Falling Stars

Speaking of the Oscars, Tom and I were attending this year. Just like in London, we decided to hang out prior to the event and also because we would need to do fittings with Law. So far the whole acting like everything is normal is working out for me and it actually feels like I can keep going like this. Just to prove that I’m really chill about this whole situation, I take a snap:

“I can’t take Tom anywhere.” I started recording. “He’s causing a scene.” Casual.  Not trying to hide anything. Taking snaps like old times. Though, I do really hate the new update.

We we’re walking around L.A. to get some lunch with Darnell tagging along. We went back to hanging out in normal daytime and the whole 2 am thing was forgotten. We were laughing and roasting each other as usual. I was falling hard as usual. Though, the beating of my heart no longer scared me like it did before. I was even comforted by it. Maybe it’s because I’ve gotten used to the idea of me liking Tom but mostly, I think I was just grateful that I could feel this way again. You get so used to somebody making you feel happy and feel loved. Then, when they don’t, it just feels like you’ll never find it again. Of course, you will but things are always easier said than done. It’s always different when you’re swimming in your puddle of self-pity.

But here it is again. There’s a reason why people are obsessed with the idea of falling in love or just being in love. There’s a high to it. An actual happiness you can never fathom but pervades in your life that at random times you might just catch yourself smiling at nothing. I told Tom to go for something that made him happy and I should really take some of my advice. I’m just going to let myself feel whatever I feel, he never has to know anyways. Does it matter that we may never go beyond this? This friendship seems enough. I seem happy enough.

“We’re just friends” Tom says to paparazzi. He’s still not used to the attention, I mean, I wouldn’t be either. He swerves through different things on the street, cars, lamp posts, you name it, trying to hide himself from the paparazzi, while Darnell and I just walk through them because we’re used to this shit. But I mean, it also helped that I was stupidly happy.

Tom came over to my house on the day of the Oscars. We were in my room waiting for Law to arrive with our clothes. Darnell was in his room sleeping. Grandmothers need their naps too. It was still early in the day, none of my make-up and hair team were here yet and Tom and I were just lying on my bed with Noon snuggled between us. We were both on our phones, like your stereotypical Millenial, too attached to their technology. I put it down and looked at Tom who was smiling at something on his phone. Probably a meme. Of himself. He abruptly looked at me with that smile and I looked at my phone again. He also looked back on his phone. I was going to say that hanging out together is completely useless if both of us are on our phones. We’re not really present. But I don’t know. I lost my confidence somewhere, maybe in his eyes.

I gnawed on my bottom lip, trying to find the courage to tell him we should put our phones down. I tried to look at him through my peripheral vision and he still had that smile on his face. What was he looking at? If it’s a meme, he better share it. Then, I caught him also giving me a side glance and I looked at my phone again. I scrolled through Twitter, trying to past time.

A message popped on my phone. It was from Tom: “Are we really going to spend today like this?” it read.

I looked at him and said “What the fuck? Why did you send a text?” I laughed at him. “You could say it, you know. We’re literally a Noon a part.” Tom was laughing too now.

“Well. You looked so invested on your phone, you might not notice me!” I shook my head. Stupid boy. You’re all I notice. I put down my phone on my bedside table and asked Tom to do the same.

“There. No phones.”

“No phones.” He repeated as he titled his head so that one small part of our foreheads touched. I froze. He turned a little to his side so he was facing me and I turned my head a little to face him without ever losing the connection of our foreheads. His eyes, dark but deep, stared into mine. I couldn’t breath but I could feel is breath on my skin. His nose was almost touching mine. I just held his gaze, wondering if I would ever be able to breathe again.

“How are you, love?” he whispered.

“Fine.” I replied rigidly. I felt like I was choking. I was running our of air but my heart kept beating faster and faster. I thought I was going to faint. What the fuck, Tom? Don’t you see I already fell for you? What more do you want?

