Falling Stars

“Shit!”

“What?” Darnell said as he pulled the breaks to a red light that almost sent me flying face-flat on the dashboard. “Did we forget something? Noon. Where’s noon?” he frantically looked around and saw my black Standard Schnauzer at the back seat of the car. Noon lifted his head at the sound of his voice. Darnell put his hand on his chest and let out a sigh of relief, “Okay, good. He’s here.” He looked at me and said, “So what did we forget miss Zendeesha? Your brushes? Because I swear, I remember packing them.”

“Shit. Shit. Shit.” I said, a little softer this time, just under my breath.

“What? What? What?”, Darnell whispered back.

I stared at the red light, unknown to me that my mouth was wide open until Darnell’s hand touched my chin and pushed it up to close it. I shook out off my trance and looked at Darnell’s face. “It’s nothing.” I said, shaking off the idea in my head. This was not possible. THIS was not happening.

“No, it’s NOT nothing. Tell me. Tell me so we can go back for it. Is it your phone? Obviously it’s not your phone because you’ve been smiling at it the whole time. What is it? Your weave?” He pulled my hair teasingly.

“No! My weave is here!” I exclaimed.

“Thought it got SNA-tched! What is it then?” he sassed.

“Nothing. Just go! Green light, hello?” I pointed at the stoplight and he stepped on it. He babbled on about if I left something, it was too late to go back for it now. His voice drowned in my sea of thoughts crashing around like waves on a rock. It was like a storm was coming.

I don’t know if I should tell Darnell. I mean, he’s already like a brother, a mother, a grandmother, all wrapped into one. There’s nothing I could hide from him but I’m not really hiding anything. I’m just not sure. I don’t know if, if what I’m feeling… if it’s something.

I realized that it had grown quiet. I don’t know how long it has been since Darnell stopped talking but then there was a buzz inside the car. I decided to turn on the radio to distract myself. I switched to different stations until I found something I liked. “‘Yonce” played but I couldn’t enjoy it. The thoughts pervaded. Maybe I just needed to go to bed. I was probably just caught in the moment. Tomorrow, I’m sure this will go away. It was just a moment. It’s just been so long since… since… I won’t even say his name. He doesn’t bring back good memories.

We pulled up to my house. The headlights beamed on the garage door as it opened, letting us in. Darnell stopped the car and turned off the engine. I was about to go out when he grabbed my wrist.

“Tell me what’s wrong, sugar.” I looked at him and his caring eyes. I hate that he knows. He reads me so well. I can’t hide this from him. Maybe he will even help me figure it out so I sat back down. He let go of my wrist and I closed the door.

“You’ve been quiet the rest of the ride home, you didn’t even sing to ‘Yonce. You love ‘Yonce. You were smiling one minute and then the next, you gapin’ at the red light like it’s the first time you seen one. What’s wrong?” His wide eyes waited for an answer. His gonna read it in me anyways, I might as well tell him. But what if I feel different in the morning? What if, it was just a glitch in my system? What if tomorrow, what I feel now is gone and this whole situation was blown up for nothing, overly dramatic, almost desperate.

I tell him anyways.

“I think I’m falling for Tom…”

I stared hard into the my darkened garage. TI didn’t want to look at Darnell. The garage door had closed in on us, there was nothing but the dim light casting over the car and the words that had left my mouth. I felt the embarrassment creeping up under my skin and if your girl could blush, she would.

Darnell chuckled.

HE. CHU-CKLED.

Did Darnell just laugh at me? I knew this was stupid. I looked at him with shock, disappointment, and even maybe hurt. Who was I kidding? It WAS stupid. “Stop laughing at me!” I squealed and hit his arm.

“Ouch!” he exclaimed but he laughed harder. “Oh!” he said as he was trying to simmer down his laughter, “Daya!”, still laughing. “O’ course you are!”

—————————————————————————————————————

Where do I begin? I don’t think people ever know when they start liking someone. We all find ourselves, already there, in the middle of all of it. In the middle of all the madness.

