Undeniable
Carson,
So I guess this is more for me than for anything else. As you are having your own self-discovering journey, it’s time to be honest with myself. I thought if I wrote everything down that I want with you, it would make it easier to envision. Can repeating these things to myself somehow manifest them into reality? Putting ink to paper will finally let my thoughts escape and become more palpable. They’d be undeniable. That’s also the most terrifying prospect - what if someone ever finds them? Keeping us safe has always been and must continue to be a priority. What if I reread them and can’t handle the truth? The possibility of you one day reading my thoughts both raises the panic alarms within me and keeps me living. But if we are to have a real go at an “us,” I don’t want to shut you out. It’s more than that, I can’t shut you out. For you, I’m willing to become undeniable.
I think about you all the time and yet, I don’t have a way of talking to you… Reaching you… Seeing you… Making you tangible and not slipping through the cracks of my broken heart…
If you were here, would I be able to tell you the constant stream of thought that takes over me the moment you appear in my memories? When sleep is interrupted by dreams of you and I? In the visions of what could be? Letting you read my thoughts doesn’t mean I have to be there worrying what a pursed lip or raised eyebrow has you thinking. Getting to this level of communication with you, without closing in on myself, is my penultimate goal. Some days it just seems more impossible than others.
Though you are nowhere in sight, you are everywhere. You’ve completely captivated me. I search the night sky for you in the constellations, but the city is so bright, the stars are almost eliminated. I don’t want to let go… Don’t want to lose my way… But without the North Star, how does anyone find their way home? With you gone it hurts.
I have held myself at arms length for years. I have never let myself settle… plant roots… have people… rest… The moment I hear the haunting sound of my own heartbeat I self sabotage… get cold feet… become a shadow to the ‘them of the moment,’ but even more to myself. I became comfortable living in the shadows… afraid of the sun… afraid of the warmth… Finding you has been like stepping into the light. It’s beautifully radiant… inviting and captivating… I begin to wonder what a heliocentric life would be like, to be your only orbiting planet. There is no longer a line of desperate and lonely women slinking into my life. There is only room for you.
Here’s to my new found bravery (so to speak- since there's no known situation that you'll be near me again, let alone how soon). But at least I’ve laid it all out there.
Undeniably yours,
Greta
P.S.-
There is an ultimate goal. Technically, it’s not feasible in the most obvious sense. I’ll save this one for if and when we’re reunited as one.