“That’s nice to hear…” his eyes released my gaze and moved down. He was looking at my lips. I couldn’t move. It was like he was hitting a nerve on my forehead preventing me from functioning like a normal human being. I opened my mouth to say something but nothing came out. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.

“H-ho-how about you?” I managed to croak out.

“I’m great.” He replied quickly and his eyes met mine again. A smile crept on his face. I swear I felt a thousand butterflies in my stomach burst from their cocoons, which translated to this wide ass grin that I felt was straining my cheeks. I didn’t know what was happening but I felt like the air in the room had changed like there were little fairies going around sprinkling fairy dust and it felt like I was being lifted off from where I lay on the bed. Like I was flying.

“Z…”

“Yeah?”

“I…uh…”

Ding. The doorbell rang.

“That must be Law…” I whispered never removing my stare at him. “What were you going to say?”

“I, uhm, I need to uh…”

We hadn’t moved from our positions. I kept searching his eyes for answers. You need what? What is this? What are we doing?

“They’re in there…” I heard from outside the hall. It was Darnell directing someone to my room. I took one last look at Tom waiting for him to say something but he didn’t. I sat up even though I know it didn’t matter if it was Law walking into our room and saw us lying there, foreheads touching, because I was kind of annoyed that Tom couldn’t finish his sentence. It’s like that little bubble in the text message again. He’s always trying to say something and I’m always left to guess what it is .

“Heeeeeey you two…” It was Law. He walked in and held up a coat cover while Darnell lagged behind him holding three other coat covers, which contained the clothes Tom and I was were going to wear.

After the usual greetings, “Hey law how you doin’’” and pretending like nothing had happened between Tom and I, we parted. He went downstairs to the guest bedroom to dress-up. It took us over 2 hours to get ready and to pack our next outfit for the after party. The Oscars had already began when I walked down the stairs to greet Tom who was wearing a black tux. It might have been my imagination but it seemed like both of us held our breaths at the exact same moment. He looked so damn good. Jeez, Law. Really? Did you have to make him look so damn fine?

“Y-y-you look…” Tom started. I raised my eyebrow. Don’t tell me you’re not going to finish your sentence again. “Amazing…” his eyes glistened under my chandelier. I looked down, thank God once more that with this skin tone I couldn’t blush.

“You clean up well, too.” I replied, trying to keep my nerves down and the butterflies still just for a few moments so I don’t give myself away. I looked over to Darnell and Law who had proud faces on hopefully because we look good and not because they’re our biggest shippers.

We got into the car and drove up to the Oscars. Tom was quiet for most of the ride and I couldn’t afford to look at him either or start up the conversation because seeing him like this made me nervous all over again. I took a deep breath and cheered myself in my head. You got this Daya. Just say something or else this car ride is going to be weird as fuck and you still have the rest of the night with him! Let’s go! Let’s go!

“You okay?” I looked at Tom for the first time since we got into the car. His face was frozen solid staring into the scenes outside the car window. He looked at my face then scanning down and then back-up to my face. His jaw was swung open but nothing came out.

“Yeah” he choked out after a few second with a high-pitched voice that made me smile. He obviously wasn’t okay. He looked back to the window again.

“Are you nervous?” I asked. He simply swallowed. “You look good, Tom. Don’t worry” I added, trying to comfort him. He was so cute when he was nervous and he wasn’t even hiding it. Most guys would pretend that they’re all manly-man but Tom, he was so soft. He showed you how he felt, no toxic masculinity here, folks.

“Hey…“ calling him out again and he turned to me. “You got this!” A half smile crept up his face and I don’t know where I got the courage from but I held his hand and squeeze it, just for good measure, to let him know that I was here for him…as a friend. Because we’re friends. He looked at our hands holding and I was supposed to do it quickly, a little squeeze and let go but he held back. He intertwined his fingers with mine and lord knows I wasn’t going to be the first one to let go.