Honestly, you have to give me credit. I haven’t liked anyone for so long after my ex-boyfriend and it’s been hard to actually catch feelings for a guy and not for one minute think, “But maybe he’ll find someone better.” THAT’s what happens when you cheat on someone. You leave them with doubt. Even when you’ve left them, that doubt stays. People see me and think I possess so much confidence. They don’t even know, I had to climb through deserts and mountains to get here. No amount of love feels like it could replace the love that betrayed you. Not your mother’s, not your father’s, and not your fans’. You realize that outside blood, maybe no one could love you if that one person you chose to trust, could break it.

That was then. Like I said, deserts and mountains. There is a love that can replace betrayal. Your love. Love for yourself. That is something no one else can take away and it is the one thing you can ask for and it will always be given to you if you choose to. Control. Something that is mine, and mine alone. Maybe in the process, I put walls up so I wouldn’t feel the same hurt ever again but I’m okay now. I put them down because there’s me. I will always have me.

Then he came along.

I’ll be honest, I didn’t think we would get along very well. I was so used to my group of friends who had the same humor and same stories, especially struggles about being black that this boy, Tom, would be the last person on earth I’d catch feelings for. I doubted that a friendship with him could even last. Sure, we could get along on the set while filming, interviews, and other press conferences but outside of that, I didn’t think we would really hit it. I mean, we barely had any scenes together in the film. Even during interviews, we were in separate rooms. We filmed some commercials here and there but never enough to actually develop into something.

But it did. At least, for me. I hadn’t realized how much I enjoyed myself in his company. I kept teasing him and joking around with him that he went under the radar. No walls up, unlike the other guys I had after my ex. I believed so much in the idea that we were two different people that I didn’t see him coming, swinging like Spiderman (haha) to steal hearts since ’95 (haha, again!).

I liked his company and I think he liked mine. We kept inviting each other to hang out like thanksgiving and family gatherings, to my thinking— as friends. I’ve had those before. I had a lot of guys friends that’s why I didn’t think I could…like this one. What made him so special? Is it because he’s Spiderman? I mean, he plays him but he’s not really him. We don’t even have romantic scenes together. I’d understand if I fell for instance, for Zac Efron, lord knows at age 11 I liked him. I think every girl whose ever seen High School Musical has swoon over star-crossed lover Troy Bolton. Yet, it’s him. Tom Holland.

I can’t tell you the exact moment when I fell for him but I can tell you the moment I realized, I was knee-deep into it.

I was flying back home from Australia where I did The Greatest Showman Press Tour. As I waited in the airport, I was snapchatting Tom as usual. We joked with each other relentlessly and even miles apart, I could feel the comfort of his presence as if he were right beside me. I couldn’t stop giggling. He would send stupid things and it would be so easy to drag him.

Then, he sent a manip of us and it looked so real. It was a picture of Tom and me holding hands. Obviously, it wasn’t real but that’s what manips are for, they manipulate pictures to make them seem real.

“I didn’t know we were dating.” His message accompanying the photo said. There were rumors, of course. We’ve gotten so close that other people were starting to notice. It’s part of being a celebrity. We had crushed all speculations on Twitter already but it was still funny to bring it up from time to time. People can be ridiculous. Or so I thought. I played along. I searched for manips I could send back. When I found one, I sent it to him.

“How they actually make us look like we in love???” is what I said. It was a red carpet picture of us where I was smiling up (or down because he’s smaller) at Tom like he was pizza, and everyone knows how much I love pizza. I laughed at how witty I was, and then Tom typed back:

“Uh.. Z..That’s a real picture of us.”

No it’s not…Shit.

My eyes grew big and I scrolled up at the picture I sent and looked it at again. How could I think this was a manip? I was there when this picture happen, duh. That’s me right there in blue. But, the way I was looking at him…Huh. I had to bounce back from this. My pride was something I cherished. I scrambled to type the words:

“I know, that was the point HAHA.” Maybe he’ll get it. With all the rumors and the fake pictures, sending this one was also a joke. Right? They make the fake ones seem so real that he’ll get it. I was being sarcastic. Right?!

I waited for his reply. “Z!” Darnell called. They’re starting to board the airplane. Oh no. I wouldn’t be able to see his reply once I get one. “Wait! Hold up! Just give me a second!” I shouted back to Darnell as he was already walking towards the stewardess, ready to take his ticket and mine. “No Z! We gotta go! I already gave your ticket!” So I ran up to him, looking one last time at my phone.

