Tony was lounging on the throne waiting for his appointment to arrive. He’d rather be spoiling his children rotten but sadly Hela had decided she’d rather be the universe’s greatest (and most deadly) aunt rather than queen. It was also because Hela said he looked better on the throne which was both flattering and true so he couldn’t really complain.
So he waited and when the doors to the throne room opened and Coulson arrived with Bruce Banner and someone who Tony vaguely recalled being a mercenary by the name of Deadpool.
“Ah Agent, I see you’ve finally arrived to retrieve the prisoners.”
Coulson looked utterly unimpressed with having to go to another world to pick up Shield agents.
“Yes, if you’ll bring us to the prisoners we’ll get them out of your way. I’m sure you have better things to do than worrying about them.”
Tony jumped off the throne and waved his hand dismissingly as he moved to lead them towards the dungeons.
“Oh please, I’m not worried about them. But I do have better things to do like spoiling my children. Did Thor tell you when he saw you that I’m a mother now? Bet you can’t guess who the dad is of all my adorable babies.”
Deadpool waved his hand in the air excitedly.
“Oh, Oh I know! I mean I would never have been able to guess but luckily randomplotbunny did and so I know all the answers.”
Tony gave him a shocked look.
“I know, the author had the same expression when she saw the comment section. I think it was a lucky guess but that doesn’t matter because that commenter gets the prize.”
Tony looked at Coulson.
“Is he insane?”
“Yes he is but I needed someone along in case things went south and sadly you captured most of the avengers. I would have rather had Logan along.”
“But you didn’t get him because the author wanted a clever way to reveal the winner of her little contest and she knows I can break the forth wall.” Deadpool said as he decided to skip alongside their group.
“Right…so here are the prisoners. Feel free to take them.” Tony said before turning to Bruce. “So Brucie Bear, how do you feel about being married off to Thor and making beautiful green babies with him?”
“Um what?” Bruce asked confused.
“You can’t just marry people off Stark.” Fury protested (likely because he wouldn’t be able to handle the awesomeness that is a half thunder god and half Hulk baby).
“Just wait a moment, let me make my case Brucie. I swear I have real facts that will back up how amazing this idea is.”
Tony poked his head out into the hall.
“Thor!”
The thunder god like an excited and loyal puppy came running. Once he was inside the room with everyone else Tony grabbed his clothing and ripped them off so he was fully displayed for Bruce.
“Well shit, I’m gay now.” Surprisingly it was Clint who spoke first.
“You have a wife.” Fury snapped at him.
Clint looked at the director with a smug look.
“Do I? Do I really?”
“You little son of a bitch.” The director cursed at the archer realizing Clint had gotten free days off for so called family emergencies by managing to fake a wife and kids.
“I can see you make a valid argument.” Bruce said adjusting his glasses while staring at Thor’s impressive package on display for all to see.
“What is happening?” Thor asked Tony.
“I getting you a husband, by the way you’ll be the wife in this relationship.”
Bruce tore his eyes away from Thor to look at Tony.
“Are you telling me and Hulk we don’t get to wear the dress in this relationship?” Not waiting for an answer Bruce moved forward and placed a hand on his shoulder. “I can only be a wife so I guess this can’t work.”
“I’ll be your wife!” Clint yelled at Thor and was hit over the head by Fury and Natasha.
Tony stared at Clint deciding whether or not he should forgive him for all the mean things he said earlier. Then he imagined Clint in a dress and decided yes he should.
“I shall accept you both as my wives. Thank you my queen for finding me suitable wives.”
The others protested as Thor flung both Bruce and Clint over his shoulders and ran off with his the two he’d be making his wives.
“So I’ll just take these guys back?” Coulson asked.
“Yeah go ahead. By the way, how do you feel about babysitting?”
Because Tony knew he’d have to get one eventually, the others had duties to attend to. Plus he thought it would be hilarious to see what title Coulson would get if he was given godhood. Maybe set him up with Hela or Heimdal, he hadn’t decided yet.