Chapter 18
Bucky wants to go crazy.
He sees her every time he walks into a room, but whenever she even remotely meet his gaze she flees- whenever he even touches her she flinches.
He's plagued with the memories too: not being able to sleep at night due to the images flashing in his head. He hates his life.
Even though it's not him and it's actually the Winter Soldier who's done it, he doesn't care. He feels guilty all the same, because even the Winter Soldier loved her, and she was broken.
By him.
But (Y/N) Stark is no longer the sassy, cheerful girl he remembered her to be. In front of others, maybe, but not in front of him. Their conversations would be filled with stuttering and awkward glances, as well as occasional exchanges in remarks. But nothing more. She didn't seem to pry or to try to get a better relationship- no, she was far too broken for that. Her top priority was to stay a safe distance away from him, and do that well.
He's not kidding anybody. He sees it every time (Y/N) makes a move- her smiles are like masks, on just for the show of it and sliding off as easily as changing clothes. Although she has regained some of the sarcasm and the fun he loved, he still knows that some of it is a lie: even her own father thinks she's healing, but she's not. She's just as broken as he is, just another victim of HYDRA left behind.
His eyes follow her as she enters the room: today she's dressed in a white shirt and a black leather jacket over it, as well as jeans. He sees that she always wears long sleeves- probably to hide the scars that he himself inflicted upon her. Every time he thinks of it, bile rises up in his throat and he wants to smash the metal arm to bits and turn back time. He wants to hold her in his arms again, and hear her call him Bucky, and he wants to call her doll again.
It's so damn frustrating that he has to be soft with her now. Soft? With (Y/N) Stark? A year ago he would have laughed out loud and accused them of bluffing. Now all he does is just longingly replay the past, before HYDRA mind wiped him and made him torture her, when she would glance lovingly at him and they would laugh and joke and she would tell him Edgar Allen Poe with her soothing voice.
He misses her- there's no other word for it.
He loves her.
So damn much.
He knows it's for the best when he stays away: he had hurt her, he had broken her heart. But he can't. She's so perfect, and he's so flawed, but also so selfish.
(Y/N) laughs and leans her head on Clint's shoulder as they sit in front of the TV. The archer flicks a piece of popcorn at her and she punches his arm lightly. Bucky feels a pang through his chest.
He can't believe he's jealous- of her, being with a married guy in his forties.
It's irrational- but he can't control it.
He's not used to having uncontrolled emotions.
(Y/N) Stark.
"I love you." He whispers the three words he can't ever say to her, and drops his head.