Clap Twice at our Shrine
He loved waking up like this. Laying on his side, the sun peeking through cracks in the curtains; a strong arm wrapped around his slight frame. Poetic words swam through his head, none of them quite fit the feelings that fluttered through him. Both of their breathing matched the same rhythm and Steve wondered, how long could they stay like this? Hiding in the woods together, not another soul in sight. It was naïve to think that no one would come looking for him eventually. He felt James stir and he closed his eyes tight, wishing to stay right where he was just a little longer. He knew once they were out of bed, there would have to be conversations about what to do; plans would have to be made to keep him safe. Unfortunately, Steve didn’t get much time to savor the feel of the arms around him; there was a quiet snap of twigs coming from outside of the window. Any normal person wouldn’t have thought anything of it, Steve himself barely even registered it but James snapped awake. His arms ripped away from the comfort of Steve’s slight frame, he sat up; clutching a knife that Steve assumed must have come from underneath his pillow. Everything was still for a moment; Steve couldn’t help but laugh lightly in nervousness. With the blanket pooled on his lap, Steve was able to get a good, long look at James’ metal arm, all the pieces of metal fitting together perfectly to work like the perfect weapon. He knew that he should be scared in this moment, but he felt protected.
James pulled his eyes away from the window and looked at Steve with stern eyes.
“Stay here. Don’t leave this room.” He said, his voice low and menacing. Steve suddenly was glad that he wasn’t on the end of a threat from James. He could only nod in affirmation as he watched James quietly slink out of bed. James didn’t take the time to dress, he was only wearing an olive-green pair of sweatpants that hung low on his sculpted hips. He slowly stalked out of the room, careful to not make any noise opening the old wooden door; knife still in his left hand, raised and ready.
He disappeared from the bedroom, through the hall and out into the main living space. Steve strained his ears to try and hear anything coming from outside of the cabin, but he couldn’t. He knew that James would protect him but something inside of him told him that he couldn’t just sit on the side lines if something was about to go down. He snuck out of the bed as silently as he could. Reaching towards the floor for the clothing that James had given him the day before. His mind momentarily went to their evening together in front of the fire and he could still feel the heat of the flames lick his cheeks. He dressed and opened the bedroom door again, as stealthily as he could. He could hear something that sounded like a bit of a struggle go on in the living room, and then suddenly stop.
He peaked through the doorway and looked down the hall, but he couldn’t see anything. The sudden stop of feet shuffling and action from the living room concerned him; was the intruder in the house. Where was James? Finally, he heard voices.
“You couldn’t have just called like a normal person? I could have killed you.” James’ deep voice broke through the deafening silence of the cabin. It sounded like he threw the knife down onto the coffee table beside the couch as he heard a woman laugh. Though he could tell that the laugh was sarcastic from his post behind the bedroom door, it still made him feel some ease.
“You could at least help me up before you berate me, please.” Steve recognized the voice immediately. It was Natasha. He stood taller as he stepped out of the room and went out towards the living room. He saw her shock of red hair first as he watched James pull her up with his flesh hand. While he was happy to see her, James didn’t look so happy. He immediately let go of her hand and crossed his arms. Steve could tell that it wasn’t exactly the response that she was expecting when you arrived at the cabin. She sat down on the couch and finally noticed Steve behind her. She didn’t have much of a reaction to him standing there, she just looked back to James and answered his questioning stare.
“The people who are looking for Steve are going to start their search outside of the city. I met with Steve’s friend, Sam and went to the apartment after they vacated it. They tore the place apart, looking for any sign of where he could be. They went to the bookstore as well, but they left it well enough alone, aside from the office in the back.” She said, so matter of fact that Steve knew to take everything she said seriously. She set down a backpack that she had been wearing, looking back at Steve.
“Sam grabbed what he could, things he figured you needed.” Steve didn’t make his way to the bag immediately. I wanted to be fully present for the conversation. Natasha looked between the two of them, a million questions going unasked.
“I wouldn’t be surprised if Hydra makes their way out here, James.” She said seriously. Steve looked back at James; his face dark and serious. “You can’t just sit here and wait for them to show up.” Natasha finished.
“You sound like you already have a suggestion.” James said quietly.
