As Long As You’re Mine
Sweetheart,
I was in utter disbelief when I saw your handwriting peeking out of my mail slot. The weight of an envelope took on a gravity all its own; sinking into my hands, I wasn’t sure if I was prepared to absorb it all. Having tears stream down my face for something other than gut wrenching sadness was most welcome. My hands trembled trying to open the letter, honestly not knowing what I was about to uncover. After about the first few sentences, all the air finally escaped my lungs. I wasn’t even aware I was holding my breath. It was a full letter, several pages long - that alone told me you wanted to talk to me and I wasn’t cut out of your life. I stopped reading at that moment and inhaled the paper looking for lingering traces of your perfume. My fingers traced the lines on the envelope, knowing your hand passed over that exact space and it grounded me. It finally dawned on me that I was still standing in the lobby of my building, about a minute from audibly weeping.
Barely composing myself, I skittered up three flights of stairs, and leaned back against the door for a moment to take in the safety and comfort of my own place. I put your letter on the small side table next to my favorite chair. I had to get myself into the proper mindset and calm myself down before jumping any further into your words. Discarding the restrictive clothing from work felt like a good first step. The jumpsuit I wore the day I told you about Dana was hanging on the back of the wardrobe door. Being September, I grabbed the blanket Jo had on the top of her bed, since this outfit was completely impractical. However, it spoke to me. You were about to tell me so much and I was willing to be vulnerable and open to you. Don’t go thinking I was too brave, I still didn’t know what to expect. So, I made some tea and took it with an empty glass and a bottle of wine, both at the ready depending on what you had to say.
Being reasonably calmed down, I curled into my chair ready for every situation I’ve had running through my head since booping your nose as I left. Needless to say, the wine bottle didn’t stay sealed for very long. You were right; I couldn’t look at the house, the porch, or you again. I couldn’t bear to see the first place that felt like a home slip away, potentially forever, let alone see you staring at me. Seeing Charlie behind you on the porch would have changed the last couple of weeks of my life. I would have easily slipped into the maelstrom of my darkest, twisting thoughts. But as I read on, I wish I could have pulled you in and protected you from all the fear and betrayal that came along. Of course, that’s not how it would have panned out and I’m incredibly relieved I never had to be in his presence.
Instant rage overflowed every pore on my body. Carson, from what stories you told the other girls of him I was in disbelief that this was the same man. The lying, the screaming, the vile things he said to you only made me feel worse for degrading us to another fling. The two people who you’ve trusted and cared for have now done this to you- about us. I vow to protect you from this heartbreak for as long as you let me in your life. It pains me that our connection was more obvious than we could have expected. If he was able to register my facial reaction and your body language, we need to keep this in mind going forward. Though, he might be as unique to you as Jo is to me. They can see things the others don’t because they know us almost too well.
I had never asked you for the details of what happened at the hotel. Honestly, I cringed at the possibility of you being with him. Yes, he is (I live for the day to say ‘was’) your husband and I should have anticipated the prospect of you two being intimate after a year of separation. But the respite that came with the knowledge that he never touched you is greater than I should admit to. The extent of my dislike for him is probably skewed in your eye. Charlie and I are destined to be enemies to some degree; perhaps this will fade. He and I were vying for the same woman, one he had the upper hand in claiming. Neither of us was willing to live without you.
You always have a choice, Carson. You always have options and no person (especially a man) has any right to say your thoughts or desires are any less relevant because of who you are. My dearest, I couldn’t be more ecstatic that you are on your way to me, but if I wasn’t your choice and you found someone else I could never tell you that you are optionless. You get to choose your own destiny and that is not limited by our gender or sexuality. Don’t get me wrong; you finding another person (male, female, or any identity) would be one of the hardest pills to swallow. But you are too important to me. I won’t make you feel guilty or say you can’t love that person. Don’t ever let me strip any more happiness from your life. We are equals and must use our free will to choose each other. I neither want you to pick me out of obligation, nor stay with me hoping everything will be worth it. This isn’t me sacrificing myself to you, I am choosing to stay despite fear and the unknown because we could be it.
Losing your family isn’t easy. Don’t count them out completely, one or some of them may surprise you in the future. Regardless of how you’re feeling now and my own thoughts on my mother, you may want them in some capacity. As for children, I respect you for knowing your own mind. I am one of those resented and unwanted children and I was reminded frequently of the expensive burden I was. My fantasies of having children in part come from wanting to be everything my mother wasn’t. It’s ironic that those who want children are those that can’t or the world says they shouldn’t.
