Chapter 1
Ryujin and Chaeryeong had been friends for more than a decade. From being dubbed as rivals back in high school because of their academic rankings and polar opposite personalities to eventually being close friends in college. Their affinity to performing arts and being perfectionists naturally brought them close, seeking each other’s constructive criticism because who better knew you than your rival, right? Right. And like any other long-time friendship, they have seen each other’s nastiest and ugliest side even if they don’t want to. They’ve been to each other’s family funerals, celebrations, and have been invited to family gatherings a couple of times. They’ve seen each other drunk, passed out and even puking their guts out. But also, they’d seen each other spiraling down, broken and lost, yet they were there when they picked themselves up, and had celebrated the tiniest of victory the other had achieved. They were present in each other’s lives, needless to say, even though they hadn’t planned it to be that way. But yes, their friendship dates back longer than anybody else within the circle of friends they have right now. Often they’re asked what it’s like to have a friendship that long or what it’s like to have someone constant in your life and most times they’d just make a face and whine about how they just got stuck with the other, laughing it off.
And so, speaking of being stuck with each other with no choice, sometimes it has an upside and downside. For Ryujin, the downside is being Chaeryeong’s sole audience as she lulls her yet another broken heart with lots of alcohol at their favorite bar until the wee hours of night. In reality, she has the option to say no and not cancel her plans whenever she calls, but she can’t. Not when at the other end of the line is a drunk, crying mess, and blabbering girl with the sound of guys hollering in the background. She’s usually up to her feet before Chaeryeong can even utter her line, one that Ryujin had already memorized, “We broke up.”
So, yes. Ryujin’s on her way to the bar, to be Chaeryeong’s audience and company aside from the alcohol, probably for the 8th time now, in the span of only 3 months. She could only sigh as she clamored her way through the crowd of busy people in the streets.
When she arrives, she immediately spots Chaeryeong, with her face resting on her arms at the table. She can already see how she’s a mess, with her face tear-stricken, and her ears already a pulsating bright red. In front of her, a total of 5 empty bottles were already lined up, along with the 6 empty shot glasses. It made Ryujin groan in annoyance and frustration. She was pretty sure it was going to be a long night of listening to her rambling.
As if like clockwork, Chaeryeong immediately turned to her, as if feeling her presence before she could even drop her stuff at the spot beside her. “You’re here,” Chaeryeong greeted brightly though her puffy eyes were red from crying.
Ryujin sighs at the sight and nods in defeat at her friend. At that, Chaeryeong instantly broke down again, tears started falling way too fast from her eyes, blurring her vision and causing her to start having hiccups. Ryujin’s hands immediately cup her face, trying to wipe the tears endlessly falling, and cooing like her friend is a kid. Usually it works but somehow this time it doesn’t. Chaeryeong instead launched herself into her arms. Ryujin froze for a few seconds before surrendering and circling her arms to the crying girl. She sighs inwardly. She thought she was supposed to be used to this sight by now, having witnessed Chaeryeong cry a lot of times, especially by the same girl, but somehow at the same time she wasn’t.
“What is it this time?” She asked quietly, running her hands through her hair softly, just as her crying slowed down. “What’s the reason this time?”
Chaeryeong felt her insides turn cold at the sound of her voice filling her ears, and realization sinked in that she was hugging Ryujin, of all people. She immediately pulls away to look at her, and meets her eyes. The alcohol she drank immediately drained out of her system, right at the sight of Ryujin looking at her worriedly and with full concern. Her heart pounded hard against her chest and her thoughts betrayed her. It kept screaming confess, in sync with her heart beating obnoxiously. She shook her head, for the first time, never wanting to disclose the reason her and Lia broke up. “It’s nothing. It’s something petty like always,” she muttered instead before looking away and signaling the bar tender for a refill.
Ryujin was at a loss. She had prepared herself to listen to a night of rambling and whining, but suddenly Chaeryeong wasn’t talking and spilling her whines? She huffed but figured she’s not yet ready to share, which is a first, but accepted it. “Okay, seriously what happened?” She asked again after drinking the shot of liquor handed over to her. It burned in her throat.