“Thanks, Z…”

“Sure!” Now it was my turn to have a high pitch voice.

“You look amazing by the way.”

“I know. You said…back in the house” I gave a weak laugh because here we again with the feelings and the nervousness and he was still holding my hand. Can Darnell see this? Can Law?

“Oh…I did?” Tom asked, and I nodded.

“Oh. Well. Yeah. You just…you do.”

“Thanks.” I smiled.

We pulled up in front of the red carpet and Tom was still holding my hand. I looked down on it and gave it one last squeeze. “You ready?” I asked Tom who was biting his lower lip. He looked at me and squeezed back.

“You’re going to kill it tonight” was his reply.

“So will you…” I said and he shrugged. “You’re paying me a lot of compliments tonight, huh? What’s the catch?” I teased.

“You deserve it” he said before he let go my hand and stepped out to face the flashing lights. I followed suit. Darnell and Law trailing behind well, my trail.

“Y’all are really cheesy…” Darnell commented from behind me. I couldn’t help but smile.

After all the photos had been taken, we walked inside the venue and found our seats. Naturally, Tom and I sat beside each other. Law and Darnell left us and would be back to pick us up later to change into our second outfits. It was one of those rare moments again where I was alone with Tom although, there were thousands of other people in the room…it was different when Darnell or Law wasn’t with us.

A girl with a headset on and a clipboard walked towards our aisle. She whispered something to Tom and he nodded back. She must be part of the production team. I bet it takes a village to host the Oscars.

“Baby…”

That was Tom. Was he talking to me? He must be because the lady wasn’t there anymore.

“What did you say?”

“I said they’re calling me up already to present. I’ll be right back.”

“No…before that?” Tom scrunched up his forehead, looking confused. I was confused. I’m pretty sure I heard what I heard. “You said baby? You called me baby?”

“I…gotta go,” Tom said and he stood up to leave. I looked back on the stage, still confused. I needed to know if this was my head making up things again. I needed to be sure or else I was going to spend the whole night trying to figure it out. I tapped the lady beside me and whispered to her, “Did you hear what he said? Did he say baby?” I think, this is harmless. I’m just trying to clarify something.

The lady was nice enough to answer, “Yeah. He said baby…”

“Oh.”

“First time he called you that, huh?”

“Yeah…” So I wasn’t making it up.

“Pet names are weird in general. I was a little surprised too the first time my boyfriend called me that but you’ll get used to it…” She smiled reassuringly. But I  was the opposite of reassured. My eyes grew wide. Oh shit.

“He’s not my boyfriend” I said quickly. “We’re just friends” I said while trying to fake a laugh to seem casual. I wasn’t panicking. I’m fine.

“Oh…well that’s…complicated.” The lady turned away so it wouldn’t be more awkward than it already was. I couldn’t blame her. It was complicated. I turned to face the stage as well and there was Tom with Gina Rodriguez holding his arm.

Honestly, it wasn’t a big deal. It was a slip of the tongue. I doubt it meant anything else. What I should be asking him about is the whole forehead touching thing and the many times he wanted to say something but never did.

“So how wa—“

“You called me baby.”

Tom came back a few minutes after he presented on stage. His butt hadn’t even touched the chair yet when I blurted it out.He slowly sat down with eyes wide open, mouth wide open. FUCK! Fuck fuck fuck fuck. I can’t believe I just said that! Zendaya, girl!

“Psh. I did not.” He said, never looking at me and he crossed his arms. Might as well go along with it or you’re going to embarrass yourself. Just tease him. Roast him, yeah. You’re good at that. Remember you’re an actress?

“You did! Tom, you called me baby!” I said as I slapped his arm.

“No, I, uh, No I said ‘Hey..Z…’”

“Right…right…” I said sarcastically.

“Maybe you want me to call you baby…”

Oh shit. This boy is good. Do I like him so much that I’m going to allow myself to lose to him? NOPE.

