Introduction
Autumn was creeping around the corner; the temperature had dropped, and the warm breezes were starting to turn cold. The sky was a velvet dark blue with gold streaks. Beautiful sunset. Regulus never liked the sun, maybe because bad moments were associated with it—sun season always puts him in a bad mood and cranky, and his mother's screams grew louder than they did during winter. So, he's okay with the cold, for as long as he knows it doesn't bite. It makes him feel lonely, if anything. But it's a feeling he has known his whole life—one that stays—so he's not mad about it. In fact, he welcomes it with open arms. He also gets sad, but that's the case for all the seasons, so.
He sighs, wallowing a bit in his feelings. The soft, green, crocheted jumper Pandora had gifted him on his sixteenth teen birthday wasn't doing much as he walked to the Owlery, it hung loosely on his body and the neckline of the shirt got wider after every use. It also had a good number of holes in it, but they went unnoticed to the oblivious eye—which meant that nobody ever saw them—so he keeps on wearing it. It's his favourite piece of clothing. When Pandora gave it to him, he wept. It was embarrassing, and he doesn't think about crying in front of someone else ever again. Even though Pandora told him that crying over it made her feel loved (question mark, because what the fuck?). Regulus inferred she said it, so his tears had purpose, and he wouldn't feel that bad about crying in front of her. Deep in his heart, a part of him believes that he made Pandora feel loved. That part is quite alright with him weeping in front of her.
Regulus looked up to the sky, and at that moment, realized that summer had faded away too fast. He's starting to think that spending too much time in Grimmauld had been the root of his problems. Back then, summer didn't seem to have an end. Now that he's out he feels like a weight has lifted from his shoulders, he feels lighter. Is this how normal people feel? Do normal people feel this light? Are they able to enjoy life without darkness following them during summer? Without being scared they'll be judged by their mother? He's starting to think it is possible. He's glad to have run away at two in the morning with nothing in his hands, just a feeling of release.
"You are a disgrace to our bloodline, Regulus!" was what Walburga had said when she found Regulus in the bathroom, his hair all over the place. He cut it out of impulse. She had raised her voice so much, the walls almost fell down. "If you want to be a boy, so be it—but not under this house, not in this family. Not under our name."
"Mother I—"
"Don't talk to me."
"But—"
Regulus had then felt the cold impact of Walburga's palm on his cheek. Afterwards, she had told him that punishing him would be worthless—that it would mean that he was deserving of something, and he deserved nothing. So, Regulus decided to leave that night.
It could have been worse, though. So much worse.
He remembers that day, it had been raining, and since it was summer, Regulus hadn't planned for it—his clothes had got soaked and so had his socks, which had been quite upsetting. Effie didn't seem to mind that Regulus had wet half her carpet, she was more concerned about Regulus' health.
When Sirius went downstairs and saw his little brother, the first thing he did was hug him. He didn't even care about getting his clothes soaked. Sirius cried, but Regulus didn't. He was too ashamed of himself for running away, too weak.
Effie, Monty, and James' eyes were on them, and Regulus guessed they did a good job. Sirius wasn't a crier. Back when they were young, Regulus was the one who cried an awful lot. But Sirius had always been brave. Seeing his big brother cry had torn down the walls of what he thought was weakness a little.
"Oh, you fucking prick," was the only thing Sirius said, through tears. Smiling. Brighter than Regulus had ever seen. "I thought I had lost you."
The rest of the summer was spent in the air, flying with Sirius mostly. Sometimes James joined, sometimes he didn't. Not that he minded, not that he cared—well, at least he tried to. Because he did care about James Potter. They spent the whole summer stealing glances at breakfast, and brushing pinkies at dinner—perhaps a kiss or two at night, when the lights were out. He remembers how it started, their first kiss. He prefers not to think about that.
Merlin, Regulus Black is an asshole, isn't he? Falling in love with his brother’s best friend… What the fuck was he thinking?
"Looking lovely today, are we?"
The voice takes him off guard. He stands up straight, hand on the wall next to him, after almost slipping. He turns around.
"You almost make me fucking fall," Regulus hisses. Trying to ignore the fact that his face felt as if it was flushed. He's pale and very prone to getting red as a tomato.