Chaeryeong chugged hers easily, and chuckled at the sight of Ryujin wincing at the burning sensation of alcohol against her throat. Between the two of them, it’s pretty obvious who drinks a lot and not. Still chuckling, she grins up to Ryujin, shaking her head at the question. “Nothing, it’s the usual petty reaso—“
“Oh come on, you can’t absolutely make me believe it’s a petty reason,” Ryujin cuts to her, and adds, “you’re not one to argue with something petty, Chaer.” And that hit Chaeryeong hard, making her realize how much she knows her. But what could she do? She wouldn’t, not ever acknowledge her feelings by voicing them out. “So, what is it?” Ryujin asks once more, squinting her eyes at her.
She snorts, adamant not to give in. Over her dead alcohol filled body. “It’s nothing, Ryu. Stop being annoying,” she said lightly with an easy smile, rolling her eyes too. Ryujin reached out and flicked her forehead. “Aw!”
“Liar,” Ryujin muttered, her frustration easily showing. She’s easily frustrated, but most especially when it comes to Chaeryeong’s shenanigans.
“I’m not! It’s really just a petty reason—“
“Oh sure. Then let’s see…” Ryujin crosses her arms, and gives her a look, “you’d definitely get back with her again tomorrow morning, right?”
“Nah, don’t answer that. I’m pretty sure the answer is yes,” Ryujin continued, her frustration now on full display. “Honestly, I don’t even know why you even bothered dating her?” Chaeryeong gave her a warning look but Ryujin dismissed it. She has been bottling her frustration over her dating shenanigans and her annoyance with their on and off relationship that has been going on for the last year, so she reckons it’s better to air it out now.
“What did you even see in her?” Ryujin asked, in all seriousness, and Chaeryeong’s eyes widened, surprised at the question. Her and Lia are decently close and she’s not sure where all this is coming from.
“She cheated on you, didn’t she?” She went on and Chaeryeong winced at that. It’s true, but Lia had made up for it for the last couple of years.
“I get it, you love her. But honestly Chaer, right now? It’s the 8th time you’ve called me to tell me you two had broken up. Don’t you think that’s too much already? Don’t you think it’s time to break up for good?”
Chaeryeong’s face probably painted a lot of emotions, from surprise, confusion and what the fuck. “I—“ she pauses to scoff. “I have no idea where all this is coming from, Ryu. I thought you liked her?”
Ryujin rolled her eyes. “I do—did. She’s an okay person, we get along well. But Chaer, you’re not stupid. Hell, you’re probably the smartest person in this room, but even you, you got to admit, you can do better than someone that cheats, than someone that breaks up with you every other business day as if you were the one who cheated—“ a resounding sound of a cheek being slapped echoed despite the noise of the bar. Ryujin’s hand immediately flew to her cheek, and a look of horror flashed in her eyes at the sight of Chaeryeong’s already puffy eyes from earlier crying, starting to tear up again.
“That’s too much, Ryu…” Chaeryeong whimpered, fighting the urge of her tears to fall. “I don’t give unsolicited advice about your dating life—“
“I’m just telling the truth!” Ryujin breathed out, frustrated at her.
“And I know it, alright? You don’t have to be another person to tell me that. Out of all people…” Chaeryeong falters, disappointed. What did she even expect? That Ryujin would understand without knowing the full story? The whole reason? She supposed not but she hoped her friend would be smart enough to figure it out, but she thought not. She looks at Ryujin, disappointed but now more to herself. She knew it was her fault.
“Sorry,” she mutters, “let’s call it a night—“
“Already?” Chaeryeong nodded, and called for the bill. Ryujin’s frustration doubled, if possible. She admits she’s somehow in the wrong for whatever it is, but she cannot fathom what got her packing. This was not the Chaeryeong she knew, her friend would stand her ground and fight her off. That’s how they are. So, it frustrated her even more that Chaeryeong’s keen on leaving.