As I found my seat in the plane, I opened my phone and still no message. Oh no. I don’t know why I was panicking. I mean, there was nothing that I sent that was wrong but why do I feel like I need to retract what I did? I read back through our messages, looking for something I said. I was just teasing. We always did this. What made this time so different? I kept scrolling through our messages, which wasn’t many since snapchat deletes your conversation. I looked at the picture again and finally locked my phone.

I couldn’t sleep on the whole ride back to America. I kept opening and locking my phone until the battery died out. Frustrated, I dropped inside my bag and stared outside the window and put my hand on it. The wind outside was cold or it was the air-conditioning of the plane that made it fog up.

The picture came up again in my head. I think we just look good together but it doesn’t mean anything. Couples in Hollywood always look good together but it doesn’t mean they like like each other. I don’t know why the photo bothered me so much. Maybe the people who were shipping us are getting to me.

You know how when you’re a kid and people tease you for the first time with someone, you kind of develop a crush for them? But after, you realize you really didn’t. If it weren’t for the teasing, you wouldn’t have liked the dude. I think this was what was happening now. It was just a lot of fans putting us together.

Do I really look like I was flirting with him? Was I?

I think I did. It looked like I was flirting with him. I-I didn’t know… Does he? Does he think I’m flirting with him? Am I? Was I? Suddenly, all these question were flowing out and I couldn’t stop them. My eyes were tired but my mind kept going throughout the whole flight. As we got down from the plane, I decided that I was going to push these thoughts aside. Those shippers are getting to me. Tom is just a friend. I need to remember that. I need to believe that.

I slept like a baby that night. The next morning, I found myself calm, no wondering about what Tom meant to me anymore.

You see? I just needed to sleep.

Which was true because my day was packed. I had to hustle. I had several meetings and interviews for The Greatest Showman. I felt like I was becoming myself again. I did so much in one day that I hadn’t had a moment with my phone. I finally got it handed to me by Darnell who had charged it for me. They day had died out and we were driving back home. I forgot that Tom hadn’t replied yet so when I opened my phone, I didn’t think there was anything I needed to brace myself for.

“I miss you”

That’s all it said.

I remember watching cartoons where cupid comes and pulls an arrow and it hits someone right in the chest. Did you ever wonder like I did as child, did that hurt? I mean, it was an arrow?

I can tell you for myself it did hurt. It was a pang to the chest like a big blow that could send me miles backwards out into the backseat of the car I was sitting in. I think there was even a sound. I wonder if Darnell heard it. He didn’t seem to because he just kept driving.

The pain was apparent. Making known it’s presence to me. I thump to the chest and then it sent goosebumps to the other parts of my body. I didn’t know I had been smiling the entire time this was happening. It wasn’t pain, just a really strong feeling. It was the same feeling you get while riding a rollercoaster for the first time. The build up, the second before it all releases and you’re catapulted into swirls and twists and turns. When it’s all over, it leaves you with a tingling feeling. That’s how I felt.

Three words. Three words and it took me on a rollercoaster ride. What did this mean? Why did those words matter? Didn’t we say this to each other before? I actually don’t know but friends say they miss each other, right? I say it to Kamil and he’s a guy. I say it to my guy friends back in Oakland.

Why did it matter now?

“Shit!” I like him. I just know it. No, I FELT it. I felt it not just in my heart but all the way to my gut. How could he possibly type those words and turn me into this big ball of confused?? Three words? I’m going crazy over three words? Maybe it’s because I was caught off guard. It didn’t really connect to the last thing we talked about. You know what I mean?

But I can’t deny that…feeling. “Shit. Shit. Shit.”

“What? What? What?” replied Darnell.

I can’t have feelings for this boy! It’s going to complicate things. What if he doesn’t like me back? Do I want him to like me? Do I REALLY like him? I don’t know how it feels to like someone anymore. It’s been too long. I don’t know if what I’m feeling is actually real. What if what I’m feeling is an effect of having been single for so long? What if it’s not?

