’re together?

• I want to be able to connect with Esti more.

• Being a part of this team kept me from being isolated and I want to be a better friend to her.

-Who wouldn’t come back for another season?

• Will someone get married and start a new chapter of their life?

• Will Terry and Irving get pregnant?

• Would/could Maybelle leave her kids again?

• Greta.  I wish I didn’t question this.  She said she wouldn’t miss it for the world, right?

-Who am I attracted to?

• Men?

• Women?

• Do I have to decide or place myself into a category?

• I’ve never been on my own to see who I would naturally gravitate to - and now knowing that there’s more than one option?

• Could I actually ever pursue someone?  Of any gender?

• What if I’m only attracted to Greta?

• I’ve only wanted to think of Greta.  How do I ultimately know who I am and what I like?

• Will learning about myself change me so much that she’s no longer attracted to me?  That she only liked me in a naive and moldable form?

-Should I get a different “wedding ring?”

• It would keep the illusion of marriage, but not have Charlie literally following me everywhere I exist.

• If I do get another ring, should I keep this one?  Mail it back?  Sell it?

-What if it’s too hard to be with Greta?

• What if she never stops wanting to run?

• Were her other flings like me?  Why did she pick me?  How did she pick any of the others?  Could I even ask her?

• Would she ever settle down?  Feel safe enough to land and build a home?

• Will she always be scared and forget to live?

• Am I too much and not enough for her all at the same time?

-What will family look like to me in a year?  In five years?  In ten?

• What will I do when Dad dies?

• What if he and Meg don’t talk to me and I don’t know when that day comes?

• What if Dad cuts me out of his life?  Do I never know?  Does Meg tell me?  Does Charlie?

• What if Dad and I talk over the years, but Meg doesn’t tell me?  Or tells me but prohibits me from coming to a funeral?

-Does Charlie go back to Lake Valley and continue life as it was, just without me?

• Does he still go to Sunday dinners at his parents house like we did?

• Does he go to Dad’s or Meg’s on Friday even without me there?

• Does he talk about me to people in town?  What does he say if he does?

-What will Meg tell her kids about me?

• Where will she say I am?  Why is Uncle Charlie back and not Auntie Carson?

• Do they know where I have been?

• Will she even bother telling them anything about me?

• What if they see me or my name in the paper?

-Will I ever marry again?

• To whom?  Have I met them?

• Would Greta ever want to be married?  I know it wouldn’t be the same as with Charlie, but I don’t know if that would hinder her?  Would she say what’s the point?  Would she say it’s not real?  (We decide what’s real, right?)  It’s too risky?  Could she ever wear a ring I gave her?  What if it went on a different finger and we just knew what it meant?

• If I were to end up married like Vi and Edie, would I want to take their name?  I mean, probably to disassociate myself from Charlie.  Legally, I’m bound to Shaw and I am also known in the League by that name, they might request/require I keep Shaw for appearances.

-Would I ever want children?

• Does this stem from my own Mom walking out on us?

• Is it that I just couldn’t see myself having children with Charlie?

• Would I want children with a different partner?

• If I don’t have a husband, is it worth even thinking about because it’d likely be impossible?

-What do I think of the Hermanos relationship, like is there something I’m not getting?

• They aren’t exactly subtle, but I can’t figure it out. Would Greta know? She lived with Jess.
• Some of their bar escapades left me questioning, but not wanting a direct answer.

• Do they remember I’m in the car with them if I’m writing on notecards or reading?

• Who’s Alma and why is Lupe sending her money?

-Sarge gave back Jess’ fine money from the season and said she was “taking care of her own?”

• I should ask them what they know or suspect.

• Wait, Sarge said she paid the police off with her own money to save Jo.  That means - is that what it means?

• Oh my god, I have to tell Greta about this.

-These notecards are getting a little out of hand.

• I need to separate my play cards from my random rambling thoughts.
• How should I organize them?
• Subject material? Family and Idaho, Charlie, Sexuality and Gender, League, Greta (definitely her own section).

-Has anyone ever suspected that I might be queer?

• Before the League?  In Idaho?  Anyone who isn’t on our team or the other three teams?  Sarge?

• How long have people questioned it?

• I wish someone could have helped me out with that before I married Charlie.

• Who else have I known that is like me?  Or anyone in our community of sorts?

• Would things have been easier if someone knew already?

• Did Greta really think I was/am or did she think I was just a bored housewife that didn’t know how I felt?  Would that answer have mattered to her?

-Where will I live after the boarding house in New York?

• Can I stay long enough until the Spring and go back to Rockford?

• Should I get an apartment?  Find a roommate?

• Would it be possible to find a two bedroom place to live with Greta?  We could say our husbands are still overseas and were drafted shortly after we married so we got a place to save money?  Would people expect us to go back to living with our parents if this was the case?

• I should ask Greta about all the living situations she’s ever had.  Maybe that could get us at least broaching the subject?

-I wish I had someone like Vi and Edie I could really ask questions to.  Lu and Jess are great, but they enjoy the “bachelor life” as they say.

• I’m new to this, but settling down with the right person sounds more my speed.

• Perhaps they’ve never loved someone that they want to stick around for.  Is this a theme amongst our kind?  Lu, Jess, Greta, and Jo - they’re all similar in that way.

• Maybe seeing what Vi and Edie have just has me thinking that’s my ultimate goal?

• How did they figure out… “all of this?”  Did they have other people before each other?

-This trip is teaching me a lot.  Both of the Hermanos have been open and answer questions without holding back.

• I just don’t know where I fit in.  I’ve always kind of felt this way, but I was hoping figuring out myself would redirect me?  Maybe that’s just how I am?

• I am tired of conforming to what other people’s expectations are for me.

• They’ve taught me about the freedom to find out what I like and pursue it passionately.  (Their passions just change name with each new city).