After paying off the bill, she hurriedly exits the bar, not even bothering to wait for Ryujin, just as the tears she’s holding back fall down. “Damn it,” she curses under her breath. She hates Ryujin right now, but she hates herself more. Her mind was roaring loudly with voices countering each other and her heart wasn’t helping the least because of how erratic it had been beating. The alcohol she had wasn’t helping either. On the contrary, it was making things worse by each passing second, that’s why she needed to get away from Ryujin or she knew she’d end up doing something stupid.
She knew Ryujin followed her, it was evident by the sound of her footsteps trying to catch up to her. “Okay, hold up,” Ryujin finally called out to her, just right at the intersection she was about to cross which turned red, making her groan.
Ryujin jogged towards her, grabbing her arm and yanking her to face her. She ran her eyes to her face, trying to read her friend. She knows her but tonight she seems like a different person. “What the hell is wrong with you?” She blurted out, her brows knitted in a furrow of confusion, frustration and worry. “Where’s the Chaeryeong I know?” She added.
Chaeryeong removed her hand holding her arm and stepped away from her. She needed to breathe, that’s why, and Ryujin holding and looking at her like that wasn’t exactly helping. She cleared her throat, and answered, “Nothing’s wrong, Ryu. So let it go—“
“No, something’s clearly wrong,” Ryujin firmly stated and Chaeryeong couldn’t help but scoff.
“Okay, since you’re so adamant that there is, pray tell then, Ryu. What’s wrong with me?” She countered, challenging her, but in reality, she wasn’t ready for what Ryujin could possibly answer. How well does she know her? Was it enough for her to figure out the reason? Ryujin searched her eyes, and felt her gaze run over her face and her entirety. She felt her soul leave her body when their eyes locked and she wondered if the countdown at the stoplight would count down faster so she could walk away before she spilled her guts.
“I don’t know…” Ryujin mutters in defeat. She couldn’t figure it out, she couldn’t put a finger on what was wrong with Chaeryeong. She knows something is up, but she can’t exactly tell what.
“Figures,” Chaeryeong says tightly and, as if on cue, the stoplight turns green, signaling it’s safe to cross the intersection. Walking as fast as she could, she knew Ryujin would still be following her and one quick look over proved her right. But this time she was certain to get away from her, from that moment and just go home. Tomorrow she’ll wake up, get back with Lia, and whatever this night was, she can shove it at the back of her mind.
Or not, because Ryujin seemed to have other plans. She felt her friend’s hand grasp her arm once more, yanking her again to face her just as they crossed the intersection. She groaned loudly, frustrated, “what now, Ryu? I told you it’s nothing, so let me go!”
Ryujin let her go immediately after her outburst. “Thank you,” Chaeryeong said, distancing herself. “Now, go home, Ryu. Thank you for tonight and I’m sorry—“
“Was it because of what I said?” Ryujin asked, running out of ideas about trying to figure out why Chaeryeong’s being the way she is right now. “If I crossed the line, I’m sorry. I got frustrated, Chaer. I’m sorry,” she apologized sincerely.
“Stop, Ryu. Don’t apologize, please.”
“But—“
“Just stop, please!”
“Come on, Chaer. I have no idea why you’re acting strangely tonight. I know something’s up. I know you for god’s sake. But I guess not enough to know what the hell is up,” Ryujin exhales exasperatedly, running her hand through her hair, a habit that guarantees anyone that knows her, that she’s beyond frustrated. She sighed once more, and tried meeting Chaeryeong’s eyes that were avoiding hers, “and if it’s because of what I said, I’m sorry. I really am. I wouldn’t say I don’t mean it because I do, but I’m sorry for saying it out of the line and because I’m frustrated—“
“Stop it. Please…” Chaeryeong pleaded, and it was the first time ever that Ryujin heard her plead. It made her stop, completely and at a loss for words. She searched her friend’s eyes and she was once again on the verge of crying.
Chaeryeong felt defeated. Her mind was going crazy and her entire being felt just way too heavy. She kept on reasoning it was because of the drinks she had but she knew she was just lying to convince herself. She knew better. She knew the reason why. She sighed, and said lowly, “Just stop it, okay? Just drop it, hmm?” She was pleading, begging her to drop it because it was getting unbearable each passing second and she knew one more and it was the end. So she was asking for Ryujin to drop it, for her sake.