“I do. Make the first move.” James scoffed and Natasha continued quickly before he could shut her down. “We have the intel. We can gather our sources and find them once and for all, take them out. Move on with our lives.” Natasha had a pleading edge to her voice that Steve picked up on immediately. Something told him that they have had this conversation before. Eradicating Hydra seemed to be the mission that would never end for these two. Steve could feel the tension in the room and a part of him wanted to run away. Go back into the bedroom, in the safety underneath the heavy comforter. He wanted to close his eyes and breathe in the now familiar scent of James all around him. He understood the weight of everything; coming to grips with his past life. He thought he would have more time to try and remember, that he would have countless nights spent with James while he explained their life together that they once had. He wanted to learn more of the little moments between them; when they were alone and could truly be themselves.
He didn’t know what else to do so he did just that. He turned away from the awkward situation in the living room, back down the hall and into James’ room. Got under the comforter and closed his eyes tight; willing his mind to remember his past. Before the Nomad Project, before the War but he could only recall feelings. Colors; not an entire memory. He didn’t know how long he was in bed before he heard the door crack open, quiet as a mouse. There was still silence surrounding him, but he could feel James’ eyes on him.
“Natasha went to check over the perimeter.” James said, his voice deep and even. Although Steve felt overwhelmed in this moment, the sound of James’ deep, rough voice was soothing. He felt his head begin to pick up the pace as James walked farther into the room. Steve’s mind started to race with memories of last night. So close to a kiss but James had pulled away from him, he still didn’t quite understand it. James had told him he was still in love with him, that he had never stopped being in love with him all this time. Yet, he didn’t kiss him. There were some things that Steve just couldn’t understand.
The bed creaked and dipped under the weight of James sitting beside him on the bed. “There is a real possibility of Hydra knowing a way to track you now that they know who you are.” Steve took a deep breath and released it slowly at James’ words. His life had been nothing but confusion and escapes since James had come back into it. He just wanted to rest. James started to speak again about some route out of the mountains that they could take to escape but Steve wasn’t listening anymore. His mind was swimming out and in quickly, too quick for him to focus on one thought. It was maddening and he found that he couldn’t focus on the words that James was saying anymore, nothing made sense. He quickly sat up in bed and looked right at James, interrupting him.
“Why didn’t you kiss me last night?” Steve asked, his voice came out quick and jumbled but it stopped James in his tracks. If the entire situation wasn’t so stressful both would have laughed but instead, they just stared at each other. The lines between Steve’s eyebrows becoming more and more prominent. James stood up off the bed, the creaking of old wood surrounding them in the room.
“Are you serious?” James kept his voice low; he didn’t want Steve to think right off the bat that he was upset; but he was. He didn’t understand where this was coming from. Steve always surprised him, but this felt completely different.
“It’s not like we haven’t kissed before! From everything that you’ve told me it sounds like we used to kiss all the time.” Steve knew even as he was saying it that it was an immature thing to say. James looked furious, like he was just barely keeping it together. Listening to the words coming out of his mouth, Steve would have been furious as well if he had been on the other side of things. There was a part of him, deep down however, that was tired of being everyone’s friend. Of saying the right thing all the time, of being little Steve Rogers, someone that no one took seriously. He wanted James to kiss him and he didn’t care anymore how he went about telling him.
“I’m not going to kiss you right now, Steve.” James said, taking a deep breath through his nose and letting it out slowly before speaking. Steve looked down at his hands and saw that they were holding onto the comforter in tight fists. This morning had started out so quiet and so peaceful and now they were here.
“Why not?” Steve shouted.
“Because there are people out there trying to kill you! Because we aren’t safe. I’m not going to kiss you until I know for sure you’re safe.” James shouted; he hadn’t raised his voice towards Steve like this ever. When they had been younger together their fighting was always playful. This was real, forceful.
“There is always going to be someone after us. Look at who we are, we are never going to be completely safe. Does that mean we have to be miserable and alone forever?” Steve spoke a little more calmly now. Trying to instill a seriousness in his tone but wanting to go back to how they were before they were yelling. It didn’t feel right, fighting with him. James sighed. He didn’t know what to say in response to Steve’s words, he started to turn away and make for the door, but Steve stopped him.
“Bucky, please.” Hearing Steve call him by his nickname shook something inside of James. He closed his eyes and released a heavy breath. He stood there motionless for some time, taking deep breathes in and holding the air in his lungs. It’s not like James didn’t want to kiss him, to bury himself so deep in the comforter that Steve sat in and pretended that the world around them had stopped. It hadn’t and the threat against them was very real. James always thought he was the levelheaded one in this relationship and it turns out that he was right. He opened his eyes and turned to look at Steve, who was still looking at him expectantly. His only thought was to remove himself from the situation, so he walked out of the bedroom and back down the hall; Steve watching him with surprise in his eyes.