James, who's a few steps behind him, laughs, with his hands deep into his pockets; golden light shining on his face. "Aren't you so sweet?"
Merlin, he looks magical.
Regulus narrows his eyes. When James looks at him, it's like he swoons.
"Thankfully, I'm not," he responds.
James keeps on following him to the owlery, much to Regulus dismay, "You alright?"
"I'm fine." Regulus tugs down the sleeves of his jumper to his fists as he reaches the top of the owlery. "Why are you here?"
"Uhm…" James' cheeks go red as he catches up with Regulus. "I actually saw you coming here, so I thought I should—you know, talk with you. What are you doing here?"
Regulus shrugs. "I don't have to tell you anything."
James clicks his tongue, looking around. "Yeah, alright. Fair."
Regulus looks around the place. There are no sights of the family owls. He's so stupid. His mother used to send him a letter before the first day of class, he doesn't know why he was expecting one now that he's out of the house. What would it say, anyway? That she's proud of him? Regulus almost laughs at the thought.
"You're frowning," James points out suddenly.
"Oi! I am not!"
"Yeah, now you're just pouting."
Regulus rolls his eyes, "I hate you."
"Keep repeating that to yourself, love. You may start believing in it."
Regulus bites the inside of his cheeks and gently shoves James to his side. It takes less than one second before Regulus is laughing. Like, actually laughing. He tries to muffle it by putting his hand over his mouth. It's a feeling that bubbles on his chest and makes the butterflies in his stomach all fluttery and restless. He's just… strangely positive now. Not happy, just… enough to not be clouded by bad thoughts and feelings. Before he knows it, he's being held by the waist by James Potter, faces too close. He can feel James breathing. He can hear his heartbeat, too. This is all making him lose his mind. He's losing his mind—fuck. Worst of all, he can't stop smiling. So, they're just standing; James is too close to all Regulus is.
For Salazar's sake, someone needs to lock him up.
Regulus is avoiding making eye contact with James, head a tilted down as he full on fucking giggles.
"Is this okay?" James asks, smiling like always, when Regulus looks up.
"Yes," he responds. And it's all it takes for James to kiss him, hands still on his hips. Regulus places both hands on either side of James' face and tilts his head slightly to deepen the kiss. He knows this isn't a dream because James feels real. His touch feels real, it makes him feel real. Soon, they both pull apart.
James drops his hands to his sides. "If we're going to kiss every time you're mad, I might as well make you angry more often."
Regulus takes a step back, his index finger now on top of James, chest, "Don't you dare."
James presses a quick kiss to his lips. "Let's go back to the castle, yeah? It's getting a bit cold out here."
To the castle, they walk back in silence, just in each other's presence.
"James," he calls when they're just a few minutes away from the entrance.
"Yes?" James looks at him as Regulus doesn't dare to meet his gaze.
"Can we—can we keep this in private?" He tugs down his jumper to his fists again. "The like, kissing, and stuff."
"Oh, yeah, alright." James' smile doesn't falter. "I—yeah. It's alright, Reg. I get it."
"Hm, okay."
But it's not only that. Regulus is worrying. It's not only the James thing he cares about, he's also worried about him being… him. As far as people know, they thought she was a girl. And he knows that the news about him being a boy has spread fast. In the train, all of them were giving him weird looks. Some people, though, looked at him as they admired him.
Today, he had the luck to haven't needed to interact with people. It wasn’t easy, since there had been a prank in the Hufflepuff dorms and first day classes were cancelled, so the hallways were crowded. Somehow, he managed to reach the owlery without anyone seeing him—well, except James. But tomorrow he starts his penultimate year at Hogwarts, and he's going to face people.
"You sure you're okay?"
Regulus nods. "Just thinking."
And, as if James read his mind. "You're going to do fine this year, and the next one, too. You've got the most amazing people who support you, yeah?"
Regulus breathes out as they step into the castle, because James is right. He's got the best supportive system ever. Pandora, Dorcas, Barty, Evan, Sirius, James. And, as far as he knows, Sirius' friends also aren't transphobic or homophobic assholes. Sirius made it clear when he said he could come to any of them if people were being disrespectful.
He's going to do just fine this year.