“But—“
“God damn it, Ryujin!” Chaeryeong yelled, her eyes getting blurry with tears. She wondered just how many times she would cry tonight? “Why can’t you let this go, Ryu?” She whimpered.
“For once, why can’t you let this slide?”
“If I let this one slide, then it becomes a habit and we’re not like that. We don’t do that, Chaer. We’re the most brutal to each other. No secrets. No false pretense. No bullshit. Just honesty. That’s how our friendship is, remember? So I can’t, won’t, let this slide,” Ryujin answered truthfully and it pained Chaeryeong because she knew she would answer that. She shakes her head, finding it hard to believe that this is how things would go. She then chuckled, albeit hollow, and with their eyes still locked on each other, she smiled, sadly, and took a deep breath before saying, “if I say this will you hear me? Because I know you, you’d argue and counter me. So, I’m asking, Ryu. If I say this, will you listen?”
Ryujin’s brow furrows into confusion, but nodded. She had to give it to her for asking, so she had to keep her word of listening. “Good,” Chaeryeong answered. “Because I need to say this, and I probably had been dying to get this off my chest, Ryu, for the longest time now…” she added, and let it hang in the air for a few seconds.
Chaeryeong just looked at her, with her words hanging loose in the air, she savored looking at Ryujin. She looks the prettiest with her messy short hair, and her newly pierced eyebrows. She looks dashing. She wiped her tears to see her clearly and it made her chuckle. She cannot believe she’s admitting defeat, surrendering to these feelings she had long argued to be untrue. Because just how cliché it is to fall in love with your friend? To your best friend? In all honesty, she doesn’t even know at what time she fell in love with Ryujin or when or where. She had no idea and probably would’ve remained clueless if not for the constant argument Lia and her were having. The thought of her being in love with Ryujin was so foreign that she couldn’t even fathom it, at all. They were friends, right? And for the longest time that’s just how they are—friends.
“Chaer?” Ryujin calls out, breaking her trance, and Chaeryeong just smiled at her before saying, “Do you really want to know the reason why we keep breaking up, Ryu?”
“Well, even if you don’t want to know, I’d tell you now,” Chaeryeong said. She took one step closer to Ryujin and boldly reached out to cup her face, the same way she did earlier to her. Her heart wasn’t doing her a favor by beating too loudly, nor was her insides churning nonstop. But she dismissed all of it. She’s agreed to tell her, and there’s no turning back now. She doesn’t know what Ryujin’s reaction will be, but she knew she had to prepare for the worst. She inhales deeply and rested her forehead against hers. “Before I tell you, give me 5 seconds with this.”
Ryujin was confused as hell, but she figured she needed this so she nodded. She could hear Chaeryeong counting down the seconds and exactly pulling away completely after what she asked for. “Thank you,” she heard her say and she was wondering why that thank you felt like a goodbye, but shrugged it off.
“I don’t really know how to start this,” Chaeryeong laughs softly, before taking a deep breath. “But I guess, here goes nothing…” she mutters more to herself than to Ryujin.
“The reason was you,” Chaeryeong simply stated, but inside she was at war with herself. “Every single fight we had, every break up was because of you, at least this last year,” she added.
“Me? But? What, why me?”
“Funny enough, I asked the same to Juls, Ryu. Out of all the people we should be arguing about, why does it have to be you? But do you know what she said?” Ryujin shook her head no and Chaeryeong took a deep shaky breath before answering. “She said it because I’m in love with you—“
“You’re what?”
“Sssh. You agreed to listen, Ryu,” Chaeryeong reminded her, which made her shut up. “Sorry, okay. Go on, I’ll listen.”
Chaeryeong smiled and took her time to try to arrange her thoughts, but she still didn’t know where to start. She looked over at Ryujin, who was waiting for her patiently despite her eyes brimming with questions. She chuckles to herself. Questions. What a funny thing because that’s still all that she has, lots of questions with few answers. “Ryu…” she softly calls and it was immediately drowned by the wind that blew, carrying the sound of the cars passing by.