Steve didn’t quite know what to do. He didn’t think James would just walk away from him in this moment; he felt a bit stunned. He looked around the room for a while, looking at the color of paint on the walls. The motion of the curtains as the breeze from outside the windows wafted them back and forth. He looked down by the door and saw the bag that Natasha had brought for him of stuff that Sam grabbed from his apartment. He reluctantly got out of bed and picked it up off the ground. He started to pull things out one at a time, setting them down on the bed as he dug through further. The first few things that he pulled out were clothes, t-shirts and pants and a cardigan. Steve was thankful for this, even though he was glad to have the clothes that James had given to him, it was nothing like wearing his own clothing; things that gave him comfort. He then pulled out his journal and he would have shouted Sam’s name with joy if it meant that his best friend could hear him. Instantly, he felt better knowing that he would be able to write out his thoughts and emotions; it was therapeutic for him. There were some toiletries down towards the bottom of the bag and a few more books. He had already read them, but it was the thought that counted, Sam knew what would comfort him in the moment and he came through. It felt good to get back into his own clothes, even though he liked the feel of James’ clothing they hung awkwardly on his body. He felt more like himself again as he pulled the cardigan around his middle.
He stood still and listened for any movement from inside the rest of the cabin. Where had James gone? He knew that he wouldn’t have left the cabin because he understood the danger that they were constantly facing. An idea came to Steve, he remembered the photographs and letters that James had left for him while he was secretly trying to help Steve remember their past. He looked toward the nightstand that was on his side of the bed and sitting there was his copy of Leaves of Grass. All the photographs and letters were stuffed in between the pages to keep them safe. He pulled them out and started looking through until he found the letter that he had been looking for;
Steve,
I’m in Italy now, can you believe that? I haven’t received a letter from you in a few weeks, so I hope everything at home is going okay. I had a dream last night, I don’t know how much I should tell you, but you were in it. We had decided to leave Brooklyn, crazy I know. We built a cabin just big enough for the both of us up North. I know it was just a dream but when I come home, let’s think about it. After the War, it’s you and me until the end.
Yours,
Bucky
The realization hit him so hard that he stopped breathing momentarily. This was the cabin, the one that he had been talking about building after the war. It made his heart hurt to think about it. That even after James thought he had lost everything; he still built this cabin. He walked out of the bedroom towards the main rooms of the house, when he looked around, he saw James standing in the kitchen. The worry and confliction on his face were evident.
“This is the cabin you built for us.” He meant it to come out like a question, but it ended up being a statement. James wasn’t surprised to hear Steve’s voice suddenly, like he had been waiting for him to make the connection. James looked at Steve, his features were even but Steve could see emotion struggling to be held inside through his eyes. He felt the struggle too.
“Why didn’t you say anything?” Steve asked and he could hear the sarcasm in James’ scoff.
“With everything else that’s going on? I didn’t want to scare you.” James was being real, he was being open, but it just wasn’t the right answer for Steve. He curled his fingers into fists and walked into the kitchen until he stood in front of James. James lowered his coffee mug onto the kitchen counter, he wanted to give Steve his full attention, but Steve had such an intense look in his eyes that he found himself glancing down at the floor often; it was safer.
“After all this time, you finally got your wish granted. You found me, alive. Maybe I didn’t remember you at first, but I am starting to piece together the story now. We escape into the mountains, into the cabin that you built for us when you thought I was gone forever and you were just going to let me flit around here like all this just happened to be here. Like this place wasn’t built to accommodate us? Like those bookshelves beside the fireplace weren’t meant for my books? Like you didn’t pick out a firm mattress but plush pillows because you know that’s how I like to sleep? Nooks and crannies all over this place because you know I crave the organized chaos of clutter. I’ve asked you time and again to not be afraid of us and this cabin is…” Steve walked closer to James, pulling the taller man’s line of sight up from the tile on the floor to Steve’s earnest blue eyes. “…this cabin is a shrine to us.”
The wave of emotion that washed over James could only be likened to serenity. This was all that he had wanted since before the war and finally he had proven himself worthy. All those years spent being under Hydra’s fist he had almost lost complete sense of himself. Who was James? Who was Bucky? He was the Winter Soldier and nothing else, just a weapon. Everything he had ever loved had been taken from him. Even after his salvation with S.H.I.E.L.D. and his work with Natasha, he never felt like he was a whole person. He couldn’t completely be himself again because he didn’t have Steve. What had he done to redeem himself? Now he was here, in this cabin with Steve not one footstep away from him. His warm fingers pressing against the stubble on his cheeks.