“Uh-huh. Nice comeback, nerd. If you wanna be my boyfriend, all you gotta do is ask!” I rolled my eyes and tried to sass but internally I was panicking. Where is all this confidence coming from, really? Bitch you better shut up before you say something stupid. Tom didn’t reply and it only made my panic meter go higher. I could feel the sweat coming on. Say something, say something, say something!

“Besides, I don’t like being called baby,” I said, trying to fill up that god forsaken awkward silence that we have been getting a lot lately!

“What do you want to be called then?”

“Queen.” Of course, I had that answer prepared being the biggest fan of Beyonce. He chuckled and I laughed with him. That was enough to release the tension that maybe only I was feeling.

We came back to my house to change into our next outfits. I slipped into my dress and walked out of my room. Tom was standing outside wearing his new set of clothes and I saw him catch his breath, jaw swung open. I thought that only happened in movies. I wondered if that’s how I looked whenever I saw him. I wondered if that’s how I looked now looking at him.

“You look incredible…again!” He said as if in disbelief. I giggled.

“Well, Law is outdoing himself tonight for the both of us!” I replied, referring to how he also looked amazing.

“How many times are you going to slay me tonight?” Tom joked.

“Just a couple…” I said softly because all these compliments were creating all these feeling inside of me and I had to bite down my huge smile. He offered his arm and we took the stairs down together. The whole time he was facing me, I was looking down on the steps. One, because I didn’t want to trip, and two because I couldn’t look at him again. I could feel the tension building up in between our heads and if I look at him it might just explode. I’m in the deep end now. There’s no turning back from this.

We spent the rest of the night casually talking to each other with the usual bickers. There was nothing weird in the air. I could breathe again. He never left my side though, it was like he was tied to my hip or something but I didn’t mind of course. When we weaved through the crowd, his hand would find the small of my back. Once, just like it was in London, he had held my hand as we navigated through the maze of people. I wish I could hold that hand because I can, because I want to, just ‘cause.

I realized how more enjoyable these after-partys were with him. I could be myself around him, which meant I could be myself with other people. I was introvert growing up, like it was so bad that my parents even had to ask help from other people on how to bring up a shy child. One day, my dad asked me to sing on stage, just to try it despite my reluctance, I did it. And I loved it. That’s how I felt now. I’ve been to these parties before but having him around brought some sort of confidence. He’s giving me something I never realized I lacked but now, I loved. His presence.

Every now and then we would get separated in the crowds of people and I would look for him. When I did, I always found him staring back like we were each other’s safe base.

“Mom…”

“Yeah?”

“I’m in some deep shit.” It’s been almost a month since the Oscars. Tom and I were still talking like normal, sending snaps to each other like normal, basically nothing has changed. But I swear, that night at the Oscars something did change.

My mom had come over to my house to have some mother-daughter bonding time. She was teaching me how to bake stuff again. She had found this youtube video of Karlie Kloss baking vegan cookies and wanted us to try it out. We were currently on the couch waiting for the timer to go off signaling that our cookies were done when I decided I needed to talk to her about my situation with Tom.

“Watch your language, Daya!”

“I get it from you!” I laughed.

“Okay but what kind of shit are you in?”  she said as she picked up Noon and put him on her lap. Even if I was 21 years old, having my mom around felt like I was six again and everything in the world was much simpler.

“There’s this thing…with Tom… I don’t think I told you but…”

“You like him.”

“Yeah…” Of course she knows. Could I really expect Darnell, the suck-up to my mother, they were basically instant best friends when they first met, to not tell her about my feelings towards Tom?

“Have you told him yet?” She looked me in the eye while still caressing Noon on his back. I felt so stupid for being so occupied with this whole feelings thing. My mom and I used to discuss important things like racism, education, and feminism. Not boys.

I couldn’t help it, though. What I decide to do, to tell him or not to tell him, it’s going to affect how we go on from there. It’s not like I can push him aside if I find out he doesn’t like me back. I still have to work with him for the succeeding Spider-man movies. Unless they kill me like they did Emma Stone.