I actually gasped and almost broke my glass when I read what you actually said to him. You’re right, it was incredibly risky and reckless, but you aren’t the only one here that has spoken harsh truths to feel validated. As much as I was initially infuriated, I knew you must have more to say. You deserve your freedom and shouldn’t have to stay with him regardless of his military status or any other nonsense he tried conning you with. I do feel awful for what the war has done to him and the horrors he has to live with. No one should have to live with the horrible events of their life on a continuous loop that their mind can’t shut off. I’d like to think, at least for your sake, that he is still the funny, caring, and charming person you grew up with. If that’s the case, your happiness is your security and seemingly mine as well.
Honestly, I don’t know how the League will process the impending news of divorce. As much as I am thrilled that you will have no legal ties to him, I don’t want you to jeopardize the success you’ve had. It pains me to say this, but I hope you will speak to Beverly first. The likelihood of you being able to change your status before the new year is marginal, so there is time to discuss options. You might want to cut him off more quickly at the moment because of the things he said to you, but think about the long run. Pretty rich coming from me, I know. I’m the first one to make rash decisions, but you’re smarter than I am Carson. If it means you have to give up coaching or baseball altogether… God, I can’t believe I’m saying this… stay married to him. You and I will know it is nothing but a piece of paper to you at this point. If we have to wait several years when we retire from playing, move on to a new dream, or the League ceases to exist, so be it. Being with me, or anyone, shouldn’t mean you have to sacrifice what makes you happy. If that’s the plan, the only thing stopping it is Charlie. Whether he wants nothing more to cut ties and be done with everything or chooses to remarry, that is part of the journey. We can cross that bridge when we get to it, together.
This probably sounds like I’m delusional and I don’t sound like the fiery, opinionated, and stubborn person you know me to be. But, darling, I’ve been alone for so long and have seen a different way of looking at life through your eyes. You’re neither changing me, nor asking me to change. You are making me want to be a better person for myself. You deserve nothing less than the best version of me in your life. It will be hard and messy and I promise you we’ll fight and infuriate each other, but ultimately I can’t see myself going to bed angry at night knowing you’re in my arms and will be there when I awake.
Alright, I’m crying now and you’re probably crying as you read this. So let’s change gears and talk about how you’re getting here. That car, huh? That is… well that is certainly something. Not that you’ll be able to see this and act upon it, but do let me know if you ever find my earring. They were my favorites. I can only hope your companions don’t stumble upon it before you do. If it was anyone else I would hold back, but you can probably hear me laughing from here as I can see the exact shade of crimson you’re turning. It might surprise you that I know about Jess’ auto mechanic abilities and a few other hidden talents. We were roommates and I’ve heard some of her best stories of growing up with brothers and the girls they’d all find. Why do you think she started doing her nails so frequently? Actually, no one has asked me about this detail, then again the door was usually closed. We’d trade stories and I’d teach her things about appearances that were the least offensive to her personal style. Having a proper manicure also ensured the mechanics of her rendezvous were less cringing to think going forward.
The pair of them are certainly different from yours truly, but exposure to various forms of our lifestyle should be enlightening for you. I am thrilled to hear you will be taking their advice with a grain of salt, perhaps you’ll also need a shot of tequila to go with it. You can always ask me anything, though I can understand your hesitation to ask me personally. Don’t feel embarrassed about understanding what you’re feeling or who you are. Many of us didn’t have the resources you have at your disposal and well there were a lot of trial and errors along the way. Jo and I have very different tastes and styles, but we have shared almost everything since we were kids. Jo would be an amazing person for you to know on a personal level. She is sound in knowing who she is and amazing at giving advice; she’ll also call you out on your actions, as I know too well. We are fiercely loyal to each other. She does come off as defensive or protective of me, as you well know, but she’s been there to put me back together too many times to count and it’s sort of our love language.
October seems painfully far away right now, but there will be so much life for both of us to have in that time. I can’t wait to hear about every ridiculous story (alright, maybe not all of them). I hope this time is cathartic, but also full of reaffirming opportunities and discoveries. It’s time to open your wings, Chickadee.
Fly home to me,
Greta