“Ryu, I have so much to say to you. I have a lot to say but I don’t think one would even make sense,” Chaeryeong started. “You’re my best friend, my accomplice even, and the idea that I’m in love with you felt so taboo, so foreign. Because not once did it ever cross my mind—“
“Until Lia—“
“Yes, until Lia—Juls,” she nodded but gave her a look because she wanted her to just listen. “You see, Juls, she’s genuine, Ryu. I love her without a doubt, but the arguments we were having then started getting frequent and getting pettier each time. And you’re right, I don’t argue with something that’s petty, but it turns out it wasn’t petty at all.” Ryujin raised her brow at her statement, Chaeryeong smiled. “Because anything that’s connected with you is not petty. Anything about you is something big, something I would not back off easily. So, you can guess what happened. We ended up fighting more and more and breaking up, a lot.”
“And each fight she would say that I’m in love with you. But like I said, the thought was too foreign to even plague my mind,” she continued. “It was too obnoxious to be entertained but somewhere along the lines I started to think of it, my thoughts eventually ended up getting tangled with the idea of it,” Chaeryeong sighed, feeling her insides turn cold. “I started to entertain the idea that you’re more than just a friend, that you’re someone I love more than our friendship.”
She exhales a laugh, somewhat hallowed and somewhat pained. “And maybe that was my mistake because the moment I did, everything started falling into place,” she said. “But I’m stubborn, so I never want to acknowledge it. I never wanted Juls to be right. So, I kept coming back because I wanted to prove her wrong, even when that meant lying to myself.”
“But each time I come back, the more it gets unbearable to hold. Every fibre of my being yearns to scream at the top of my lungs how much I feel for you,” Chaeryeong inhales deeply, mustering up her courage. “Each time we broke up and I’d call you, I wished with all my might you would not show up, so that it would be at the least easier. But you’re always there, in a heartbeat, without fail. You always show up, cup my cheeks to wipe my tears and lull my mess into stillness. Each time you come, my heart sinks deeper than it already was because of loving you. Because what I feel for you? It’s the one thing that’s out of the equation of our friendship, and I know that fact more than anyone else,” she finally confessed, the heaviness of carrying it inside her chest was finally gone.
And the city, everyone, everything, even her, stopped moving for Ryujin. Chaeryeong’s words echo to her, so hauntingly loud it resonates within her. She had no idea what to say, because what could she possibly say? That she feels the same way? That she loves her the same? Does she? She wasn’t sure. She doesn’t know. Because, like Chaeryeong, the idea was something that never crossed her mind until now. So, maybe her next words were too much but she did not want to lose her friend. She did not want to risk the friendship she treasured the most over her uncertainties.
“Chaer…” she voiced out softly and Chaeryeong perks up at her voice. She sighed and cleared her throat. “I—I, I can’t,” Ryujin answered, though what Chaeryeong said wasn’t a question. She clears her throat once more and adds what Chaeryeong would call fuel to her already burning heart, “and besides, I don’t think you’re thinking this through clearly. You had a drink, Chaer. It’s probably just the alcohol talking—“
Chaeryeong fought the urge to scoff at her last comment but failed to do so. She could hardly believe it. She had a drink but she was far from being drunk, both of them knew that. So Ryujin’s words were exactly like daggers to her heart, salt to her existing wound. But she just nodded, accepting that this might be just the answer to her confession, the price to pay for being vulnerable and honest, for acknowledging the first time that she was helplessly in love with her. She offered a tight smile, and muttered, “Yeah, sure. Maybe, Ryu. Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking.”
Ryujin felt the shift and heaviness of her tone, but still she thinks she’s just being influenced by alcohol, reading into things that aren’t really there. She opened her mouth to add some explanation to what she said but Chaeryeong had already beaten her to it.
“I guess I’ll forget this tomorrow, huh?” And chuckled while shaking her head. “Good night, Ryu. Let’s call it a night,” Chaeryeong bid off, not bothering to wait for her answer nor her offer to walk her home. She doesn’t need any of that. She does not want any of that. Instead, she wants to head home, jump into her bed and hope that tomorrow she could forget spilling her heart out to Ryujin and getting told she’s just drunk. She walks home, without looking back, with her heart shattering at each step she’s taking.