I told Darnell off. I can’t tell him yet, not when I’m not sure of what THIS is. I spent the rest of the ride home trying to figure it out, sort through these emotions. I realized, I hadn’t replied back. What do I say? I miss you too is what you say. Nothing implied. Just reciprocation. It’s so weird. Ever since that pang in the chest I feel like everyone can notice my actions, being a celebrity you would think I would get used to being under the microscope but this was different. These feelings weren’t here seconds before. Maybe they were but I never gave them notice but now, acknowledging them, I wonder how much I’ve given myself away already.

“Tell me what’s wrong, sugar.” Darnell’s voice penetrated through my thoughts. I needed to tell him. Even if it’s a feeling now, at least I would have someone to figure it out with me. He might even tell me this, THIS feeling, is fleeting. It will be gone the next day. There was nothing to worry about.

“O’ course you are!”

“What?!” I said, exasperated.

“Girl, please. Did you just figure that out now?” Darnell kept laughing. My face was frozen in a state of shock.

“For real?!”

“…”

“Z, girl, I thought you’d be faster than that”, he said as he shook his head. “Sitting here, inhaling all this carbon-whatever, all for what? You realizing you like Thomas? Nuh-uh. Let’s get inside the house.” He went and grabbed Noon from the back and went inside the house. I was still in shock.

What did he mean “Of course?” I was THAT obvious? I ran after him and caught him in the kitchen releasing Noon from his grasps and my little son went and ran to his bed. Good thing dogs didn’t have things like this to worry about. Why do I? There were so many problems around the world and yet this is currently occupying all of my brain facilities.

“What do you mean, ‘of course’?” I shouted at Darnell.

“I mean, he’s your type.” He said calmly as he walked through the house.

“W-wha-I, I..don’t have a type.”

“Yeah you do.”

“Who else knows?”

“That you like Tom?”

I nodded. “Am I that obvious?”

“Not to him, I guess…. I mean, your fans noticed it! HA!” he laughed.

“That’s different. They always put me together with somebody! Remember Val? And he was like what? Years older than me!” I whined.

Darnell was still laughing. “True. That was weird, right, like you have to admit it.”

“Yeah he’s my big brother!”

“I miss you dancing like that Z, let’s go ballroom dancing one time”

“Darnell!” I said exasperated.

“What!?”

“Do people know?”

“Yeah. Law noticed and you know me and your mom is tight so we talk about it all the time. She likes him though, don’t worry. Your dad knows it too, which surprised me because usually Papa Coleman be the last one to know but I maybe someone told him. I’m guessing Izzy or—“ Darnell kept talking until he reached his room.

“WAIT! HOLD UP!” I stopped on the stairs, trying to take it all in. I couldn’t grasp the situation. How long had I been this obvious? How long have I actually liked him? “Everybody knows?!”

“No not a lot! We were all just conspiring behind your back. Z, we’re your family, we know you better than anyone, so we see it. He’s good guy though. I think we all think so, so it’s fine if you like him. Honestly, I was hurt you didn’t tell but seriously? You just figured it out NOW?”

“I-I don’t know?!”

“Zendeesha, Zendeesha, Zendeesha. We should go to bed you still have more press conferences tomorrow. We have fitting too with Law, you can ask him about Tom too if you like!” Darnell chuckled and was heading to his room.

“Wait! Darnell!”

“Z. We can talk about your love life tomorrow morning. It can wait, go to bed.” And Darnell the mom has come out. I head on to my room and got ready for bed. I can’t believe my family noticed! Does Tom know? I mean, if my Dad could take a hint couldn’t he?

I still haven’t replied to his message and I stared at it again. The little thump in my chest came back. I put my hand on top of my chest and felt it beating fast. I sighed. If I really did like Tom, what is this gonna mean for us? What if he doesn’t feel the same way? And, another relationship? Haven’t I learned my lesson before? It’s hard to keep one under the pressures of fame and I don’t like people poking around my relationships. Everything seemed complicated and impossible all of a sudden. Could I actually make this work IF he does like me? See? First step. What if he doesn’t? Then I ruin a good ass friendship and I still have to act with him for the next Spiderman Homecoming.

“I miss you, too” I replied and dove into my bed, face first.