“No…I don’t know if I should…” I bit the end of my thumbnail.

“Why not?” She pulled my hand down to prevent me from finishing off my whole thumb. Thank god for fake nails.

“I don’t know. Things have been weird lately…UGH! I hate talking about this! It just seems so shallow and girly-girly.” I shoved my face into my pillow.

“Come on now, Daya. It’s fine. We all have days like this. It makes us human. You don’t have to be serious all the time. You can worry about liking a boy. You’re only 21. This is the first time you’re actually acting your age. Most of the time you act like a grandmother!” My mom shook me as she comforted me. I looked up from my pillow to see her smiling at me and she wiggled her eyebrows. I chuckled. “Come on. Tell me about your…feelings…” she poked my side.

“Okay…so…the night of the Oscars…”

“WHAT DID YOU DO?!” Noon got surprised and jumped off. He ran to his bed, finding safety there.

“Nothing! MOM!” My mom was laughing. How was I supposed to open up when she keeps mocking me.

“I’m kidding Z, go on…”

“Okay. I just feel like that night. The night of the Oscars…I don’t know…maybe he likes me back, you know? But I mean, is it enough to tell him that I like him? I’m not even sure if what I felt that night…if you know, it’s just my head messing with me…”

“Why what happened?”

I told my mom everything from the forehead touching to never leaving my side the whole night. Recalling it to my mom, it didn’t seem so special. Now, I was more confused than ever. Everything could just be playful flirting because we were so damn close and I was reading into it too much. I bit my bottom lip after I told my mom everything. She just smiled at me.

“I know, it’s stupid.”

“It’s not stupid.” My mom was still smiling at me weirdly and I couldn’t take it. I shoved my face back into the pillow on the couch.

“So you think he likes you?”

I lifted my head from the pillow and said, “I don’t know! Now that I think about it, I might have misread everything!” My mom pulled my shirt so I would sit up from where I dug my head into the pillows like an ostrich. I felt so stupid. This whole part about liking someone feels stupid. Can’t we fast forward it to the part that I already have a boyfriend? UGH!

“Daya… listen.” She hold my face in both of my hands. “He likes you.”

I looked at her and eyes were becoming dreamy. I think she could tell I wasn’t buying it for one second. You know moms, they tell you want you want to hear and I love her for that, but this time was different. She pulled me into an embrace. Now I really feel like I’m six years old. I could feel the vibrations on her chest as she giggled and then she let me go.

“It could be just that night, you know what I mean? Right now, days after the Oscars nothings changed. We still act like we’re just friends.”

“Because he’s taking cues from you.” My mom said matter-of-factly.

“What?”

“Daya! The whole world isn’t wrong. They see it! He’s got it bad for you even before that night. Why, me and your Dad joke about it all the time. He’s like a little puppy following you around with those big brown eyes.  He told me the first time Tom met you it was instant heart eyes! He couldn’t have fallen faster.”

“Mom, I don’t uu-understand…”

“Zendaya, he has liked you ever since. You know the cliche love at first sight? Pretty sure that’s what happened to the poor boy. I knew it would take you some time to realize it but Darnell is right, you have gone slow!” I was shocked. I couldn’t believe this was coming from my mom. I thought she would be calm and tell me all those wise weird words like love is patient and life finds it way to destiny or something. Anything but this.

“Z. You should tell him. The boy is as deep shit as you. I think even deeper and the only reason he hasn’t acted on it because you never let on that maybe you like him too…He’s been googly eyes for you for so long…Every time you walk in the room, it’s like he only sees you… I couldn’t ask for anyone else to like you the way he does, with so much respect for you and for the people you love. But most of all, he makes you happy.”

There it is again. Happiness. My mom was being serious now. I can’t believe she has noticed for so long, why didn’t I?