Deepest Secret Nobody Knows

“You want us to just storm into a Hydra base? The two of us?” James asked, his arms were crossed, and he looked thoroughly unimpressed with Natasha’s explanation of the plan.

“The three of us, Sam agreed to help us.” Natasha said. Steve hopped down from the counter and followed them into the living room. There was a streak of sunlight peeking through the thick curtains across from the couch. All of them were standing, the tension of the situation making the thought of lounging on the couch seem inappropriate.

“You mean the four of us?” He said and everyone grew silent. It was a feeling that he hated, all eyes on him all the time. What he wouldn’t give to just be able to disappear into the walls. Natasha looked like she was about to speak but James stood out in front of her, cutting off whatever nonchalant excuse she was going to give to Steve. His arms were now uncrossed, and he took hold of Steve by the elbows, gentle. A caring touch that would ease most people before hearing bad news.

“This might be a little out of your league.” James said it carefully, but it still stung. He didn’t want to offend Steve, but his slight frame didn’t exactly scream ‘strong super soldier’ from afar. Lines formed between Steve’s eyebrows, he wanted to speak but James continued. “Please. You know this is going to be dangerous. We could use you to help formulate a plan, but we need you to stay behind.” His voice was soft, but his eyes were steel. He knew that James was right, however, he still felt a nagging pull behind his navel that he couldn’t ignore.

“I can’t believe this; you know I can help. You’re just going to leave me here?” Steve was starting to get angry, and he wished he had enough control over his mental capacities to convince himself to calm down. He had just gotten James back into his life, but he also wanted him to stay right where he was. Every day that they spent at the cabin, Steve was afraid that he would blink, and James would be gone. He wanted to climb back into their bed and never come back out. All facets of his mind were at war with each other. Stay, sleep, and hold each other and risk Hydra finding them; or defend themselves. Go in with the advantage, the element of surprise. James took a step closer, ready to pull Steve into a loving embrace, but Steve took a step back. He could see the flash of hurt in his steel eyes.

“I just…I need a minute alone, okay?” Steve said as he continued to back up. He started walking towards the back door in the kitchen. He was suddenly feeling warm in the cabin, like the air was suffocating him. The air outside hit him like a stone wall, the sun was out but it was still shockingly cold out in the woods. He couldn’t go back in, not yet. He wrapped his arms around himself to try and warm up a bit, but it all felt hopeless. Everything about the situation made his stomach hurt. Having to rely on the three of them to save him. All he wanted was to curl up in bed beside James, to delve deeper into their shared past. To create a present and future that was just as rich and fulfilling but he understood that he couldn’t have any of that unless they took care of Hydra.
They would never stop coming after him. It was daunting and scary but there was a shining light at the end of the tunnel and that was James. Bucky. After his was all over, they could finally be together in this sanctuary that was built with him in mind. Surrounded by his drawings and his books, their love could flourish here.

A chilling breeze broke him out of his thoughts, and he started to turn back to the cabin. He could hear James and Natasha talking inside, just the muffled sound of their voices together but no actual words. He understood their perspective and he understood their instinct to protect him and the knowledge that was trapped inside his mind. They wanted to keep him safe, but they also wanted to keep his secrets out of the hands of Hydra. When there was a natural break in the conversation, Steve stepped back into the cabin, meeting both agents back in the living room, their eyes on him. Waiting for him to speak first. With their watchful eyes on him it was hard not to feel nervous; Steve sighed in resignation.

“Okay, you three can go without me. I’ll stay behind like a damsel in distress because- “James was about to interrupt, have a rebuttal for Steve’s self-deprecation but Steve only continued to speak. Not giving James an in on the conversation.

“Because I understand what’s at risk.” Steve said with a sadness. He didn’t like this. “I know what Hydra could do with the information that I have trapped inside my mind. Even if I don’t have access to those memories, Hydra would be able to find a way. It scares me to imagine the things they could do to gain that information.” As he spoke goose pimples rose on his arms. He looked up at James, into his concerned eyes and saw a ghost of a smile. He understood how hard this was, for everyone involved; these kinds of decisions are never made lightly. James looked at Steve with a mix of pride and concern.

“I say we nip this thing in the bud and go for Hydra tomorrow. Sam will be here, and we will want to move on them before they suspect anything.” Natasha said cautiously, almost afraid to break up the moment between the two men. All they could do was nod in agreement.

“Tomorrow then?” Steve asked no one but smiled weakly when James smiled. Natasha rolled her eyes and exited through the back door in the kitchen. Steve didn’t know what she was off to do, recon perhaps? He didn’t care because he was now alone in the living room with James. The cabin was eerily quiet as the two of them assessed each other.

Memories of what they had been doing before they had been interrupted by Natasha came flooding back and Steve was almost embarrassed to say that his mind had taken him to a surprisingly lewd place. He wondered if past Steve, before the mind wipe, had thoughts like this. Almost as if James could read his mind, a smile began to play on his lips as he spoke.

“What are you thinking about?” Steve looked almost scandalized. A blush lifted from the back of his neck onto his pale cheeks. James walked closer to him until they were a mirror of their previous position, Steve pressed against the kitchen counter.

“When this is all over Steve, I promise you, we will not leave this cabin for days.” James said with a sly, suggestive smile that made Steve feel weak in the knees. He couldn’t formulate words properly, he just pushed himself up on his toes and kissed James deeply. He could feel the exhale from James’ nose tickle his face and he wanted to bask in this feeling forever.