Ryujin can only watch her go, a pang of unexplainable feeling creeping against her skin and sinking onto her stomach. She doesn’t feel worthy of calling her back or offering to walk her home. Not after what they just talked about, after what Chaeryeong confessed. Her last words echoed again, and it made her ponder. What about me? Do I really believe it’s just alcohol talking? Or was it just because I’m in denial? Am I that afraid for her confession to be true that I’m putting all the blame on the alcohol? Or do I really just refuse to believe what Chaeryeong said was true? She asked herself. Was I just denying things because I was scared? What am I scared of? That I’d lose her? Our friendship? She wondered until Chaeryeong’s retreating figure was out of her sight and only then did she head home, with her heart feeling confused as much as her head.
When Chaeryeong woke up the next day, everything that transpired the night before was still clear as day but at the sight of Ryujin’s message amongst the many in her notifications made her wish she did not remember any of it at all. And maybe that’s the answer she was looking for—to pretend she did not remember any of it, at all. And the best course of action to support her decision? Yes, the stupidest decision of all—get back with Lia. She breathes in deep and shoved all of last night at the furthest part of her mind. The feelings she finally admitted and accepted? She brushed it off again, sealed at the deepest part of her where no one could ever uncover. Yes, that’s right. It was just because of alcohol. A moment of weakness.
Chaeryeong fixed herself, ready to go out and do what she needed to do. She sends a text to Lia that she’s coming over and after doing so, she did what she never imagined in a million years she would have—ignored and left Ryujin’s messages unread. It was a difficult thing to do, especially when the message read, “Can we talk?” She rolled her eyes at it, wondering what there was even to talk about? Ryujin was pretty clear last night and she understood it. Was she mad? Maybe? Partly. But it’s more to herself because she gave in to her stupidity. So, with one last look, she bit her lip and sighed before shoving her phone inside her bag and leaving.
She arrives at Lia’s place, and finds her waiting for her, still in her PJs and cradling Bella in her arms. Her heart ached, and she felt a pang of guilt settle in the pit of her stomach. She felt like she cheated even though nothing happened last night. Maybe not physically, but emotionally. She dismisses her thoughts and runs up to her, to which Lia immediately sets Bella down to open her arms wide for a hug to welcome Chaeryeong. She dissolves into her arms, familiarity drowning her over. That’s right, this is familiar. This is her space, her place, her spot.
Lia pulls away to scan her face and her heart sinks, but she doesn’t tell Chaeryeong. She knew something changed, something happened last night that caused this change. She doesn’t need to be smart to figure it out, but she argues to herself that as long as this girl in front of her comes home to her each time, she’d open her arms wide enough to welcome her. And so, she pulls her one more time into a hug. She’s home, and that’s all that matters. It surprised Chaeryeong, but she didn’t shy away from it. She melts into her arms like the first time and rests her face in the crook of her neck, like a kid hiding against the world, against everything, even her feelings.
There were no exchanges of words and unpleasant conversation unlike how they usually are when they get back together, which Chaeryeong found unusual but didn’t give much thought to it. Instead, Lia was just silent and attached to her hip. Where she goes, she follows. She never lets go of her hand, and requests a ton of cuddling. There was just no argument, at all.
“Are you okay, Juls?” She eventually asks as the latter asks for her to stay over. Lia just gave her a funny look, and scooted over to her side, settling in to cuddle. “I’m fine, Ryeong. I just missed you,” came her soft answer to her and her head naturally rested on top of hers. “I missed you so much, that’s just why,” Lia added in a whisper so low Chaeryeong almost didn’t catch it but thankfully she did, and so she adjusted herself to bed and pull her close, as close as she can to her. Her scent filled her nose, and it was the smell she’d gotten accustomed and used to—strawberries. It engulfed her, and a sigh escapes her lips.
“I missed you too, Juls,” she whispered back, and all is well, at least for the night and time being. Her heart is calm and her mind isn’t wandering into an unnecessary place. All is well, and she’s right where she thinks she belongs.