He tried to recall how it used to feel to kiss Steve, it had been so long he was scared that he would do it wrong. He would be too rough or on the other side of that, what if he was too gentle? Steve was a lot stronger than he looked. He had to remember quickly because Steve was starting to lean in closer to him and he wasn’t going to turn away again. He lifted his right hand, the one of skin and bone and raised it to feel Steve’s hair. It was still as soft as he could remember, thin and silky; the shimmering blonde a contrast to his thick and wild, brown hair that hung in tendrils around his face.
Steve smiled at the gesture, it felt good to finally have his feelings out in the open and understood by the one person who understood him more than anyone; even more than Sam. Their bond transcended time. Steve couldn’t stop the small, bashful smile that curved his lips; he could feel his skin starting to heat up at the thought of kissing James. Steve couldn’t remember the last time he was kissed; this thought penetrated his mind and then wouldn’t leave. It felt silly to have this thought so suddenly but it was there, at the front of his brain. He looked from his fingers that were lovingly touching James’ beard to his lips and up to his eyes. It was all the signal that James needed really, this active closeness was enough to realize that they were finally going to do this, there was no turning back. There was no need for an awkward interruption; they were alone after all their time apart. More than seventy years of agony finally brought them to this moment.
James leaned his head down and hunched his shoulders just a bit while Steve extended his neck and stood up on his tippy toes. Their lips met in an off-center crash, not exactly what either of them expected but all they could do was kiss through it. There was a pause, neither of them moving, their lips resting against each other; just the sound of them breathing through their noses between them. Steve, taking the first opportunity to be bold, wrapped his fingers around the hairs at the base of James’ neck. Once he got the short hairs in his grasp it became a cascade of overflowing emotion, their hearts taking control over their bodies. James started to kiss him back, being a larger man, he started to move Steve towards the counter; thankfully nothing was there to be knocked over. The tempo of their breathing increased, only leading to an incredible heady feeling; like swimming in clouds. James hadn’t felt anything like this in so long, he hadn’t even remembered how heady it could feel. He didn’t want this moment to be over, but he didn’t want to push Steve too quickly either. It was the last thing he wished for in these freeze frame moments. His slightly chapped lips glossing over Steve’s; who’s honestly didn’t feel much better than his. Being on the run didn’t lend much time for moisturizing.
He ran his fingers down the long expanse of Steve’s alabaster neck, rememorizing every dip and curve of his skin. The motion, of course, made Steve pull on James’ hair; fistfuls being pulled made the most intense groan leave James’ throat. Though they did not stop kissing, James felt his cheeks burn red and felt mortified. He thought that such a sound coming from him suddenly would spook Steve, but it only had the opposite effect. It only made him more enthused. One of his hands left the safe tendrils of James’ hair and started at the buttons of James’ shirt; he was stopped in his tracks, however.
“Steve, maybe we shouldn’t just yet.” James wanted to punch himself in the face for even stopping this, again.
“Stop, you already tried to stop this once.” Steve pulled away from James and looked up into his dark eyes. “We’ve waited long enough.” It was the straw that broke the camel’s back. All at once, their lips were all over each other again. James grabbed Steve on either side of his torso and picked him up, setting him down as easily as he could, while preoccupied, onto the counter. Steve was floating on cloud nine, there was nothing else surrounding him but James. He didn’t think there were many things that could make this moment come to an end; unless you were a spritely red head named Natasha.
The moment Natasha burst through the door; James sprung away from him as quickly as he could. He even held his hands up in the air near his face, as if he was already surrendering to Natasha’s questioning. She knew exactly what she had walked into, she didn’t even look the least bit surprised to having found them in a compromising position.
“If you two could stay away from each other for two seconds, some of us are working to save your lives.” Natasha said with the roll of her eyes. “I think I have a plan.” Natasha finished as she walked through the kitchen towards the living room. James looked back at Steve, his blonde hair completely mussed on both sides, his clothing in a ruffled state. James had just the slightest glimpse of Steve’s collarbone as it peaked through the neck of his shirt. He was truly a gorgeous sight to behold. Their breathing was labored, and James wanted nothing more than to tell Natasha to get lost so that they could finish what they started but he understood. He knew that there wouldn’t be much more of this unless they did everything possible to ensure that no one would ever come after Steve again. They had to protect the Nomad first. James took a step away from the kitchen counter and followed Natasha into the living room; leaving Steve alone on the counter.