Here Without You
Carson,
I was running errands for Vivienne at the office today and stopped on the way back to pick up the morning’s paper. One moment I was standing in line when all of a sudden, I’m paralyzed and all sound blurs together. There, in front of me was a woman clad in a blue plaid dress and shoulder length chestnut hair at the pay counter. Every parcel I had collected that morning for Vivienne spilled out of my arms and scattered on the sidewalk the moment I saw her, believing it was you. I thought you came to New York and were looking for me. The compendium of all emotions known to mankind came rushing through me and all the blood rushed out of my face. Looking back, I’m shocked I didn’t collapse, but I suppose being in a state of rigor kept me upright.
I couldn’t lift my arms, nor bend down to collect the dropped items. Two gentlemen helped gather everything and one tried to offer to bring them back to the office for me. It wasn’t fully registering what he was saying. Hopefully I didn’t dismiss him too rudely. What felt like an eternity had passed and the woman still hadn’t turned around. Standing there, I silently begged for her to spin around, and it’s like she heard me. She pivoted and saw me frozen in a half attempt to gather the remaining few items that tumbled from the bag. She half asked “are you al-…” when someone down the block said, “Virginia, come along we’re going to be late” and then she was gone.
I forgot all about the newspaper, collected the packages and ran all the way back to the office. Finding the first lavatory possible, I shut myself in and crumpled to the floor. With my shoulders racking, uncontrollable sobs burst from what felt like my soul. It sounded like it was coming from somewhere else entirely, certainly not from me. It sounded so haunted. I couldn’t even be sure why I was crying. In part it was genuinely thinking she was you and that proved false. But more so, it was for letting myself desperately want her to be you.
As a surprise to no one, I’m sure, my thoughts were first about what I wanted. Had I considered what your presence meant for your life’s trajectory? You have already sacrificed so much running to join the league and planned on relinquishing so much more last we spoke. I will become a pillar of strength and emanate your resilience to stop me from crumbling. The knowledge that you are safe and well would hold me together for the foreseeable future. But what I wouldn’t give to have you here with me now.
Be stronger than I am my dear,
Greta