James, Natasha, and Sam had been gone for nearly an hour. Sam had arrived the night before and they spent the entire evening planning; coming up with any and every contingency to scenarios that Steve would think of on the fly. The Nomad was the brain and even though he worried about the outcome, he left the execution of their plans in the hands of the muscle. The three of them would approach the Hydra base and sneak inside, ambushing them from within and above, with Sam waiting in the hills that towered above the base. They were professionals and within all their interests to take Hydra down so he knew they would do everything in their power to do so.

It had been an hour, which wasn’t a long time, but Steve was prone to worrying. He couldn’t do anything around the cabin to distract himself from the mission. This wasn’t a time to sit by the fire and read a book, while patiently waiting for them to come back. Best case scenario was that they would get the job done, working through the entire base, and destroying the data that was stored there. Destroying all evidence of The Nomad from their records. Worst case scenario…he didn’t want to think about that. Steve paced around the living room; it was bitterly cold. He didn’t want to start the fire; fire was comforting, and he wanted to feel tense. If he stayed tense, then he would feel ready for anything.

If he stood still, he could hear the wind blowing through the trees, the light rain falling onto the dead leaves on the ground. He never considered himself to be a nervous person. Maybe it was hard to feel anxious when your entire identity had been erased. It was possible that he used to be a nervous person, he just couldn’t recall. In a moment of quiet surrounding the cabin, Steve heard the distinct sound of branches snapping; it broke him out of his thoughts and made every hair on the back of his neck stand up. It sounded as if it had come from the woods out front but that couldn’t be right. Hydra wouldn’t have the audacity to attack from the front, would they? He walked up to the large door and looked through the peep hole to see if anything looked amiss. He couldn’t see anything unusual.

The sound of glass breaking pulled him away from the door as he watched a metal object land on the ground a few feet away from him. A flash bomb, a favorite of Hydra’s. His eyes widened, there was nowhere to go and only seconds to react. This had been Hydra’s plan all along, to catch him alone without the company of his friends. No one was around for miles to save him. For someone as smart as him, the fact that he hadn’t thought of this was eating away at every crevice of his mind.

Another crash from behind him registered in his mind just as the flash went off. He was surrounded by shocking white, even as he closed his eyes against its eruption, there was no escaping it. He tried to stand on his own two feet but there was nothing but light and noise surrounding him. It was suffocating. As he felt rough hands grab him and pull him back up to his feet, he only had one thought crossing his mind over and over. He hoped that his friends would be able to find him. Who knew what Hydra would do with him now that he was back in their hands. Would they erase all of his new memories and turn him into a shell? He tried to focus on everything that had happened in the last few days to keep the bile from rising in his throat as agents dragged him from the house. They threw a blindfold over his eyes and everything around him went black.

***

James had a bad feeling. It was too quiet over at the Hydra base. Not enough ground troops covering the wooded area surrounding it. James knew it was unlike Hydra to leave an operation so open.

“I see a group gathering on the roof. Looks like some kind of briefing is going on. Some snipers on the perimeter but more white coats than guns.” Sam’s static voice came through James’ earpiece. He was up above, blending in through the moving clouds to get a bird’s eye view of what was going on around the base. James shook his head in confusion.

“Something’s not right.” James said quietly but everyone could hear him.

“Head’s up. We’ve got a black van coming in from the south.” Nat’s far away voice broke through. James clocked it right as he heard Nat call it out; a small van coming up on the base. Two people in the front cab, obviously Hydra. The air stood still as the trio watched the passenger and driver step out; guns cocked in their hands as they walked around to the back of the van. They unlocked the back doors and two more officers stepped out, guns and eyes at the ready. They all surveyed the area for a moment, making sure the space was clear before they pushed another man out from the van. Time stood still.

He was blindfolded and his hands were bound but James recognized his loose, blonde hair that flopped over his forehead. How could they have been so stupid? How could he have possibly agreed to leave Steve alone in the cabin? Now they had him. There was an eerie silence over the intercoms and James knew it was because they all realized what was happening at the exact same time. All of them were too stunned to speak. They watched in horror as the soldiers dragged Steve into the base to do god knows what. James was jammed in place, his mind racing a mile a minute but not settling on any one thought.

“James, we should go back to the cabin. Get our bearings, come up with a plan.” Nat said over the headset. He knew she was already coming up with a plan; a solution while he was stuck on the thought of Steve’s lips against his own. On how Hydra was going to try and erase that from Steve’s memory. If they were even able to save him, would Steve still remember him? He heard Sam agree and that he was heading there now. “James?”
He heard Nat try to grab his attention. He understood objectively that Nat was right, they needed a plan. James’ brain was screaming at him, telling him to close off everything around him. To run into that base without a thought and take them all out. Do whatever it takes to get Steve out of there, even if it cost him his life. Maybe he could save Steve before it all went black. “James!”

“I’m here. I’m – I’m on my way.” he said, sparing one last glance at the base, its large metal door closing behind Steve. It’s mechanical lock shifting into place with a note of finality. He turned away and made the trek through the heavy woods back towards the cabin. He didn’t know what he was going to do, he knew emotion was clouding his judgment. He just hoped that Natasha and Sam had a plan in mind.